Wednesday, July 8, 2009



I've been reading Marya's book again. The last time I read it, it triggered me into a summer of long-term fasts (lost 20 pounds in 3 months), so I'm wondering what will happen to me now that "I've been rehabilitated." It's such a wonderful account of her journey. Those of you who've commented that you enjoy reading my stuff, I HIGHLY recommend you read this book. She's a fucking fantastic writer. She's a freakin' phenom, and I aspire to be her one day.

I'm not in ana-mode right now. No. Not that I don't want to. I've been back out on my own for several months now, but I'm still not entirely sure that I'm not being watched. But I can see the ana creeping back in. I'm back to my daily routine-making, gaining control. I've been having a bowl of cereal for breakfast (300 cals), a salad for lunch (440 cals), and a latte for dinner (260 cals), followed by 8-10 miles at the gym (950 cals) every day for the past few weeks. Some days work has gotten in the way, and I've had to switch to have the latte for lunch and the salad for dinner. And weekends are way harder when I'm out with friends. But for the most part I've been able to stick to it.

I'm not weighing myself. The scale is in the bathroom, and it's a struggle in my head every morning deciding whether to look or not. I don't want to know. I just know that I'm not even close to my all-time low weight, so I know I'll hate myself and relaspe for sure if I look. I'm scared to look. But I'm dying to know. I hate myself.

A little bit of trauma in my life lately. Same boy who left me for "fat cow", then broke up with her in November just shortly after I got sent away, then tried to get back with me when I got out... hasn't talked to me for about 3 months. I was ok with that. Until last week when he randomly decided to call me up for dinner, only to let me know that he'd met another girl and he's going to marry her. (SFX bomb-drop) Not that I ever really expected to marry him, but shit. Who decides to marry someone after only 3 or 4 dates? Apparently he does.

So yeah, that's been a little bit triggering. Had a helluva 11-mile run at the gym that night. But unfortunately that tipped me over the edge: I twisted my right hip and it's been aggravated since, keeping me from going to the gym the past 5 days. So trauma is just that much more... shitty.

I hate this life. Why do I bother to persist?

65 comments:

Andrea said...

I wish I had some words to make you feel better, but I doubt you even know what you want to hear. The overall tone of this latest post is the saddest yet and I feel for you. It sounds like you're doing "well" but it's clearly not making you happy, but I'm not sure you're ever happy in ana-mode either. I think maybe in your head ana helps define you, and you're not sure what to do without it, but that's not necessarily what the rest of us see. I read your blog because it is interesting and true and often funny, not because you have an eating disorder. I hope you will continue to write and post because I (and others) am genuinely interested in what you have to say. And I'm praying that you find some way to not hate yourself.

Kay said...

Hey... I'm new to your blog :) I just wanted to say that I've read Marya's book a thousand times if I've read it once. It is WONDERFUL!! I actually think I've read it thirteen times now; the first time when I was 14. I was in love. It motivated me to lose weight a year or so back and I lost almost 25 pounds...
She is the most amazing writer on the planet, I think... It's not just her account, which is harrowing and frightening and beautiful, but her style is impeccable! Isn't it?? I adore and admire her.
I wrote to her a few months back and she actually wrote me back within 2 days!! Amazing...
Anyway, your blog is fascinating and you, too, are a great writer :) Keep updating!! I will keep visiting :)

Anonymous said...

That totally sucks about your ex. Real bummer.
Any way the reason I decided to comment was because that last line sounded a little bit suicidal. I've read your whole blog so I know that you've cut your wrists before. And I just want to say, even if this sounds really stupid cuz you weren't thinking about suicide, please don't cosider killing yourself. You are an amazing person who inspires me to do better. I feel like I know you.
I would hate to see something happen to you.
I cut myself pretty much whenever I get pissed, so like every day. And let me tell you, getting your stomach pumped because you tried to overdose on pain killers is not fun. The whole suicide thing, not fun. So just please listen to what I said and know that you inspire many. I'm starting a three day fast in your honor!

Rose

Anonymous said...

Your honesty is brave and appreciated. Many. Of us are either too scared or too proud to really put our thoughts and feelings out there for others to judge. I hope you get as much out of blogging as I do from reading...

sadhana said...

I'm glad to see you back.. I started my own blog about a month ago after coming across yours.. I guess you inspired me. I am so glad that I did - it has really helped me out a lot - opened my eyes to a lot of things.. But you were the first I subscribed to and.. It's nice to see a new post. Thank you for just being here :)

Aya D. said...

Dear Ana,

Though I discovered this blog months ago, this is my first comment. I've been waiting for you to re-post with probably more eagerness than I should be, checking everyday-because, I know you hear this a lot from reading some past comments you've recieved, I feel as if I've grown close to you from reading this blog. You completely inspire me, your writing is fascinating, I look up to you.
Heh, I even have this document saved on my computer called "proana" where I copy and paste things from your blog that really stand out to me or inspire me. Two of my favorite phrases are (and I'm not sure if you coined them but they are inspiring all the same) "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and "Everytime you say no thank you to food you say yes please to thin" they are my personal mantras whenever I fast or generally choose not to eat.
I don't know why I've waited so long to comment, I think it was probably because I couldn't find the right words to say, I didn't want to sound cheesy and I also didn't want to sound stalker-ish. Ha ha.
But really, if anything, I have to thank you for your bravery of putting your story out there like this, you'll probably never know how many girls (and guys) you've touched and inspired, me being one of them (of the girl variety!).
So I guess...just...don't give up...were all here for you, listening, very ready to talk. And even if you don't know it, you mean a lot to us-whether or not you are ana, you are still an amazing strong person.
So much for not sounding cheesy...lol.

Anyway, just-take care okay? And of course update us if you get the chance. ^_^

-Aya D.

DepressionFromNowhere said...

Not sure what I can say other than I'm thinking of you and take care. x
xDFNx

2 week's notice said...

hello there,

i'm a relatively new reader but it is a relief to see you're back. sorry to hear about the boy stupidity but as P.J. said, "gotta wash that man right outta my hair." always good to dance to.

all the best

Anonymous said...

Kashi Puffed rice seven grains or w/e is 80 cals for one cup, so that's a really great breakfast food.

i really hope you get better.

Anonymous said...

Surely... never judge a book by its cover - especially when you've not even seen it...

however, according to how you describe that guy: lucky you that you didn't end up with that person. he doesn't seem to be the brightest so he's definitely not suitable for you...

=^.^= v

heather[hunger] said...

i love that book!!. its so inspirational.
im glad you seem to be doing ok, despite your hip and stuff. i hope it gets better.
i've read your blog like 4 times over, and i just wanna say that you're really amazing. your so strong.
which ever way you decide to go, i think you should choose what feels right to you. don't let anyone get in the way of your decision.
stay strong <33

Anonymous said...

You do it because you are beautiful, and you are more beautiful now, I am sure, healthy and strong, than weakened and wasting. I hope that you manage to keep control without going back to Ana.

Do you know the song Sophie by Eleanor McEvoy? I discovered it recently - it's gorgeous

Anonymous said...

It's good to hear you back again.
Starve on!

Empty said...

I'm planning on reading that book when I have a little more time. Also, thanks for your blog. it has inspired me with a ton of thinspiration. Sorry about the guy but I'm sure his fiance isnt as skinny as you!

Tianne said...

ah- i have a love/hate rel'n with WASTED. I know it could set me off down a really long, treacherous road... but there's something so enticing about it.

Rachelle said...

God it feels good to read your posts...instant motivation for fasting and resisting the temptations that life puts before us...
Anyway, the book looks really good maybe I'll look into it.
Hope your hip will get better soon =)
-R.
Everytime you say no
thank you to food,
you say yes please
to thin.

Steph said...

Typical guy...decides he's ready to settle down and proposes to whoever he happens to be dating at the time. I know it's easier said than done but don't fixate on this too much. If he's simple-minded enough to think marrying a girl he barely knows is a good life decision, then he most definitely doesn't deserve someone as intelligent and amazing as you.

I'm really glad to see you're writing again. Personally, I'm rooting for you not to go back to ana but I'll be following your blog, regardless. It's weird, but I think about you a lot and I found myself wondering how you were doing when you weren't writing. I really hope you get to a place in your life where you're genuinely happy bc you deserve it. I'll be praying for you. Stay strong, love =)

thea said...

ive got to read this book

Anonymous said...

because you are loved and needed. chin up honey and starve on
x x x

Savory Sweet said...

Time to invest in a punching bag? jk. You are obviously way beyond the reach of this guy :)

Hope your hip heals nicely/quickly. Sounds like you're on a great routine.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the recommendation, I will definitely be investing in that book.

I check every day to see if you have posted. Impatience is a virtue - it's what makes "us" who we are.

I wish you luck in getting your thoughts and feelings into context. I understand how that can feel like an impossible task at times.
I have faith that you will get there in the end.

You are in my thoughts.

E

Names Are Useless said...

Why do you persist? Because you are WORTH it. What you hope to achieve, and dream about, it's all worth it.
There's always a means to an end.
You may feel lost now... or just completely fucked up.
The only thing I think the "rehab" did was fuck up your perspective some more. But you are SO strong, I read your posts and cry.
I see the emotion you feel, as if I were almost experiencing it... but the thing is, I'm not.
And I pray for you, someone who has to deal with SO much shit.
But I have faith in you... possibly more so than I have in a long time.
You radiate with the greatness of who you are... I just wish it would become apparent to you..
You are worth it.. more than anything.
No amount of thinspiration, food, books, work, NOTHING can compare to your worth.
Forget boyfriends....
Forget friends...
Forget work...
Forget parents(or lack thereof)...
If this ever happens again, it should be because of you, and what you want out of your self-worth.
If not... leave this blog up, because maybe you'll change someone elses life, as much as you have mine.
I pray for you every night.
~Names Are Useless

Lady D said...

Random curiosity question... If you are restricting/fasting enough to have grey outs or black outs, how do you drive? Do you drive? Does that scare you, the possibility of blacking out behind the wheel?

Just curious. I've never gotten that far myself and I'm not sure how to deal with it if/when I do.

Thank you!

kc said...

thank you for sharing your journey with us.

Gettingsmaller1 said...

I totally relate to the scale issue. It BECKONS me every day, and yet I am terrified of the fucking thing. If the numbers are DOWN, then its going to be a great day - best day ever. If they are the SAME, then it still could be a good day, b/c that just inspires me to work harder. If they are UP, I'm fucked and will either binge and purge or starve all day, berating myself all the while. God I hate that.

Anonymous said...

You bother to persist because you are a beautiful person and you want to tell everyone "Fuck you, I can be who I want to be!"

Just a guess ;)

Love, always.

skinnywishes said...

the boy thing sucks =[ and i'm sorry if youre having a hard time. to answer the question you end the post with, well, maybe "because things will probably get better somehow, someday" maybe that's not the right answer but srsly, just keep going ok?
stay strong and be brave. we love you
xx

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to write to let you know how proud I am of you, of how well you're coping with the continuing internal struggle against Ana's ever-present pull and the desire to be "healthy" and please friends and family. You have already achieved so much; so much more than I or many could ever dream of acheivirng. You keep going anaregzig! You are a constant souce of inspiration to so many and your blog is not only a life-line, but a reminder that there is a choice out there... somewhere for all of us with ED's; ana/mia/COE/EDNOS any of the little devils on our left shoulder. God is with us all no matter how far away ED makes Him feel.
You remain in my thoughts daily and I truely hope that someone like you, with so much to offer the world can find balance and closure on whichever path you chose.
Stay Strong my Ana-sister.
LouAna. xxx

Anonymous said...

i am amazed that you are able to eat that little and still run 8-10 miles, i could never make it.

lauren said...

i went through and in 1 DAY read your entire story.

you are my inspiration, and whatever you choose in your life from this moment on, i hope you are proud of yourself. because you are the strongest girl ever.

thank you for telling the world how a real girl feels when under the pressure of a changing society.

you're beautiful <3

Jen said...

I am glad to see that you are writing again. I know it troubles you sometimes to hear that you are a source of inspiration (thinspiration, really). But I wanted to let you know that you are both for me because you have the most tenacious and dedicated person I have ever encountered. And that is lovely to behold.

And... What a silly boy! Hope your hip heals. :)

Anonymous said...

Glad you're back :) Your motivation motivates me. I get a little spark of energy & feel my tiny victories are worth the sacrifice. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if you have ever read 'Dancing on my Grave' by Gelsey Kirkland. It is out of print now but you may be able to find a copy in a library or second hand off amazon or something.
take care.

pooty said...

Hi... I've been reading your blog for a while now... I just want you to know you inspire me.

Anonymous said...

I know a bit how you feel. This world is all about being thin. Today I had a coffe and half bread slice with little jam, salad for lunch and albegines for dinner. I can't wait to be thin. I drink loads of coffee which gives me energy.

Kimmy said...

I've devoured your blog all night long, instead of food, of course. And I would just like to say your an amazing writer and an inspiration. I clung to your words through your ups and downs with your great imagery and skilled writing. Starve on.

Thumbelina said...

hi there!
you inpired me to read the book!
thank you!
p.s. how did you get it? by amazon? i live in the country where i can't find this book...(((
so maybe you know where i can download it?
bye!

Anonymous said...

you persist because at the end of the day its just you and the mirror.

i understand.

KatUK said...

Im feelin on a low at the moment as well - plus side is that I have now managed to lose 7 pounds in two weeks, on the downside, i feel depressed all the time.

I know how u feel bout the 'crappy guy' situ - been there, neva doin that again - Been on my own for 6 yrs now cause of the last, hence the depressed feeling - only have my losing weight as a friend.

sorry_i_can't_be_perfect said...

omg, i want that book so much. i went to the library but they didn't have any in stock, so i reserved it and i'll hopefully have it in 3-4 weeks. :(
goodluck! xx

Excess~Baggage said...

Oh I LOVE That book!!! I wish they'd make it into a movie.

Excess~Baggage said...

Oh I love that book!! I wish they'd make it into a movie.

Be careful girl. If you are like me you can't see what is real in that mirror. They ALWAYS tell you to take away the scale. But be aware you won't see the gain. I think its better to let yourself have a bid of room on the scale but keep weighing say on sundays or something

Anonymous said...

i've read marya's book... its deff a recommended read! ana's can really relate to it and i guess thats why its so popular... a good book to read to keep motivated, so probs not recommended for those recovering.
thank u Ana for your blog, i recently discovered it and its clear how much we all find it inspirational & most of all honest!
please continue to write. Me xx

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog completely by accident, and have read right back to 2008. I am totally inspired by you, i love the way you dont nancy around the point and are straight talking.

But something thats really bothering me is the way you can create excuses not to eat, im always being watched, eat meals with family around and dread each one. How do i stop people being worried but not be seen not eating at the same time?

Also is it true that you have to burn 3500 cals before loosing a pound, i love the empty feeling during a fast and normally last 3 days but the pounds do NOT shift, whyyyyy!!?

Keep going :)
Love you.

Anonymous said...

hi. i don't know if you will read this because it looks like you get a lot of comments but I just have some words to share, and from what i've read of your blog, I like you and I think you'd understand. I fell into anorexia a few years back, and I did a lot of lying to avoid doing any sort of treatment programs. I gained about 10 lbs and everyone seemed happy... until I started losing it again, and then I was constantly monitored by doctors for how much I was eating and so I gained the wait back again. The messages I was being fed made me feel bad for trying to be thin and for trying to eat healthily and so I plunged into a binge eating cycle where I just ate and ate and ate. I got to a point where I contemplated suicide because i just hated myself and saw no way out. I'm currently trying to pull out of the binge, lose the weight I've gained, and try not to fall back into my old habits. It's hard. and I'm frustrated, but reading your blog made me a little happy to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with issues like this. so thank you for that.

Anonymous said...

Hi. I just found your blog earlier this week and I have been reading it constantly, from beginning to this point.
Its like reading a wonderful book with no censoring, have you ever read a book called 'Vanishing Point'? Its kind of like Wasted but she just published it and it reads more like having a conversation over a long period of time than a dry case study...
I just ordered a book called 'Holy Anorexia' and the Fasting Girls ...I have never before heard from a real persons point of view about the spiritual aspects of this...it is very fascinating and I have really enjoyed reading your blog. I really do think you should get published someday.

Your thoughts on the spirituality and on the sweet fire burning of calories by physical exertion (and lovely coffee)! it is beautiful
...it really blows me away to find someone I have so much in common with...our 'stats' are very similar as well, which is very encouraging because often I feel that I 'dont have the right' to call myself ana, because of the fluctuations. Its odd..

Anyway please do take care darling and I will be reading from now on and rooting for you!

-J

Anonymous said...

First, thank you for these blogs. I truly appreciate the support. Second, if you like this book, you would probably love Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. I found this book inspiring as well.

Jen said...

Hey. I'm new here, but just wanted to say the same thing happened to me when I read Maryas book. I was also reading "Thin" by Grace Bowman (think thats her name) which is another great read but I found it more triggering.

I hope you are okay. Very sorry to hear about that guy. I just found out today a guy I really liked is in another relationship (after telling me he didn't want anything serious, but that he loved me). So I can understand why you feel so rubbish. Just remember there is someone out there who is worth loving and will love you back.

xxx

Fiona Place said...

As the author of the novel Cardboard: A woman left for dead (one woman's account of her life-threatening eating disorder and eventual hard-won recovery) I think it is very important there is a dialogue between those in the midst of anorexia and those who are no longer in that world so to speak. That there is a genuine sharing of experience and respect.

sarahsstylesmporium said...

It's been a while. I wonder if you are alright?

Scenespo said...

Ignore those who put you down in love. Your self discipline will pay off someday.

A Quiet Battle said...

New to your blog... new to the blog world in general. Just wanted to say I recently finished Wasted. Wonderful book...very triggering indeed. Think I might read it again.

Anonymous said...

Ana,

Why did you stop writing? Your blog not only provides me hours and hours of educated amusement but also a muse and guidance for my own life. I on the other hand do not have the strength and discipline you Ana's have. I fast every now and again (might I mention I have only been able to do this with you and your blog in mind) but most of the time I'm a bulimic - this loser's choice...

I need you Ana, you've got to help me work through it, to help me fall out of love with food and in love with 'emptiness'.

Please Ana - come back!

Anonymous said...

I am reading this book right now. I struggle always with the thoughts and feelings of being bulemic. that is me, i have my days where i throw up but mainly i fight it and just let me brain tare away at me. I hate it. I hate my fat. I wish i could just disappear. :/.

Anonymous said...

Wow... as someone who struggled with anorexia and tucked it neatly in a closet, it was amazing to see you place your struggles out in the open for many of us to read. I understand the sense of self-loathing and that need to control your life -especially when other things are so clearly out of your hands. I also know that struggle between what is healthy (eating) and what feels normal. I wish I could give you the secret cure to end the constant up hill battle, but it doesn't exist. And I think that the release for each of us is very unique.

I just hope that things change for you.

Anonymous said...

Love, your ex was not worthy of you. If he left someone as amazing as you for someone who (ahem) clearly lacks will power,then you really didn't need him. The only reason he called you was to see if you would approve. Obviously, he has an inferiority complex, and wants a girl who is so desperate that she will agree to marry him after a few dates. Letting a loser like that make you feel shitty would be like getting a pound away from your goal weight, then binging. You keep us strong.

pretty_please said...

i am in the same boat. so much shit is going on that it doesnt seem right to keep going like this. why do thing have to be so hard

T said...

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Reading this, it's like it's currently happening right now, but I know this was more than a year ago. I don't know if you're going through similar struggles or what your life is like right now. I just need to say that this blog has helped tons.
A past boyfriend also left me for someone else. She was a friend at the moment and all I could think is... "Is she thinner than me?" That immediately made me roll back to a week of fasting, followed by a couple days of binging. It was like going through hell. I try to convince myself that he was just a sorry excuse for a man, but that still hasn't worked.
Some men are shit. Plain and simple.
Hope you are doing alright today!

Tiny said...

I'm ambivalent about this book. But... It's cool! As an thin girl I found the book great because it had tips in it. This book is the firsthand story of a young woman struggling between two eating disorders, which eventually end up consuming her life.

annaxoskinnyxo said...

I love your blog. Please please please post again soon. If you ever find the time, check mine out too (:

Stay strong. xoxo

Anonymous said...

OMG!! I luv the book wintergirls. That was probably the book that inspried me the most! Ana I luv your blog it's so inspiring, I lust hope one day I could be as strong as you!

build muscles said...

One of the best ways to keep your gains on track is to ensure that you have no deficits in these micronutrients. Supplement with them for their health and growth properties.

Anonymous said...

you persist because there's a chance you'll find a better life. i believe that we all live more than one life. we make identities, we make ourselves into people. we find and choose our lives. if you want a good life, go out and find one.

Anonymous said...

Omg u so inspired me! Going on a month long fast and need a text buddy 2 get me thourgh it!

Mary Lopez said...

Thank you for sharing your views but seriously, you are beautiful the way you are.