Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Back to Juice Feasting

So... although I'm not allowed to look at the numbers, I could tell my personal trainer was disappointed with my last weigh-in (which also includes a digital body composition analysis). Maybe eating the same thing every day (exactly as he prescribed!) has gotten me malnourished. Maybe my basement-level metabolism from years of abuse is not keeping up with the prescribed calorie intake. Or maybe I'm just a heifer. But for whatever reason, he's put me back on the Juice Feast for another 2 weeks. (That'll total 6 weeks in the last 3 months.)

Recovery tells me that not eating is the pursuit of death. Ana tells me that not eating is the pursuit of happiness. Now my personal trainer tells me NOT to eat for the next 2 weeks. So either my trainer is a total nut job, or all those dimwits at the clinic lied to me.

I'll let them duke it out while I sit over here and starve. And grin.

Who's with me? Two solid weeks of no food! Only juice, water, and vitamins (if you can stomach them). Let's go, darlings!

A toast to being lighter on July 9th than we are today! Starve on!

Friday, June 21, 2013

"You really understand me..."

I'm still sorting through the thousands of comments (yes, I do read every last one of them), and so many of them are from those of you who feel my writing expresses your own feelings -- the trials and errors, the sacrifices, the little triumphs, the struggles. For these, I am in awe, and I appreciate the solidarity or camaraderie we have together. That is, quite essentially, the core of why I am still blogging. I need your love and support too, and if I can return the favor I am truly humbled and honored.

In that same vein, here is an excerpt from one of my favorite (i.e. trigger) sources, someone who "gets me": Wasted by Marya Hornbacher.

Too often the shrinks assume an eating disorder is a way of avoiding womanhood, sexuality, responsibility, by arresting your physical growth at a prepubescent state. But more recently, some insightful people have noticed that some of us may be after something quite different, like breathing room, or, crazy as it sounds, less attention, or a different kind of attention. Something like power. An eating disorder appears to be a perfect response to a lack of autonomy. By controlling the amount of food that goes into and out of you, you imagine that you are controlling the extent to which other people can access your brain, your heart.

The shrinks have been paying way too much attention to the end result of eating disorders -- that is, they look at you when you've become utterly powerless, delusional, the center of attention, regressed to a passive, infantile state -- and they treat you as a passive, infantile creature, thus defeating their own purpose. This end result is not your intention at the outset. You intention was to become superhuman, skin thick as steel, unflinching in the face of adversity, out of the grasping reach of others. "Anorexia develops when a bid for independence on the part of the child has failed." It is not a scramble to get back into the nest. It's a flying leap out.

And no, it doesn't work. But it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Stoking the fire

Just when I was beginning to doubt whether I wanted to continue this journey again or not, my weekend was flooded with commentary from friends, which only served to spur me on…

- “Are you losing more weight?” What did she mean by ‘more’? Have people noticed and not said anything?
- “Are you still doing this juicing thing? Are you just gonna keep it up until you disappear?” Believe it or not, this friend knows nothing of my ED history.
- (After she’d had a steak sub dinner and I’d had 16 oz of juice, I was bellyaching about how full I was and she said her stomach was still grumbling…) “Look at us! You’re gonna be so skinny and I’m gonna be the fat one!” gonna be skinny” means I’m not there yet, and “the fat one” means that I haven’t been considered the skinniest of all us heretofore. This is unacceptable and must change!

Starve on.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Truth: If it tastes good, it's trying to kill you.

Starve on.