Friday, June 21, 2013

"You really understand me..."

I'm still sorting through the thousands of comments (yes, I do read every last one of them), and so many of them are from those of you who feel my writing expresses your own feelings -- the trials and errors, the sacrifices, the little triumphs, the struggles. For these, I am in awe, and I appreciate the solidarity or camaraderie we have together. That is, quite essentially, the core of why I am still blogging. I need your love and support too, and if I can return the favor I am truly humbled and honored.

In that same vein, here is an excerpt from one of my favorite (i.e. trigger) sources, someone who "gets me": Wasted by Marya Hornbacher.

Too often the shrinks assume an eating disorder is a way of avoiding womanhood, sexuality, responsibility, by arresting your physical growth at a prepubescent state. But more recently, some insightful people have noticed that some of us may be after something quite different, like breathing room, or, crazy as it sounds, less attention, or a different kind of attention. Something like power. An eating disorder appears to be a perfect response to a lack of autonomy. By controlling the amount of food that goes into and out of you, you imagine that you are controlling the extent to which other people can access your brain, your heart.

The shrinks have been paying way too much attention to the end result of eating disorders -- that is, they look at you when you've become utterly powerless, delusional, the center of attention, regressed to a passive, infantile state -- and they treat you as a passive, infantile creature, thus defeating their own purpose. This end result is not your intention at the outset. You intention was to become superhuman, skin thick as steel, unflinching in the face of adversity, out of the grasping reach of others. "Anorexia develops when a bid for independence on the part of the child has failed." It is not a scramble to get back into the nest. It's a flying leap out.

And no, it doesn't work. But it seemed like a good idea at the time.


Anonymous said...

OMG, This explains about a decade of my life. My flying leap eventually becoming quite literal when I flew to another country just to get away from mother.

Honor Regzig said...

AMEN! It is a coping mechanism! How many of us have said that it felt like our food was the only thing we had any control over? I know when I finally got out of that abusive home, I didn't feel quite as strong a need to control my intake.
So so glad you are still around <3 <3 <3

Anonymous said...

I am so so happy you decided to start blogging again :) I read your posts in 2007 whenever I need motivation when you stopped. I got so excited when I saw a new post!

Grace said...

I'm so happy you're back. Both you and Marya's writing inspires me both to not eat and to work hard and write lots. Beautiful. Thank you.