Sunday, July 19, 2009

After a very stressful few weeks, and a very naughty weekend, I am feeling quite... (how shall we say) unqualified to fit into my skinny jeans this week.

So, now that I feel like a lot of the heat has let off, it's time for a good old-fashioned FAST. Just a little one, to see if anyone notices. It's 6 pm here on the east coast, and I have a party to go to tonight, followed by 2 auditions tomorrow, and another party tomorrow night. Evenings are usually my gym-time, so without an outlet for my persistent anxiety, I feel like I'd rather control my food intake if I can't get a grip on my energy output.

To keep eyebrows from raising, I'm going to try to keep pushing the fluids, keeping a drink of some kind with me at all times, to give an illusion of intake. However, I will try to keep these calorie counts down as well. Mostly water, maybe a little bit of VitaminWater, a sip or two of soymilk for breakfast, and coke zero if I MUST have caffeination. But no food. Until at least midnight tomorrow (Monday night).

I'm already anticipating the high!! And looking forward to telling ya'll how it went. God, I hope I get away with this. Depending on how it goes, who knows what I might do after this?

Who's fasting with me? 30 hours food-free! Let's do it! Think beautiful thoughts, girls! XOXO!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I've been reading Marya's book again. The last time I read it, it triggered me into a summer of long-term fasts (lost 20 pounds in 3 months), so I'm wondering what will happen to me now that "I've been rehabilitated." It's such a wonderful account of her journey. Those of you who've commented that you enjoy reading my stuff, I HIGHLY recommend you read this book. She's a fucking fantastic writer. She's a freakin' phenom, and I aspire to be her one day.

I'm not in ana-mode right now. No. Not that I don't want to. I've been back out on my own for several months now, but I'm still not entirely sure that I'm not being watched. But I can see the ana creeping back in. I'm back to my daily routine-making, gaining control. I've been having a bowl of cereal for breakfast (300 cals), a salad for lunch (440 cals), and a latte for dinner (260 cals), followed by 8-10 miles at the gym (950 cals) every day for the past few weeks. Some days work has gotten in the way, and I've had to switch to have the latte for lunch and the salad for dinner. And weekends are way harder when I'm out with friends. But for the most part I've been able to stick to it.

I'm not weighing myself. The scale is in the bathroom, and it's a struggle in my head every morning deciding whether to look or not. I don't want to know. I just know that I'm not even close to my all-time low weight, so I know I'll hate myself and relaspe for sure if I look. I'm scared to look. But I'm dying to know. I hate myself.

A little bit of trauma in my life lately. Same boy who left me for "fat cow", then broke up with her in November just shortly after I got sent away, then tried to get back with me when I got out... hasn't talked to me for about 3 months. I was ok with that. Until last week when he randomly decided to call me up for dinner, only to let me know that he'd met another girl and he's going to marry her. (SFX bomb-drop) Not that I ever really expected to marry him, but shit. Who decides to marry someone after only 3 or 4 dates? Apparently he does.

So yeah, that's been a little bit triggering. Had a helluva 11-mile run at the gym that night. But unfortunately that tipped me over the edge: I twisted my right hip and it's been aggravated since, keeping me from going to the gym the past 5 days. So trauma is just that much more... shitty.

I hate this life. Why do I bother to persist?