Thursday, May 30, 2013

Has it really been 18 months?

Hello to all my beautiful ladies (and a few of you gents ;))

I can't believe it's been/only been 18 months since I was last on this page. I can't believe I have another 1300 comments to filter through. Most of all, I can't believe this blog is still getting 200 hits a day. You peeps are absolutely amazing. Rock on wit yo thin selves.

So, I only got through about five comments when I noticed the overwhelming demand for an update, so here it is. I'm still "in recovery." The further and further I get from my last time "in" (4 years) the fewer and fewer people around me in my life know about it and bug me about it. The production company that sets the "lose weight" command in motion one month prior to shoots raved over my looks that time, and has shot me three more times since, making the same demand each time. Sometimes I've obeyed, sometimes not. Either way, they don't complain, so I take that as a good sign.

I've hired a new personal trainer a little over a month and a half ago. He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer (I am learning with time), but he's gotten great results out of a few friends of mine. And since looks are more important than health in this business, that makes him the go-to guy. I told him in our Day 1 interview about my ED history, among other things, and he sort of glossed over it. To me, this can only mean one thing, and I shudder to admit it -- I probably don't LOOK like I've ever suffered from an eating disorder anymore.

Case in point, the first thing he did was to put me on a "juice feast" for the first 30 days. Go out and buy a Jack LaLanne power juicer and a buttload of fruits and veggies, and consume nothing but that for 30 straight days. As much as you want! But nothing solid, and nothing added (no protein powders, no honey, sugar, etc.). I was over-the-moon to get this sort of 'unlimited super-restriction'. I practically floated out of the gym that morning. Come to find out later, he didn't expect such an enthusiastic reaction to such a strict regimen, and took it as, "She's gotta be faking that kind of excitement. I'll never see her again." His face was equally shocked 27 days later when I weighed in almost 16 lbs lighter. He still can't believe I stuck to it so strictly. Clearly, he's never worked with a disordered eater before. The strictest of rituals are our most deliciously addictive.

In the 20 days since then, he's added solid food back into my daily diet - a salad with lean protein for lunch, and a small handful of raw, unsalted almonds for dinner, along with continuing to juice. I haven't been weighed again yet, and the dysmorphia lies to me about my reflection. So... we'll see.

In the meantime, the eating has REALLY gotten me depressed, and the not-knowing if I'm losing weight or gaining weight. In 7 weeks, not ONE person in my life has said those all-important words: "Have you lost weight?" Although to be fair, I am still wearing my winter clothes in this ridiculously long winter/spring weather. And while *I* can tell they're barely hanging onto my hips, I am still waiting for someone else to confirm it. I NEED to hear that question more than I need air.

And in the past day-and-a-half, out of complete boredom, I have launched back into a re-read of Marya's book, "Wasted," and watching really bad Lifetime movies about disordered eaters on youtube. So much schlock in those movies. Really, truly bad. I spend a bit of time laughing at the stupidity of their "experts" and a little bit more time screaming at the antagonists not to feed her! or treat her like an embicile! Ugh. I digress...

So that's the update. Yes, I'm alive. Probably don't look like I've ever had an ED. Must be fat. But clearly, all those feelings -- that beautiful, sweet voice called "Ana" -- is still there, a sleeping beauty just waiting to be roused... if I dare.

Now, I'm gonna go filter through some of these comments. I love you, my readers, my Ana's and Mia's and Ednos'. Truly. Thank you for standing by me for all these years. <3 Starve on. <3