Saturday, May 30, 2009

What did I learn during my time in "recovery"?

  • I like to thoroughly examine both sides of a story before making my own judgement. I know what Ana Bella is going through, why she thinks the way she does. I know what Mia Jessica's distorted reflection looks like in her eyes. Those connections make us kin in a way no other relationship can connect people.

  • For all their years and years of research and development, doctors, nurses, and therapists will NEVER understand the disordered mind if they have never lived it themselves. It appalls me to hear them say, "I understand what you're telling me..." Nothing infuriates me faster. No amount of study and research will qualify you to "understand" until you've lived through it.

  • I have a new respect for the self-control of my tongue, as well as self-control of my weight. I can retrain my mind and body to learn to play any game for a little while, tell you what you think you want to hear, show you what you think you want to see, if it gets me to my end. I can make you believe you have "healed" me. And I can be set free.

    I am free now. I believe I am ready to fly again.

65 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are such a fantastic writer--please post often--I look to you for strength.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad that you are back. I started a liquid fast today -"the lemon detox". It is my first one ever. I hope I can do it for seven days. According to Elle magazine, I can lose up to seven pounds in seven days! I'm thinking about doing a salt water flush also. Continue to fly!

Tana

Gettingsmaller1 said...

I agree that "recovery" is all about learning to play the game. I was in with a girl that went to the ground (literally kicking and screaming)every night at dinner b/c they made her eat butter. They knew it was her Ana cryptonite, and they fucking didn't care. In fact, I swear they took perverse glee in doing it. Assholes.

KatUK said...

You sound happier and glad to hear from you so soon after finding you - Ur so far away but feel like someone i can talk to.

Be careful though, when you say you can make the believe, they have their own tricks as well, and just close off when they talk to you, dont listen to what they say otherwise u will jus make urself angry and their not worth it.

U are worth it though.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back.
M.

Anonymous said...

thanks for posting again.
the second bullet is completely true. happy-ass doctors who've lived in a perfect fucking bubble all their lives have no fucking clue what anyone living with a disorder is going through. they act like they are some sort of miracle worker who's there to save souls or something, but they're dead-fucking-wrong. i'm psyched that your back, and good luck in the future :)

Amanda Nicole said...

I recently started reading your blog and I love it. I love the pure honesty of your situation and even the shared feelings you have of people who say they know how you feel, I hate doctors, hospitals and the likes. I cannot say I support your decisions of anorexia because I am not 'pro-ana' but, I cannot condemn you because i'd be a hypocrite. Recently I have gotten alot of attention from friends and family over my 'fragile frame'. I am having a hard time convincing them I am eatting and I have stopped using cocaine. Do you know anything I can do to hold on to my precious obsessions without actually giving them up?

By the way, I am so sorry you had to get treatment, I think thats the worst part of the disorder. The realization that the wackjobs in the white coats are getting paod lots of money to make you fat just so you can leave them, isolate yourself, and relapse.

Heatherskies said...

I haven't commented before, just read, and you've given me so much strength with your posts, and I'm really happy to see you back. As for the last paragraph, I understand so well. No one can "know" an actress, unless she lets them. Stay strong, stay beautiful

Anonymous said...

I find this blog to be the absolue best! U effing rock!

Bri said...

U give me so much strength ana. Continue to post please. :-D

Anonymous said...

write more often-we want you back

xx's

R xx said...

i am so glad, i agree with everything you just said..
they will never understand, but we know.. and we understand.. and we will read your blog and drink your every word for you are an inspiration and im so glad you have posted again..
I have just started a water fast.. i say i want to go for 14days.. but i will see if i can make it 7 -but i feel so encouraged now you are back,
stay strong, im so glad you are free
we will never truly be healed they will never understand.. no amount of intervention can ever fix us. they have NO IDEA. how this feels. every day.

but i know you know.. and i know u struggle along every day same as I and i am glad you are back.. i know you never truly left

much love.. xx

Libertine said...

One thing that I've noticed while being disordered, is that manipulation comes as part of the package.
And it's great.

Hope you're doing well
xx

Anonymous said...

Got worried about you ... but its good to have to back stronger than before with that self-control .... :)dont stop

Anonymous said...

sure, it's all great. the manipulation, the lying, the hiding, the pukin', the nearly-dying. It's all so damned great it makes me puke. over and over again. what makes you insist on the point, that it's all your decision? well, it's not mine, but ana won't leave me anyway.
*haha, isn't it funny, the word verification asks me to type "weeka"*

Anonymous said...

please post more :)

Africana said...

Fly high beautiful butterfly.
You have been sorely missed. <3

L.B. said...

I'm a "happy-ass" doctor. :) (I'll be the first to admit most doctors are pretty fucked up -- no perfect bubbles.) And I do understand. I understand the power and control and esteem you feel when you are winning the game. How good it feels to be slim and light and empty. The joy of seeing outlines of bones under your skin. I admire your self-discipline. I can restrict till the fat cows come home, but I'll be damned if I can keep my happy ass in the gym for longer than an hour. My new goals: two hours of actively burning calories a day, and knocking out the 45 kcal of creamer in my coffee so I can stay under 300kcal/day. Glad you've got your strength back!

Anonymous said...

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!
You're back! I was checking this all the time to see when a new post would be up!
You're a true source for hope for all us girls.
You keep me staying strong! <3

Anonymous said...

I recently started to read your blog also. I love it and i find that you give me a lot of helpful tips, inspriation, and a common ground where i cant seem to find it in everyday life. You in a way give me strength. So keep flying and posting. :)

Anonymous said...

I had the worst day yesterday (men suck) and wasn't sure how to stay strong and your blog inspired me to choose to undertake a liquid fast complete with a couple of soya cappuccinos to get me through my first one. Wavered a bit this evening but kept with it. Going to try to do it once a week every Monday.

Take care of yourself x

Anonymous said...

Hey, I've been reading for a while now and I have to say, you are a truly inspiring person. Not because of your eating disorder, more because of your sheer determination. I am actually in awe. But do you think you could ever be happy if you weren't thin?
I know that to you this might sound like an ignorant question, and I don't have an ED so I know I could never understand fully. But it just seems like you have so much going for you. And don't you ever feel bad about having to hide from the people around you? (This is a genuine question, not a snide remark btw)

Well, anyway, good luck in whatever you decide to do. I can't help hoping you'll change your mind, but it's your body and your life.

Much love, Hope xoxox

lu said...

soo true bout them not understanding a disordered ming...but isn't it like that in general? I mean, can one undersand someone else's mind, even when it's not disordered?
take care xoxo

Anonymous said...

...you are SO right it isn't even funny. I've been outpatient for two weeks now after having been inpatient for about 11 days, and I've fooled them in so many different ways it's sick...carrying my two pound cell phone during all their clothed weigh-ins for instance. XD Altogether I think I've lost around 17 pounds throughout 'treatment' for my 'Eating disorder'. You go, girl! =)

Bri-lah! said...

I'm on the second day of my fast. I believe u'd b proud f me if yu saw how I avoided food, and gavemine to other people. Yu'd be proud of my control if u saw it urself. ♥ ya Ana! SS and TT

"Jenny" said...

I would just like to thank you for this site, i have felt that i have been on my own with my ana, and im so glad to have a page like this to go to and get inspiration and comfort. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

missed you
x

Holly said...

I believe you're ready to fly too.

Anonymous said...

totally love ur blog!~ it's my dose of inspiration <3

DepressionFromNowhere said...

*hugs* good to hear from you

Anonymous said...

We are all so proud of you! You are an amazing blogger. <3

Alice said...

I've just started blogging, and I find this blog to be a great inspiration. I hope to see more posts from you and frequent updates.

Anonymous said...

I started reading your blog recently and it has really helped me stick it out. before i had no one to guide me, i just need someone to tell me how

Anonymous said...

I looove your blog - I hope you start posting again soon and you're doing OK. I love the way you write.

xo

Anonymous said...

i just found your blog and read the whole lot in one go. I was ana from 15yrs to 25yrs and now i am a fat 27yr old beast at 150lbs. i love how pepople think you are 'better' now. 'wasn't it horrible when you were ill'. don't they realise it doesn't go away? i just hate myself even more now and am going to sort it. starting today. you are truly my thinsparation. restriction starts here......wish me luck

xxx

Anonymous said...

Welcome back, sista. You will fly again,,,

Anonymous said...

Hey! God i started reading your blog a couple of months ago and its so inspirational or thinspirational. It sucks that you got intervened. My family is always nagging for me to eat something so i cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for you. I think the term for my disorder is a little of anorexia and bulimia. Simply because i have this strong aversion to foods and all day i think about what im eating if its gum write it down. I hate food sometimes no matter how good it may smell or taste. It reminds me of being Fat again, and the thought nearly kills me. I exercise even when i have not consumed any calories.. i havee to burn that fat and god knowss we hate that. And the bulimia part well when i cannot control myself and i allow myself a small bite; i tend to over eat; and throw up; even though i dont binge if i eat 500-400 calories in one day i will throw it out of my body.. im also a vegetarian so that help a lot.


Any ways!! I'm glad your back. You seem like a great person and as long as you want to be yourself and believe in what you wish to believe in. Dont let others infulence the way you live you life. We have limited freedoms and well darn we better embrace the freedom of being who we want to be. No matter what they say..!!

Much Love & Support..
J.

Anonymous said...

heyy,
hope you're well my sweetness!
just wanted to ask your advice on drinking water, particularly on an empty stomach. i try to face myself but i can barely standing taking one fucking sip!
take care.

Anonymous said...

I really hated it when my dad said, no wait, THOUGHT he understood my situation because he has seen the models on E!. glad youre back, ana :)

E. said...

let us be part of your freedom and the way on your flight back to what you are.
i,aswell, need a new start .
we love you!
xoxo
E.

Anonymous said...

I have enjoyed your blog immensely. We have some things in common...I also am in an image-conscious profession (classical music performing) and understand a lot of what you deal with. Keep being strong.

Hannah <3 said...

Dear Ana, I've missed you more than I can describe in words on a comment board, and I welcome you back with open arms. When I read your blog, I feel like I am not alone, like there is someone out there who can actually say they know what it is like.
Once again I find myself out of words. I hope to hear from you often, because when I see those few short sentences on a new post, my heart flutters.
Keep strong, we all love you more than you can ever know.

Anonymous said...

Your blog is a huge inspiration for me! I know what you mean when you say that the emptiness is like a high, I just love it. I royal fucked up today but I'm hoping to do a water fast tomorrow and try to ween myself off of food for a little. I bought some clothes at the mall today but now I feel like a fat cow so I'm hoping that my new wardrobe will help motivate me.

Anonymous said...

I´ve just been twice at psiquiatrist´s. It didn`t work at all. But I am out now. I made it by myself, and some people who love me. No doctors. They don´t understand. Neither friends or family do, but at least, they love you. Probably I will never be completely recovered, as an alcoholic will never be either. However, it worths a lot being alive, enjoying life, with no scales.

Thanks, a lot.

Be strong.

Anonymous said...

amen on your second point. No one can show you how to get out of the woods who hasn't been lost in there themselves. Doctors, nurses, well meaning relatives will never study enough to GET that we're just fundamentally put together different. This is not just in our heads, but our very cells.

Missed your voice. Glad you are ok.

B said...

I've read your whole blog in just one day. Amazing. You're strength is inspiring. I've actually decided to start my own blog.
Thanks.

Fly high.

Anonymous said...

You're such an inspiration - and you were even while you were gone! I'm so glad you are back.

Anonymous said...

i admire your self control...something i never seem to have

yourmarchingsunshine2012 said...

I tried recovery last year.
And, I'm just too weak for it.
Please post often.
I really enjoy your blog[:
Good luck with everything!

Anonymous said...

I recovered for quite a while..... 10 years. But, I am back. I had 3 children and started losing weight just to look good. It started with healthy eating, then 1 hour of exercise, then 2 hours, then protein shakes only, then 400 cals a day. Well, I can't say I'm particularly thin either! My friends are all sooo impressed with my self control. They say "at your age you can only be so thin". But, frankly, it just infuriates me that I am still not truly thin. I did however find much thinspiration here. I can do it. I can stay strong. My fucked up metabolism really gets me down. Yet, the only way to lose weight is to cut back further. I actually find myself saying "just find that inner ana". Interesting mantra for a 36 year old mother of 3. I have vowed liquid fasting for the weekend, as weekends are my downfall (parties and entertaining - food and a bikini - yikes!). I vacillate between ana and mia. Always have.... I started around 7th grade. Sooo.... here we go again. Thanks for the thinspiration.

Mom

breathexintome said...

You are an inspiration.
&, i wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

It's sooo great to see you back! You're a big inspiration for me and I will keep my fingers crossed for your flight :)

Candy Audrina said...

I began to read your blog not too long ago, when I needed strength to pull through. I sat down at my laptop and read all of the posts, oldest to newest. They're so inspirational and I love how honest everything you say is.

The second bullet is so true. People will sit there and judge us, but they've never gone through it. When my mia started to be exposed to everyone I knew, I was called the "throwing up girl." I didn't care, though, because no one UNDERSTOOD. Any therapist will sit there and tell you, "I understand that you're going through a hard time and I'm here to help!" BULL. They're paid to sit there and tell you that you're full of crap. No joke, one therapist said that to me.

Anyhow, I'm glad you're back! You're a fantastic blogger.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say I recently found your blog and it comforts me that there are other people that are going through the same thing as me. I'm home for the summer and it's hard dealing with my parents as they constantly are trying to get me to eat. When I'm away at school it's easier for me to fast and keep the wonderful empty feeling in my stomach. Under the constant pressure of my parents I have since gained 10 lbs since being home. I feel so fat and disgusting when i look at myself in the mirror. I'm counting down the time I have left until i can go back to school. You are truly an inspiration to me. thank you

take care

Anonymous said...

how much did you weigh before you got sent to recovery? because you must have done a really good job sticking to your goals
good luck!

Anonymous said...

Glad you're back!
You are so right; people will never understand what ana is like unless they've gone through it themselves.
Stay strong and fly high <3

Anonymous said...

i love your blog

Nancy Salazar said...

hi, i am writing a research paper on eating disorders (don't delete this comment just yet) and i came upon your blog. before this paper, i didn't realize how much of a disorder i myself struggled with. i saw the signs, but blew them off. so, i don't fully understand what you-and all the other ppl- are going through, but i know enough to tell you that God created you beautiful and in His image. i don't mean to sound corny, but it's true. it's when we realize that He created us individually that we start appreciating ourselves and our bodies. Don't hurt your body...

Mary said...

Hi there, I'm 32 and have never suffered an eating disorder. I am bipolar and have been hospitalized and played the game to get out. So I know what you are talking about there. I used to visit pro Ana sites many years ago and loved reading them. I've had a weight battle myself and regularly goto the gym. I feel shame when I put on weight.
I'm studying social work but it's a slow process because I recently had my third child. I want to help people like me and you. I don't want to force recovery on anyone but be able to be there for someone who wants to climb out of hell. Real life teaches you more than books and university ever could. Your writing is wonderful and your pain and suffering is blessing in disguise. If you survive this eating disorder the strength and lessons learnt and your ability to write will lead you to be a great healer. Your already a great healer. Good luck.

Tee Scientess said...

To the person who runs this destructive, selfish, blog:

As someone who was released from a treatment facility in november and struggles daily after having an ED for 10 years and almost DYING, i'm going to tell you a few things wrong about your statement:

1. An eating disorder is an eating disorder. It is the SAME problem. Just like Self Injury and Substance abuse. You are trying to kill something on the inside and you're doing it through food. Yes, you and I and people like us are afraid of inanimate objects. Who cares if it's Anorexia Bulimia Binge ED NOS Exercise or Pica, it's ALL compulsive.

2. Half the people who go into ed recovery programs as counselors are those who have HAD EDs. So yes, they understand. You are not alone You are not the only person with an Eating disorder. You are just too mentally disordered at this point to realize that. And selfish. It is NOT all about you. Unfortunately, when you're in your disorder, you cannot see that. Why? Because it's narcissistic and because you cannot form logical thoughts, relationships, or do any sort of creative work when you're with your Ed. And the sad thing? You already know this. You are INCAPABLE of forming any sort of connection with ANYONE because a) you currently have no emotions because of lack of food and b) because your disorder is consuming. So yes, you're being fake.

3. It is not about them HEALING you, it is about you HEALING yourself. You wasted your time and your parents money going into treatment if you're not going to do anything about it. It's selfish. Start working. Start looking at hope. Allow yourself to be FREE of your disorder you deserve that. Why are you hurting yourself? You are hurting the people who love you. And what happens if it's too late and you have no one? What then?

4. You talk about how the intervention made you "cry". Then do something. Motivate yourself. Stop being stubborn and find SOMETHING to grasp on. I suggest deleting your blog for one since you are just throwing yourself more into your disorder and your "come on girls who's with me for a 30 hour fast"? My opinion? Keep your DISORDER TO YOURSELF. Stop PUSHING it onto other people stop being SELFISH and trying to encourage people to harm themselves.

You are NOT worthless. You have to see that. You are BEAUTIFUL and DESERVING.

Oh P.s When you don't eat your brain shrinks. Which means already, you are losing brain matter. Fix that? Eat. The only way to EVER be happy is to be HEALTHY.

Hold onto that thought and stop cheating yourself by making fucked up excuses.

Stay STRONG and no I don't mean by STARVING I MEAN BY KICKING YOUR DISORDER TO THE CURB.

Anonymous said...

I am truly inspired by your amazing self control. Honestly, I would not even consider myself ana because I find that I can only hold onto a fast for five days before I fall back into the black hole of food. Sometimes I truly disgust myself. My problem is though that my parents threaten me all the time about losing too much weight. I'm planning on going to college this year but my parents warned me that if I lost too much weight that is not going to happen. So I'm basically stuck. I either have to give up my future or my sanity and happiness. Reading your blog really helps me sort things out. Please, please start writing again!

Anonymous said...

What I hate, I absolutely HATE, is when a nurse or someone will give some fake shit like "I used to be anorexic".. When it's completely obvious they haven't. They try to make it seem like they've been in our shoes so we'll have faith in treatment. I find it so appalling, offensive, and down right disgusting when they say these things. It just gives me one more reason why I shouldn't trust them. Lies.

Tiny said...

Anna - you are a wonderful person. I really like your blog and what you write. I found your blog a lot of useful and interesting information for me. I am very glad that you are. continue to write more. I'm interested to be your reader.

Anonymous said...

"No amount of study and research will qualify you ti 'understand' until you've lived through it," I've been addicted and I've been starvinf and I see epole studdying addiction and ED's to become nurses or social workers and I don't know if I want to laugh or puke. Truer words haven't been spoken.

Anonymous said...

I completely understand, i just got out of a 6 month stay in a treatment center. There were a whole mess of over weight nurses and therapists saying what they "understood" what i was thinking. It was incredibly annoying.