Dying to Be Thin

2011-11-10T13:25:00.003-05:00

I love this little guy. Sometimes, I imagine that this is what the voice of Ana would look like, personified. :)

Take care, my beauties. Do whatever you have to do to feel well. :)

2011-10-28T11:57:00.005-04:00

Thanks for the love, my friends. Your courage, honesty, and encouragement are inspiration to my life.

I've only read thru maybe the first 100 or so comments from the 1300 that have to be reviewed and either posted or deleted. As I reminder, I don't publish any links, and I don't publish any hate, so don't waste your time. But one hate comment caught my attention. It's nothing new, just another someone spouting about "why would you do this to yourself?" and "get a life." To this person (and all who think like you) I would like to encourage you to continue reading my blog, or better yet, reading it from the beginning. This is not the "life" of someone who really "wants to be this way." This is the result of endless pressure from media images, from work, and most acutely, from a deep-rooted mental imbalance which does not allow me to love and accept myself the way I should. For every image I get of someone saying, "You are perfect just the way you are!" there are at least 100 images saying, "You are not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, and you'll never achieve success in your present state of being." Please understand, dear reader, that eating disorders are not always the "choice" of the affected person. Try to show some love and understanding. Keep reading.

Case in point, I've recently been contacted by a production company for whom I have worked many times before, but not long enough that they know about my long, tumultuous history of disordered eating. Their exact words to my agent were, "We want to shoot her in a month, so tell her to go ahead and start losing weight now." No inquiries about what I currently weigh or look like, even though they haven't seen me in almost a year. Just the straight-up assumption that no matter what I am, I AM NOT THIN ENOUGH, and something must be done about that.

Luckily, my agent is slightly more understanding and gentle about it. But sure enough, it has been quite the trigger. I've immediately (and without much thought) begun to severely restrict, and dropped five pounds in as many days. Ugh. And in my mind, the familiar battle begins to rage again... I've been "in recovery" for nearly three years now, I think. But what is "recovery" really? Just a state of limbo where I am not fully immersed in my eating disorder, but still not completely normal either? Am I just beyond the threshold, poised to step over it the moment an opportunity is offered? Am I not truly *anorexic* until I am under the *safe weight* zone??

And what am I supposed to do now? Since they demanded that I should lose weight without having seen what I currently look like, I'm not entirely sure what they are expecting to see when I do arrive. If I stay here in my "safe zone" and continue the therapeutic "I am alright as I am" mantra, will they be angry that I am not what they have expected, and will I lose my job? Or do I dive headlong into the system I know so well, give them the results they could not possibly be disappointed with, and potentially get lost again in that cesspool of darkness that is my world of disordered eating?

Why is there no in-between? What is normal? Why can't I just feel and be that way?

2011-04-25T16:29:00.001-04:00

Showbiz is the world's best corset. It just keeps squeezing you until you can't breathe anymore.

2011-04-24T08:37:00.001-04:00

Thinspo is my porn.

2009-07-19T17:39:00.002-04:00

After a very stressful few weeks, and a very naughty weekend, I am feeling quite... (how shall we say) unqualified to fit into my skinny jeans this week.

So, now that I feel like a lot of the heat has let off, it's time for a good old-fashioned FAST. Just a little one, to see if anyone notices. It's 6 pm here on the east coast, and I have a party to go to tonight, followed by 2 auditions tomorrow, and another party tomorrow night. Evenings are usually my gym-time, so without an outlet for my persistent anxiety, I feel like I'd rather control my food intake if I can't get a grip on my energy output.

To keep eyebrows from raising, I'm going to try to keep pushing the fluids, keeping a drink of some kind with me at all times, to give an illusion of intake. However, I will try to keep these calorie counts down as well. Mostly water, maybe a little bit of VitaminWater, a sip or two of soymilk for breakfast, and coke zero if I MUST have caffeination. But no food. Until at least midnight tomorrow (Monday night).

I'm already anticipating the high!! And looking forward to telling ya'll how it went. God, I hope I get away with this. Depending on how it goes, who knows what I might do after this?

Who's fasting with me? 30 hours food-free! Let's do it! Think beautiful thoughts, girls! XOXO!

2009-07-08T14:58:00.004-04:00

I've been reading Marya's book again. The last time I read it, it triggered me into a summer of long-term fasts (lost 20 pounds in 3 months), so I'm wondering what will happen to me now that "I've been rehabilitated." It's such a wonderful account of her journey. Those of you who've commented that you enjoy reading my stuff, I HIGHLY recommend you read this book. She's a fucking fantastic writer. She's a freakin' phenom, and I aspire to be her one day.

I'm not in ana-mode right now. No. Not that I don't want to. I've been back out on my own for several months now, but I'm still not entirely sure that I'm not being watched. But I can see the ana creeping back in. I'm back to my daily routine-making, gaining control. I've been having a bowl of cereal for breakfast (300 cals), a salad for lunch (440 cals), and a latte for dinner (260 cals), followed by 8-10 miles at the gym (950 cals) every day for the past few weeks. Some days work has gotten in the way, and I've had to switch to have the latte for lunch and the salad for dinner. And weekends are way harder when I'm out with friends. But for the most part I've been able to stick to it.

I'm not weighing myself. The scale is in the bathroom, and it's a struggle in my head every morning deciding whether to look or not. I don't want to know. I just know that I'm not even close to my all-time low weight, so I know I'll hate myself and relaspe for sure if I look. I'm scared to look. But I'm dying to know. I hate myself.

A little bit of trauma in my life lately. Same boy who left me for "fat cow", then broke up with her in November just shortly after I got sent away, then tried to get back with me when I got out... hasn't talked to me for about 3 months. I was ok with that. Until last week when he randomly decided to call me up for dinner, only to let me know that he'd met another girl and he's going to marry her. (SFX bomb-drop) Not that I ever really expected to marry him, but shit. Who decides to marry someone after only 3 or 4 dates? Apparently he does.

So yeah, that's been a little bit triggering. Had a helluva 11-mile run at the gym that night. But unfortunately that tipped me over the edge: I twisted my right hip and it's been aggravated since, keeping me from going to the gym the past 5 days. So trauma is just that much more... shitty.

I hate this life. Why do I bother to persist?

2009-06-15T11:07:00.002-04:00

Anorexic Identical Twins Get Intervention

"I'd rather starve than be fat," says 22-year-old Julia. But at 5-foot-7-inches and 95 lbs., the frail girl is compared by her Polish parents to survivors of Auschwitz.

Julia's story was featured on last week's episode of our favorite reality show, A&E's "Intervention." As a young teen, when Julia developed earlier than her identical twin, she began exercising to lose weight.

Her sister, Sonia (three minutes younger and 3 inches shorter) who'd clung to her newfound identity as "the thin twin" followed suit.

A Deadly Pact
The girls' sisterly competition soon gnarled into a shared eating disorder. When the show was shot, the twins consumed about 300 calories a day, counted each others' steps to guarantee they burned equal calories and weighed their food before eating it, counting each piece of rice.

They also had a pact that they'd always weigh within 3 lbs. of each other. "I don't feel like we're two people sometimes," says Sonia. "We're one person." (Click here to see the full episode.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I cried more at this show than I did at my own intervention. Thank God my Dad was not like theirs. My Dad is a little more gruff and forceful. He thinks he can demand sense from me, and he doesn't let his compassion show. And I know how to cower and look obedient, so there weren't a whole lot of tears, just acknowledged "submission."

Now that I've been (about a month ago) released from recovery, I am working on composing my thoughts for you guys to fill you in on just what happened and where I am now, emotionally and psychologically. I did a lot of lying in treatment, so I think my brain's a little screwed up, a) from being disordered, b) from lying so much. It's hard to tell which way is truly north. But stay tuned, I'll have it all figured out and posted for you soon.

Starve on.

2009-05-30T12:59:00.004-04:00

What did I learn during my time in "recovery"?

I like to thoroughly examine both sides of a story before making my own judgement. I know what Ana Bella is going through, why she thinks the way she does. I know what Mia Jessica's distorted reflection looks like in her eyes. Those connections make us kin in a way no other relationship can connect people.
For all their years and years of research and development, doctors, nurses, and therapists will NEVER understand the disordered mind if they have never lived it themselves. It appalls me to hear them say, "I understand what you're telling me..." Nothing infuriates me faster. No amount of study and research will qualify you to "understand" until you've lived through it.
I have a new respect for the self-control of my tongue, as well as self-control of my weight. I can retrain my mind and body to learn to play any game for a little while, tell you what you think you want to hear, show you what you think you want to see, if it gets me to my end. I can make you believe you have "healed" me. And I can be set free.

I am free now. I believe I am ready to fly again.

2009-05-13T00:27:00.002-04:00

Can I just vent for a fucking moment?

I was not allowed to leave my recovery program until I was a "healthy" 120 lbs.

Tonight, the "Biggest Loser" was awarded $250,000 for being 117 lbs.

What the FUCK is wrong with this picture????

2009-01-25T20:49:00.002-05:00

I've gotten down to eating only 2 meals a day (breakfast and dinner), and I've been allowed to go back to the gym three or four times a week. I'm down 6 pounds.

It's not ana, but at least it's in the right direction.

2009-01-04T19:32:00.002-05:00

I've missed you guys every day. I never stopped thinking about getting back to this blog.

In mid-November I was invited to a "birthday party" that turned out to be an intervention. I was sent home for six weeks, no work allowed, to focus on "getting healthy." I gained weight, and they let me go the day after New Years.

I haven't weighed myself yet, but I'm fucking exploding out of my old clothes and I hate it. I'm back in NY now, but I don't know where I'll go from here.

But I went thru the comments right now. I missed you guys, I really did. I miss ana. I just don't know where I want to go from here. Forgive me.

2008-10-23T20:48:00.002-04:00

I'm so keyed up right now, I'm fucking delirious. But not in a positive way. If I had a nickel for every time I've said the word "fuck" in the past six hours... I don't know, maybe it's just from a day of eating after a good two-day fast. I say "good" because although I didn't have any food, I must have had too many liquid calories (soymilk, fruit juice), because the weight didn't budge. For two solid days. Fuck.

But, in order to be strong for the 3-day weekend fast, I decided to go ahead and eat today. That, and I had a mid-day job, and sure enough, as soon as I got there, they tried to feed me. But I had already set my mind to eat only healthy foods today, and as the shoot was short, I made enough excuses to get out of eating.

What the hell? My call time was noon, and they ordered lunch to arrive RIGHT before I got there. Convenient? Coincidence? Or has someone figured me out? If I find out that one of my agents or managers is reading this blog, I swear to God I will shut it down or move it to another address.

The moment I arrived at this shoot, all three -- the producer, director, and stylist -- immediately start insisting I should eat something, eat something, EAT SOMETHING. Fuck the hell off! It's enough to make me fucking paranoid!! For the first twenty minutes I was there, all I heard was "eat something." I'm like, "Where's the script? Would you like to see my wardrobe? What's the character's mode?" etc. No, none of that seemed to matter, just, "Eat something."

I was so close to screaming! But I kept my cool, made some great excuses (thank you, C!!) and was able to avoid eating anything they offered me. I think the timing actually worked in my favor, because I was able to buckle down as soon as I arrived, and by the end of the shoot, they'd all forgotten that I hadn't eaten. (Oh and by the way, I was shooting a commercial playing a girl working out at a fitness center! Ha ha! So I got in a mini-workout in the middle of the day!)

Then the drive home was fucking frustrating. I only had one shot of espresso early in the day, but the stress alone had me pulling my hair out all the way home. (No, not literally).

And when I got home tonight, all keyed-up and ready to have a killer-fucking-workout, I get to the gym and the place is closed for a power outage. What the fuck!!!????!!! I'm so ludicrously charged up, and I've got no place to burn all these calories and stress!!!

Well, I do have about a zillion things to take care of before midnight tonight, so I guess the good Lord's actually putting me where I need to be. But that means tomorrow's weight is gonna be way up, and I'm already dreading that. I already took one melatonin tonight to try to calm me down. Thank God tomorrow's audition is for someone who's "energetic and a fast-talker." Jeez, I wish I could do it right this very second, I'd win the part for sure.

God, I can't wait to start this 3-day fast. I fucking need it like I need fucking air in my lungs. I'll probably start tomorrow with an all-water fast, that seemed to work last week...

2008-10-20T10:31:00.009-04:00

This weekend's three-day fast (the first one I've done in about a year) was a huge success. I actually felt like I was starting to go a little crazy off of the pure euphoria. There is no other way to describe the ridiculous HIGH I got from starving for three straight days.

But for all that, I only lost four pounds in the three days. I wanted to have lost one more by today, so I briefly debated this morning if I should fast for one more day to lose the last pound before having an eating day. But when I looked ahead at this week's schedule, I figured it would be best to settle today, eat something sane and then go back on a 2-day fast for Tues and Wed before eating on Thursday and then starting the process over again.

To stay on track to lose 13 lbs (total) by November 16th, I only have to lose five more pounds by next Monday. With only 2 days of eating, and five days of fasting, I hope this will be possible within a week.

I just can't get over that blissful feeling of emptiness that I carried with me all weekend! I dressed up in clothes that used to be tight on me and as I walked around downtown (in the freezing breeze, mind you!) I could feel my skin not quite touching the waistband of my jeans, and every time the wind would blow my blouse to brush across the small of my back and then it would rest off of my skin again, I had to slyly smile. I can FEEL myself shrinking! It's fucking toxic to my brain!

It's really hard to convince myself to eat today, because that shrinking, empty feeling goes away. :( At least I'm eating healthy: for breakfast, I just had a half-cup of steamed broccoli and carrots with italian seasoning. I've got frozen grapes for lunch and maybe I'll zip out for a public dinner before I head to the gym tonight. My goal for the day is to eat just enough to remind my body to metabolize again, burn it ALL off with tonight's workout, and start the next 2-day fast at zero calories so there'll be a 2-day deficit by Friday morning.

Wanted to send a special shout-out to all my facebook friends. For some reason, I'm not as much into it as I was last year. I don't know why, probably just lack of time. But I love connecting with you guys on there, and I promise you, I read all of it. ~<3~ to all my facebook peeps...

Speaking of which... time to answer some comments.

Anonymous said she tried the saltwater flush, but "couldn't even drink half of the quart before I felt the overwhelming urge to throw up." She wants to know "When you've done the flush in the past, did you have this same problem, and if you did how do you work through it?"

Ok, the first thing I'm going to do is refer once again to THIS POST where I chronicled my first saltwater flush. (HINT: ROLLOVER the underlined words for the LINK.)

In case you STILL don't follow the link, here's what I said in June 2007:

Just did my first saltwater flush, and now I'm thirsty and freezing! Drank the quart of water in 4 cups. The first cup was great, might as well have been sipping chicken noodle soup broth. The second cup was ok, but after a week of not eating, the fullness was upsetting. The third cup was starting to make me nauseous, and I forced down the fourth cup just to get it in within the half-hour.

I laid down on my right side for a half-hour, as prescribed, and read a book for distraction. Like clockwork, at 1 hour after the first sip, I noticed a need for the toilet. I sat there for 45-minutes spewing all the waste I have left after a week of fasting. And now I'm so cold!!! Immediately I was thirsty - guess I still had that salty taste in my mouth and I needed desperately to rinse it out. So I've had my juice for the day. Took me less than 10 minutes to slog down 3 cups of diluted pomegranate/cranberry juice.

The important points to note here:

I had been fasting for a week. If you do the saltwater flush in the middle of eating normally, yeah, you deserve to throw up.
I had to force it down. How bad do you want it? Suck it up, pinch your nose and SWALLOW. Also, pay attention when you're concocting this drink. Don't just pour the salt into lukewarm or room-temp water. Warm the water, even boil it! Let the salt dissolve completely, then allow the water to cool to a drinkable temperature. (Do NOT drink boiling-hot water. Do NOT drink undissolved salt.)(~!Aren't these things common sense???!~)
The words "as prescribed" should imply that you and I are not the only ones to experience the unpleasant feelings you describe. If it was EASY, everyone would do it. Duh. So the laying down afterwards thing... that's not just part of the recipe for no reason.

Sorry... do I sound a little sick of answering these questions again and again and AGAIN? Yeah, that's because I am. Do a little research, ya'll. I didn't CREATE this saltwater flush... I did MY research and followed instructions. Google... it's not that hard.

I digress...

gettingthinsoon wants to know do you take ephedra or Clen? I am looking into something to help me burn fat...

You want my honest opinion? EXERCISE IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL BURN FAT. THERE IS **NO** MAGIC PILL. I think any pill that promises to take all your problems away is a complete and total hoax. Yes, I've tried a few when I've been stupid and desperate, but nothing ever works. (Did you ever wonder why you hear all those reviews where the lady says, "I tried all kinds of pills, but nothing ever worked for me"? That's not just something they SAY in the ad!) I think "fat burning" pills work best as a placebo... that is to say, perhaps taking a pill fools a person into THINKING they have stronger willpower to resist food and exercise more...

[DISCLAIMER: I am a huge fan of *prescription* drugs. There's a good reason why they get FDA approval - because they really do fuck with your body's true hormones and chemical balances to actually change the way you think about eating/exercise. I just don't think that a pill exists that burns fat FOR you, and certainly not one you can get without a doctor's approval.]

But if you still feel like an OTC pill will help you, try doing a little footwork on www.ultimatefatburner.com to make an educated choice. Here's a guy who has actually TRIED almost every pill on the market for himself and gives a straight, unbiased, unpaid opinion of which ones work and why, with lots of scientific research to back him up, etc.

L wants to know what liquids i should/should not drink. any advice? ...what's your recipe for your favorite fast?

This is a matter of preference really. You've gotta find your own balance of calories vs. satiety. It just takes time and experience. Learn to read labels carefully! Also try to stay away from anything that's too high in sugar (beware - diet sodas!!), as these may be lower in calories and fat, but that sugar (if not burned immediately) will go STRAIGHT to your fat reserves. BAD WORDS in the ingredients include:

high fructose corn syrup -- the #1 most evil ingredient!!!
saccharin
aspartame
just about anything that ends in "-ose" (sucrose, sucralose, fructose, etc.)

For me, I know (from long-term experience and experiments!) that I like to have a little bit of warm milk to get me through a liquid-fast day. And in the past three months or so I've discovered the joy of soymilk. The protein helps with satiety, the carbs are easily burned before they get stored, and the warmth fools my body into thinking it's been fed.

When I drink juices, I look for low-cal, low-sugar juices, and ONLY BUY 100% juice! I can (and usually do) dilute it at home, so why the hell would I pay extra for someone else to add water and sugar? Blech.

I like juices that have a double-punch... for example, grapefruit juice is said to help speed metabolism, cranberry juice doubles as a diuretic, and cherry/grape/pomegranate juices are high in antioxidants.

I dilute for several reasons. For one, I just don't like super-sweet stuff. And one cup of (let's say) cran/pom juice is 140 cals. So I pour one cup of cran/pom into a liter bottle with 3 cups of filtered water, and it not only cuts down on the sweetness, but it forces me to take my time sipping it over the course of an hour or so, it's gets more water (the source of life!) into me, and it cuts down on the color-potency that stains your teeth. You could also consider combining juice with club soda if you like that carbonated feeling to keep you satiated.

But my favorite comment today comes from Gidget who refers us to www.freedomyou.com to find more helpful information about fasting from both a spiritual and physical point-of-view. Just a cursory look over the site tells me this is a place I'll be visiting quite often in the near future. Thanks, Gidget!

P.S. The hit-counter rolled over 30,000 this weekend. A huge THANK YOU to all my readers!!!! You guys, fucking ROCK!!!

Starve on, ladies (and gents!)

2008-10-18T22:30:00.003-04:00

LOVE to all my commenters. <3

Doing good so far on the 3-day weekend fast. Nothing but water yesterday, and was down 2 lbs this morning. No food today, but did have several caloried drinks as well as my water. I'm anxious to see what I'll weigh tomorrow morning because of the calories... mostly soy milk, so I know the protein is what kept me strong enough to evade eating. But do the calories factor out? We'll see.

I will admit, I did buy 2 butter croissants and an apple-cinnamon scone today to support my church's bake sale. And I bought them with the mindset of bingeing. But once I got back in the car, I reminded myself of you guys, and the promise I made to fast for three days. I didn't eat them. (I love you guys.)

I can tell myself I'll only eat one bite, but the truth is that I can never stop myself. If I eat just a little bit, I end up tailspinning into a maniacal uncontrollable binge-fest. I think it's a survival-instinct thing... my body's been starving for a few days now, and it thinks that I have to LOAD UP on calories in case I don't feed it again for awhile.

So to avoid the binge, I MUST avoid the first bite. I wrapped up the baked items and put them away to save for Monday. If I can save everything for "cheat days" (make them Monday and Thursday) and then fast five days a week, hopefully the starving will outweigh the binges.

God, I wish I could just stop bingeing altogether.

One day at a time. I feel strong that I will be able to get through tomorrow without eating again. I'll probably have another soy latte, 1) because I need the caffeine to keep my energy up, 2) the protein in the soy was a miracle filler.

But if tomorrow's weigh-in doesn't look like I'll lose all five by tomorrow night, maybe no soy latte...

2008-10-17T12:05:00.003-04:00

Let's just say I hate myself right now.

Two days on the set, two days I expected to fast, and two days failed. My greatest weakness is wanting to please my directors, not raise any eyebrows, not draw any attention to my personal life. And that means when lunch is called, as much as I would love to come up with good excuses, I don't make a fuss, and I eat.

On Wednesday I had a slice of pizza and about a cup of chicken caesar salad. On Thursday I had a 6" sub sandwich. Both days the director actually *checked on me* to make sure I had eaten. Who tipped him off? My agent? My manager? Another actor? WTF? Leave me the fuck alone!

And on the inside, I'm screaming, "Seriously? Ok, making me eat is one thing, but could you at least bring something HEALTHY? Jesus!" The array of sandwiches included one with ham, one with turkey, and one vegetarian, but they were all on white bread. Ugh. Beyond it's unhealthiness, I don't even like the taste of white bread anymore. But it's either that or nothing, and if I eat nothing, the director will report back to my agent, who will call my doctor, who will try to sit me down for another talk, blah, blah, blah. So I had a vegetarian one, ugh.

To make matters worse, both days I was released from set at 9 pm, and I got home only 1/2 hour before the gym closed, so I didn't even have a shot at working them off. And I'm back up 3 pounds. In just two days - how the hell does that happen?

So now I'm up to 13 pounds that I want to lose in the next 30 days. Thank God I'm starting with a 3-day weekend right now. Today would normally be my religious fast, but I'm not going to lie to God. This isn't a fast to gain enlightenment, it's a fast to lose weight. That's the truth. Today, really all I have on my mind is losing these three pounds, and hopefully 2 more before the weekend is over.

So I've decided to do my first 3-day fast this weekend. Today I'll limit myself to water only, and a helluva workout tonight. Saturday and Sunday I'll allow myself whatever liquids I want, but no food at all. And as much movement as I can without being too noticeable.

I hate myself, I hate my fat self. 13 pounds in 30 days. God, I've got to get it off of me. I can't let anything stop me.

2008-10-15T18:21:00.007-04:00

One of the recent comments asked how to resist cravings.

Well, my first reaction is to shiver: someone with legitimate anorexia doesn't actually get cravings for food. We get cravings for exercise, for hurting ourselves, for perfection. I actually CRAVE that hollow feeling of emptiness. It makes me feel so powerful, so in control. Food is SCARY - it is the evil that harms us by making us fat, no matter how small or healthy the portion.

That being said, if you're looking for a website with diet advice, you've come to the wrong party, and I highly suggest you leave this site and look for some healthier form of weight loss like Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. (Or, hell... just plain diet and exercise.) Please do not think that you can attempt to become anorexic. Eating disorders are no joke -- they are a disease. This is not a diet -- it is a NIGHTMARE.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by... SUCK IT.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

For those of you who are wannarexic or binge-disordered, here's some hints that'll help you fight food cravings:

- DRINK WATER. Tons of it. And NO, diet and/or calorie-free sodas do NOT count! WATER is the essence of life. The human body begins to die after 3 days without it. Teas and juices are great, but the more straight, plain WATER you can get, the better off you'll be.

The recipe for a regular healthy person is this: take the number of your current weight in pounds and cut that in half - that's the number of OUNCES of water you should drink in a day. For someone who is fasting, I say double that.

Here's a good way to make sure you get all your water daily. If you're not used to drinking lots of water, start off easy, say with half of what your body requires, and work your way up to the full dosage within a week. Never, ever chug. Water is most effective for your body's natural processes (and for keeping you full and satiated) if you sip it constantly throughout the day.

Invest in refillable water bottles and some kind of filter pitcher. Buy as many as you need for a full day's water needs. (For me, I try to drink 3-5 liters [100-150 ounces] per day.) Fill all the water bottles the night before, and store them in your fridge, except for one you keep on your nightstand, preferably near the alarm clock.

When you first wake up in the morning, make a habit of sipping on that first bottle, first thing before your feet even hit the floor. Remember: DON'T CHUG. It'll just pass straight through you and do you no good. Sip maybe the first fourth of the bottle.

Then, plan to pace yourself to finish all the bottles by end of day. Mentally divide the number of hours you'll be awake today, and compare it to the number of bottles you need to finish, then sip accordingly. For instance, I try to finish at least 1 liter before 10 am, one before noon, one by 4 pm, one at my workout and one before bed.

ALWAYS keep a water bottle with you at all times, everywhere you go. Keep it IN YOUR HANDS if possible. You'll be surprised how often you take sips off of it without thinking. Don't wait to drink it until you're thirsty; pace yourself by time. Drink whatever else you want during the day, but do it in IN ADDITION; don't ever let that serve as water replacement.

If the thought of just plain water completely turns you off, try some of the new water-additions out there. (Just makes sure to read the labels carefully - try to avoid sugar, sweeteners, calories, and caffeine as much as possible.) One I just recently found and love is Benefiber's Cherry Pomegranate. It's way too sweet for the 16.9 oz bottle it recommends, but it's just about right in a liter for me. Plus the extra fiber adds to that feeling of satiety, and it turns my water a brilliant ana-red, which serves as a helpful reminder throughout my day. ;)

- Carry thinspiration. Whether it's a picture of your favorite skinny celeb, or a picture of yourself in your skinny days, find a place for it in your handbag, inside your cell phone case, ipod case, or any place handy where you'll remember to look often. Anytime you're tempted by food, look at your goal and remind yourself that NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels. Currently, Minnie and Renee's white-hot gowns grace my own wallet to remind me of my own upcoming red carpet appearances, but here's even more thinspiration for ya.

- Chew sugar-free gum. If it's an oral fixation you're trying to curb, make sure to always have sugar-free gum handy. Or ice (although in excess, this can be damaging to your tooth enamel). That chewing motion fools you into thinking you're eating something. Just be sure to read the labels and make sure you get a very low-calorie gum, and never swallow it. Every calorie counts!

Keep a full stomach of water, fool yourself into thinking you've chewed something, and keep your eye on the prize, and almost every craving can be fought.

Starve on, my beauties, Starve On.

2008-10-13T14:50:00.003-04:00

Yesterday had ups and downs. But after the entire weekend, I'm down two pounds. woo. I'm not thoroughly excited, because I wish it had been five. But at least I'm down.

The film festival was pretty intense. Luckily, I wasn't in the direct limelight, as I wasn't there to promote my own movie, but rather to support another movie that my co-star was also in. Even so, my entire day was OBSESSED with my looks. All week I've been restricting hard and fasting every other day to prepare for this. From the moment I woke up at 8 AM I started working on hair, makeup, dress, nails, jewelry, the works... And even AT the festival, even though my movie was not the highlight, there were of course tons of photographers eager to take my picture in anticipation of its release. So even though I didn't go to be in the spotlight, I was. Ugh.

It's really exhausting. Being famous is SO not my bag. I cherish my anonymity. My co-star on the other hand... he was born into celebrity (his dad and brother are famous too), so he's used to this. He aced the day like a pro which left me feeling... ugh, I love my job and hate my career.

The outfit I chose to wear was satisfactory. I liked the way I looked for the most part, except I still wish to reduce the size of my hips and arms. But my boobs looked good, my stomach looked flat, and I had some KILLER hot heels on. Hopefully the shoes and the face/hair kept the attention away from my less-than-perfect body parts in the red carpet pics.

After the festival, a bunch of the cast and crew from my movie went out together for "drinks" (which also included table appetizers). I was the only one who neither ate nor drank (only 4 glasses of ice water, because the damned server was so lazy she never seemed to notice when I emptied the glass). And while this is the same crew who constantly chastized me for not eating on the set during shooting (six months ago) no one said anything to me at dinner! Ugh! Which just confirms to me what I already know is true... I'm not as scary-thin as I was in the movie.

In fact, it is true. I currently weigh five pounds more than I did during filming. And with only about 2 1/2 months to go before we start premiering this film next January, I wanna lose not only that five, but at least another five. Ten pounds in 10 weeks should be feasible.

I came home from the festival feeling pretty damned depressed about myself. I hated myself so much that I nearly stopped for a fast food binge, but ana helped me keep going. Good thing, because when I got home, my roommates were having a surprise birthday party for another mutual friend of ours, and I was served a sizeable helping of pumpkin dessert topped with whip cream.

This is where my day started to turn around. Why was >I< given the biggest piece? Now, my roommates surely have noticed that my designated shelf on the fridge holds mainly juices and waters, and very little food lately. They haven't said anything to me directly, but they sure were watching to see if I'd resist eating the dessert. Still in acting mode, I dove straight in and complimented the chef several times, making lots of yummy sounds and even scraping the plate with my fork at the end. That seemed to calm them substantially. They didn't need to know it was the ONLY thing I'd eaten all day.

But sitting around later, the talk turned in such a way I nearly laughed out loud. My one friend "M" is six months pregnant, and we were having a lively discussion about how she's feeling lately, etc. (My other friend "J" is a midwife.) We were discussing how much weight she's gained or lost, comparing it to the reports of other celebs, etc. J, the midwife, tells a story about one woman she knew who actually lost about 30 lbs throughout her pregnancy, and still came out healthy. My friend "S" launches into a rabbit-trail, and for some reason pumps up his volume about a notch and a half. The first line was, "Well, when someone starves themself..." and the entire room fell completely silent!

Hello! 500-lb. gorilla standing here! Please... go on!

"...not saying that anyone HERE starves themselves... ahem..." as he hastily shifts his eyes to every single person in the room to alleviate any invisible pointed fingers. He went on into a tirade about the loss of muscle mass instead of fat, etc., blah, blah, blah...

I could have died laughing!!! But I kept my cool. (Ligeia, your comment couldn't have been more perfectly timed!) So it's suddenly clear to me that before I arrived home tonight, these four probably had a chat about me and my eating habits lately. Maybe they're even concerned. Ha. Good for them.

And after our guests had left for the evening, and I'm helping J clean up the kitchen, she mentions that we're thinking of having another small dinner party/girls' night in about 2 weeks. So it's now clear to me that these parties at our house are clearly attempts to get me to eat. Ha!!!

Well, as long as it's only once every 2 weeks or so, I can plan around that. :)

So overall, last week was a good week. Fasted every other day, and got two more lbs off of me. My pants are beginning to fit loose again, and I went shopping on Saturday to find some tops that fit, but loosely, so I can hide any further weight losses.

I love this game. I love this lifestyle. I think I really like this new trend I've started without even planning it that way: fasting every other day. I can see myself getting back towards plans like the 34-day fast I did last year. In fact...

...to be continued

2008-10-10T11:05:00.003-04:00

Martha Stewart just made a funny: One of her guests had baked something and offered it to her asking if she was hungry. As she took a greedy bite she said, "Oh yes! I only had a salad for lunch... yesterday!" The entire audience laughed. I love it.

Email feedback time!!

L wrote: Question for ya Ana: why is it that the industry you're in secretly praises the rail thin, yet if you don't eat enough on set you "get in trouble"? I don't understand the hypocrisy.

There is great danger in the word "they." This all-emcompassing word doesn't take into account that oftentimes people's personal beliefs and work requirements don't meet eye-to-eye. I think a lot of producers would personally rather NOT see us rail-thin, unhappy, unwell, and starving. But as PRODUCERS, their job is to make money for the networks and studios. And that's what sells. So while they encourage you to eat to alleviate their own consciences and appear politically correct, the unspoken fact is that if you're not thinner than the other girl, she's more likely to get the job. Because that's what AUDIENCES like to see. (And the audiences will say, "Oh no! We hate to see them so skinny!" and then raise the ratings by watching the shows more and more each week.... it's a vicious cycle.)

In other words, no one really puts their money where their mouth is.

Anonymous "nurse ironic" says: i just wanted to give you a heads up bout diuretics and just to be very carefull because that is one thing that can kill you, lack of fluid can cause serious heart problems and kidney problems.

Thanks for the wise words. I'm posting them here because I hope someone who may not know better will take heed. But in my own defense, if you follow the directions on diuretics, they do tell you to take each pill with 6-8 ounces of water, and I'm drinking about 3 liters of water per day.

By the way, for those who don't know, NOT EATING can kill you too. ;)

Anonymous asks: do diuretics really work? I've heard that they just get rid of your water weight, and not actual flab/fat. Any insight?

In short order, YES. Diuretics are not for losing fat mass, only for reducing water weight.

Definition of diuretic: Anything that promotes the formation of urine by the kidney. (The word "diuretic" comes from a combination of the Greek "dia-", thoroughly + "ourein", to urinate = to urinate thoroughly).

Guys, please understand me. I DO NOT use these diuretics every day. I do the saltwater flush only whenever I feel like I really need a good thorough cleaning-out. I was doing diuretics for the THREE DAYS leading up to a very important public appearance that I had to make. I was completely aware that the loss would be temporary, but that's all I needed it for. Honestly, I haven't taken another diuretic yet since then.

And as an OVERALL VIEW -- I do not endorse pro-ana as a form of SUICIDE. Only as a format for extreme weight loss. Please read some of these earlier posts in my blog, where I actually do not approve of anorexic deaths. To me, this disease is all about CONTROL. If you die from anorexia, clearly somewhere along the way, you lost control.

So be smart about it, mes bébés. Do any of your thinspirational angels appear to be dying? No. The ones who are heralded are the ones who are Living With, not Dying From this disease.

For all of those who have questions about the saltwater flush, please visit THE LINK. Follow the instructions to a "T." I'm not a medical expert, I can't tell you what will happen if you use table salt or more or less, or do it in the morning or the evening, or before or after fasting... I can tell you MY experiences, but since every person's body is different, you may not react the same. All I can tell you is TRY IT AND SEE. That's what I did. So good luck.

Anonymous asks: Aren't you really hiding behind yor religion by doing the fasts? I don't think Christ would want you to completely ruin your weekends every weekend.

I can't tell you how much this makes me laugh!!! (Gimme a sec to catch my breath...) Who said fasting "ruins" my weekend? It gives me more time to work and work out, and I come out a few pounds thinner -- I'd call that a helluva GOOD weekend! And as for what Christ thinks, please refer to Christ's own words in Matthew 6:16-18, and His actions in Luke 4:2-4.

And finally to Jerry who wanted me to respond so he would "know that you read it and what your thoughts are."

The only reason I'm not posting your note is because it was two fucking pages long. If your "morbidity" spurs you to preach, you'll reach a much more receptive audience by starting your own anti-pro-ana blog. Join the masses, you are not unique.

Do not take offense when I generally refer to my readers as "girl." I recognize that I have a few guy readers, but a vast majority of my readers ARE girls, and you are not the only one I keep dialogue with.

Thanks for "caring about my well-being" but get in line. Oh, and by the way, while you're caring for me, stop buying tabloids with pictures of shockingly fat and skinny people in the headlines, stop looking at pictures of beautiful actresses at all news stands or while standing in line at the supermarket, stop watching all movies with skinny actresses, and stop watching any television shows that feature skinny actresses. Do not buy your clothes from any stores whose runway shows featured skinny models. Only listen to music written and performed by fat people. Do not purchase products from any store that features skinny models in their magazine, newspaper, or television advertisements.

Also, don't forget to inform every doctor in the health care industry that obese people are beautiful, and that that makes them healthier than eating-disordered people.

If you can do all that and manage to change the worldview as we know it, THEN... I'll stop starving, and making a living off the dollars YOU pour into this lifestyle of mine.

Meantime, thanks for reading.

2008-10-09T23:46:00.002-04:00

Been doing ok this week, but it's been tough because I've been working so much. Keeping exact track is damned-near impossible, but I've been able to avoid food entirely for about 36 hours at a time before someone gets me to eat something. And it's always been something small like a handful of dried fruit/nuts or a veggieburger (no bun). Which in turn carries me over for the next day and a half.

Did a modeling shoot today and got LOADS more compliments about how great I look, but everyone's still too cautious about complimenting my weight loss. Or maybe I just haven't lost enough weight to be visible.

In any case, tomorrow is Friday = religious fast. To Plain Jane who asked if it's really "religious" fasting:

Yes, on Friday's I consider my abstention from eating to be a truly religious fast. Here's the distinction: If I abstain from food on any given day solely for the purpose of losing weight or creating a calorie-deficit, that's not religious fasting, unless you count ana as a goddess. But as I am a Christian, I've made my own personal decision to abstain from food on Fridays, and to use any hunger pangs to remind me to pray and remember Christ's sacrifice, which happened on a Friday.

The problem I've come across lately is that I no longer feel hungry when I abstain from eating. Especially when I'm staying filled with 3 or more liters of water per day. So my last few Friday's fasts haven't been praying as much as I would like.

My proposed solution for this is to start also religiously fasting on Sundays, to remember Christ's resurrection. And then eventually to connect the two days, so that I'll be fasting RELIGIOUSLY Friday thru Sunday each week, to commemorate the three days that Christ fought thru hell to return and save me. If He can fight through three days of real Hell, I can fight thru three days of hunger. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

But for now, I'll get through Friday (I don't have to work, so should be easy enough). Sunday I have an appearance to make at a film festival, so I'm hoping to wear a dress that "I can't risk getting dirty," to help me avoid food, and use my private time to pray.

I'm too tired to keep writing anymore tonight. Good night, my skinny anas.

2008-10-07T23:39:00.004-04:00

Books are good for body as well as brain
by Roger Sinasohn Oct 7th 2008 1:00PM

It's important for kids to read in order to become well-rounded, knowledgeable adults and positive members of society. It turns out there's another benefit to reading -- it can lead to weight loss. Scientists at Duke Children's Hospital in North Carolina have found that overweight girls who were given a book that featured an overweight girl reduced their body mass index by one percent in just six months.

The book the girls read, Lake Rescue, promotes a healthy lifestyle, including exercise. A control group that was not given the book actually increased their BMI by half a percent. Even though the loss was small, it represents a significant impact because the expected outcome, sans book, would be for the girls to increase their BMI, as, in fact, the girls in the control group did.

"The idea that a book can positively influence weight loss and decrease BMI is encouraging because it's fairly easy to implement," says Dr. Sarah Armstrong, who specializes in Nutritional Disorders and Obesity at Duke. "And it's a welcome addition to a world where there aren't a lot of alternatives." Whether a healthier lifestyle is a good reason to read or reading is a good way to live a healthier life, I say it's a win-win situation.
....................................................
Roger, I've got some more suggested reading for your girls... these books definitely helped me.
The Best Little Girl In The World by Steven Levenkron
Wasted by Marya Hornbacher
Fasting Girls by Joan Jacobs Brumberg

P.S. The site-counter rolled over 20K yesterday (just 36 days). Woot! Starve on, lovelies.

2008-10-05T00:01:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note because I'm working like a fucking beast this weekend.

I didn't get to do the saltwater flush on Wednesday... I just ran out of time. But I did manage to eat nothing, and only consumed cranberry juice and water, a coke zero and one vodka/club (at the promo) on Wednesday, and I looked pretty good in the event pictures. The dress didn't fit as loose as I would have liked, but I got a few compliments on my looks, though not my weight.

Thursday I did a food commercial, and they made me eat a few stale, cold, disgusting french fries. Sorry to ruin the movie magic for you, but those commercials add a LOT of weird things to make the food LOOK amazing, but it's only ACTING that makes it look like it tastes good. It gave me a good excuse for faking an upset stomach for the rest of the day. Heh.

Friday of course was my religious fast, and I lost 2 lbs this morning, which always happens.

But tonight I finally cracked and had 2 soy lattes and an apple bran muffin. I'm still taking five laxatives and two diuretics every day, but it doesn't seem to be impacting my digestion or my weight. So I may have to double up next week, we'll see.

Meantime, I'm going to start this week (starting right now at midnight) to fast for religious purposes on Sundays as well. If I can keep this up for about four weeks or so, I'll try to connect them into a full 3-day fast every week.

Night-night, skinny-mini's.

2008-09-30T10:43:00.006-04:00

“Unless you faint, puke, or die, KEEP WALKING!”
– Jillian Michaels, The Biggest Loser, NBC

I love this fucking firecracker of a woman! I watch this show while I'm on the cardio machines at the gym, and not only do the contestants serve as great reverse-triggers, but her screaming at them in Last-Chance workout sessions echoes thru my own brain for days after...

I didn't drink nearly enough water yesterday, so my workout was hard. The thought of Jillian kept me going to reach 7 miles before the gym closed and kicked me out. But I was able to successfully escape lunch on the set, and only gave in to a few bites of fat-free cottage cheese when I came home (40 cals) and a gardenburger after the gym (90 cals). This morning, it still didn't translate to a lost pound, but at least I haven't gained.

And I had another grey-out! (Someone in comments asked about this.) A grey-out is when you almost faint, but not quite. It describes what you see. In a black-out, you can see black creeping in from the outer edges of your vision -- that's you losing consciousness. When it reaches the center and everything goes totally black, that's the faint.

A grey-out is when you see the blackness come in from the edges and it almost reaches the center. But after experiencing this for enough years, I've learned how to catch it before it gets all the way dark, and reverse it. If you don't pass out all the way, just get really lightheaded and close to passing out, it's called a grey-out.

So yesterday on the set, I was all curled up in this comfy chair for a scene for like 45 minutes. My legs were all tangled up under me, and must have been cutting off my circulation in a weird way, because at one point when we took 5 and I got up to leave the set, I felt a grey-out suddenly come on. I must have stopped in my tracks and gotten really pale, because like 3 grips came running to catch me all of a sudden. But I recovered quick, and kept going and just sort of laughed it off. I love my grips, they fucking rock. And the best thing is, they usually don't say anything to the producers/directors about shit like that.

I can't believe I didn't lose even a single pound after I only ate 130 cals, took 5 laxatives, and ran 7 miles yesterday. But I didn't get the shits til this morning, so that tells me the restricting is going well. Today I'm adding water pills and cranberry juice to the mix. And looking forward to tomorrow's saltwater flush. Something's gotta give.

Oh, and now that the Oct 1st promo appearance is breathing down my neck, I just found out I have another appearance at a film festival on Oct. 12th. Woot! Another dress, another two weeks of extreme motivation to look forward to!

My favorite bit: "Emails!"

Anomymous says: Be careful with those laxies, they can make you bloat up more afterwards.

Thanks A. That's what the water pills and cranberry juice are for. ;)

And "the Danish girl" (whom I can now call C.) has returned with more harsh (but loving!) words about owning up to and defeating the excuses that make me weak. Thank you, C.! I'm really pleased that you're still reading, and still posting comments for me. Thanks for calling me out -- that's exactly why I write this blog: it makes me stronger when I know I have someone to answer to for my failures.

buccina (whose comment is not published, and whose real name is being protected by her own request) made an interesting proposal to me which I will, respectfully and without offense, decline. I'm more the kind who takes mine from a bottle with a child-proof cap. So/but, if you know where I can get some Adderall, let's talk. As for the saltwater thingy... it is designed with SEA SALT, so that it gets flushed out before it has a chance to absorb. Plus, I'm also taking laxatives, water pills, and cranberry juice too, so anything that does linger will also be flushed.

But I love your insight -- very educated. Keep posting. :)

L is joining me on the SWflush and wants to know what the original Danish comment said... Oh, I wish I remember it verbatim, love, but it was basically just calling me out on the fact that I'm making excuses for why I have to eat in public, when I really should be taking bigger risks in order to be truly ana. I probably won't get caught as often as I think anyway, and it's going to help me get off these plateaus. Loves it.

Ligeia needs affirmation. Honey, if you're on that underweight/normal cusp, you ARE beautiful! Indeed, you thinspire even ME! :) Keep it up, stay strong! The worst myth that ana perpetuates is that you are ALONE. Babe... just read the comments section here... or better yet, find me on facebook (search for Ana Regzig). We are a race of people (guys too!) who are THOUSANDS strong. Keep up the good work, and don't let your family's love get you down. (I need to drink more water too... thanks for the reminder in return. ;))

hana... you crack me up, lovey. Ana luvs it! Yes, an emptier stomach is *highly* recommended for the saltwater flush. You probably didn't pass out from the saltwater... take your time. You have a full 15 minutes to slog down 2 cups. Please be careful... I would hate for someone to find you passed out among that stuff and catch you in the act.

Indigo... no, you should definitely use SEA SALT. Regular table salt will go straight into your cells and puff you up, and it won't have the laxative/cleansing effect you're after. Not to mention, the spike in such a high concentrate of salt could be detrimental to your health, especially if you're already thin and empty-stomached. There's something about the sea salt that makes it pass thru you (and take everything in your bowels with it) before your body has the chance to absorb it. Uniodized sea salt can be found in the baking aisle of most major supermarkets, dirt cheap. Take the plunge.

Starve on, all my beautiful ana-bitches! Starve on.

2008-09-28T21:20:00.003-04:00

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

This morning, I'm still five lbs away from my goal weight for Wednesday's promo appearance for my movie. Restricted all weekend, and got in some killer cardio, but here I am, still not thin enough. And only 57 hours left until the camera-bulbs start immortalizing my current figure.

I do have to be on-set today (playing a DEPRESSED grad student - how appropriate!), but I am committing right now to not "use my job as an excuse." (God bless the Danish girl who wrote me such a nasty comment, that I am now regretting having rejected -- your words have reverberated in my head all weekend and kept me strong!) I will avoid the craft services at all costs, yes, even if it pisses off the caterer. And hopefully I can fake enough of a stomachache in the morning to get me out of lunch. All I will need is a good place to "hide" where I can pretend to be "working thru lunch."

But so far it looks like I'll have both Tuesday and Wednesday off. In addition to fasting from all food, and limiting liquids to diluted grapefruit and cranberry juices (natural diuretics), Tuesday I'm going to super-dose on the laxatives while my roommates are at work, and Wednesday I'm going to do my first saltwater flush in a long time. It's probably going to hurt like hell, but it will be SOOOO worth it when the dress fits loose on Wednesday night.

(I know you're going to ask; everyone does.) What's a saltwater flush?
This was the reaction to one of my first saltwater flushes.
This was a post of some of the other perks of a saltwater flush.
This is a post answering a comment about the saltwater flush.
And this is the LINK TO THE RECIPE, in case you'd like to try a SWFlush with me.

Who's with me? Leave a comment. Let's support each other, girlies.
Ana-luv to ya.

2008-09-27T10:17:00.003-04:00

Yesterday's true fast gave me 2 pounds off. But overall, I realize that I've only lost five pounds this month. This is unacceptable, especially when I wanted to be another five pounds lighter by next Wednesday's promo appearance. That's only five days away.

I've got the dress I want to wear, and it fits well, but will look better with a little more room in it. So I'm not eating again today.

I had my first gray-out in a long time yesterday. Loved it.

2008-09-26T17:09:00.003-04:00

Back up that one pound again today. Figures.

Got a good whiplash from a Danish skinny today in the comments. Thanks, lovey, I needed that.

Damn noreaster making the weather depressing here, so I'm not eating today. Bluh.

2008-09-25T19:57:00.002-04:00

Thank God I'm back to work finally! BUT, it comes with a price.

I had to have lunch on-set today with my cast/crew. I HATE catered craft services!! And P.A.'s who think you're so frail and thin that you must be fed on every fucking "take 5." Sometimes I just want to scream, "SOD OFF!!!"

But I don't, of course. Instead, I'm obligated to smile and be marveled by the generosity of the spread and say, “Wow! Everything looks so good, it’s so hard to choose!” and then pile a little bit of everything on my plate. Why can these people never get a clue and start making some healthy shit? I ate a few cherry tomatoes with feta cheese (drizzled with olive oil), and a little bit of salad, and had about a bite each of the fish, asparagus, roast beef, and steak fries. Ugh. After eating so little for so long, my stomach has shrunk and I got real bloated real fast. Of course, my lack of eating did not go unnoticed and made for some real awkward moments in the second half of the day.

I hate myself for not being more clever with the excuses. As much as I love my job, I hate my career. That’s enough for today.

In the words of Dr. Horrible: “Emails!”

Anonymous/L wants to know some “good foods to eat, some of my common meals that are healthy and low-cal so she can start a 2-4-6-8 diet.

Love ya, girlie, but you’re asking for diet advice from someone who prefers NOT TO EAT. Do some googling, there are loads of pro-ana lists out there that include watermelon, celery, sugar-free popsicles and jello. You just have to find whatever works for you. Something that will satisfy your cravings (so you don’t binge) without eating too much. For me, I look for high-fiber, low-fat and low-cal foods. When labels fail, use sites like nutitiondata.com and calorie-count.com to find info.

P.S. I’ve done that diet too. I tried once when a week was 2-0-6-0-4-8-0, and once when a week was 2-6-4-8-0-0-0. I liked the second way better, but it’s different for everyone. Depends on what your schedule is like.

Anonymous has tried every diet and nothing seems to work and is now considering turning to ana as well. She wants to know, would I ever advise another aspiring actress to do the same?

No, I would never ADVISE someone to “try anorexia.” Who in their right mind would? Anorexia kills.

(PSA quota for the week? Check.)

That being said… I would, however, recommend you keep trying different methods until you find the one that works for you. And that means NOTHING is off-limits. Catch my drift? If it works for you, gives you the results you want, don’t let me or anyone else discourage you.

Peace, ma-cheries. Starve on.

2008-09-24T18:02:00.003-04:00

Yes, I was finally able to return to the gym last night. 8 miles. Woot!

Yet somehow, I'm another pound UP today. Damnit. I did eat all my 438-calories yesterday though, spaced out evenly through the day, so I hope that this morning's upset is a one-time affair that will remedy itself tomorrow after another day of obedient discipline.

However, I am thoroughly amused this afternoon by a very interesting comment I received (which I did not publish, by his/her own request). First of all, why write me a comment just for me to read and not to publish? This commenter wanted to know if I was posting from the USA and could not understand why I would CHOOSE to "do this to myself" when women in other countries around the world would "kill for my chances."

To start... I'm only answering this commenter not to try to make excuses or condone my actions in any way, but rather, just to explain myself and help my readers understand my way of thinking a little more. You seem like an intelligent-minded person... soooo, what exactly stimulated you to come looking for my blog? Were you seeking someone to bash? Or someone to imitate? Anyway... I'll bite.

Yes, I am posting from the USA. And let me mention that while I recognize that for many many women anorexia is actually a piteous, uncontrollable disease, I openly admit that mine is a choice. I starve myself on purpose, in an effort to lose weight, in an effort to hurt myself, and sometimes to hurt those around me. This choice did not originate without its environmental stimulus. I am a full-time actress and model in television, films, and theatre. It's my career, and it has been for over 10 years. No, I'm not an A-lister, but neither am I so unknown that I don't take great pains to maintain my anonymity as I blog about it.

Ever since the United States was created to escape the sovereign supremacy of a monarchy, American pop-culture has cultivated its own brand of "royalty." The masses of natural-born followers still desire model leaders and icons after which to pattern themselves. In modern times, those of us whose vocation requires us to be on display for a living have the additional responsibility of carrying that image off the screen and onto the sidewalk. We are held to these royal standards by the general American public: you the reader, the viewer, the dollar-toting "fan."

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what sells. Beauty is admirable - humans are hard-wired that way. And in the US, "beautiful" is worth money. So yes, in a way, this is my job. I know the pain of losing a job to the girl who is five pounds thinner. Even if she's five pounds "too thin", she's still thinner than me; therefore, she gets the job. In many cases, even if her talent SUCKS but her body makes tongues wag, SHE GETS THE JOB.

In show business, there is NO SUCH THING AS 'TOO THIN.' As long as I can work, no one actually cares how much I am or am not eating. As long as I look beautiful, I get paid. And until the world-at-large decides to stop voluntarily paying for the privilege of watching beautiful people work and play, I will continue to follow the rules set forth by generations of people who've come before me. I will do whatever it takes to do my job to the best of my ability.

Surely you also have a job about which you are so passionate?

All hard work comes with sacrifices. This is the life I chose, and that chose me. It's not a selfish desire. I don't do it to spite the unfortunate women of other countries who wish they had my opportunities. I do it to satisfy the curiosity of millions of people just like YOU who harbor that inner desire to live vicariously through the life of someone you admire.

You came looking for me. You got a little thrill in your heart reading my posts. Maybe there's even a little twinge of you that desires to be like me, perhaps?

If not, you wouldn't have come looking for my blog.
And... you wouldn't be here AGAIN, smiling because I've responded to your comment.

Thank you. I hope you got as much of a thrill reading as I got responding. Starve on.

2008-09-23T14:57:00.000-04:00

The new counter just rolled over 10,000 views. In 20 days.

Ya'll fucking ROCK!

2008-09-23T12:09:00.003-04:00

Gained back 1 lb. today. Root.

Ok, so I confess. I haven't been eating the entire 438 cals most days while I've been sick. I been having my 1/2 cup of fat-free cottage cheese (80 cals) for breakfast, and my veggieburger (90 cals) for dinner. But I haven't been eating my frozen vegs (60 cals), or my kashi cereal (146 cals) (it's already stale by now, a good hint for those of you looking to cut cals... let your stuff go bad, then you won't want to eat it), and I've only been randomly eating my 1 cup frozen grapes (62 cals). But I have been serving myself one cup of warm apple cider (120 cals) first thing in the mornings to soothe the cough.

So that's about 300 calories per day, which is probably how I lost 4 lbs over the weekend, even with mostly sleeping and no exercise whatsoever.

But last night, as I was coming home from class, I got the urge for an emotional binge. It's the first thing I've done outside the walls of this house for almost an entire week -- I was on a high! When I was approaching the corner to turn right to go to Starbucks or left to go home, the voices in my head were fiercely arguing, and I think a bit of it even came out loud. "Don't do it, Ana... just go home. If you really need something to eat that bad, have your frozen grapes." "But a venti Starbucks is only liquid!" "But a venti Starbucks is 160 cals, and it's not on the prescribed menu. You haven't had your grapes yet today, and they're only 62 cals."

Thank God, I turned left and went home.

But the grapes didn't do it for me. I wasn't even hungry! It was more about satiating this emotional spike of hormones. The absolute best thing I did last week was to clear ALL the junk food out of this house. When I got here last night and was desperately searching for something to binge on, there was nothing, and that helped stop me from satisfying my obsession. I left the kitchen feeling somewhat defeated, but glad that I was just not ABLE to hurt myself with food. Instead I added a 10-cal Propel pack to my 3rd liter of water, and started scouring the internet for thinspo.

I got lots of new thinspo to add to the photobucket galleries, but the devil inside would not go away. I still hadn't eaten my frozen vegs or cereal. I went to the kitchen to get the baggie of cereal. I was only able to choke down about half of it, and zipped the rest up, disgusted by the taste, but glad I didn't finish it. With this morning's cup of cider, this was adding up (120+80+90+62+10+78=440... OVER, damnit).

After three days of being so good, I had lost 4 lbs. "What could one little binge hurt?" she whispered.

And then, almost right at midnight, I saw it. Two bags of cookie mix (powdered) that I've been saving to make cookies for a special occasion. Before I could think twice, I tore the bag open, grabbed a spoon, and started dishing it down my throat. Thank God it was powdered, and I still have a bit of a cough. After about six spoonfuls I practically gagged it all back up, wheezing and worrying about waking my already sleeping roommates. That was enough of that.

So if I'm an extra pound heavier today, I deserve it. Today I will be better, tomorrow, even moreso. I'm hoping to go back to the gym today, at least for a little short run. And I absolutely positively will not go off the 438-diet. No cider, and definitely no cookie dough mix. I need to lose 5 more lbs by Friday. Hopefully, adding back exercise and sticking to the 438 will do it.

Starve on, my little pretties, and be stronger than me. Show me how it's done. Starve on.

2008-09-22T12:50:00.007-04:00

Myspace Comments

As of 11:41 this morning, HAPPY AUTUMN EVERYONE!!!!
Seriously, this is my favorite season of the year.

And to start it off right, I'm down 2 lbs today! Woot! I guess now that the sickness is wearing off, my body's metabolism is back into gear. I'm back to the weight I was when we concluded principal photography for my last film, for which I am making a promotional appearance on October 1st, so.... I still have 9 days to lose even more! (Still have 5 lbs to go to achieve my LW during filming...)

And overnight there's been LOTS of BRILLIANT comments! Woot! (I LOVE comments.) So here I'm going to take some time to respond to some... keep 'em coming, girlies. Ana luvs you. **MWAH!**

L writes: wait a minute, if this party was for you, why was SHE there?
And Anonymous writes: Seriously, though, why the hell would she go?

(L and Anonymous are referring to the "fat whore" for whom my boyfriend left me, and who attended my "surprise" party without him last Thursday. Click here for that post.) Well, technically we're still "friends" and we have many mutual friends who were also at the party. In this business, you try never to burn bridges with anyone. Most actresses will tell you, "We never catfight!" and it's true. But that doesn't mean they don't keep their claws sharpened and ready for action behind that Cheshire smile. "Fat whore" and I were quite cordial that night. When I hugged her I felt her back fat, and I hope she noticed my shoulder blades. ::smirk::

hana has some questions about fasting.

Quite honestly, love, it's different for everyone. Everyone's body is different, chemistry is different, lifestyles are different, and so being... everyone will respond differently to fasting/restricting. Sometimes fasting has worked quite well for me. Other times in my life, restricting has worked better.

You just have to experiment with different things/styles of fasting/restricting to find out what works best for your own body to achieve your own goals. If I want to lose one pound by the end of the week, I can lightly restrict and exercise moderately and get the job done. But if I want to lose four... well, that's a different story.

I'm here to support you and encourage you, no matter what you choose. All I ask is a little encouragment in return. (Keep writing those comments.) ;)

Anonymous writes about helping to rescue her sister from anorexia, and recognizing her symptoms in the things we (myself and the commenters) have written here.

Thanks for commenting, girl. I agree with you. No one said this lifestyle/disease was pleasant or easy, on those of us who do it, or on those who love us best. I've published your comment (perhaps to your surprise) because I hope it will encourage someone to take heed and get out before they get too deep. As for me, I still "find happiness in avoiding food."

...

That's it for now, chickiboos. Meantime, I've added my slideshows to the names of some of the skinny actresses in the blog post below, so breeze thru it again and click on the links for some thinspiration.

Starve on.

2008-09-21T13:56:00.013-04:00

Actresses show a lot of skinny
04:49 PM PT, Sep 17 2008

Here’s a news flash — young actresses these days are very, very thin. Reporting live from in front of their television sets, the editors of Entertainment Weekly and Us Weekly are shocked, shocked to discover that several female members of the cast of “90210” appear to have last eaten some time during the fifth grade. Since then, Jessica Stroup (who plays Silver, right in photo) and Shenae Grimes (Annie) have apparently subsisted on iced coffee and breath strips.

There is no denying that Stroup and Grimes look more than a little frightening — you have to wonder if the show’s producers tried to save money by casting by the pound. But it’s a bit disingenuous, not to mention tedious, for the entertainment press, which produces no greater praise than when a star sheds baby weight or other unsightly poundage, to dutifully trot out experts wringing their hands and disgorging boilerplate about the specter of an eating-disorder epidemic.

For one thing, unless you have the misfortune to be an aspiring actress, most eating disorders usually have roots far deeper and more complicated than wanting to look like Jenny on “Gossip Girl.” Despite years of television’s attempt to pare women down to skin and bones, we are in the midst of a childhood obesity epidemic; even the Gap carries size 16 nowadays.

“90210” is unusual only in its choice to buck tradition. Historically, the skeletalization of women on an ensemble show has followed a pandemic model — one horrifyingly thin actress (Calista Flockhart, Courteney Cox, Lara Flynn Boyle) “infects” the rest of the cast until by, say, Season 3, all of the women are shopping for negative sizes.

And it seems a little unfair to pick on the newbies when over at “Grey’s Anatomy,” Ellen Pompeo remains so slender she makes Katherine Heigl seem heavy, and America Ferrera has lost so much weight, it looks as if they have to pad her to play her average-sized character on “Ugly Betty.”

Their talent isn’t thin
In fact, more shocking than the sight of today’s waif-like 20-year-olds are the ranks of underfed fortysomethings who star in some of the most critically acclaimed shows on television. Kyra Sedgwick of “The Closer” and Holly Hunter of “Saving Grace” are two of the more talented human beings on the planet — and if you put them together, you might be able to fill out a pair of size 8 Lucky Brand jeans. Hunter especially is so thin that whenever she takes off her shirt, which she does quite a lot, you can feel the sweat of a thousand reps rise off your own skin. The ladies of “Desperate Housewives” are so far gone in terms of resembling humans that it’s almost laughable to mention them, but even Felicity Huffman, self-described former “fat girl,” has lost so much weight that when she wears those plunging necklines you can count her ribs.

Much was made of how terrific the “Sex and the City” gals looked in their big-screen debut, but when Sarah Jessica Parker appeared whippet thin in skimpy pajamas, the value of body fat on a woman older than 40 was instantly and abundantly clear — do we really want to be able to identify whole muscle groups in the middle of a cuddle scene? Probably not.

For years, feminists have insisted that the paring down of women on television is political, that as women gain social and economic power, society attempts to achieve some sort of balance by belittling them. Literally.

Me, I think it comes down to the tyranny of the tank top.

When did it become mandatory for every actress, no matter what her age or natural body type, to look good in a teeny-tiny tank top? Not just good, but good enough to wear them on television. In every episode of whatever show they’re starring in. Cops in tank tops, lawyers in tank tops, fashion editors and stay-at-home moms. You know why the women of “Mad Men” look so fabulous? Because they don’t have to wear a freaking tank top.

What first appeared as adorable sleepwear on shows like “Friends” now has become de rigueur for any situation, on women of any age. Both Hunter’s Grace and Sedgwick’s Brenda live in T-tees and sleeveless dresses. Over on HBO’s “True Blood,” poor Anna Paquin is wearing tanks so wee they look like toddlers’ undershirts. “Weeds” is set in Southern California, so at least Mary-Louise Parker’s Nancy Botwin has an excuse for all those spaghetti straps and baby-doll dresses, but the ladies of “Lipstick Jungle” huddle over their lattes in sleeveless silk and linen, never mind that it’s autumn in New York and sleeting.

Seriously, it may be the most oppressive instrument of fashion since the chastity belt. Yes, Linda Hamilton looked great when she buffed up for “Terminator 2,” but those biceps were necessary to save the world. Wouldn’t it be better for actors to spend time working on, say, their Southern accents than doing endless sets of pull-ups? Do we really want a generation of women with arms like Madonna?

You would think that producers would lighten up a little and let the tank top go. Or at least acknowledge that a woman can be sassy and attractive and still wear long sleeves (or even short sleeves).

For one thing, it would probably cut down on all the on-set drama. When you haven’t eaten in 17 days, when whatever free time you have is spent lifting free weights, when you face a wardrobe full of clothing designed for a 12-year-old, it’s hard not to be a seem a little “difficult.”

But, more important, a move away from tank-top skinny would improve the general aesthetic of television. The current cavalcade of wafer-thin, over-toned and stringy women can be quite depressing to watch. You worry too much about their general health. Are they smoking too much? Taking those weird Chinese herbs that are really just natural speed? Do they not remember when Jamie-Lynn Sigler almost had to quit “The Sopranos” because she got too thin?

The real problem with the eating-challenged actresses of “90210” is not that they’re going to jump-start a cult of anorexia but that they’re going to ruin their own show. How can you, the viewer, concentrate on the drama of the story if you’re worrying that Grimes and Stroup will literally collapse before your eyes?

-- Mary McNamara
Photo: The CW

2008-09-20T16:07:00.004-04:00

What up, skinny bitches?

I've been so sick in the last 36 hours, that there's not much to tell here. Been sleeping, coughing, drinking water, and sleeping. No food since the party. Don't even have the energy to weigh myself. Ugh.

But I wanted to send a shout-out to one of the commenters. anonymous said:

i have been trying to starve myself for AGES but watever happens after 3 days i have to binge!!!! so i end up putting on most of the weight i lost.

tsk, tsk, tsk... This is not a weight-loss plan, honey. This is a lifestyle. What you're doing is crash dieting. If you're serious about weight-loss, you have to find something you can stick with for a lifetime. Set yourself some long-term achievable goals, and then "slow and steady wins the race." Try eating about 1200 calories a day and exercising moderately 3-5 times a week.

At least that's what "the experts" say. To the rest of my skinny-minnies, starve on.

2008-09-19T20:37:00.005-04:00

Good news and bad news.

The good news first: I was able to mingle enough yesterday at the "surprise" party that I only ate 2 celery sticks all night. No dip, nothing else. Ha! And this after having only had 1/2 cup of frozen grapes in the morning.

The bad news is: I guess I haven't entirely recovered from the sickness I caught last weekend, because somewhere between all the talking over loud music with a thousand people and sitting around a backyard campfire, inhaling the smoke, I lost my voice again. FAST. And it hurt like hell too. So I kept trying to sooth it with warm apple cider. Which unfortunately came at about 60 cals per cup. And I had about 5 cups.

So overall, I still stayed under 438 calories, albeit mostly liquid. But today, all day, I've been laid up in bed again, steaming the hell out of my bedroom, just trying to keep from coughing and damaging my voice worse. Which means this will be just one more weekend I can't go to the gym. (Expletive.)

But I guess the good news outweighs the bad, no pun intended. I finally broke through that plateau this morning and lost one pound. I'm still 2 lbs over where I'm supposed to be right now, but again, I'll have to hope to be able to make them up next week.

Oh, and one more bit of good news. Part of my strategy to keep moving involved being the evening's photographer. Remember the "fat whore my ex-boyfriend left me for"? (CLICK HERE to see last year's post.) She came to my party, still fat as ever. (HE, by the way, let her come alone because he didn't have the balls to face me!) Although she's a singer/actress "by trade", times have been tough for her lately, and she's been working an office job for the past 8 months. (Can't imagine why? Um, because no one WANTS a fat leading lady! Hello!)

And all night long, she kept grazing around the food table like a buzzard at an oasis. Every time I tried to snap a pic, she'd back up, lick those fat fingers or try to palm whatever was left of what she was eating, while hastily shoving her half-chewed remains into her chipmunk cheeks to smile a cheesy smile at the camera before the flash goes off. Disgusting.

And my grumbling, empty stomach can't help but smile from behind the lens.

2008-09-17T21:33:00.005-04:00

Shit.

Just figured out that my roommates are planning a "surprise" party for me tonight. There's a ton of food in the fridge... all kinds of party munchies, dips, veggie platters, cookies, etc. And there's a fire-pit set up in the backyard for grilling.

Needless to say, I will be expected to EAT. At least publicly. Although I had already started this morning with my 1/2 cup of grapes, I now refuse to eat anything else until the party. And even then I'll have to carry around my faithful bottle of water, and see how many times I can get away with, "Oh, no thanks. I had one a minute ago - aren't they divine?" and "I just had a plateful a moment ago - I'm stuffed, I couldn't eat another bite! Ha ha!" and "Ooh, I'm still recovering from being sick, but thanks anyway!"

Fortunately/unfortunately, many of the friends that I expect to show up tonight know about my ED history. But mostly they know that it goes hand-in-hand with my depression problems. So as long as I can smile and mingle and continually circulate, I should be able to avoid most criticism, suspicion, and force-feeding. As long as I can play the pretty hostess and keep moving around the room, and keep sipping that water and serving others, I should be able to stay under 438 calories.

I'm gonna try like hell.

Do you think maybe my roomies have noticed my restricted eating habits in the last few weeks and that's why they're pulling this party? I mean seriously -- there's not really that much to "celebrate." It seems like they just needed a good excuse to throw a dinner party. Hmmmm... stay tuned for tomorrow's update. And pray that I can stay strong tonight.

2008-09-17T21:33:00.004-04:00

Can I just take a quick moment to say how much I bloody LOVE reading ya'lls comments. Thank you. Really. It's the very first thing I go to when I log on, I check the comments, and it's a thrill to me to know that there are people out there who actually want to hear what I have to say and are willing to talk back. Ya'll seriously ARE my thinspiration. *Mwah.*

Ok, enough. I think this week's diet has officially been dubbed "438", for the number of calories consumed daily. I did great yesterday, even got in some conditioning calisthenics last night. (Still can't go to the gym for the infection in my lungs. I *must* get well so I can get back to work; I'm a workaholic, and that :::sigh::: does usurp my desire to be thin. It's a fucking crime that they go hand-in-hand: wanna work in this biz? Gotta be thin.) I felt like I was doing good and that surely this would be the day I'd get over this damn plateau.

But this morning the scale showed the same damn number! Ugh! Partly I'm mad because I'm getting frustrated being stuck. But I also know that once I can be on this diet AND have a chance to get back to doing some serious cardio in the gym, I'll finally jump the hurdle. It's just so frustrating waiting for that...

I guess my stress must have gotten to me today. I had a modeling shoot this afternoon, and I was feeling great. I always feel better in front of the camera, but today... having that little bit of soreness in my abs and in my back from conditioning last night, I felt fucking brilliant! Of the three models in the shoot, the photographer clearly liked my work the best. Oh, I can just hear the happy phone call my agent's gonna get tomorrow and the future bookings I'm gonna get from this...

But then something really strange happened. When the shoot was over and I went back into the bathroom to change back into my street clothes, there was a fucking cow in the mirror! I don't know what it was. I felt like I was about 100 lbs out there in the lights for the photographer who was playing with me, even getting feisty -- we were having such a good time! But then I saw my real weight in the mirror and it was a HUGE LETDOWN. My mood flipped like a switch. I packed up my things and practically walked out of the building with my head drooped down to my ankles. I felt like shit.

So I stopped into the store on the way home just to pick up some notebooks I needed, and they were handing out free samples of potato chips to each customer. I don't even LIKE fucking potato chips, nevermind that they are SO not on this diet plan. But out of sheer hate for myself, I took the bag, and once I got back home, the first thing I did was read the back (150 calories) and then I dove into them. Ugh.

I knew the salt would be bad for my healing. I knew the carbs are going straight to my hips. But at that moment I didn't fucking care. I just wanted to hurt myself soooooo bad.

Luckily, since I cleared out my cabinets this weekend, there was nothing else I could binge on after that. Thank God. 'Cause you know, I sure-nuf was looking.

A few hours later, I got my senses together, unpacked and did other stuff around the house to get a little semi-cardio in for the day. (Gotta do whatever I can... this is my FIFTH day of being sick and banished from the gym.) So tonight, I decided to skip the gardenburger (90 cals), and I only ate about half of that bag of cereal (71.5 cals). Hopefully that adds up.

Ugh. I hope you girlies are being strong, stronger than me. I had moments today where I really felt, "Ya know what? It's actually EASIER to all-out STARVE, because at least then once the hunger pains go away, they stay away. With this 'eating sometimes' thing, I'm constantly hearing my stomach grumble for more."

But I have to remind myself that that stomach-grumbling is also keeping my metabolism chugging, no matter how fucking slow. If the metabolism stops, this is all for fucking naught.

Jesus, I gotta get well so I can get back to the gym. I'm so pissed at myself today, I'd have had a helluva run tonight.

And then I just found out that I have to make a promotional appearance for this major project I starred in back in June on October 1st. I'll be in front of, not only my whole cast and crew from that project, but also all the investors, producers, blah blah blah. The biggest spotlight will be on ME.

The first question is: what am I gonna wear?
The next question is: how much can I shrink out of it in the next 2 weeks?

Starve on, my skinny bitches, starve on.

2008-09-16T17:26:00.003-04:00

Ugh. Eating so much is making me sick to my stomach. All I've had is 1/2 cup of frozen grapes, 1/2 cup of fat-free cottage cheese, and 1/2 cup of Kashi cereal. Oh, and three liters of water. Already I want to throw up.

Of course, I won't, because that would only make my throat hurt bloody worse. Nor will I skip anything on the plan today, because it's going to turn my metabolism back on, damnit! (Sorry, venting a little frustration at this fucking body of mine that won't cooperate.)

Instead, I'm distracting myself looking up thinspo. I love gymnasts... especially rhythmic gymnasts. Pin-thin and yet extraordinarily strong! Now that's true beauty! Now if I would just remember to stretch instead of eat every time I get hungry, I could look like this too! (And hell, wouldn't my boyfriend be a lucky guy?)

In the bottom-left corner, use the arrows to freeze frame, or the + and - to slow it, speed it up.

Create Your Own

2008-09-16T12:31:00.004-04:00

Radical changes.

Maybe I just have cabin fever from being bedded up all weekend with being sick. Yesterday I was beginning to feel better, and after writing my post here yesterday, the idea grew into a plan. With a new energy, I went downstairs and completely cleaned out my cupboards. The roommates were out, so I took the opportunity to clear all the junk food, snacks, and other distractions out of my food cabinet and my fridge shelf and throw them out.

Then I went shopping. I bought: fat-free cottage cheese, Kashi cereal, gardenburgers, single-serving frozen veggies for steaming, and grapes (instead of apples). Enough to last me for one week. This diet started today.

This diet needs a name.... any ideas, my dear readers? (Click on the little envelope at the end of this post to leave a comment. I'll put all the best ideas in a new poll this week.)

I guess I just got sick of completely starving and my weight not going anywhere. The whole point is to lose crazy weight fast, and it's not happening. I can only assume this is because my metabolism has slugged to a halt again. Ugh. So in order to fool it into thinking I'm "eating" again, I'm back on the 438-cals/day diet. ("Diet 438"?)

And this afternoon I noticed something new... my stomach growling LOUDLY. This is entertaining to me, you have no idea how it makes me giggle! When I don't eat anything at all, I get that concave feeling in my stomach, but no sounds, because it's not actually working on digesting anything. But when I give it a little tiny bit of something (had a half-cup of frozen grapes this morning), it goes to town digesting that stuff, and when it's done it lets me know it's ready for more. But I get such a power trip from denying it the food it demands from me! Ha ha!

Still on a path to try to be three pounds lighter than today's weight by Friday. Who wants to join me on this diet? (See below post for the full layout, highlighted in teal font.)

2008-09-15T11:36:00.004-04:00

There's all these things I'm remembering that I'd forgotten since the last time I proactively tried ana. Like the fact that I've barely taken a shit in the past week or so, because when you don't eat, you have nothing to shit!

Unfortunately, I've been very sick all this weekend, and that means I've been doing a whole lot of laying around, resting, but also not a lot of eating. (It hurts my throat to swallow.)

I still feel empty from not eating much, but not doing much means that my weight also hasn't changed for three days. Damnit.

However, the time in bed has given me a lot of hours to think about what sort of foods I COULD eat that I wouldn't feel guilty about. Here's a short list:

Sugar-free popsicles: 15 cals each (shiverring burns calories!)
Sugar-free jello: 10 cals each (take the time and effort to cut them into fun shapes, burn calories by playing with your food)
Watermelon, 1/2 cup (balls): 23 calories (the extra water makes you feel fuller)
Salsa, 2 tbsp: 15 calories (plus the cilantro gives your metabolism a jolt)
Plum, 1 small: 30 calories (plus it helps you shit out the calories you ate)

That's just the stuff that slides down easy. So now I'm sitting here starting to plan ahead for next week. I currently weigh only one pound less than I did seven days ago, and I still want to lose three more before Friday. This calls for something more drastic than just starving/restricting.

I was on this one self-created diet a few years ago that worked pretty well. I was working 8- to 12-hour days at my job, and going to the gym for 2 hours every night (about 1 hour cardio, 1/2 hour weights, 1/2 hour stretching/abs). And I really liked the results I got, even though they were slow to come. It's the sort of habitual routine that pays off in the long run.

>>Each day I would wake up and immediately start sipping a liter of cold water. Meantime, I'd have breakfast: 1/2 cup of fat-free cottage cheese (80 cals). I would finish the first liter of water before leaving the house.

At work, I would make sure to steadily consume another liter of water every 2.5 to 4 hours, depending on the length of my day. I would also steadily nosh on an apple (55 cals) cut up into 8 slices, sprinkled with lemon juice (to prevent browning), one bite at a time. And also 1 cup of Kashi heart-to-heart cereal (146 cals) that I kept in a baggie, one or two o's at a time (low-cal and high-fiber). During breaktimes and mealtimes I would avoid the crowd and find a corner to do situps, pushups, jumping jacks, whatever I could to burn more calories.

At the end of the workday, I would have a 1/2 cup of steamed vegetables (60 calories) to prepare me for my workout, during which I would consume the fifth liter of water, if not more. After my workout, I'd "reward" myself with a single portabello gardenburger (90 calories), a good hot shower and at least 8 hours of sleep.<<

That's a total of 431 calories per day, leaving me with a deficit of at least 1200 calories per day, provided my metabolism stayed on track. Being so cold (from all the cold water) motivated me to keep moving continually throughout the day, and since I wasn't exactly "starving," my body never really freaked out.

When my schedule was this steady for about 3 months straight, I dropped about 15 pounds and nobody around me really seemed to notice that I "wasn't eating." It was slow and steady, but in the end, I really liked the results. I kept up my metabolism, created some definition, and avoided all the stares.

Here I am, lying in bed, desperate to be well again so I can get back to my friggin' life. And wondering if I should try to go back to a plan like that again...

2008-09-14T16:25:00.007-04:00

The MEDIA are such bloody retards!

Keira Knightley's Foolproof Plan to Battle Anorexia Rumors: Pregnancy

Mention Keira Knightley's name to us, and two things come immediately to mind: Atonement, and a startlingly precipitous clavicle.

For years, Knightley has been fending off rumors about her bony physique, though now, the squatting star believes she's hit upon a plan that will silence her critics once and for all: The Duchess actress - who is often criticised for her slim figure - believes she would get a break from her detractors if she had a baby.

She said: 'That's a good reason to have a kid. They won't say I'm anorexic any more. S**t, I've got to have a child.'

F**k yeah you do! Having a baby (who we imagine, for some reason, would come out of the womb already furiously chain-smoking) could be the answer to all of Knightley's Hollywood prayers! Flush with pregnancy curves, no longer would the actress have to suffer the indignity of digitally-enhanced breasts and four-Skittle dinners. Or, alternately, Knightley could simply eat a sandwich every now and then.

Please Keira, don't do it! Remember how we used to worship Saint Ana Nicole Richie? Now look at her...

2008-09-11T21:39:00.002-04:00

I've been doing real good lately. Still not counting, and not water-fasting, but I am back to severely restricting. I've been liquids-only 3 days so far this week (every other day, but hoping to do at least 2 consecutive days sometime next week, for sure). Down two pounds. Wanted to be down 2 more by tomorrow, but I slipped up today.

I had a helluva day on a job I was shooting. Very high stress, very unlike me, but it caused me to want to hurt myself WITH food. So I had a venti Breve latte on the way home, and a cup of frozen grapes when I got here, as well as singing VERY loudly in the car (yeah, more like screaming) and straining my voice.

I grabbed a pudding cup and a box of animal crackers from the kitchen and brought them up to my bedroom to add more secret calories to the stress-binge. But in the mail today I got a DVD copy of some film footage I shot a few months ago in June. (I had to lose 20 lbs for the movie, so I look damn good in these scenes.) And watching that inspired me to put the desserts back.

I've got another commercial shoot tomorrow, and they'll probably try to feed me on the set. So while I don't think I'm going to hit my weekly goal this week, I'm going to try like hell to hit a new one next week: 4 lbs down from today's weight by next Friday (9/19).

The more I starve, the easier it gets, believe it or not. I guess it actually becomes "habitual" to THINK about what you're eating before you just slog it into your mouth. I've even been drinking less Starbucks on my liquid-only days.

Every time you say "No, thank you" to food, you say "Yes, please" to thin.

By the way, 65 votes for me not to come back to Ana, 163 votes for me TO come back. You asked for it; you got it. (Who the hell am I kidding? I'm back anyway.) Hopefully I'll be recreating my facebook profile this weekend. Stay tuned for that.

Starve on, my crazy skinny bitches! Woot!

2008-09-07T10:17:00.006-04:00

Striving for an ambiguous goal such as "I want to be skinnier" is much harder to achieve than setting realistic goals you can see.

I want be 20 lbs lighter by the next time my best friend sees me. Yes, that same best friend from the famous fight last year. When I started eating again, she "forgave" me and we're back on speaking terms. But now she lives 600 miles away in a different city, and we won't get to see each other again until mid-November.

“The most noble criticism is that in which the critic is not the antagonist so much as the rival of the author.” -- Benjamin Disraeli, British Prime Minister

So here's the plan: there are about 9 weeks from today until mid-November. That means I need to lose a little over 2 lbs EVERY WEEK until then in order to be 20 lbs lighter by then.

While I have been losing weight with this latest scheme of eating no solid food and just drinking whatever the hell I want, I'm certainly not starving. And that means the liquid calories are not allowing me to lose as much as I want as fast as I want.

So here it is, girlies. Harsher restrictions. In order to lose 3 lbs by the end of this week (good jump start to get ahead), I'm going to limit myself to: still no solid food, only one caloric drink per day (probably my Starbucks addiction), and the rest of the time water, non-caloric flavored water (Crystal Light, club soda), and diet teas (my favorite new Diet Raspberry has 0 calories and always gives me quite a little buzz).

Stay tuned, looks like I may be re-creating a facebook profile soon...

2008-09-05T14:13:00.005-04:00

So my agent just called me with an audition for next Wednesday where I have to show up in a bathing suit. Guess who'll be consuming liquids only until next Wednesday? :::sly grin:::

"What you eat in private WILL be seen in public."
Nothing so motivating as being a public spectacle.

To answer some comments: I'm still considering whether or not I want to go back to this full-time and long-term. I actually am sort of considered "in recovery," and if my senses get the better of me, I'll disappear from here again. It could just be that I'm only starving to hurt myself for this one bad week because I'm depressed or something. But if I change my mind, I'll open up a new facebook profile where you can message with me interpersonally.

My earlier post was asking you not to include YOUR personal email address when you leave comments for me (that little icon of an envelope with an arrow is for COMMENTS to be left on this blog), as those comments can be seen by EVERYBODY. Therefore, I will not publish any comment that includes your personal email address, im name, or website/blog.

As for posting personal stats.... lemme think on that too.

2008-09-05T00:38:00.007-04:00

Answer to a comment: Hey Summer. I'm already "fasting" and/or starving/restricting. I haven't eaten for the past two days, only been taking in liquids. Gonna be doing it again tomorrow. Join the fun. ;)

Getting back into the swing of it, girlies. Have some thinspo, along with my love and kisses. XOXO

Anorexia is not a disease. Anorexia is not a game. Anorexia is a skill, perfected only by a few. The chosen, the pure, the flawless.
	God, can I please look like this? Pretty please?
Empty is pure, starving is the cure.
Thin wrists, tiny waist. So beautiful.
In the body, as in sculpture, perfection is attained not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

2008-09-04T01:40:00.003-04:00

Been reading over some of my own old posts. Damn... I forgot how much fun it was to starve and fast with ya'll!

I haven't written a single haiku since the last time I was "Ana." I miss that.

Wow, lots of people were reading this blog, the counter was up over 4000 while I was still actively writing. And that was accumulated over about three or four months. Unfortunately, that counter-site has since disbanded, so I've had to replace the counter and started over at 1. :::le sigh:::

2008-09-04T00:44:00.002-04:00

RE: Comments -- love ya'll, but quit including your personal contact info

I've gotten a lot of really brilliant comments since the last time I posted (in January). I want ya'll to know that I did read ALL of them, and "published" many of them. Unfortunately, I had to "reject" (NOT publish) any comments that included your personal emails, instant message names, or blog addresses.

It's not that I don't love ya'll or want to connect with you, but you know that the PTB keep an eye on shit like this. They've already shut down my first facebook account, and if they decide to shut down this blog, I don't want them to be able to find ya'll too. So keep sending the encouraging comments -- I do love to hear from ya'll. Just don't include your personal info. I hate having to "reject" a really great comment just becuase it has your info at the end.

I didn't eat at all today. Only had one fruit juice, 1 coffee, and a whole helluva lot of water. I feel great. I'm going to do it again tomorrow. I'm not calling it a religious fast -- it's not. It's just starving for the fun of hurting myself and crashing off some weight.

If I'm heading back in this direction long-term, I'll consider opening another facebook account. If I do that, I'll let ya'll know and we can connect there. My facebook peeps were my fucking lifeline last year. (Love ya'll to the bones.)

2008-09-03T01:23:00.005-04:00

Well hello there, skinny bitches.

I'm thinking of starving again.

I'm back to 145. Have been trying to "be good": eating, exercising moderately.

But this is too much weight. I hate my body. I'm sorry, HOW THE HELL does anyone just EAT and LOSE weight?

I thought I had deleted this blog when I decided to "get healthy" earlier this year. Glad to see it's still here. Glad to see people are still reading it and leaving comments.

Just so ya'll know... the hater's comments will not be published. Thanks for reading; now fuck off. Call me ana. Or just call me a "starving artist." I could bloody care less.

To the supporters... ya'll are my thinspiration. You make me feel its ok to come back.

I liquid-fasted last Friday and lost 2.5 lbs. It felt fucking marvelous. But I gained it back over the weekend and I feel like shit again. Tomorrow I will be liquid fasting again. Just the taste of it (forgive the minced words) makes me wanna go crash dieting back down to 130 and get lost in starvation again...

Are there any readers still out there? Ana is listening...

2008-01-21T11:56:00.001-05:00

I love Evangeline Lilly. I read a poll in my latest Glamour magazine. Men were given a choice of whose body shape is the most appealing. Here's how it turned out:
4% other
4% Venus Williams' uber-athlete body
22% Sara Ramirez's curves
24% Kate Bosworth's gamine figure
46% Evangeline Lilly's equal sexiness in formal gowns or muscle tees

Now let's do the googling and find out the REAL statistics:
Venus Williams - Height: 6'1 1/2" Weight: 169 lbs BMI: 22.0
Sara Ramirez - won't even list her BMI, but she wears size 14
Kate Bosworth - Height: 5'7" Weight: 105 lbs BMI: 16.4
Evangeline Lilly - Height: 5'5" Weight: 121 lbs BMI: 20.1

C'mon people. Do the math. Skinny wins every time. Thinner is the winner!

2008-01-21T11:31:00.000-05:00

I've been visiting my parents lately, and it's easy to see why I got so sick after visiting them last year. The two of them have a really good talent for making anyone feel like a total sack of shit.

My father is the worst. He watches all kinds of trash tv, and feels compelled, whenever he sees a girl who is only moderately attractive instead of Hollywood attractive, to yell at the screen, "She looks like a man!" He does it with a sneer of, "Thank God I'm perfect!"

He loves to throw that same sneer at me across the table. If we order out at a restaurant, no matter WHAT I order, he makes that little sound of disapproval and then subtly shakes his head and pretends to stare back at his menu. If I've ordered something heavy, it's "do you know how many calories that is?" And if I've ordered something light it's, "you're gonna make yourself sick like that." I can't win.

And no matter how thin mom gets, she's never thin enough. "Oh, I'm so fat." Even though she's considerably thinner and definitely more fit than me. She exercises like crazy. She loves to use so much work as an excuse to skip meals.

Yesterday I did a little shopping before I stopped over to the house, and when they saw my bags they were perky. "Ooh! Show us what you got!!" For a moment I was proud, ready to parade my shopping savvy because I'd gotten a $50 dress for $17. But when I pulled it out to show them, Dad said, "Psh. That's a pretty wild print. S'gonna make your hips look huge." and Mom said, "Oh, it's not that bad. I'd wear it." So I suggested she should try it on. And she says in that mockingly patronizing tone, "Oh I couldn't possibly fit into it. My waist isn't near as small as yours," knowing damn-well it's a lie.

Just fuck me sideways.

So I went out last night with a friend for sushi. Bless his heart, he tries to feed me as often as he can. And I actually feel comfortable with him, like he's doing it because he cares about me not because he's trying to make me gain weight. And he matches me bite for bite, so there can be no guilt in either direction.

But when I saw dad this morning, sure enough he gripes, "Do you know how many grams of fat are in that sushi? Those cuts of fish are pretty oily!"

You weren't even fucking THERE, Dad!!!

Of course I kept a mental tally. I told him I didn't eat more than 500 calories worth of sushi last night, which is rounded up. "Well," he protests, "that's definitely better for you than the 375-calorie burger I had."

Yeah. What he doesn't tell you is that he ate that 380-burger (I looked it up) with a 400-calorie small fries and a 400-calorie bowl of chili. Not to mention the large Vault drink, which brings his meal to well over 1000 calories!

Fuck you, Dad!

::::sigh::::

So you can see how visiting my parents is not the best thing for my eating disorder.

2008-01-16T23:56:00.000-05:00

What have I done? What do I do?

I haven't blogged in about two-and-a-half months. I have been "getting well." I have been "eating normally." I have realigned my walk with God. I have gone through entire days where no one asks me, "Have you eaten today?"

And I have gained 25 pounds in 5 months. I have lost my best friend. I can't stand the way my clothes fit. I hate what I see in the mirror.

So which side is winning? Am I healthy? Or am I fat? And where do I go from here?

........................................

Soon after moving into my new apartment, I started working at Starbucks. In the same instant, my career took off again, so between the two jobs I did not have even a single day off for almost eight solid weeks. Most days, I barely had time to shower and sleep, so when my gym membership expired practically untouched, I decided to let it run out instead of renewing.

In mid-December, I came home to be with my family for the holidays. In the six weeks I have been here, I have put on eight pounds. In an attempt to "eat normally" in front of my family, I have actually gone overboard and I'm about to bust into the next size of clothes.

I want it to stop. Every morning I step on the scale hoping, praying to God that I will be lighter today than I was yesterday. Some days I get it, some days not. And now I am teetering at a whopping 150 pounds.

Six months ago, I promised myself I'd be 100 or less by now. What have I done?

More importantly, what do I do now? In a few weeks, I will return to New York to resume my post-holiday career. I would love to quit Starbucks and get back into the gym. My ass feels so fucking lazy it's despicable.

But I want to keep the earnest relationship I've developed with the Lord, and I know He will never condone my anorexic behavior. In fact, I can't even call myself anorexic anymore, not at this weight. This yo-yo effect is more typical of an Ed-Nos diagnosis.

A few months ago, just before I left New York, my best friend and I got into a serious fight. We went out "to eat" and I barely picked at my salad and she ordered a burger. When the orders came, she demanded to know why I "wasn't eating." To my defense, I WAS eating, but I told her that my stomach was upset and I didn't feel like eating much. In her fashion of dramatic protest, she pushed her untouched burger aside and refused to eat another bite. To her, it was her way of getting my attention and letting me know she disapproved of my decision. To me, it seemed more like a challenge of "I can eat less than you."

But the fight didn't end there. After dinner, she made three long trips to the bathroom in quick succession, continuing to ream me any time she came back to the table. When I accusingly asked what the hell she was spending so much time in the bathroom for, she couldn't take it. She may have been throwing up, but I never ate in the first place. I had won, we both knew it, and she wasn't losing very gracefully. And so she walked out, slamming the door behind her, and we have hardly spoken since.

Is this worth it? Now I sit here fat but "healthy." I have gained the compassion of my family, and lost the relationship with my best friend. I knowing eating is the "right thing" to do, but I hate what it's done to my body.

Do I return to anorexia and fasting? Or should I learn to be happy with my plus-figure? Is there another way that leads to weight loss while still eating healthy? My "healed" mind reels at the possibilities. The voice of Ana, never leaving my head, whispers seductively, "Let's go back. Let's do it again. You looked so damn hot at 125, and this time we'll go even lower!" Damn, that voice is sexy. So fucking tempting.

But the voice of my Father cries out, "No! I love you as you are! I created you to be this way, and I wish you could see yourself with all the love I hold for you." I feel pitiful, and unworthy of such grace.

Clearly, I cannot be classified as "recovered." Only fatter than I was when I was so obviously sick.

What have I done to myself? Am I ok? Where do I go from here?

2007-10-28T17:21:00.001-04:00

The good news is: I had a SUPER-busy week, which kept me hopping enough that I hardly had time to sleep or think, never mind eat. Lots of coffee, water, and coke zeros have kept me going.

The bad news is: I did not have time to go to the gym even ONCE this week, nor was I able to weigh myself until this morning. After five full days of liquid fasting (and yes, I had a 240-calorie sushi roll last night), I am only down THREE POUNDS. This sucks!!

I haven't eaten anything today, and just finished a liter of water. Plus I had my 160-calorie Venti Starbucks this morning. Next week is going to be another crazy one, but not quite as crazy as this one was. I'm scheduled to brunch/lunch with a friend tomorrow, so I'm thinking I'll fast today, eat that tomorrow, then start a new long-term fast on Tuesday.

Ugh. After not being at the gym for well over a week, my body didn't want to cooperate when I finally got back on the elliptical this afternoon. I managed to push myself 5.05 miles. Hopefully last night's sushi hasn't stuck to my ribs already.

I won't be able to go to the gym tomorrow, but hopefully I will both Tuesday and Wednesday, which'll be a good jump start for the new fast. Thursday the week gets all screwy again and I'll probably not be able to blog.

But I want to send a shout-out to all the faithful readers who've messaged me here and on facebook === WHAT UP SKINNY BITCHES!!!! === Ya'll rock my fucking world, especially at the end of a long fast when I feel like, "Just one little bite won't hurt me..." I remember that I'll have to write about it here and it gives me that last little PUSH I need to get through! You guys are the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-25T15:50:00.000-04:00

Secret to Brittny Gastineau's success? Try anorexia

Posted Oct 22nd 2007 4:58PM by Anne Metz on Styledash.com

There's a zen koan that says if you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.

Now I don't know anything about meeting Buddha, but I can say that if you meet a model on the road who says she loves to eat, don't believe her -- especially if she's ex-reality TV-star Brittny Gastineau.

The raven-haired Gastineau recently told Jay Leno's "Ross the Intern" that she stayed thin through anorexia.

Was she kidding? Well, if you trace Gastineau's incredible weight loss over the past year (I don't -- I honestly didn't know who she was until thirty minutes ago), you'd probably conclude that she was speaking the truth. But still, the confession seems awfully weird.

One thing is certain, admitting to an eating disorder is not a good way to jump start a modeling career, which her friends say is the motivation behind her shrinking frame. Even though most agents and designers would be chomping at the bit to get a 5'11 girl who weighs just 105 pounds, I doubt anyone is willing to touch her now that she's publicly admitted she's an anorexic. The fashion industry can't continue to exist as it is without putting forth the illusion that models its healthy and naturally thin. The fact is once a model says she's sick, the gig's up.
.....................................................................

I'm sorry, but this is just stupidity at its best. I'm happy for her, glad that she's lost such huge amounts of weight, that she's had the willpower to stay with it for so long. But why the HELL would you flush it all away by openly admitting on NATIONAL television that you did it with anorexia???

Let this be a lesson, girls. KEEP YOUR ANONYMITY AT ALL COSTS. Keep the secret. That's exactly WHY we have these blogs and facebook profiles and none of us use our real name. It's only truly WORKING if you can still smile and say, "I'm just blessed with a fast metabolism."

Ugh.

2007-10-23T21:26:00.001-04:00

After first day of fasting, down FOUR POUNDS. Good.

Still not quite good enough. Never enough. I need to lose the other five pounds by Saturday morning. If I can do that, I'll have a little 240-calorie sushi dish on Saturday night, then back to fasting to get down another three-to-five.

Thank God for my new part-time gig at Starbucks. They sure do keep you on your toes. And even with all the drinks I had to make and "taste", I know I didn't go over 500 calories today. Yet the pace there keeps you hopping, so I know I burned more than I took in.

And so far I'm doing well balancing both the part-time coffee shop and the film/tv career. Had a fantastic audition for a commercial today, and still made it to my shift on time. On the first break of my shift, landed a voiceover to be canned on Thursday. Hooray!

Tomorrow: day 3 of the five-day fast to lose 9 pounds gained during shooting last week. A little bit of shopping in the morning, a short shift in the afternoon, and the gym for a good hard spin in the evening! Gotta get those last five gone!

2007-10-22T09:59:00.001-04:00

I am fat, fat, fat.

I love my work, I love what I do. But I hate that they always FEED ME!!! I mean, how the hell do they expect me to eat and stay this skinny??? They HIRED me because I am this skinny. Then I work for five days, eating every day, which means I'll have to fast for another 2 weeks once the project is over so I can take all that weight back off.

Ugh.

Hi girls and guys. I'm back. AGAIN.

I'm not feeling too proud of myself. The last week has been a blessing and a nightmare all at once. In seven days, I'm several thousand dollars richer, but nine pounds heavier. Damnit.

Monday I started my new part-time job at Starbucks. I didn't eat ALL DAY in preparation for all the tasting they made me do that night. Fifteen minutes before my first shift, I got a call from my agent that booked me solid for the next six days.

Thus, I haven't been able to write to you since then.

Tuesday I had one audition that turned into 3 auditions overnight. It was crazy, but hopefully it will turn into more work. Plus I had a short shift again at Starbucks that night. I was feeling alright though, because moving around to so many different studios kept me moving and busy, and I didn't eat anything at all, all day long. It was great.

But Wednesday through Sunday I had booked a film job, and I was on the set 10 hours every day. For the most part this was good -- I got a coffee in the wee hours of the morning on my way to the set, and I left the set each day at 6 pm, so I was able to go home without dinner.

But they brought me lunch every single day. And since I was with the cast and crew, unable to leave set for lunch, I had to eat it. I also had several cups of coffee on set, so I completely lost track of calories. On a good note, I was almost always on-camera or in the wings with a script in one hand and a bottle of water in the other, and the craft-services table was WAY on the other side of the set. So temptation was out of reach, and I never took even ONE crumb from the craft-services table. Hooray!

I know the previous two weeks of successful fasting had to have put a big brakes on my metabolism, because in just five consecutive days of lunches, I put nine pounds back on! How the hell does that add up???

Well, now that I'm finished with that project, I am DEFINITELY back to fasting. My Starbucks training is now at a point where I can determine what I drink or don't drink or try or don't try. So I can control my calorie intake. I'm hoping these nine pounds will come off as fast as they went on, as soon as I stop putting calories in. Ugh.

I feel like a fucking whale.

I feel like a deadbeat because I haven't been able to check my weight daily for an entire week, I've barely been able to check email, and I've had absolutely NO chance to blog or check in with the facebook fasters. (Although from what I've briefly looked over this morning, they're doing fantastic! Losing HUGE amounts of weight! Go girls!!!)

Well, so far I don't have any work (other than Starbucks) lined up for this week. No one will be force feeding me. So I'm planning to do a five-day fast from now (technically yesterday, Sunday at 8 pm) until next Saturday morning at 8 am. Liquids only. If I can take off the nine pounds and get back to where I was this time last week, I'll be satisfied, reassess, and make new fasting plans from there.

On a viewer note: I want to say a HUGE THANKYOU to all the loyal blogreaders who've continually checked in each day. While I was gone this past week, the counter rolled over 4000!! Woot! That's encouraging to me - and I promise to lose these nine pounds for YOU GUYS!!!!!

2007-10-15T09:13:00.000-04:00

Yay! I'm back - and four pounds lighter!!! Oh, how I've missed you guys!!!

This was a crazy weekend, but I got through it, and now I'm on the other side and SOOOOOO looking forward!!! Friday I got a new job (to start Monday) and an offer to move to a new apartment. So within 48 hours my whole life turned about -- that's the way it usually goes for me, so I'm halfway used to it.

Saturday I spent running around town getting things wrapped up, and packed most of my stuff into boxes and bags. And I went to church that night and had a great time thanking God for His infinite Goodness. Sunday morning, as soon as my roommates had left for church I started packing the car and moving across town. Two and a half carloads and only five hours later, I was officially out of one and into another.

Heavy boxes down one flight of stairs, into the car, and up two flights of stairs into the new place -- I worked up quite a sweat! They say that mixing weight-lifting with your cardio is a better workout -- it definitely is! And even though my new roommates made me a "welcome home" meal last night (rice and chicken), I've managed to drop four pounds over the entire weekend. Woot!!

Well, yesterday was supposed to have been day 5 of the first five-day fast. But due to my extreme circumstances, I had to eat. I could definitely feel all the muscles in my legs, arms, and back quivering, especially by the end of the second carload. The stairway leading to my attic room is a narrow winding staircase, so there was no option to set down a heavy box to rest along the way. Just push, push, push!! So a protein follow-up was necessary to keep me from being too sore to move today.

Yet, I must have burned more than I ate, because I'm down! Hooray! I got the whole room settled in an evening, and it feels a LOT more like home than my last place. My new roommates are SOOOOO kind and generous.... let's hope that doesn't extend to too many dinner invitations.

And tonight I start my new job at Starbucks with a LOAD of coffee tasting! Hee hee! I'm trying to limit my drinking calories this morning knowing that tonight is probably going to top me off and maybe even push way above my self-imposed limits. Liquid only is ok for fasting, but too many liquid calories with NO food leads to a lot of simple fat absorption which is harder to burn than ingesting quick-burn carbs or fiber.

So I've decided to fast TODAY as the fifth day of the last five-day fast, followed DIRECTLY by the next five-day fast. I won't eat again until 8 am on Sunday. Essentially this means that last week I had 2 four-day fasts, and this week I'm doing a 6-day fast. Then next week I'll be directly back on track with the rest of the facebook group for a 7-day fast.

I really have no idea how I'm STILL not hungry! The human body is such a strange machine. Maybe mine is just so out-of-whack at this point, never knowing when it's going to get fed or not that I'm just in permanent ketosis. Whatever. As long as those numbers keep going down - life is peachy!!

2007-10-12T16:53:00.000-04:00

I apologize for not being around to blog for the last few days. There's been quite a hurricane in my life lately, and everything's changing. At least it keeps me busy, and I have been thinking of everything BUT eating.

Here's the long and short of it: my best friend was onto me right away about not eating. I guess I really do look thinner. And none of my excuses would appease her. We spent all day Wednesday together, but at each other's throats. She refused to eat all day unless I did. It was a challenge I was happy to accept. By the end of the day, I had had one coffee and a small pear, for a total of 350 calories. She, of course, got hungry and ate a granola bar, a bag of almonds, and after ditching me for her family, ate out at an Italian restaurant (can you say pasta and bread by the bucket-load? blech!).

Wednesday night we got in the mother of all fights, and she walked away feeling like a martyr. And though I walked away in tears, inside I knew that the next time she sees me, I'm going to be twenty pounds thinner. And I'll still be smiling victoriously.

So Thursday I got back on the fasting bandwagon with ya'll, but spent the entire day running around catching people up on how my two days had gone, kvetching and sobbing about how badly my friend "needs prayer to see her through this difficult time she is facing." Another friend of mine decided to cheer me up by taking me along to her African dance class and then enjoying a girls-night pajama party at her apartment watching the Office. Totally mellowed me out, and still only consumed 2 liters of water all day.

Then today brought about another flurry of changes. I applied at Starbucks and got hired on the spot before I could even finish filling out the application. I start Monday. And my other friend who works there has a room for rent which is going to be loads more convenient than the apartment in which I'm currently staying. My current roommates are pregnant, and my room is about to become the nursery, so out I go. I'm moving in with my new friend on Sunday.

So this weekend is going to be extremely busy!!! I'm going to see another friend of mine tonight in the closing weekend of his show. Tomorrow I'll spend all day packing, and I'll go out to church tomorrow night. Sunday I'll spend all day packing and moving, and Monday I start work at Starbucks. I'll have to do a lot of coffee tasting, which could potentially add up in calories. But it will be ALL liquid, so it fits perfectly right in with my liquid fast.

There will be so much to do this weekend that there just won't be time to stop and think about eating!! How convenient is that!?

But there also won't be time to blog, I'm afraid. As soon as I get my room setup and my computer hooked up with some internet, I'll get back to the grind here. I'm gonna miss you guys!!!

In the meantime, starve on!!!! You know I won't be eating at all, so I hope it'll encourage you to stick to your fasts as well. I promise I'll try desperately to drop you a line here or there if I get half a second to do so. But if you don't hear from me til mid-next-week, be strong! Think thin! Starve on!!!!!

2007-10-09T10:10:00.000-04:00

Day 9 of 34, morning.

Down another pound today! Yay! That's 9 lbs total so far, which is perfectly on track for the fast!

I won't be able to blog tomorrow because my best friend is coming to town. For the same reason, I'm fasting again today instead of tomorrow, and reserving my eating day for tomorrow instead of today. Thursday I'll pick up as if it was day 2 of the 5-day fast, and get right back on track.

This morning I woke up with the first pains of hunger that I haven't had in a long time. It was hard to ignore when I thought, "Just one little 30-cal plum or a small bowl of oatmeal to get you through." Nope. I refuse. I got myself busy doing laundry, cleaning the car, and blogging here. ;)

And since work's been good, so has my energy. I'm feeling upbeat and positive, so keeping moving has been no problem. I haven't been to the gym in a few days, but I did walk about 2 1/2 miles around Manhattan yesterday, according to my pedometer. Every little bit counts.

A very busy day ahead today, and even busier tomorrow. Thursday I'll be back to post how it all went. Til then, stay strong girls! Think thin and never give up!

2007-10-08T21:54:00.000-04:00

Day 8 of 34, late evening.

What a crazy day. Day 3 of the 3-day fast, and I can't believe I've hardly even THOUGHT of hunger all day. But it's one of those crazy busy work days, ya know? Well, that's good, it kept me busy. All I had was 1 liter of water, 1 can of coke zero, and 2 coffees. WAY too much caffeine and not enough water, which is why at 10 pm at night, on only five hours of sleep and three days without food I'm still going NINETY MILES AN HOUR.

I also found out today that my best friend is (surprise) coming to town to visit me on Wednesday. So as I HAD been planning to eat tomorrow and fast Wednesday through Sunday, instead I will have to carry on this 3-day fast into a fourth day on Tuesday, so that if she coerces me to eat on Wednesday, at least I can try to keep it under 300 cals and stay on track.

So don't panic if you don't hear from me in the next few days. She's my best friend, she knows (nearly) everything, and she has eyes like a hawk. So I'll be lucky if I can get in here to post. But I promise I'll do my very best. At the least, you can expect to hear from me again for sure on Thursday.

Another frustrating morning - still not lost another pound. Three days I've been at this weight. But with the crazy day I had today, and the 2 similar days I've got coming right up, I'm hoping by the time I get to see a scale again on Thursday I'll have lost BOTH pounds that I need to lose by Sunday to keep me on track.

I'm not sure if the lack of hunger today was from simply being purely busy all day, or if I'm truly falling into ketosis. I suppose the latter is easily plausible. Well, whatever it is, I sure am glad that I don't feel starving pains and that I'm not eating ANYTHING. If I can keep it up, then once I push past this plateau I think the pounds are going to start FALLING off of me.

I did get some really great compliments at my audition today. I looked killer in my yellow dress as usual, and I was playing around with a couple of cute youngins' from out-of-town.

I just love living dangerously. ;)

P.S. The blog hits rolled over 3000 today. Woot!

STARVE ON!!!

2007-10-07T22:12:00.000-04:00

I'm writing this Sunday night for Monday. Unfortunately I can't tell you yet if I'll have lost any weight, but I'm really hoping for at least one pound since I only drank 360 calories today (1 coffee, 2 ciders, 2 liters water), and I ran 7 miles at the gym, did 100 crunches, and put in 3 sets of weightlifting (among a variety of other busy-ness throughout the day).

My lone comment yesterday asked about the taste of a saltwater flush. Well, just like it sounds, yes, it's saltwater. Made withe sea salt. So, yes, it tastes a bit like warm ocean water. And no, it's not exactly tasty. If you haven't eaten in a while (which makes the flush work better) then it's easy to convince yourself that the first cup is chicken broth. After that... yeah, you're just sort of pinching your nose and chugging as fast as you can.

The first time I did it, I really did feel like gagging. Honestly I thought I might throw up naturally. But it was more from the feeling of being so incredibly full all of a sudden after being empty for so long than from the taste of it. The trick is to immediately find a quiet calm place to lie down and massage your belly so that the water starts moving from your stomach through your intestines, where it does it's real work. Once your stomach empties out a bit (usually about 10-15 minutes), the fullness that made you want to gag subsides.

P.S. Sunday was the first day that this blog received 100 hits within 24 hours - yay!!!

Starve on, ladies and gentleman! One more day on this 3-day fast, 300 calories tomorrow, and then a new adventure: the five-day fast!!! Woot!

2007-10-07T16:18:00.001-04:00

fun with mag photos...

2007-10-07T10:32:00.000-04:00

Day 7 of 34, late morning.

Today is the first day my weight has plateaued. I'm ok with that though. I've lost 7 lbs in the first week, which is huge. I plan to lose a total of at least 16 lbs by the end of the 34-days, so this is a good jump start. To stay on track, I only need to lose 2 more by next Saturday, so I'm not worried... yet.

I know that because my metabolism is slowing down, the energy is waning and the weight loss is going to slow down too. This is something I didn't account for on the last long fast, a lesson hard learned. The disappointment caused me to slip up before the entire fast was done -- a mistake I DO NOT intend to repeat!

I got a weird compliment at the party the other night. Some guy did a double take of me and said, "Wow! You've lost like mega lbs!" and his wife hit him. I don't know if she hit him because he complimented another woman (although we're all friends, it didn't seem like a problem), or because that implies that before I lost the weight I was REALLY fat!

Truth is, I'm not any lighter than the last time he saw me a few months ago... in fact I'm actually slightly HEAVIER now. Go figure...

Today is day 2 of the first 3-day fast. I was really looking forward to this one, and so far it's going REALLY well. I only was tempted by food a few times yesterday, and managed to press through by keeping myself busy with other activities and finally sipping on some coffee. My stomach didn't actually start making noise until late last night, and then I think it was more digesting the pure liquid rather than begging for food. My stomach must have shrunk quite a bit by now, so the hunger is not hitting as hard.

But the next 36 hours are SOOOOO crucial. The first day is always easy for me, especially since this is my third "first day" this week. It's a cinch. But the end of day 2 and all of day 3 are going to be tough, I think. But I'm actually really excited and looking forward to it! I think, "Bring on the challenge!" because I want to prove to everyone, including myself, that I can do it.

And if I can make it three days without eating, then the next time I'll make it five, and then another fiver after that, followed by a seven and a four and that's it to the end of the fast - and my big photo shoot!

2007-10-06T11:14:00.000-04:00

Day 6 of 34, noon.

I'm REALLY looking forward to this three-day fast! After the last 2-day fast, I really felt like if I just pushed through one more day of not eating, I could almost FEEL my body coasting into ketosis. But because I'm trying to be a good example and a good leader, I ate yesterday as is described in the plan.

And I even fudged that up a little. When I woke up yesterday, I tried to have a little 50-calorie yogurt, but after two days with no food, my stomach couldn't handle more than half of it. So I probably ate only about 30 calories.

But later in the day I decided to fix up this South Beach lunch box that I've been hanging on to. It's low-carbs, and high-fiber and protein, so I figured it would be perfect to set me up for the next three-day fast. And boy, did it satisfy! I guess the high-protein was a LOT more satisfying to an empty stomach than it usually is to a normal stomach. Woot!

But that was 240 calories, so my total for the day was 270 calories. I managed to eat (and drink!) absolutely ZERO calories at the party last night - HUGE ACHIEVEMENT!! - and a big group of us even went for about a mile-long walk downtown! Burn, baby, burn!

Yesterday at the gym I could only push myself through 4 miles and 50 crunches. I felt disappointed that it wasn't 10 miles, but I know it's better than not going at all. Right now I feel like I could go to the gym, which would kill some time, or I could stay here and enjoy the beautiful breeze coming in through my window while I crochet all day long and head to church tonight.

I'm curious how long it will be before my stomach starts to growl again. I sOOOOOO don't feel hungry at all right now. Yay! I don't even long for coffee or a drink with calories. I'll try to get through the day on water for as long as possible before heading out for some Starbucks.

2007-10-05T10:31:00.000-04:00

I don't know how many of you are the praying kind, but I am. Here's some info I found on the web a few days ago that's helping to keep me thin-spired...

* * *
John Wesley refused to ordain those who did not fast every Wednedsay and Friday. (Wednesday to commemorate Judas' betrayal, Friday to commemorate the crucifixion.) He felt that anyone who could not rule his own belly could not be expected to rule the church of God.

If you don't fast and pray, your spiritual life is unbalanced. If you are a soldier of the Lord, you can hardly expect to be commended for your conduct if you never check back into headquarters for instructions.

A simple outline:

Have a nice, long chat with God first thing in the morning and in the late evening. Take a walk and talk things out with Him.
Pray at each meal, and before falling asleep. This leads to praying often, but God still prefers quality to quantity.
Fast whenever you need intensive prayer... Your appetite acts as a prayer alarm; instead of eating your usual treat, you pray. That keeps you focused all day long.

God built it into us... use it.

2007-10-05T10:09:00.002-04:00

Day 5 of 34. Morning.

Down only 1/2 pound today. Boo. Welll..... at least it's not a gain.

I'm totally loving all the comments and questions you guys are posting. It's awesome having a dialogue with ya'll! I'm going to try to address them all.

First off, I want to post the link to Facebook(link no longer valid), for those of you who might be interested in joining up. I hate to shamelessly plug like that, but I'm getting a lot of parallel questions on the fasting group there and here on the blog. There are 39 members in the current "New 34-day Fast," and they're a fantastic bunch of us guys and girls who are incredibly supportive of each other. It's an easy way to be anonymous and still be pro-ana at its finest!!

J asked if I could post twice a day.
J -- sometimes I do, when the mood strikes and I have time to spare. But I'm also working and trying to keep this hidden the same as all of us are, so I can't promise to post twice EVERY day. But I'll try, from now on, to find some other thinspo or something to add here and there. It might not be me journaling, it might just be a picture or an article, but I hope it helps.

If you have the opportunity to be online that often, I'd encourage you to try the Facebook. It's like the alternative to Myspace (which I don't have), so you get updates every three seconds or so, 'round the clock.

P.S. Congratulations on the incredible success of your own restricting fast! That takes a LOT of willpower!!

Anonymous asked, "What's a saltwater flush?"
A saltwater flush is my preferred alternative to laxatives. In a nutshell, you basically drink a quart of warm saltwater and a few hours later EVERYTHING comes out. It's a great way to rid your body of nasty toxins, and a quick solution for big-number water-weight loss when you need it in a pinch. It's also entirely organic, as opposed to laxatives which are stimulant drugs. If you're interested in trying it, here's the full recipe.

amyyy wrote, "youre a insperation."
What can I say? Thanks, dollface. Just remember I probably couldn't be as strong if I didn't know that I've got you guys here backing me up and keeping me in check. I have honestly come across temptations in my day and thought, "No, because I don't want to have to blog about failing." My readers rock!!!

2007-10-04T12:31:00.000-04:00

Day 4 of 34. Morning.

I have officially dropped one whole BMI point today! Yay!
(One down, 2.2 to go.)

Unfortunately, the roommate is STILL sick and at home from work, so once again I have to put off my saltwater flush. The next first-fasting-day will be Saturday, and they'll both be home, so that's out. :::exasperated sigh::: I guess my next real chance will be Monday, which will be the third day of that fast, and may well at that point be futile. :::another sigh::: Maybe next Wednesday, which will be the following first-fasting-day. :::grumbling::: Damn roommies.

Yay --- went on a long walk this morning and picked up a nice coffee to get me started. Nothing else much doing. If I'm still this hyped-up tonight from the caffeine-on-an-empty-stomach, I might try to get to the gym for at least a little while. I wanna wear my sexy yellow dress to the party tomorrow night, so I wanna look as skinny as possible!

Addressing some comments I've received:

Amyyy from London: welcome to the fast! If you're on facebook.com, msg me by searching "Ana Regzig" and I'll invite ya into the group. It's free to join facebook... or you can just keep up here with the blog. I'll be doing my best to post daily. MWAH!!! Luv ya to the bones! XOXO

JSAID asked about "tips for lightheadedness":

THE OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: I'm not a doctor! This information is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. If you are having feelings of lightheadedness, please consult your family doctor or health professional for a full diagnosis and treatment plan. Blah blah blah...

You asked for tips about lightheadedness. That's perfect timing believe it or not, as I've just now gotten to the point where I'm occasionally losing balance and what not. I haven't had any grey-outs or black-outs yet, but it won't be long now.

Fainting in public is the worst, isn't it? Ugh. Your number one defense is WATER. Your body can survive without food for weeks -- it feeds on stored fat. But without plenty of water, your body will actually begin to shut down and die within 3 days. That's why it doesn't take long for you to feel faint -- your body is trying to preserve you for maximum survival.

Hydration is your #1 weapon against fainting and lightheadedness. As soon as you wake up in the morning, start your day by drinking one full glass of ice cold water. Then make sure to have one full glass every hour on the hour, or else just keep like a liter or a gallon handy and take sips off of it every now and then, and make sure you finish it by day's end. Don't try to chug a whole bunch at once, you'll just feel sick. [In extreme cases, this can even be toxic!] Your body needs constant, steady hydration... best just to sip every few minutes.

Drink at least 2 liters of water every day, especially when you're not eating. And if you can, make sure to restore your electrolytes daily too, especially if you're purging. (Shameless plug: Walmart sells little sports drink mix packets called "Replenish" which infuse your water with a little bit of flavor, plus the necessary electrolytes, and ZERO calories! You can find them with the Koolaid/Gatorade mixes.)

If you are plenty hydrated and still feeling dizzy/lightheaded...
First, immediately SIT DOWN. Even if you just have to squat, lean forward and get your head between your knees. If you're in public, you can pretend you dropped an earring or you're looking for your contact, or tying your shoe. Don't panic, breathe deeply, and relax until the feeling goes away.

If you're standing, DON'T just bend at the waist and DON'T lock your knees! You will be sure to faint. And if you cause a scene, people may try to feed you. You must bend at the knees and do whatever it takes to restore the bloodflow to your brain. Generally this means slowing down and getting low, so that your heart doesn't have to pump so hard.

2007-10-04T00:16:00.000-04:00

MIDNIGHT CAFFEINATION
another haiku by Ana Regzig

Forty ounces of
coffee, and only thirty-
four ounces water

And not a single
bite to eat. Wishing I had
burned it off somehow.

This does not balance.
So at midnight, I sit here
INSANELY WIRED.

Write haiku to pass
the time, burn some energy,
try to get sleepy.

If my 'hood wasn't
so sketchy, I'd go for an
awesome moonlit run.

But alas, no. Sigh.
I sit here fidgeting and
fussing to no end.

Waiting for it to
wear off. Praying that I'm still
burning calories.

Is it too early
to weigh myself? Yeah. Better
get eight hours first.

Me and my caffeine
addiction. I have only
my sick self to blame.

2007-10-03T16:52:00.001-04:00

Day 3 of 34, early evening.

Blech! Life (aka. my ROOMMATES) got in the way today. I was gonna do a saltwater flush first thing this morning, but each of them decided to skip half a day so I didn't get the house to myself. Boo. Oh well, I'll have to do it tomorrow.
But that does mean I've been flitting in and out of the house myself, so that's keeping me busy and moving. Hooray! I ran 10 1/2 miles last night -- watching "The Biggest Loser" on NBC is incredibly thinspirational!

And so are all of you! My gosh, I just don't even know how to describe the way my little heart goes pitter-patter every time I get an encouraging message from ya'll, or I hear that someone else is fasting with me. It keeps me accountable. It helps me say "no" when food tempts me.

So far today: 1 liter of water, 1 coffee, and one coke zero. Planning on having some great sugar-free apple cider tonight and catching up on some reading and crocheting. I lost the remaining 2 lbs of the "easy first five" this morning, so I feel I've earned a bit of down time. ;)

Aha!!! My stomach just grumbled again for the first time today! HAhahahahahahah!!! That always makes me laugh and celebrate. Stupid stomach - what the hell do you know?! It's already starting to flatten out again, just five pounds down. Imagine how good I'm going to look in another 31 days!!! Wheeeeeeeee!!!!

2007-10-02T15:33:00.000-04:00

Day 2 of 34. Afternoon.

Well, the first day, as predicted, was easy. And this morning it paid off - 3 pounds lost. I do expect the first five to come off very easy. After that, it'll go slower.

Today is an eating day, limit 100 calories. I measured out 3/4 cup of high-fiber cereal, which is actually 105 calories, so I put a spoonful back. It's the kind of cereal that has flakes, sticks, and little round white balls that taste like malt. I set it in a small bowl and I've been munching one or two pieces every fifteen minutes or so. High-fiber makes it a slow-burning carb, so hopefully I'm burning it faster than I'm actually eating it, but keeping the metabolism machine turned on. Plus I've had a liter of water and a can of coke zero, and I'll have another liter with electrolytes at the gym.

Tonight I'm planning to go for a ten-mile run. Figured I'd better do it while I have food-fuel in me. Yesterday I did nothing exciting at all, just to see if the metabolism is working again -- it is. I had one liter of water, a 20 oz coffee and a 20 oz cider (yay - holiday treats!). And I lost three pounds.

But the first day is always easy. The first day (again) tomorrow might be a little tougher, and Thursday will for sure be hard. The second day is always hardest for me, and after eating so little today, it will non-technically be day four. So, I'm trying to go ahead and steel myself for that now.

Somedays I feel like such a weakling because I can fast all morning long, no problem at all, but then suddenly five o'clock hits and I'm like - bam! Hungry! And then because I haven't eaten all day it's not like a small sensible meal will do. Oh no, it's like I NEED to stuff myself with an entire box of something. Thank God so many things come in single servings now, I can eat it "all" and stop before it's out of hand.

But I won't have to worry about those days until this fast is over. For the next 34 days, every single thing I eat is already mapped out, and I'm going to stick to it. I still haven't heard about the official date of my big photo shoot, but if I get any say in the matter, I'm going to do it on day 34, when I should be at my thinnest. Yay!

I'm so happy to have SO MANY people who are on my side this time, holding me accountable. I feel like you guys actually outnumber the nay-sayers for once! :-D

It makes me stronger, it makes me want to defy the world. It makes me feel like I'm going to wear my red bracelet no matter what - if Nicole Richie gets away with it, then so will I! If people ask questions, I'll dodge them with clever answers or just not answer them at all. And I'm not going to eat, no matter what -- there are plenty of excuses to not eat, and I'm gonna use them all and then make up some more! People can encourage me all they want, but they'll never be able to PHYSICALLY shove stuff in my mouth. I AM IN CONTROL.

I am going to look DAMN good at the photo shoot. I'm going to shock everyone at home with how thin I've gotten when I go back for the holidays. I'm going to go to all the parties and look drop-dead gorgeous, and seeing my reflection and hearing the compliments will make me not want to eat another thing ever. Damn the pressure. Damn the hunger. Overcoming my weaknesses can only make me stronger.

I am going to make it all the way through this 34 days!

2007-10-01T12:58:00.001-04:00

Wow! I'm really sort of overwhelmed at how popular the blog is -- I really had no idea how many people stop by to read it on a daily basis. Thanks for your comments and well wishes - You guys are awesome!

Welcome, to those of you who are joining me on this 34-day fast, facebook or not. I really hope you'll keep posting comments and sending me emails, as this helps to keep ME on track too. Accountability is my #1 defense.

I woke up this morning really excited about having a plan in place again. Flying (eating) by the seat of my pants just wasn't working anymore. I love structure in my life, and control. I have such an inner peace now that there's a long-term plan to look forward to.

At this moment I'm only 17 hours into the fast, and so far it's pretty darn easy, as expected. I've got a little bit of a headache, and my stomach just growled for the first time which made me laugh hysterically. I've had half a liter of water, and the cold weather is tempting me to go get a coffee, but I'm abstaining for now. But I'm expecting the first big temptation to happen tonight, after I haven't eaten for almost 24 hours, so maybe I'll wait to get coffee at the bookstore, where I can be out of temptation's path.

Someone asked me in a previous comment if I drink only water? The answer is unfortunately "no, I'm not that strong." On the facebook fast, everyone has an option if they want to water-fast (strictly water only on fasting days), juice-fast (100% juice, water, and nothing else on fasting days), or liquid-fast (coffee, tea, juice, milk, water, lemonade, soda -- any liquid DRINK, not including smoothies, shakes, or soups).

The last time I did this 34-day fast, I was juice-fasting. It was fun, because it's really hard to find a 100% juice out there that a) tastes good, b) is low enough calories that you can have a decent amount without going over your limit, c) isn't exorbitantly priced. I finally found one this summer that I liked: V8 Fusion's Light blends in the 12 oz bottles. I tried it because I found them cheap at a wholesale market. They tasted surprisingly good, and they had "a full day's serving of fruits and vegetables" at only 80 calories per bottle. So I enjoyed that while it lasted.

This time around I'm doing a liquid-fast. At least to start. (Which is to say: I know myself. I know I'll change my mind and "readjust the plan" sooner than I think.) I find that when I deprive myself too much I tend to give into binges too quickly. So if I feel here like I have loose reins, I'm much more likely to stay on track.

Looking back on my excel charts, I stuck to the last 34-day fast for about two weeks before everyone in the facebook group dropped out and I lost the will to drive. So I'm hoping this time around to go at least double that (4 weeks) and by that point I'll feel like, "If I've gone four weeks, I've only got one week to go!" and I'll finish the full 34-days.

Again.... thanks to all of you faithful readers. I'm really humbled. :)

2007-09-30T16:37:00.003-04:00

The next great 34-day fast begins tonight!!! Stay tuned for the plan in just a few hours...

.................................................

8:00 pm EST - The next great 34-day fast has begun! This very moment marks the start of day ONE of the great fast - day one of a one-day fast, meaning nothing but liquids from 8 pm tonight until 8 am Tuesday morning.

While I'll be administrating the group on facebook (if you're a facebook memeber and would like to join, msg me by searching for "Ana Regzig"), I'll be posting all my personal feelings and griefs and joys and successes and struggles and failures HERE. I tend to be pretty prolific, so I'd rather not clog up the group with anything that's not concise.

Wish me luck!

2007-09-24T11:47:00.001-04:00

These tips are reminders as much to myself as to anyone. Gearing up for the next great 34-day fast!

Distraction from hunger/eating:

#1 - ALWAYS have a bottle of water, tea, diet coke, SOMETHING to drink in your hand. You'll be amazed how often you take sips off it without even thinking, keeping you full and distracted.
Clean something that's filthy, like the toilet or the cat's litter box. Take the garbage out and then scrub the inside of the can before you replace the liner. The smell alone will gross you out so much you'll NEVER want to eat again.
Make a rule of keeping the kitchen absolutely SPOTLESS at all times! Absolutely no dirty dishes in the sink or dishwasher, or drying on the side. Keep the towels folded neatly, the spices all lined up and facing label-side out, alphabetize them or put them in height order. Scrub the floor again. If you make a rule of keeping it immaculate at all times, you won't be so tempted to fix something to eat thus creating more mess to clean.
Purge your stores. Take at least 10 items from your closet, 2 pairs of shoes, and 5 pieces of jewelry and donate them to a local Goodwill or Salvation Army. Then treat yourself to a new outfit - dress, shoes, jewelry, and a hat, belt, or handbag! You'll feel better for helping a good cause - and burn calories without eating at the same time.
Give yourself a manicure. Even if it's only been three days since your last one. If your nails are wet, they can't be digging inside a bag of chips!
Brush your teeth - again. You'll be less tempted to get your teeth and mouth dirty again with food.
Keep your lipstick touched up 24 hours a day. Moisturizer, liner, color, and gloss. Not only will you be constantly beautiful, but you won't be tempted to mess them up by putting food in your mouth. Sip water with a straw.
Purge your kitchen. Start by drinking two full 8-oz glasses of ice cold water, so you'll feel full and cold and won't be tempted to eat. Then get a bag or a box and clean out your cabinets and your fridge of anything that isn't high-fiber, high-protein or low-cal. Donate it to a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. On your way home, drink another liter of cold water and feel great about your good deeds!
Do spring cleaning in the fall! Start at the top of each room, clean the dust bunnies out of all the corners, off the ceiling fans, dust the tops of shelves, and work your way down until you're sweeping/mopping/vacuuming the floors. Burn calories, burn! Have a tall glass of ice-cold lemon water every hour as you go, to keep your stomach from growling.
DANCE! Why wait to get to the club? Dim the lights, or turn off the bulb-lights and light a slew of candles. Put on a disc of all your favorite dance tunes and pump up the volume! Even better - set up a full-length mirror and work on your dance moves. Which moves could look better if you were just five pounds thinner? Let these images be your own thinspiration.
Look at that journal of thinspo again. Then look in the mirror and remember how far you have to go. Skim through magazines or online articles and find at least 10 new pictures to add.
Set your alarm to go off every half-hour. Set your shoes by the front door. No matter what you're doing when the alarm goes off, drop it, put on your shoes, and walk around the block as fast as you can. When you get home, have an 8-oz glass of ice water and set the alarm for the next half-hour.
Get creative. Do you sew, knit, or crochet? Are you great at pottery or glass etching, origami, painting or sketching? Are you an excellent poetess? Get started NOW on creative, beautiful, and thoughtful gifts for Christmas. And picture how skinny you'll be by the time you give these gifts to your loved ones.
Feel like you're about to binge? Before you open the fridge, write a one-page journal entry about why you feel like eating, ask yourself if you're really hungry or just bored. Remind yourself of your goals and question if this binge is going to help you reach those goals. Don't like writing essays? Don't allow yourself to eat UNLESS you write that page!
Write out a precise schedule of everything you're going to do tomorrow to stay distracted. (ex: 10 am-walk the dog, 10:30-lift weights, 11-wash dishes by hand, 11:30-shower, Noon-redo hair and makeup, 12:30-manicure, etc...) Don't allow yourself anytime to rest or eat. Only cold water. Then STICK to it!

2007-09-23T22:07:00.000-04:00

It's been a busy couple of days, which is great because it's kept me distracted from hunger and kept me moving (ie. burning calories). I made it another 48 hours on nothing but liquids, but I had to see a friend from out of town tonight, and we went for sushi. I ordered two small rolls, and doggy-bagged half of it for home, then tossed it in a big garbage behind a restaurant before I got here. (Shame to waste, but "better wasted than waisted.")

There's been some interest on the facebook about possibly starting another group fast. This is perfect timing for me, since I just found out I have a major photo shoot in the first week of November. I want to lose as much weight as possible before then. (If you want to join us, log on to facebook.com and search "Ana Regzig", msg me and I'll add you as a friend.)

I also want to address a request I had from J:

Hi friend. I'm glad you like the blog, and I thank you for your loyalty. I certainly never did this to be "famous" or "popular." On the contrary, more often than not I feel like I'd rather disappear into thin air, which is probably what makes me do what I do with fasting and restricting. But blogging gives me a safe place to journal my thoughts and lock them out in cyberspace. Having a seperate private identity gives me freedom to be my true self away from the public persona I wear daily in the real-world. The blog is a permanent reminder of where I've been and what I'm feeling without having an actual physical notebook or files saved on my computer or something that can be found in my possession and get me in trouble.

If you've been reading for sometime, you know already that I'm in sort of a high-profile career, I'm in show business. I'm not uber-famous like Nicole Richie or anything, but it's enough that any blemish on my personal facade could be detrimental to my career. Some of my closest personal real-life friends know that I have struggled with an eating disorder in the past, but right now I am purporting to be "recovered," and every day I strive to appear "normal and healthy" in public knowing full well that I come home and write my REAL story here to you guys.

I did get brave once and put a few personal pictures on my facebook profile. That lasted all of about four days until the paranoia had my head so fucked up that I had to take them down or risk seriously being thrown into an asylum. It was chaos -- if anyone from the real-world ever figured out my secret, or anyone from my ana-world figured out who I really am... oh God, just the thought sets me shaking. I seriously don't think I could handle being "caught." I'd be destroyed.

Thus... I can't put up any personal pics, face or no face. Professionally and personally, it's just not a good idea. I know it seems hypocritical to post someone else's fat picture, but (my justification is) that was done in a moment of extreme anger and grief. If it bugs anyone too much, just tell me and I'll take it down. These posts are not un-edit-able.

Meantime, my third fast of the week begins right now, or rather began tonight at about 7 pm. I haven't been to the gym for two days and I feel like a fucking cow. Can't wait to get in another 10-mile run tomorrow -- this new regimen has got me excited.

As soon as I get an exact date for the big photo shoot, I'll post a countdown ticker. That'll be fun. For now, I know the third fast in one week is going to be the hardest one of all. But it's worth it to be thin again.

2007-09-22T10:45:00.001-04:00

Just a quick note before I dash out the door to a busy day... as of today, this blog has been viewed 2000 times. Not bad for only 90 posts!

2007-09-21T14:34:00.000-04:00

I'm so disgusted by some of the things I've read on my own blog from the past two months. How the hell could I even THINK of eating???

I've been fasting for two solid days now, going into my third today, and I feel flippin' fantastic! Coffee is great, but it works so much better to hype you up on an empty stomach! And fasting has this great way of clearing my mind, making me feel more alert, more aware of myself. It feels great to be EMPTY.

I am starting to get just a little bit jittery. I've had the fuel of broken friendships to spur me on the past couple of days. But today the anger is beginning to subside, leaving room for hunger. I love feeling empty, but my energy is beginning to wane.

I found these South Beach diet box lunches at the grocery store on sale. Less than 300 calories for some chicken, chips, and a jello dessert cup. If I can't stand it anymore, I might have one. But then that's it... fasting again for at least another 48 hours before I eat again.

2007-09-20T11:44:00.000-04:00

Just would like to show the world a picture of the FAT WHORE my ex is now dating.

Now, I may have let myself go lately, and I consider myself to be overweight, but I can safely say I am nowhere NEAR the size of this whale! She's got a flat face, crispy 80s hair, chipmunk cheeks, and thunderthighs that make that zip-zip sound when she walks. When she sits down wearing hiphuggers, she has to do that awful move (which she tries so desperately to hide) where she has to adjust the waistband of her pants from under her spare tire to over. Ugh!

2007-09-19T13:58:00.000-04:00

What a fucking fool I've been!

I worked. I gained weight. Work stopped coming. My "friends" have all lied to me. One of my own good friends got married and didn't even bother to fucking tell me!!! How the hell does that happen?? My ex is now blasting pictures of him and the fat whore he took up after cheating on me. Well, fuck them all. I'm going to be skinnier and more beautiful than ALL of them. We'll see who gets the last laugh.

August was a tough month for me. I worked non-fucking-stop. Work is great, it means the $$ rolls in. But it also means long days on the set, and acting "normal" around people. Which requires eating, at least to some small degree.

And people are ALWAYS critical. If they don't comment out loud that "You don't eat enough," then they sit back and stare as you stuff your face, and you know they're thinking, "She could stand to lose a few pounds."

Well after a month of that damn roller coaster, someone convinced me that "Being healthy is better than being skinny." And I fucking believed them. For the past three weeks, I've been eating "normally," and have managed not to gain any more weight than I did when I was working.

However, I HATE how much I weigh now!!! Sure, I'm not gaining, and people say I should be "grateful," but I'm not losing either, and I'm not a completely happy person unless that number on the scale goes DOWN every day!!!
-----

I last talked to my friend "N" in May. He's got a new girlfriend, and I think that's awesome. He's crazy about her like I've never seen him go crazy for anyone before, and I really am very happy for him. (No, we never dated, it's just one of those really cool no-frills guy/girl friendships.) So when he stopped hanging out and calling me so much, I was totally ok with giving him some space to get to know his new girl. I thought, "When the time is right, he'll introduce her to his inner circle of friends. I'll wait til then."

That was only 3 months ago.

Then last night I was tooling around facebook and found his "girlfriend's" photo albums. And I thought, "hmmmm.... that's a beautiful white dress, but it looks an awful lot like a wedding gown. I wonder who the guy is?" And as I scanned through the pictures, I found one with a beautifully inscripted date "August 28, 2007" and their first names together with one last name.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?

In a state of complete mental shock, I immediately called up my best friend, "M." The three of us used to be inseperable, so if he hadn't told me, I knew she was going to be shocked as hell. When I asked her, "Guess who got married and didn't tell us?" She says, "Oh, him? Yeah that was three weeks ago, you didn't know?"

What the fuck?!? No, I didn't know! And why the hell didn't YOU tell me when you found out???

No, I didn't yell at her. I'm too much in shock. I just got really silent, and she knew something was up. It's bad enough he didn't tell me, but I can understand. Maybe he got his girlfriend pregnant and they had to get married quick (southerners, ya know?). But to try to stifle the silence on the phone, "M" starts going on about, "Remember how he used to be SOOO in love with me? Can you imagine how mad I am that he didn't tell me?"

Um.... my best friend didn't tell me either, so YEAH, I think I have an idea how YOU might fucking feel. Nice of you to think about how I feel too.

I fucking hung up the phone.

I'm too enraged right now, but in another note later I'll have to tell you all about my ex, the fat whore with whom he cheated on me, and the new "happy couple" pictures they've put up. Ugh. I need to go vomit now.

2007-09-08T10:28:00.000-04:00

15 Foods To Help You Lose

WebMD Feature from "Good Housekeeping" Magazine; By Denise Foley

New research points to more than a dozen foods, from beans to beef, that can help you fight hunger, kick your candy addiction, boost your metabolism-and ultimately shed pounds. And some of these superfoods deliver health bonuses too.

1. Eggs. Skip the bagel this morning. Eggs, which are full of protein, will help you feel fuller longer-a lot longer. A multicenter study of 30 overweight or obese women found that those who ate two scrambled eggs (with two slices of toast and a reduced-calorie fruit spread) consumed less for the next 36 hours than women who had a bagel breakfast of equal calories. Other research has shown that protein may also prevent spikes in blood sugar, which can lead to food cravings.

2. Beans. You've probably never heard of cholecystokinin, but it's one of your best weight-loss pals. This digestive hormone is a natural appetite suppressant. So how do you get more cholecystokinin? One way, report researchers at the University of California at Davis, is by eating beans: A study of eight men found that their levels of the hormone (which may work by keeping food in your stomach longer) were twice as high after a meal containing beans than after a low-fiber meal containing rice and dry milk. There's also some evidence that beans keep blood sugar on an even keel, so you can stave off hunger longer. Heart-health bonus: High-fiber beans can lower your cholesterol.

3. Salad. Do you tend to stuff yourself at meals? Control that calorie intake by starting with a large salad (but hold the creamy dressing). In a study of 42 women at Penn State University, those who ate a big, low-cal salad consumed 12 percent less pasta afterward-even though they were offered as much as they wanted. The secret, say researchers, is the sheer volume of a salad, which makes you feel too full to pig out. Health bonus: A study published in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association found that people who ate one salad a day with dressing had higher levels of vitamins C and E, folic acid, lycopene, and carotenoids-all disease fighters-than those who didn't add salad to their daily menu.

4. Green tea. The slimming ingredient isn't caffeine. Antioxidants called catechins are what help speed metabolism and fat burning. In a recent Japanese study, 35 men who drank a bottle of oolong tea mixed with green tea catechins lost weight, boosted their metabolism, and had a significant drop in their body mass index. Health bonus: The participants also lowered their (bad) LDL cholesterol.

5. Pears. They're now recognized as having more fiber, thanks to a corrected calculation by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. At six grams (formerly four grams) per medium-size pear, they're great at filling you up. Apples come in second, with about three grams per medium-size fruit. Both contain pectin fiber, which decreases blood-sugar levels, helping you avoid between-meal snacking. This may explain why, in a Brazilian study that lasted 12 weeks, overweight women who ate three small pears or apples a day lost more weight than women on the same diet who ate three oat cookies daily instead of the fruit.

6. Soup. A cup of chicken soup is as appetite blunting as a piece of chicken: That was the finding of a Purdue University study with 18 women and 13 men. Why? Researchers speculate that even the simplest soup satisfies hunger because your brain perceives it as filling.

7. Lean beef. It's what's for dinner-or should be, if you're trying to shed pounds. The amino acid leucine, which is abundant in proteins like meat and fish as well as in dairy products, can help you pare down while maintaining calorie-burning muscle. That's what it did for 24 overweight middle-aged women in a study at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Eating anywhere from nine to 10 ounces of beef a day on a roughly 1,700-calorie diet helped the women lose more weight, more fat, and less muscle mass than a control group consuming the same number of calories, but less protein. The beef eaters also had fewer hunger pangs.

8. Olive oil. Fight off middle-age pounds with extra virgin olive oil. A monounsaturated fat, it'll help you burn calories. In an Australian study, 12 postmenopausal women (ages 57 to 73) were given a breakfast cereal dressed either with a mixture of cream and skim milk or half an ounce of olive oil and skim milk. The women who ate the oil-laced muesli boosted their metabolism. Don't want to add olive oil to your oatmeal? That's OK-it works just as well in salad dressings, as a bread dip, or for sautéing.

9. Grapefruit. It's back! A 2006 study of 91 obese people conducted at the Nutrition and Metabolic Research Center at Scripps Clinic found that eating half a grapefruit before each meal or drinking a serving of the juice three times a day helped people drop more than three pounds over 12 weeks. The fruit's phytochemicals reduce insulin levels, a process that may force your body to convert calories into energy rather than flab.

10. Cinnamon. Sprinkle it on microwave oatmeal or whole-grain toast to help cure those mid-afternoon sugar slumps. Research from the U.S.
Department of Agriculture found that a little cinnamon can help control post-meal insulin spikes, which make you feel hungry. Health bonus: One USDA study showed that just a quarter teaspoon of cinnamon a day lowered the blood sugar, cholesterol, and triglyceride levels in people with type 2 diabetes.

11. Vinegar. It's a great filler-upper. In a Swedish study, researchers found that people who ate bread dipped in vinegar felt fuller than those who had their slices plain. The probable reason: Acetic acid in the vinegar may slow the passage of food from the stomach into the small intestine, so your tummy stays full longer. Vinegar can also short-circuit the swift blood-sugar rise that occurs after you eat refined carbs such as white bread, cookies, and crackers.

12. Tofu. It seems too light to be filling, but a study at Louisiana State University showed that tofu does the job. Researchers tested it against chicken as a pre-meal appetizer for 42 overweight women-and the participants who had tofu ate less food during the meal. The secret: Tofu is an appetite-quashing protein.

13. Nuts. Yes, they are fattening: A handful of peanuts is about 165 calories. But research shows that people who snack on nuts tend to be slimmer than those who don't. A study from Purdue University found that when a group of 15 normal-weight people added about 500 calories worth of peanuts to their regular diet, they consumed less at subsequent meals. The participants also revved up their resting metabolism by 11 percent, which means they burned more calories even when relaxing. Health bonus: Walnuts contain omega-3 fatty acids. And researchers at Loma Linda University recently found that eating 10 to 20 whole pecans daily can reduce heart disease risks.

14. High-fiber cereal. Studies show that you can curb your appetite by eating a bowl for breakfast. But how well does it really work? Researchers at the VA Medical Center and the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis tested the theory against the ultimate diet challenge: the buffet table. They gave 14 volunteers one of five cereals before sending them out to the smorgasbord. Those who'd had the highest-fiber cereal ate less than those who didn't have as much fiber in the morning. Try General Mills Fiber One (14 grams per serving) or Kellogg's All Bran With Extra Fiber (13 grams per serving).

15. Hot red pepper. Eating a bowl of spicy chili regularly can help you lose weight. In a Japanese study, 13 women who ate breakfast foods with red pepper (think southwestern omelet) ate less than they normally did at lunch. The magic ingredient may be capsaicin, which helps suppress appetite.

DISCLAIMER: I had to put in a "healthy" article in the hopes that Facebook will not kick me off their system. Grrrr.

2007-08-31T09:40:00.000-04:00

ANA IS BACK.

And not a moment too soon. After an overwhelming 10 straight days on set, and all the "normal" eating I had to do, with no opportunity to hit the gym, I have ballooned up to an enormous 140 lb. cow. I cannot explain how much I loathe myself. My fat, hideous, enormous self. It's intense.

Without telling my agent, I'm leaving town on a much-needed vacation. I need to get away so that I can regroup and get my wits together. I tried to eat healthy whenever possible, but my poor metabolism is so shot to hell that any calories at all went straight to my hips and butt and stayed there.

Yesterday I began restricting again. Hard. The hunger is FIERCE. I can't believe I ate for ten straight days. I hate wearing my clothes, they feel all tight and I can't stand my fat self.

This morning I'm going to hit the gym for some intense cardio, then come home, pack and close up shop. I'm not telling anyone where I'm running away to, but rest assured there'll be tons of opportunities for huge calorie-burning activities, and lots and lots of yummy air and water. No craft services tables, no interns bringing snacks and drinks every fucking time we take 5. Ugh.

I don't know how anyone can call this career path "glamorous." It's fucking TORTURE. Every single fucking day the public pressures you to be thinner, and the production assistants try to serve you with food. WTF? Acting is not THAT fucking exhausting that I need a coke or food every time I step off set!

And bless the craft services lady's heart. Her whole world revolves around which items you choose to eat or not. She's like a grandma, watching your choices like a hawk. She's crushed if you don't help yourself to seconds of her homemade vanilla granola cookies like the grips do. She can't understand why you only ate half the fish at lunch. She pouts because she thinks you didn't like the way she prepared it. Ugh. Now THAT'S exhausting.

But then you're back in front of the camera, and when you see the playback you notice the jiggle under your arms or the extra crease when you pull your chin back too far. :::SCREAM!!!!::: And you wish to God you hadn't had that extra cracker with cheese which is now forever stuck on film, and which will soon be blown up on a forty foot tall screen where the whole world will be able to see your arm jiggle in excruciatingly gruesome High Definition.

Ana... come back to me. Forgive me Ana, for I have eaten. As I repent of my wicked ways, please take me back into your clutches and give me strength to starve back into a withered waif. Lead me not into temptation (the kitchen), but deliver me to the gym, and make me want to stay there until it's all gone. Thank you Ana, for you have not left my mind. Now seize my fat and make it go away until I shrivel back into nothingness. For it is only the skinny girls who get the jobs, even if it is the jobs that make us not skinny.

2007-08-24T12:35:00.000-04:00

I am not what I ought to be.
I am not what I want to be.
I am not what I hope to be.
But still,
I am not what I used to be.
And by the grace of God,
I am what I am.
--John Newton

2007-08-20T10:42:00.000-04:00

"Think animalistically. If you want to be long and lean like a gazelle, you've got to work and eat like a gazelle: graze vegetarian all day and keep constantly moving, with an occasional sprint for fun. If you want to be thick and tough like a bear, then eat and work like a bear: gorge on meat and feast on sweets for a season, then sleep all winter."

BALANCE

Well the fasting worked for a bit. About a month. I lost 20 pounds.

But a month after that, I'm still stuck at the same damn weight, and each time I fast, it seems I only get down to the same weight, having spent the entire fast working off the last "reward binge."

And I'm having a harder and harder time sticking to a planned fast every time. This is due in part to waning willpower, but also not helping is the fact that I'm working so much. Now, I can't complain; work is $$. Work is neccessary. But in order to NOT get caught at my eating disorder, work requires me to at least appear to eat "normally" more and more often.

And the marathon cardio workouts were fun (especially when the scale reflected my hard work the next day) but they've gotten boring, and tough to match daily with my heavy work schedule.

I have also theorized that I may be stuck at this plateaued weight because I haven't weighed this little in almost ten years. Therefore, the 20 lbs I've just lost was not as concretely cemented to my hips as the next 20 is going to be. And let's not forget that that's a total of FORTY pounds from my highest weight ever. Not too shabby.

So for the next 20 lbs to go (and the ultimate 7 more after that), I've decided that a little more BALANCE is going to be required in my life. If I'm going to have to eat, I want to at least do it healthy and not look like I'm crazy (which is indeed driving me crazy).

This doesn't mean I can't fast for one or two days once in a while if I feel like I need it, or if I need to make up for overeating one day. But the extreme yo-yo'ing has to stop; it's not doing me any good. And I know it's OBLITERATING my metabolism.

And I've got to make time to concentrate on more serious weight training/core training during my gym runs. Muscle might weigh more, but it eats up more calories than pounds of fat, so in order to expose my ladder, I'm going to have to expose a six-pack too. And the added muscle will help me from gaining weight back too quick when I have to go back out on another ship.

Lately my workouts have been more fun, better to look forward to. I get the hard stuff out of the way first, I run for about a half-hour. Then (every other day) I head upstairs to do circuit training (arms/legs/abs) for about 40 minutes. I do whatever it takes to get in three sets. Then I head back to cardio for a 45-minute ride on the elliptical, followed up by a 15-minute cooldown walk on "hills" for an added butt-blast.

This seems more like the kind of workout I could commit to doing seven days a week, instead of doing a four-hour cardio marathon one day (with zero calorie intake) and then being so beat the next day that I can hardly move.

I'm no longer counting "calories burned" at the gym. I think those machine's estimates are WAY over anyway. It's time consuming and usually doesn't equate exactly to what shows up on the scale next day, which frustrates the HELL out of me. (Kind of a math nut.)

But I am still counting distance, as I think the machines are a little more accurate at this, and that keeps me focused on a long-term goal. My little goal is to go more than I did last year, 500 miles, which requires me to go 16 miles per week. My big goal is go double that, which is 33 miles per week, to get to 1000 miles for the year.

As for intake... I'm going to try to keep it varied. "Variety is the spice of life." Varied in number of calories, and varied in the ways I take them in. If I work too hard to deny myself the things my body craves, I only end up bingeing, and that's regrettable. God made our bodies to be able to tell us when we're lacking something we need nutritionally. Not many things should be off limits. Although there are now a few things I am quite adverse to (powdered donuts, pretzels, Quiznos, Pizza Hut) having over-binged on them and feeling the extreme pain they've caused to my body while never really achieving the satisfaction I was aiming for.

The new concentration is going to be focusing on foods of which I can eat a LOT (to feel like I'm indulging) that don't cost me a lot in calories. Things like:

a whole bag of salad with 5 tbsp of organic raspberry vinaigrette (80 calories)
Soup-at-Hand single servings of Italian Style Wedding, Chicken and Stars, Vegetable Beef (90, 70, and 60 calories)
my favorite oatmeal and cinnamon with fat-free milk (200 calories, 6g fiber)
1 cup of Kashi Vive cereal (170 calories, 12g fiber)
12 oz V8 Fusion Light juices (my new addiction) (80 calories, a full serving of fruits/veggies!)
2 at a time sugar-free popsicles (30 calories)
single cups of frozen fruit, such a great treat (sub-100 calories)
and of course.... my Venti Starbucks (160 calories)

If I were to have one of EVERYTHING I just listed, I still wouldn't go over 1000 calories a day. "Restricting" consistently (combined with consistent exercise) regulates your metabolism more efficiently than fasting/bingeing. This - I think - is the key to achieving BALANCE.

If I can try to schedule enough of this in a breakfast/lunch/dinner pattern, I will feel a little more BALANCED and in control. And when you think of it, I went ana to get "in control" of my weight anyway. I know the weight loss will be slower from now on, but hopefully it will at least be steady. I feel like I NEED to be down to 110 by Christmas. If I can achieve that, and hold it over the holidays, then I can continue losing the last 17 at the start of the new year or as soon as I get off my next ship, whichever comes first.

2007-08-20T00:03:00.001-04:00

There's a kind of a sort of... cost
There's a couple of things get... lost
There are bridges you crossed
You didn't know you'd crossed until you'd crossed...
--Wicked, the musical

2007-08-19T06:41:00.000-04:00

Down three pounds today. Two days left to go on this 4-day liquid fast.

I've become such a coffee snob; it's great. I like the fake-a-ccinos at one convenience store, but not the other, despite their having the same price (and considerably lower than Starbucks). I like to fill a 24 oz. cup with half-cappuccino, 1/4 hazelnut steamer, and 1/4 vanilla latte. mmmmmmmmmmm. Somehow, this also tends to lend a little more caffeine kick (or it could be that, as the fast goes on, there's less and less inside carbs to soak it up).

I'm also enjoying the effects of the tanning I've signed up for. I go for the minimum time, but I love that little extra "glow" it gives me. For health reasons, I'm not really supposed to lie in a tanning bed, but I don't really see the difference between this and lying out in the Caribbean sun. My whole family has died from cancer, and here I am trying to kill myself with an eating disorder. So what's the difference?

And I've got a new outlook at the gym. I can tell that I'm losing muscle mass from the on-and-off fasting and bingeing, so I'm trying to mix a considerable amount of weightlifting in with the cardio. I'm hoping to build back some calorie-burning-muscle, and also hope that the mix of cardio/w'lifting/cardio will cause an "intervals" effect of keeping my metabolism running for longer. And while I'm still tabulating cardio distance (my goal is to run/walk/ellipse 1000 miles in 2007), I've quit keeping up with calories-burned. Now it's more about paying attention to my body -- for what good is it to "press on and keep going" today if it's going to cause me to want to pig out when I get home because I'm so miserably depleted of calories?

The pounds are going to come off slower this time, I'm sure of it. Of course the fifteen pounds I put on on the ship would have come off easiest. But now I'm working on weight that I've been carrying for ten years. It's going to be considerably more difficult. So I'm attempting the "slow and steady" course.

:::sigh:::

P.S. Sometime last weekend, this blog surpassed 1000 views. Not bad for a blog that only has less than 100 entries. ;)

2007-08-17T00:29:00.001-04:00

DAMNIT! Only three days of "eating normal" on set, and I put on 10 fucking pounds!!! I hate this!!!!

Every time the director called "take five" there was an assistant on hand asking if I needed anything, something to drink or eat usually. In an attempt to appear normal, I tried to order when the other actors ordered or munched, etc, and of course I had to eat the catered lunches. I also had to eat at night when a few of us went out for "drinks" but technically it's "schmoozing." Ugh... I love the WORK in this business, but I hate all the behind-the-scenes BULLSHIT we have to go through...

Anyway, I didn't have the opportunity to tally calories (only guess), I didn't have any place to workout or go to a gym, and I definitely couldn't fast or even restrict. :( Being on set there's not much to do other than sit around and wait for your shot to be ready, and if you move around too much people get nervous. So you sit and behave and drink too much coffee and the only fun people are the tech guys who are ALWAYS swarming around the crafts table, munching away. Ugh.

Today I had my last meal when I had a final "lunch out" with one of the girls. There was this adorable little creperie that she insisted I must try. But I'm sorry... I've been to France, and I know crepes are only supposed to be about as long as your hand, maybe the girth of a paper-towel-tube. The "fresh fruit ice cream" crepe she ordered was bigger than most burritos you'd get at a mexican restaurant!!! And it was STUFFED with whip cream, ice cream, and the oh-so-occasional slice of a strawberry. Jesus God... what a way to go.

Paying the bill at that place was like dumping a weighted backpack off. It was me finally signing off of this project - completed and done - and getting back to ana. Praying to God that it's not too late.

When I got home, I immediately shucked off all my clothes and jumped on the scale. 138!!! Oh my GOD!!!! That's only EIGHT POUNDS shy of what I weighed when I left the ship! How the hell could I let this happen! Ok, clearly my metabolism is 100% fucked up, because I don't know any normal human being who can put on 13 pounds of weight in a mere 3 and a half days!!!! It's not HUMAN!

So I'm hoping that when I wake up in the morning after a good night's sleep and a morning pee I won't be any more than 135. But jeez!!! Then I have to spend all weekend trying to shed this 10 pounds I've put on. I will be on pure liquids for the next four days at least, I promise you that.

Granted, I have a minor audition tomorrow, but that will be easy enough to push through. I'll have church Sunday morning, but a little coffee and some friendly distraction should get me through that. (Please God, don't let the girls in my carpool invite me to lunch. If they do, I'll have to fake a stomachache.)

Other than that, I have from now until next Tuesday to do a liquid fast and try to get back down to my 125 level. I'm looking forward to a lot of water, a little juice, enough coffee, and GETTING BACK TO THE GYM!!! Ugh.

Tuesday I have another shoot (one day only, thank God), and Wed/Thur I have another major audition (probably going to need at least breakfast each day). ~~~Lord, help me to be strong, grant me your Grace to shed these 10 pretty fast, and maybe even to shed even at least one more before I have to go back to work on Tuesday.~~~

I feel like such a lardo right now. My pants actually fit around the hips, and my thighs have expanded back out - gross!! My arms still look ok, and I can still see the shadow of my ladder when I reach back. But my stomach is THE WORST. I have a little buddha-belly sticking out, and the rolls of fat are grossing me out.

Oh Lord! I cannot get back on a treadmill fast enough!!!

I have to go sign up for tanning sessions and try to get in at least a few hours at the gym tomorrow morning. Then I'm gonna come back here and scrub the shower while I'm in it, hopefully will burn a few extra calories (and get the horrific smell of cats, sweat and PISS out of that place - I swear, my roommates are worse than GUYS).

2007-08-13T01:26:00.001-04:00

It's 1:30 am. My alarm is set for 5:45 am.

I had two fruit smoothies, and two venti Starbucks today. This has been my FOURTH day with no food.

I am afraid I may not sleep AT ALL tonight.

I know I absolutely SHOULD sleep. I walked about eight miles just shopping today. It was a HUGE mall (so big that it had TWO Starbucks - yay!). And I'm only getting up at 5:45 so I can pack, get ready and get to my audition on time. I need to be alert and in good shape for my audition.

But my poor little brain is still racing, and I'm still packing. I can't even hold still long enough to concentrate on one task for very long. Before I can finish the task, my mind starts remembering something else that needs to be done before I can go to bed, and I get distracted...

I just glanced over at the bed, which is piled up with stuff in various stages of packing. I need to quit blogging and get over there...

Ok... just so you know, I'm going to be on location for the next few days, and if I get a half-second to get on the internet at all, it will be on the company's network, and that means NO visiting the ana facebook or this ana blog, or anything to do with ana. It could get me fired.

So don't fret if you don't hear from me for a little while. The shoot is only supposed to be through Wednesday, but there's a lot of scenes, and this director is good, but sometimes time slips away, so it has the possibility of extending into Thursday.

But please keep praying that I can keep up my energy. I really wanted to continue this all-liquid fast for as long as possible, and if I pull close to an all-nighter, tomorrow I'm going to DEPEND on vast amounts of coffee with no food, at least until the audition is over. My friend and I are scheduled to have a sushi lunch or dinner sometime after that (so my protruding belly won't show in my beautiful audition dress), and I'm going to take a few sub-100 snacks with me in my bag in case I get restless or tempted.

But if I can stick to liquids only for the next two or three days, in the face of having to work, I'm going to definitely come out of this THINNER, LIGHTER and so friggin' ecstatic that I'll be bouncing off the walls from more than just caffeine. ;)

2007-08-12T08:40:00.000-04:00

125!!! I can hardly believe it! Praise the Lord!! (Although He's probably REALLY pissed at me right now for abandoning my walk with Him again to go with ana...)

125! I'm back down to the weight I was going into my LAST big audition, just in time for my next big audition tomorrow. And I still have all day today to continue the liquid fast!

This is DEFINITELY the kind of fast I could get used to. What a shame!! I have to work for the next few days and will have to eat at least a little. But perhaps if I keep over-caffeinating, I will be less tempted to binge and more tempted to restrict. I know I'm going to get a LOT of walking in today, plus shopping is supposed to raise your heartrate too...

Well, one thing's for sure... it's not hard to over-caffeinate in Manhattan! There are over 170 Starbucks locations on this little island! There's TWO locations on some corners!!! (Unfortunately, there are nearly as many Dunkin' Donuts...)

HOORAY FOR CAFFEINE!!! HOORAY FOR STARBUCKS!!! Please, Ana, please... could I finally break this 125 barrier?!? Can I finally bust through the plateau and at least be 124 by tomorrow when I have to start eating again???

2007-08-11T22:23:00.000-04:00

vvvvvvvvvvv*** CAFFEINATED RAMBLING THOUGHTS ***vvvvvvvvvvv

Day 3 of the liquid fast went very well. Could not WAIT to try those V8 Fusion fruit/veg juices this morning and they were a GREAT breakfast! Kept me from having the 1 cup of grapes I was considering last night - yay! (Note to self: must go back to the store and stock up on these little delights while they're on sale...)

I can tell my body has gotten rid of all the nutrients and carbs and stuff from food, because suddenly just a little bit of coffee goes a long way. I am super-buzzed right now! I can't even keep my thoughts straight!

It feels great though... I can't believe I've only had ONE banana (as far as solid food) in the last three days. I'm not at all hungry or sluggish, but I know I'm starving, which makes me feel BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Well... maybe it's also that I haven't had just a "LITTLE BIT" of coffee... :) Today I've had a 24 oz cappuccino, a 12 oz coke zero, and a Venti Starbucks, all within about seven hours. Wooot!

All liquid, but still almost 700 calories! Ack! How much of that goes straight through, and how much sticks to your hips and needs to be burned?? We'll see how it stacks up on the scale tomorrow.

Down another pound this morning - hooray! Still not back to 125, but getting close. Tomorrow is the last day of the official "Liquid Fast."

After that, my schedule is cram-packed for the next five days, so I'm going to have to eat. I'll just have to be careful not to overload or binge, and undo all the hard work of the last four days. "Frugality and Restriction" will be my saving graces.

Tomorrow, a loooooooonnng day of shopping to keep me moving and distracted. I love the cool look of walking around a mega-mall with a Venti Starbucks cup in hand, so who knows how many of those I'll have tomorrow! I know there are at least 2 Starbucks kiosks inside the mall I'm going to. And I've pretty much decided to get another one of those yummy 24 oz cappuccino's on the ride out there. (Note to self: MUST remember to take at least 2 liters of water with me to temper all the caffeine!)

As it is already 10:30 at night and I need to go to bed before 1 am, I'm going to watch another movie and take a melatonin to try to dry up the caffeine so I can sleep properly tonight.

Lord knows, I am NOT taking care of my body this way! Living moment to moment, living on liquids only, carelessly ingesting as much caffeine as I want, not getting proper sleep or proper nutrition in any way... it's that "suicide-rush" that I've been trying to achieve with my donut-binges lately, only in a lower-calorie manner. I love it!!!!!!!

I only wish I didn't have to work for the next week or so... I still can't believe this is DAY THREE with NO FOOD and I don't even feel a little bit hungry! It makes me VERY curious to see how long I could go like this. Right now I feel like I could go for a full week, maybe even longer.

Imagine! One whole week with absolutely NO solid food!!! I've never accomplished that... boy, would I love to give it a try...

2007-08-11T00:06:00.001-04:00

Day 2 of the liquid fast. Another good day.

Though I did give in to a banana for breakfast (still stuck on the whole "jump start your metabolism" thing), I only had one 24 oz. coffee after that, as far as calorie-intake for the day. Other than that, I had 1 liter of flavored water and two 20-oz. coke zeros.

I'm feeling good. I'm finally recalling that empty, hungry feeling, and how good it feels. I was down 3 lbs this morning... let's see if I'll have lost any more tomorrow.

I did have to fight off some longings for sugary donuts this morning, especially when I passed that $2.50 bag of crullers (2640 calories that I once finished in under 10 minutes) on my way to get the coffee. But the hungrier I got, the more determined I felt, and I found ways to distract myself.

I watched a movie, and a re-run of last night's BB8. The show had thinspirational Daniele, and the movie had thinsiprational Cate Blanchett.

The mail came and I needed to make a run to the bank. So I planned to stop by and exchange my movie at the same time. While I was there, I stopped in to the nearby 99-cent store to seek out and research cheap binges for my next crash. I can do mac-n-cheese with chicken for $1.60. Or a bag of Oreos for $2.00. Luckily, I had next to NO money in my wallet, and that kept me from purchasing anything.

Then I headed over to the other food cheap store, just to have some walking around to do. While there, I found 2/$1.00 V8 Fusion juice bottles at 80-cals apiece. I figured they'll be great tomorrow for a little variety on the juice fast.

Wanted to check out the trade paper, so I headed over to Borders where I can secretly read and copy without having to buy. Ended up spending the rest of the night there. Got totally absorbed in a book called "Finding God in Harry Potter" which details loads of Christian symbolism found in the popular series.

Now I'm home, it's midnight, and I'm overloaded on caffeine and feeling jittery. That's ok, I still have a ton of busy-work to attend to before I finally hit the hay tonight. Hope all the fidgeting is making up for a lack of enthusiasm for a gym-visit. We'll see what the scale says tomorrow and how it affects my gym-desire. And tomorrow night is church, probably with communion (since we missed it last week due to a guest speaker).

I am considering having a cup of grapes as my "jump start" breakfast tomorrow, but again... we'll see what the scale says and how it affects my will.
..............................................................

The book I was reading tonight had a very interesting description of the symbolism of a centaur, which reminded me very much of my own dual-natured struggle between being a Christian and doing the right, healthy thing, or being ana.

The centaur is first and foremost a symbol of man. It has the head and chest of a man and the body of a horse. The head and chest of a man are man's will, thought, and spirit; the horsey bottom is his desires or passions. The centaur is a comic picture of a man's dual nature as angel and beast. When man is right side up, his angelic part tells the horse's desires what to do, as a rider directs a horse; when the beast is in control, however, the belly of the horse drags the chest and head where it wants like a runaway pony.

I can honestly say that in the last two days, (with my apologies to my Christian heart being left behind) my ana horse is back up to a stealthy canter.

2007-08-09T19:16:00.000-04:00

Today has been a good day.

Last night there was a party for a friend who is back in town to visit, and I saw a lot of my old good friends, and that made me very happy. I ate. I realized that my life is pretty good right now. I don't hate myself, I'm not depressed. And that's largely to blame for why I cannot bring myself to suppress my own appetite. It's a whole lot easier to not want to eat when I'm depressed and hate myself.

Well, I don't know how to make myself depressed, nor do I really want to. I like my life the way it is (except for my fat weight). My career's going well, I like my social life the way it is, I'm happy with where I am. All except for this damn weight which must decrease.

Today I decided to start fasting anew. Despite eating LOADS of munchies last night, I was quite the social butterfly. I haven't had time to go to the gym in about a week, but that also means I've been quite busy. Anyway, for whatever reason, I'm 131 lbs this morning. I'm not thrilled... it's been lower lately. But thank God, it's still the lowest weight I got to last year when I was "sick", and it's still 15 lbs less than when I left the ship.

So for that, today's been pretty easy to stick to liquids only. I'm not limiting the amount of coffee or juice I can have, and I'm not counting calories. But looking back at my food journal, it's been FAR TOO LONG since I had a single day with NO SOLID FOOD. (I foolishly believed that whole "never skip breakfast" myth. Total bullshit.) This has to be remedied.

So I'm going to have nothing but liquids for the next four days. As long as I'm not working, I'm not eating. And I don't have another audition or shoot scheduled until next Monday.

Also, I MUST get back to the gym. This will be a little easier now that my schedule is slowing down a bit.

Another thing that made me happy today was that I finally was OFFICIALLY inducted as a member of my home church. This has me OVER THE MOON!!! It's been a very long time since I put roots down ANYWHERE, so this is a HUGE step for me in my life. To actually DESIRE to be committed somewhere is.... a really big deal, to say the least.

And when I came home, my roommate -- God help me, but I just found out SHE'S PREGNANT -- had cooked up a huge pot of pasta. White, unrefined, simple carbs. The smell is INTENSE in this house! Suddenly my mind was racing with ways to justify eating just a little bowl of oatmeal, since I do have a small gig later tonight. Thankfully, I got on the facebook first, and seeing someone's suggestion of COFFEE there inpsired me to drown my food craving in a 20 oz cappuccino. Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!

So far today, I've had 3 cups of apple juice, and 2 cups of coffee, plus a liter of water. That's it. I feel pretty good about that. I'll probably have another liter of water during my gig tonight, and that will be the end of a good day one.

Once I head back to the gym, I imagine fasting will be a little bit tougher. But from where I was a few days ago -- wavering on whether to be ana again or not -- I feel a lot stronger. I feel committed to this fasting, or at least to this particular 4-day fast. After this, we'll see where my weight is compared to where my head is.

For today... I'm back. Full on, stronger than ever. And I have tied my bracelet back on to stay.

2007-08-06T16:29:00.000-04:00

This is SO FUCKING HARD!!!

I feel like there are two different personas inside my brain who can never be at peace with one another. One says, "You can never be thin enough! You cannot be optimally successful in this career unless you lose some more weight! There is no other way to get thin but to starve and live Ana!" The other one says, "God loves you and is going to take care of your life no matter what. All you have to do is keep His temple, your body, in good condition. Weight is only a number. Health is what matters."

:::sigh:::

My biggest audition of the year was on Saturday. It's the same company I've been trying to get hired with for over five years now. And I have a funny feeling that this is my very last chance. If they don't hire me from this audition, I may lose all hope and never go back.

In the week or so leading up to the audition, I was convicted by God to quit facebooking, quit blogging, and to focus myself fully on serving Him and preparing for this audition. I experimented with restricting but not counting calories. I gave myself one eating day four days before the audition, and then cut back to less than 500-calories per day with NO sodium whatsoever until the day of the audition.

And after the audition, I made plans for a fucking FEAST.

The day of the audition, Saturday, I woke up weighing 125. I felt so proud of myself, feeling like God was smiling on me for having being obedient to Him and for attempting to do it healthfully instead of using Ana. The audition went well, as well as every other audition I've ever done for them. But whereas before I always walked out of those auditions feeling like I was on cloud nine and I was sure they would call to hire me tomorrow... this time I felt like, "Well, that's it. And now it's over."

It wasn't that I'd done poorly... on the contrary! I had been as completely and utterly prepared as I could be, and I'd done fairly well with the curveballs and twists with which they had tried to challenge me.

But now I have that completely helpless feeling: it is out of my hands.

The Christian side of my brain is saying, "It was always out of your hands -- it is all in God's hands! It always has been, and will continue to be!" Which is true... there were a few moments throughout the audition when I would start to panic, but then I would remember to call on the Holy Spirit, and He came and helped me succeed in those moments.

But the Ana side of my brain is saying, "Fine. Now that that's over, time to get back to business. And this time let's be SERIOUS about getting to that ultimate double-digit goal!!! Are you gonna sit here and be satisfied by being 125? No more excuses, fatty!!!"

Within the 24-hours following the audition, my celebratory feast included an entire medium pizza with 10 tbsp of fat-free ranch dressing, 3 coke zeros, a pound of candy-coated pretzels, 4 ounces of cinnamon honey almonds, 4 apple fritters, 4 glazed donuts, 2 Venti Starbucks, and only 1 liter of water. I cannot bring myself to even ATTEMPT to calculate the total calories.

* * * *I was 125 lbs on the morning of my audition. Forty-eight hours later, I am 134 lbs.* * * *

How is that even physically possible???

And now I am sitting here, trying to decide where to go from here.

I know for sure that 134 is not acceptable. Even 130 should be unacceptable. 125 should be at the very least MAINTAINED, so that further weight losses will be attainable.

I know that I love to restrict. And occasional fasting has provided me with a lot of mental clarity, but it's also very very hard to stick to, especially now that my weight is a little lower than when I started and had plenty to burn.

I know that God loves me, and that this past week I've been growing closer and closer to Him, like He wants. Without Ana to distract me. THIS is the real mission, the real reason why God sent me back to my old stomping grounds. He longs for a more intimate relationship with me, and I with Him.

But Ana leans in and whispers, "But while you're here and no one can see you, while no ones watching you and weighing you, while no one is forcing you to maintain a weight, wouldn't it be great to get scary rail-thin?? Oh, you'd be soooo beautiful! And you'd scare the living daylights out of everyone who hasn't seen you in a while!

[V is coming Wednesday. X is coming a week later. And I still haven't seen M's parents.]

"Because if this audition went well enough that you DO get hired, you'd better believe they are going to weigh you every week, for sure. You'll be trapped at whatever weight they hire you at. Wouldn't you rather be trapped at 110 than at 140?"

And.... God help me... she's right.

So here I am, back on the blog. I have checked my facebook, read notes from other anas, looked at thinspo. I can almost hear Jesus weeping over me, "No, please don't do this."

And the number drums in my head: 134. Unacceptable. 134. SO FAT. 134. Must get rid of it, must be lower. 134. Much too much.

If I try to reason with myself and see it in a positive light, I can argue that 134 is one-quarter of the way between ship-weight and UGW. The celebratory feast is officially over. There is no more going up from here. The damage is done, and now it's time to clean up again. Get back down to a safe 125, where the halfway mark of 122 is in clear sight!

The first 20 pounds came off SO FAST AND EASY. Back to restricting, back to marathon workouts. Seriously fasting. It dropped off like removing a heavy winter's coat.

The next 20 pounds is, unfortunately, going to go MUCH slower, I'm afraid. And the last eight pounds is going to be brutal. But I'll think of that later...

For now, just think of getting back to the safe 125. Get there by restricting, being careful, NOT cheating at ALL, and going back to 2 liters of water a day. Pick up all the little habits first.

Then when you get to 125, then plan how to get SUPER-SERIOUS, and get down to that halfway mark. Be encouraged !!!!

...

It makes me sad to address Jesus as if He is a sidenote. ~~Lord, don't leave me. Please. Forgive me in advance. Help me, Lord. I don't want to die, and I DON'T want to disobey You. I just want to be thinner. Forgive me. Forgive me... forgive me.~~

2007-07-31T14:12:00.000-04:00

126.

Strong, but still gone.
Return date anticipated, but as yet unknown.

All my love, XOXO ~~Ana~~

2007-07-25T08:46:00.000-04:00

To all the 'experts' who say, "Don't skip meals if you wanna lose weight,": FUCK YOU. I've been eating a healthy breakfast every day for a week. I've been watching my calories and keeping portion sizes small for three days.

And all three days, I'm STILL 126 lbs. What the hell??!!?? Fuck this shit. Fuck the experts. Today is a fasting day. Liquid only!

I'm just SO fucking depressed. Now, only 10 days to reach 120 lbs by August 3rd.

2007-07-24T23:04:00.000-04:00

Ok, so maybe four days of binging last week got my metabolism revving again. But sadly it has also caused me to be uncontrollable when it comes to eating. :::sigh:::

Yesterday, I took in 1015 calories.
Today, I took in 795 calories.
Following this pattern, tomorrow I will attempt to take in only 605 calories...
...and so forth until I get myself down to 122. Then I can have a ONE-DAY sushi treat, then back to the severe restricting (and even more juice fasting if things get dire) so that I can meet my goal of being 120 lbs by August 3rd.

The one good thing about consuming all these calories is that I'm keeping my metabolism running, and I've been getting some good HARD cardio workouts in at the gym. Tonight I hauled ass for a good 2 1/2 hours, and burned 1385 calories. Hooray! And that's even ON TOP OF the 30-45 minutes I spent cranking out some freeweights work on my arms while watching Babel in the freezing cold basement this morning, and fidgeting all through Wedding Crashers this afternoon.

Maybe HOPEFULLY I can be down to 125 tomorrow. I still think 124 is just too much to hope for at this point. :-/

Tomorrow's 605 calories will be: oatmeal for breakfast (a new Weight Control kind with SEVEN friggin grams of fiber! Geez - if that doesn't make things move...)(160 cals + 40 for the ff milk), a Venti Starbucks (160 cals) following a kick-ass morning workout... And as long as I'm 125 when I wake up and get a killer good workout at the gym, the afternoon will be filled with lots of pre-planned FRUIT: 1 cup of frozen berries (65 cals), 3 small plums (90 cals), and a banana (90 cals).

Hopefully that will be enough to keep me distracted all day. The plan is somewhat formulated around the fact that I've finally given in to "Sa"s pleas for help. She has a shift at (where else?) Starbucks until 4 pm. So I'm going to try DESPERATELY to drag my ass out of bed and into the gym by 10 am (giving myself 3 hours to pump out all the cardio I can), then come home, clean up, and meet her there (and consequently get my Starbucks reward) at the end of her shift. Then I'll follow her out to her house to get crackin' on the packin'.

That means an early bedtime tonight. I felt like I got a lot accomplished today. Let's hope it pays off on the scale in the morning.

2007-07-24T09:40:00.000-04:00

DAMN THE DONUTS!!! FUCK ME! DAMN THE FUCKING DONUTS!!!

Yesterday, I messed up AGAIN! Why the fuck am I SO WEAK?????

I was doing great. Had planned to have only oatmeal for breakfast and a banana for lunch. Would have been a sub-500 day. Went out to get my oil changed and do some food shopping. DAMN FOOD SHOPPING!!! Apple fritters were only 45 cents each, and my wallet said yes. My ana said, "You've done well today, and you still have time to go exercise it off. Go for it!"

Well, I don't know what the hell ana was thinking, or what the hell I was thinking. I had TWO apple fritters. I'm changing the old adage: "A moment on the lips... an HOUR AND A HALF ON THE FUCKING TREADMILL!!!"

Well, all-told yesterday I consumed 1015 calories, including breakfast, coffee, and the donuts. So when I got to the gym at 5:30, I knew I could get it all off and then some if I worked really hard at intervals for the next three hours. And I did. By the time I got to 1200 calories, I was satisfied that the donuts were safely "purged", so I finished up with a total of 1245 calories burned, plus 200 crunches.

Even on the drive home, something still didn't feel fair. I'm scared. I think - "For the sins of your weakness today, tomorrow ought to be another strictly ZERO calorie day!!!" But that thought makes me depressed, so then I made a promise to myself:
- If you're 126 in the morning, breakfast of oatmeal only.
- If you're 125 in the morning, breakfast of oatmeal and one fruit for lunch.
- If you're 124 in the morning... we'll think about doing this again.

And this morning, I was actually thinking I might be 124. What the fuck? Am I delusional???? I only BARELY burned off everything I'd eaten all day. What the fuck made me think I was going to lose MORE weight?

...

:::sigh:::

...

This morning, I was upset and a little shocked to be 126 again. Ok, ok.... so yesterday was more like 126.5 and today's a little more like 125.5... but it's still 126!!! Damnit!!!

I think I'm mostly upset by how much that means I have to restrict today. My worst fear is that I'm so mad at myself that I will rebel against the restriction and "try to kill myself" by going on another crazy 12-donut binge... that would really suck. My calorie-counts can NOT afford another crazy donut binge this week. I am COMPLETELY out of control.

So I've just had my oatmeal breakfast, and all my vitamins (now including the cinnamon pills too - hope that works to kill the cinnamon cravings!). I decided to jump start my heart by taking a brisk walk down to the corner store for some fake-a-ccino. I had to do SOMETHING to get the blood pumping, since my first priority this morning is to sit down and watch the two movies I have that are due back to the rental store by tomorrow.

Since the house is empty this morning, I'm going to take my dvd's downstairs to the cold cold basement to watch in just some shorty shorts and a thin tank top, plus my exercise ball and some freeweights. If I can keep moving while I'm watching the movies, and trying to stay warm in the basement, I can burn off this coffee I've just had and keep my metabolism motor running.

Then the plan for the rest of the day is to have LIQUIDS ONLY and to keep them as low-cal as possible. Probably just one fruit juice (140 cals), flavored waters, electrolyte-water, and coke zeros (all 0-cals). That will keep my intake down to 600 cals, and if I can burn another 1200 at the gym tonight, maybe HOPEFULLY I'll be down to 125 by tomorrow.

I feel bad that I've been avoiding my friend "Sa" just when she needs me most. She's leaving town one week from Wednesday, and she feels like I'm the only one who can help her pack. But I know that EVERY time I go out with her I end up eating something. I'm trying desperately to get down to at least 124 before I take her calls and go over to help her. It's such a helpless feeling... choosing between selfish desires and helping friends. This is what being anorexic does to you.

...............................................

P.S. I'm happy to report that of the FIVE vitamins/supplements that I know to be established metabolism helpers, I am taking four on a daily basis! These pills are SOOOO easy to get at any general drugstore, and they're even cheaper at Walmart. Add them to a diet of metab-boosting foods like grapefruit, whole grains, green tea, and protein (Fifteen Foods that Fire Up Your Metabolism) and you've got a real recipe for success! I highly suggest you try adding one or all of these to your daily regimen!

Cayenne Fruit (40,000 STU): nutritionally supports healthy metabolism. You know how they say that chile peppers and hot salsas add "heat" to your metabolism? It's true! Capsaicin, the active ingredient in Cayenne (Greek for "to bite" describing it's sharp, peppery taste), is responsible for cayenne's heat. The Chile Way to Burn Fat and Boost Metabolism

Omega-3 Fish Oil (1,000 mg): naturally contains the omega-3 fatty acids that help maintain heart and vascular health, and may reduce the risk of coronary heart disease by altering levels of a hormone called leptin in your body. Several recent studies suggest that leptin directly influences your metabolism, determining whether you burn calories or store them as fat.

Researchers at the University of Wisconsin found that mice with low leptin levels have faster metabolisms and are able to burn fat more quickly than animals with higher leptin levels. French researchers found that men who replaced 6 grams of fat in their diets with 6 grams of fish oil were able to boost their metabolisms and lose an average of 2 pounds in just 12 weeks.

Cinnamon (500 mg): helps support sugar metabolism! Recently released research from the USDA showed that cinnamon increased sugar metabolism by 20 times!!! (Take THAT you damned donuts!!!) How to Become a Fat-Burning Machine

Ginger Root (550 mg): promotes digestive health. Ginger is a vasodilator, an agent that widens blood vessels, causing heat to rise in the body and speeding metabolism by as much as 20%.

Garlic (the only one I don't yet take): One study in Germany found that volunteers who took garlic powder tablets metabolized fat 35% more effectively than those who took a placebo.

2007-07-23T09:10:00.000-04:00

+++12 days left to lose 6 more pounds.+++

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." -- James 4:10

Yesterday I consumed 0 calories!!! That's right! ZERO!!!! I had one flavored water, one liter water with electrolyte-infuser, and 2 cans of coke zero. I did two hours of intervals cardio, and a half-hour of weightlifting, including 200 crunches. Today I am down 3 pounds to 126. God is so good!

Plan for today:
- Run all the errands I missed yesterday.
- Already had my oatmeal breakfast; only a banana in the afternoon left on the menu, plus one Venti Starbucks, one serving of fruit juice, and otherwise, zero calorie drinks. Praise the Lord.
- Another good hard cardio workout tonight!
- Spend some time with the Lord in prayer today. I hope to be 125 by tomorrow morning, and a new low of 124 on Wednesday. If I can be at least by 124 or even 123 by Thursday, I'll maybe take my friend "Sa" out to eat sushi, as she is moving out of town in about a week and she wants my assistance to help her pack.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had a comment on the last post that I would like to address:

- No, being that you're a guy is not "creepy." I think it's unique!! :) God loves all His children equally, and as His daughter, striving to be more like Him every day, so do I. Welcome to the blog, I'm glad you like it, I hope you'll subscribe, and I hope to see your own someday. My own eating disorder depends on the thinspiration of others. ;)

- Yes, I too am sad about the box of Walmart donuts. :*( I was sad about the weight gain, but I was more sad about the utter loss of control. THAT'S DEPRESSING. Yes, praise the Lord that I didn't gain too much weight. And praise Him again that it only took me one day to get it back off and get back on track.

- Yes, I also have "cheat days." I find them absolutely NECESSARY to be able to have something to look forward to so you don't cheat every day. I used to have Monday's as my cheat days, but now I'm in a lifestyle where my schedule is extremely random, so I try to schedule my cheat days on days when I know I'll be able to handle it properly. Obviously (re: the walmart incident) sometimes my cheat days determine themselves.

- Purging: I can't do it. I sometimes wish I could. When I binge, I find myself trying to binge enough that my stomach hurts so bad that my body will reject the massive volume of food and I'll just natually throw it up. But there's just something in me that repulses me; I admire someone like you if you find it "fun." You probably lose a lot more calories that way. I've tried the two-finger gag, but it makes me more depressed than I would be to gain weight. Besides, it comes with too many telltale signs - I'm always deathly afraid of being caught at my eating disorder and being sent for "help."

Personally, after a binge, I tend to do marathon cardio workouts. Guess that makes me an "exercise bulimic." Whereas throwing up makes me feel green in the gills, working out is supposed to be a natural way of processing consumed calories, and a good hard sweat leaves me feeling more flushed out and helps me sleep better at night. Not trying to persuade you to switch necessarily - whatever floats your own boat. Just letting you know my story. ;)

2007-07-22T13:33:00.000-04:00

New thinspiration!!!!! The arrival of X!

I just found out that my very hot friend "X" from the last ship I was on has been cast in a production of West Side Story, and will be touring here in my hometown in August and September!

I am DYING for him to see me and I want him to have a shocked look on his face and say, "DAMN! You have lost some serious weight!!!"

I want to be dramatically thinner by the time he arrives, which is only a week and a half away! It's going to require a lot of hard work...

I've already lost seventeen pounds since he saw me last on the ship. Can I lose five or ten more by the time he gets here???

HOORAY FOR NEW THINSPIRATION!!!!!

2007-07-22T08:37:00.000-04:00

My life and my brain are completely out-of-whack. I can't keep my thoughts straight for more than an hour at a time. My mood swings violently every fifteen minutes or so. It's making me crazy.

But there's one thing I can see on the scale every morning: God is still with me. He doesn't want me to be this out-of-control. He is blessing me, encouraging me to come back to the straight and narrow path.

Fasting gave me mental clarity. These past four days, I have mercilessly filled my body with uncountable amounts of pure junk, in fits of sheer recklessness. By letting my impulses to eat get out of control, it's causing my mind and my thoughts to go out of control. It's time to bring it all to a HUGE STOP!!! Time to get back to God, back to fasting, back to clarity, back to reason, back to sensibility... and back down away from the perilous edge of 130.

For all the SHIT I've been putting in my system over the last four days, I truly ought to be 146 pounds again. On Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday, I binged on sushi, cake, a huge diner greasy burger and fries, more cake, ice cream, fruit smoothies, cinnamon almonds, and donuts, donuts, donuts. It seems I could not get enough cinnamon in my life - I crave it, unquenchably.

In four days, I have put well over 10,000 calories in my body. This is 1000 calories per day MORE than an average, NORMAL female of my size and height should do.

So this morning, I expected to wake up and be no less than 130 pounds. Yet miraculously, I am only 129. In four days, I have not even binged myself back into the digits starting with 13-. In four days, I have gained four pounds. GOD IS GOOD.

So the fast I am starting today is for MANY reasons:
-- To thank God for His mercy and blessings. I do not deserve such goodness.
-- To return to a state of mental clarity, where my thoughts are streamlined and flowing.
-- To stay out of that dangerous 130 range.
-- To regain control over my habits and reckless impulses.
-- To stabilize and flush out the toxins in my body.
-- Basically, to get BACK ON TRACK.

I am calling this fast a "return to clarity." I feel that if I can regain control over my mind and my body, and realign myself with God's Will, then I can finally return to consistenly LOSING weight, and bring my temple down to a weight of 110 pounds. After that, I will allow myself to bounce around between 110 and 120 for a little while before moving on to the ultimate goal of 98 pounds.

~~God, please help me to stick to this declaration. Help me dedicate control over my life and my body and my mind to YOU.~~

I will begin this fast with one day (today) of zero calories intake. I will also go to the gym and get a HUGE cardio blast for 1 - because I haven't been to the gym in almost five days, and for 2 - to get back into the swing of it.

For the next 2 to 4 days after, I will take breakfast in the morning of oatmeal with fat-free milk (200 calories), and one piece of fruit in the afternoon (less than 100 calories). Other than that, I will try to stick to only ONE coffee (160 to 275 calories), one fruit juice (110 to 220 calories), and else water, flavored water, tea, or coke zero (all zero calories). This is a total of less than 800 calories per day, only less than 300 in solid food.

I am convinced that the oatmeal for breakfast is one thing that it helping to stabilize my metabolism and my weight, something I had lost control of just before this week began. I was unable to get my heart rate up after having fasted for only a few days, and the weakness was killing me, maybe literally.

I will also continue my morning vitamin regimen. When I was consistently fasting, I had stopped the vitamins because if I take them on an empty stomach, my body almost always rejects them; I throw them up and that's not only wasteful, it feels terrible. But if I take them with my morning oatmeal, things should stay down and soak in.

I am going to buy some cinnamon supplements today when I go food shopping. I hope this will curb those insatiable cravings for not only the cinnamon donuts and cinnamon almonds, but maybe also the cinnamon coffee. I know that cinnamon is supposed to boost metabolism, but in these forms it defeats the purpose!

...............................................................

Plan for today:
- Zero calories
- Get car oil changed
- Food shopping: non-fat yogurt to make fruit smoothies, lots of bottled water, electrolyte-infusers, cinnamon pills.
- At home, run laundry and mix fruit smoothies
- Workout: burn 1500-2000 calories in a HUGE cardio burn, and at least 200 Nautilus crunches

Plan for next week:
- Oatmeal breakfast with vitamins, fruit snack in afternoon
- cardio workouts as often as possible; burn at least 1200 each day
- try to come back down to 125 lbs by Wednesday

If I can achieve 125 by Wednesday, I will have ONE day of SENSIBLE eating (maybe sushi and one little treat, we'll see what my cravings demand), then begin another 3- to 5-day fast to try to get down to 122.

My next MAJOR cheat CANNOT come until 120. I think it's going to be a full pizza with ranch dipping sauce. NOT UNTIL 120. Donuts were supposed to be my reward for 122. That picture has been smashed to bits.

This senseless binging has gone on for too long. Time to RETURN TO CLARITY.

2007-07-20T16:54:00.001-04:00

I'm having a really hard time, lately, just getting my thoughts organized.

I feel like every moment is out of order. I can't get my head together. Luckily, I'm not to the point where I'm missing appointments or losing track of time. But somewhere between the binge on Wednesday... was it Wednesday?

What day is today? Friday I think.

I am at a bookstore. Killing time before I am due at my gig tonight in the little joint right next door. I need to go change my clothes at about 6 pm so I can arrive at the gig on time. Of this much I am sure.

I just got a drink at a major chain restaurant and their website does not list the damn nutrition data!!!! Isn't this against the fucking law?!? How do I ALWAYS manage to find these restaurants!?!!!!????

Ok, I'm calming down.

Where was I??

I know I haven't slept well the past few nights. Just too much to do, too much to organize and get in place before I can go to bed before I have to start a new day. Gotta set out what outfits I'm going to wear. Gotta file all my receipts, balance my wallet, tally the day's calories. Did I spell "tally" right? Is it supposed to be with an "-ie" at the end?

I haven't been to workout in over 2 days. And that was just a quickie. Oh damnit. And I forgot to call my best friend on her BIRTHDAY that night. Way to go, dumbass.

I'm sipping an orange mango smoothie. Shouldn't have bought it; I've spent WAY too much money today. I cannot afford this! I hope it doesn't have too many calories. It tastes so damn good... it can't possibly be healthy.

I still haven't eaten my banana today either. It's sitting here beside me in my bag, slowly rotting. I bought it this morning at the gas station when I bought my 24 oz fake-a-ccino coffee. I'm just not hungry. Jesus, why should I be... I've eaten like a pig for the past two straight days.

I'm probably WAY over my 300 calorie limit today. I'm so pissed off because there's no way to know for sure!!! I don't know how many calories were in my morning coffee, or in the other large latte I had three hours ago, and I don't know how many are in this smoothie. DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But do the calories even really matter if it's all liquid? I did have my oatmeal breakfast this morning. And I had a (I KNOW THIS IS GROSS, but it always surprises me)... I had a natural bowel movement about an hour ago. Hell, if that's the oatmeal making things happen, I can be ok with eating oatmeal and a piece of fruit and all else liquids all day for the next WEEK at least!

But will that get me down to 122?

I did something very scary yesterday, and I'm still not sure what to make of it. Well.... let me start at the top of the day.

I knew I would be eating on Thursday, no matter what I weighed when I woke up (127), because I had a big audition that day.

Another random thought: lately I've been taking my vitamins at the top of the day, with breakfast (a weight control multi-vitamin, a calcium supplement, and an omega-3 fish oils supplement), as well as 1 cayenne pill before breakfast and 1 ginger after breakfast, and another before-and-after if I eat something else during the day.

So I woke up and ate my oatmeal. I had a venti Starbucks on the way into the city. I had a sushi lunch with a friend (3 rolls, miso soup, and a ginger salad). Then I went to my audition, feeling full but not necessarily fat.

The audition went well, and I started to head home. There were only four blocks between the studio and the train station. But I knew there were 3 Dunkin' Donuts and smoothie place along that route.

Something in my head wondered if I could get one cheap donut (cheap so I'm not going overboard on spending money I don't have) at each place, fully consuming it on the way so that each time I'd walk in I could look like it was the first place I'd gone to eat all day. So I wouldn't look like a ravenous pig. Which, I really was.

Thing is: I wasn't even hungry! It was just a challenge to myself. Before I got down to the street, I stopped in an empty corner of the stairwell and pulled a $10 bill out of my wallet, then buried the wallet deep in my bag. I would not spend more than this $10 on my binge. This would keep me from spending too much or eating too much.

First I stopped at the smoothie place. I got a 14 oz. papaya smoothie ($2.10) and chugged it crossing the street to the first DD. Tossed the empty cup into the bin on the corner and walked into the store.

They had free samples of the new pizza they offer there. Sausage. I had one. It was good, but not what I had come for. I bought a glazed coffee roll ($1.39... total: $5.49) and took it in a bag to go.

I stopped at the newsstand outside on the corner to get the newspaper I needed ($2.95... total: $6.44) and started tucking into the coffee roll. Two blocks away from the next DD, inside the train station.

Finished the coffee roll and disposed of the bag before crossing the next street. Inside the station, I had about six minutes before my train arrived. The line at DD was four people deep, and nothing inside the display case was really making my mouth water. Nothing with glazed cinnamon! Geez, a damn cinnamon twist would have been great.

But the bakery next door had no line, and probably fresher baked goods. Is it greek? I can't tell. A bun on the bottom shelf looks like maple with nuts. Close enough. How much? $2.65. I'll take one: to go. (Total... $9.09).

As I'm leaving, the ice cream shop has bananas on display and I can't resist. There is nothing but change in my pocket. How much for a banana? 68 cents. I give her 70 cents, take my banana and run to catch my train.

Once I found a two-seater in the corner, I stacked up my bags on the seat next to me and spread out my newspaper so no one would want to sit by me. And before the train even took off... before everyone was even boarded, I started jackhammering the maple-nut roll down my throat. I didn't even taste it. The train finally started to pull out of the station, and I finished the banana in about four bites. I set the peel into the bag, and crumpled them down as far as it would fold into itself.

It sat there on the seat beside me, smelling like the banana peel, for the rest of the ride home.

I had that weird sophisticated feel about me again. Like... I walk around knowing that people have seen me just SCARF down this abhorrently unhealthy meal/snack/whatever the hell you want to call it... and yet, I feel like a trim, fit woman. I don't feel like people who are looking at me know I have an eating disorder, and I've just fed it again. I feel like people are wishing that they had my apparently killer metabolism.

But I know a secret they don't. And that makes my little heart fly!

Driving the rest of the way home, I am scouring the exits for another DD. There's a Starbucks? Will that do? No... I've already had my limit of one Venti for the day, and I don't really want more coffee. I need a Krispy Kreme, or a gas station with cheap donuts...

There is a Walmart. Walmart's have bakeries. I pull over.

Getting closer... it's not a Super-Walmart. Therefore, probably no bakery. It's starting to rain.

-----And this is what scared me the most about the entire day:---
As I reached for my umbrella, I actually heard myself murmur out loud,

"Please, Lord, at least let them have SOMETHING with which I can kill myself.

...

...

...

But neither that, nor the rain, nor the fact that I only had 21 cents left of my self-imposed $10 limit, was enough to stop from going inside.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Inside there was a Subway, but no bakery. I barely even gave Subway a thought. Not cheap enough, and not enough calories for the satiety. I would get full before I got close enough to a possible heart attack from calorie-overload. I still wanted donuts.

I wonder... if I could have been someone else looking at myself right then, what would I have seen? Surely my eyes must have been maniacal, as I was on a MISSION, and anyone who would have gotten in my path would have been mown down without a further thought.

Yet, I still have that light, sophisticated feel. I know I look beautiful -- I still have all my audition hair and makeup on. It looks out-of-place GORGEOUS anywhere else but the audition (where I just fit in).

The bakery aisle was mecca. Entemann's. Tastycakes. Little Debbies. Hostess.

Saints... all of them.

I did a quick but thorough scan of every item on the aisle, mentally rating each for their price, quantity of calories, density of calories per gram (for satiety), and desire of taste. I finally settled on a box of Tastycakes powdered donut gems ($2.49).

To put up an act of looking like I was shopping for my family's breakfast for tomorrow, I went one more aisle over and picked up a half-gallon of fat-free milk ($1.77). I rang myself through the self-checkout and got in my car. I pulled two napkins from the glove compartment, and placed one on each leg, to avoid falling powder from leaving tell-tale tracks on my black pants. I took a swig straight from the half-gallon, capped it tight, and placed it on the console under my elbow.

I opened the box of donuts like a fucking jewelry box. I think angels sang when I took a look at 1800 calories of death glowing from inside. I turned out the walmart bag and placed the open box beside me over the emergency brake within easy one-handed reach, started the car, and got back on the road.

And the rain began to POUR.

At that moment, without my knowing it, God began to intervene. But I didn't notice. I was too busy popping donuts in my mouth systematically. Bite off the top half, chew enough to avoid it sticking to the sides of your esophogus. Bite off another quarter, chew and swallow, then pop in the last quarter. Chew, swallow, lick your fingers, wipe them on the napkin, and shift gears if necessary. Take a swig from the half-gallon. Repeat.

Entering the tollway. I can leave the buffet exposed, as I only have to take a toll ticket from a machine. No one can see my suicide plot. But there's only 30 miles from here to the man in the toll booth beyond. I must eat faster. I must consume EVERYTHING before I reach the toll booth!!!

About halfway through the box, traffic slowed to a fucking standstill. I'm not even kidding. We literally moved 2 miles in about one hour. I've been through some bad traffic in this area, but NEVER like this. And I can't see what's ahead that's keeping us.

I move the napkins from my lap to cover the conspicuous labels of the donut box and milk jug from the prying eyes of neighboring drivers. If anyone sees my suicide-in-progress, they might try to stop me. I can't let that happen.

But my stomach is beginning to ache unbearably... and I'm only halfway through the death feast! I'm actually thanking God for the relentless traffic. More time to let things settle so I can finish this all before the toll booth. The rain stops, and the clouds begin to dissipate. God is smiling now that I've stopped eating.

But my watch still shows 6:30. ~~Lord, let the traffic linger. I still have an hour and a half to finish.~~

.....

7:55 pm. And yes, I am STILL in traffic.

But because I'm not moving, things are not settling in my stomach. But things are stirring in my mind too. Over the past ninety minutes, I've had a lot of time to think about what's happening right now. There is no way I'm going to be able to finish that box before 8:00. And there is no way I'm going to make it home in time to get to the gym before it closes.

Oh God.... what have I done???

And remember what I said before... when you call on Him, He shows up.

New plots start running through my head:

-- Plot #1: Work on the rest of the feast slowly for the remainder of the night until it's all gone, even if you stay up til midnight doing it. I HATE wasting stuff. I have an extra bag that I can hide it in to get it upstairs if the roommates are home when I get there.

-- Plot #2: There is a homeless man who sits outside the cafe down the street just before I get home. At 8:00, commit to ending this feast. Drive by and give the remaining leftovers to him.

I convince myself that Plot #2 is from God. And traffic finally begins to move at a normal speed... further proof that Plot #2 is the way to go. My new mission begins...

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Shit. It's 6 pm. I can't type fast enough...

TO BE CONTINUED.....

2007-07-18T21:33:00.000-04:00

There is GOOD news and there is BAD news:

The good news is: I had a PHENOMENAL amount of energy today at the gym! Not only did I get my heart rate up (at fucking LAST), but I was able to go 10% harder than usual!!

The bad news is: I had no choice but to eat out with my friend today. A burger and fries was what was fueling me at the gym. And because I was out so long, and I have to be home early tonight to prepare for tomorrow's big audition, I only got to spend an hour and a half on cardio and fifteen minutes punching out 200 crunches on the Nautilus and Core weighted machines.

The good news is: I burned 840 calories in nearly 8 miles at the gym. The bad news is: I definitely ate WAY more than that at the diner this afternoon.

The good news is: I now feel quite re-energized and alive for my big audition tomorrow. The bad news is: I also feel like a fat fucking cow, and I'm going to feel even more so when I wake up to being 130 again and I STILL have to eat breakfast and a light lunch before the audition.

The good news is: As soon as I get home tomorrow night, promptly at 8 pm, I will have all the enthusiasm in the world to begin a new marathon fast!!!

I'm thinking about something SJ wrote in her note (Kudos to you, my brave girl!!!!) - maybe if I commit to a small, healthy breakfast every morning (maybe 300 calories or so, like oatmeal and a banana) and THEN my juice and/or coffee (no more than 300 calories) for the remainder of the day, it will be enough to get my metabolism motor started first thing in the morning, curb the evening cravings, and then I can will it to keep my heart rate up throughout my workout until bedtime again.

More good news: another film audition on Friday afternoon and a quick gig Friday evening are going to be great distractions from eating on the first day of my new fast. (I'm going to call it "Restricting to 122." And it's going to last for as long as it takes until I'm down to that weight!) The bad news is: the way the audition and gig are timed will leave no opportunity to go to the gym or even out for a hike that day. :-p

Ecclesiastes 7:14
"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other."

:::sigh:::

2007-07-17T21:51:00.000-04:00

Good news: will have eaten 665 calories by the end of today (315 liquid, 350 food), and went for a leisurely but lovely 4.3 mile hike on a marvelous evening tonight. After my shower, even with wet hair, I'm already down to 126.

Looks like food was what my metabolism was crying for. Just a tiny bit of food to get the home fires burning again. Hopefully I'll be 125 after my hair dries, and maybe (oh, please Lord, PLEASE!!!) 124 or even 123 after an eight-hour sleep and a morning pee??????????? Is it too much to hope for???

The hike was still tough. If the sounds of my innards is any indication, I think most of my energy is being spent on digestion.

Tomorrow I'll have to be careful as well. I'm meeting a friend in the morning at 9 am, and I may be with her through lunchtime. So more than likely, she'll invite me to eat something. We're supposed to be packing her things throughout the morning (she's moving the first week of August) so maybe I can stay pre-occupied with that long enough to (Oops!) miss lunch.

If I have to go to lunch, I MUST remember to keep my portions small and get a helluva workout tomorrow night. I want so DESPERATELY to be 122 by Thursday morning so that I can feel free to eat well for my big audition.

I went through all my clothes tonight looking for that perfect combination for the audition. WOW!!! My standby black dress pants are nearly falling off my hips! This is a good thing, but it's just too bad I can't wear them to the audition because they are really THAT baggy, they look bad (but it feels so GOOD!).

And my ass looks AWESOME in my black dance pants! I think I'm going to wear those with a cream-colored halter which nicely shows off my newly protruding shoulder bones and trim guns, and is loose enough I can give them a flash of my whittled waist if they need it.

For the singing audition, I think I'd like to wear my cream-colored 4-inch heels, just to give me that extra height I need. But I've got a black dress that looks better than my cream dress, so I'm torn. My black heels are desperately old and manky, and don't offer the same lift as my cream heels. :::sigh::: Choices.

Maybe I can convince my friend to go shoe-shopping with me tomorrow instead of out to lunch! I'll just only take enough money to buy shoes, and then I (oops!) won't have enough money to buy lunch! Hooray! (I think I'm so clever...)

2007-07-17T10:05:00.000-04:00

Something's wrong. I think after a week and a half of liquid fasting, I think my metabolism has not only slowed down, but it has come to a screeching halt and been thrown into reverse. Today I am UP a pound to 127.

What the hell is going on? I can't get my heart rate up, and I don't have the energy to try anyhow. I'm consuming less than 300 calories per day of pure liquid, mainly juice, and somehow I'm GAINING weight??

This is not permissible. So this morning, I am beginning to eat again. God help me, I don't want to. I put a bowl of oatmeal with fat-free milk (190 calories) in the microwave. Luckily, about half of it spilled out of the bowl during the warming process, so that's half of it I didn't ingest. (I'm still counting it as about 115 calories.)

I feel MUCH re-energized having gotten some fiber in me and some fuel. I'm doing laundry this morning while the machines are available and working up some computer paperwork. I can't go to the gym til the laundry is done because I'm all out of workout clothes. (It's ok, the gym's open til 10 pm.)

I think I'll head across the street and get a cheap coffee this morning. Also have plans to eat one more banana this afternoon, maybe treat myself to a Venti starbucks later if I earn it at the gym.

I've got to do SOMETHING to get my metabolism running again. Gaining weight when I'm eating so little that I can hardly MOVE is ridiculous. It's stupid.

God, I hate this disease.

2007-07-16T17:58:00.000-04:00

A glitch: The "fast to reach 122" is no longer open-ended. I have a MAJOR audition on Thursday, for which I'm going to have to eat for some energy. There's no way I can muscle my way thru this audition after five days of 300-liquid-calories fasting.

~~Please PLEASE, Lord, let me have reached 122 by Thursday morning so that I won't feel guilty about eating that day.~~

That's four pounds, 2 days, and 14 hours away.

~~Lord, grant me higher strength and endurance at the gym.~~

Today I muddled through 1009 calories and a little over 10 miles at the gym. But it's starting to feel like I'm cheating, like I can't get my heart rate up to save my life. I'm beginning to wonder how much the machines exaggerate on those calorie-counts??? Does "slow and steady" really win the race?

122 by Thursday morning....
122 by Thursday morning....
122 by Thursday morning....

Six hours left of tonight, and no calories left to consume. What to do? What to do? Roommates are downstairs cooking up something that smells mighty yummy. Was thinking about eating about an hour ago, but I'm pushing through that now.

Stay home, rest up and watch a movie? Probably won't burn ANY more calories. Go out to the bookstore and try to outwit the temptation of coffee? Might burn a few more, but after three days without coffee I don't think I could hold myself back, seriously.

Jeez, I wish the gym wasn't so boring. Maybe that's why I can't get my heart rate up: the thrill is gone. :::sigh:::