Sunday, January 4, 2009

I've missed you guys every day. I never stopped thinking about getting back to this blog.

In mid-November I was invited to a "birthday party" that turned out to be an intervention. I was sent home for six weeks, no work allowed, to focus on "getting healthy." I gained weight, and they let me go the day after New Years.

I haven't weighed myself yet, but I'm fucking exploding out of my old clothes and I hate it. I'm back in NY now, but I don't know where I'll go from here.

But I went thru the comments right now. I missed you guys, I really did. I miss ana. I just don't know where I want to go from here. Forgive me.

66 comments:

writtengirl said...

I'm so glad you're back.
This blog is an absolute inspiration. You've given me strength, so STAY STRONG! I hope you're doing ok x

Anonymous said...

Do whatever makes you happy- You'll have support no matter what your choice.

take your time, we wish you the very best.

Rach-ums said...

Hope you are doing well. I've enjoyed reading your blog but didn't comment as I wasn't sure if you'd get it. You are a great writer! Good luck and take care.

jacqueline said...

Hey there :]
Your blog is so inspiring, I read it every time I feel like this life we live isn't worth it anymore. Your perseverence is beautiful.
You may not know where to go now but I know you'll make the right decision. Whether you decide to stay healthy or return to Ana, it will all work out in the end.

xoxo

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog since this past september. I checked nearly everyday for updates after your intervention/sabbatical because I find your blog so inspiring and real. I stopped checking some time last month and for the hell of it decided to check back today. Crazy coincidence. I'm glad you are back and doing well.

best of luck!

Anonymous said...

You have done nothing for which we must forgive you. Glad you stuck your head in to say hello. We miss you and worry.

Take care. You'll figure out where to go from here. Just please take care.

C

Pro_Ana_MoDel said...

just wanted to say once again that you are my insparation... No matter what you choose i hope it will work out for you... Never give up hope.... love ya... x x x

Anonymous said...

Glad you are back. I was worried something worse had happened to you. We will love you no matter what you decide.

Ana said...

I love your blog...i find you such an inspiration to me.
ive been ana for about 3 years now. i was caught out like you when i was at one of my lowest weights and was sent to doctors etc. but im ana again an i always will be. keep rockin girl, your an inspiration to loads of us anas out there.

xxx

Lola-rose said...

OMG im so glad your ok, i was really worried. I've checked back virtually everyday. I love your blog so much - ive never commented before but ive read every entry.

My family created an intervention too ... it felt like the ultimate act of betrayal

I hope you find yourself in there, you sound scared and confused ... but it sounds like you have people that love and care about you.

Best of luck for 2009, you are an amazing inspiring person

Love Lola

xxxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

whatever you do, you'll always have our support :)

K said...

I'm sorry

Anonymous said...

Your blog has been my inspiration for a while now and I have been concerned that there hadn't been any news for so long - I am so happy you are back. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, what a rollercoaster emotions. Just so you know, many people think and care about you, there is no need to ask forgiveness xx
Stay strong from
A believer

Anonymous said...

Glad you are back. Keep it up girl, I'm sure ana will find a way to forgive you and be on your side again. Good luck

Anonymous said...

Were glad your back! We missed you! Please keep us posted. ~thinkthin

star said...

on the "plus" side(ok haha bad sarcasm), your metabolism now must be sky-rocketing, so you will probably drop weight at a faster rate than before and you will soon be right on track!

Wraith said...

Aww, that really sucks. I don't know what to say. We missed you too.

Anonymous said...

Come back.

Caidy said...

Aw thanks for coming back. I really hope that you continue to post.. even if you choose not to keep ana in your life. Do what is best for you :)

Rizu said...

I've missed your blog so much, please please stay, no matter which way you go. Do whats healthy for you. Alot of us who read care more about you then just inspiration about being a anarexic. Let us know how your doing. Much love mon chou!

Rose said...

I'm so glad you're back. I checked your blog so often hoping you had come back. I hope you're ok now. Stay strong, you can do it. We are all behind you.

rose xx

Anonymous said...

No forgiveness needed. Take your time and be true to what you really want and desire. Everyone who reads your blog will support you in whatever direction your life takes.

Angie said...

I am SO glad you're back! I have been checking in and I just can't believe you're back. You need to fill us in on everything!

Anonymous said...

:-( I'm sorry, that must be so hard. I hope you can get back to working (because you love your job so much) and that life works itself out for you.

We love you and we're here for you if you ever need the support.

Anonymous said...

aaah i missed you too! if you come back to ana i support you, and if you wanna get better i support you.


- a fan

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to see that you're still around. I'm sorry to hear that you had an intervention though. All I can say is, do what makes you happy. If you need to keep to yourself to hide what you're doing and lie to people and tell them you're working out and eating healthy then do it.
I too have to tell people every day that I eat and that I just like to eat healthy. Occasionally eating for them to feel better about me and then avoid them for a few days to fast it off. It's easier for me though since I live alone and have a short list of friends.
I found and started reading your blog during winter break and got addicted to it, reading whenever I got the chance. Your writing is powerful and I feel like I know you and I totally understand what you're going through. I'm sure everyone hopes you continue to keep us updated on your struggles and successes. I'll be checking back shortly.
Good luck to you and remember, do what makes you happy, don't try to please others and suffer through it. Life is too short to live unhappy.

Anonymous said...

Okay, you know what's strange? I'm not even ana but I was FREAKING OUT when you stopped writing for a while. I kept checking this site to see if you'd written, and finally i got my wish!

I personally think you're amazing. You give hope and courage to so many girls out there who are "Dying To Be Thin." Like I said, I'm not ana, but I always take your blogs and gain inspiration for things that I am going through in life. You are so itelligent and you never let people persuade you into doing something you don't want to do.

Where there's a will, there's a way. Stay focused, gorgeous. You'll get everything you want, all in good time.

And it will be better than you ever imagined it.

-KT

Anonymous said...

I've missed you so much. I've been really worried about you. Don't let them try to break your relationship with ana. She can give you anything you want. :( Follow your heart.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about the intervention. I hope you are all right. I've been reading your blog for a long time and hope only the best for you, no matter what that may be!

L said...

oh Ana I'm so happy to see you back! I hope you're doing well and decide to do what is best for you. I hope to see you posting lots more!!

- L

Anonymous said...

DO NOT APOLOGIZE. You didn't know that they were going to do that to you. I'm very glad that you are back. I've used your blog as some thinspo and have lost weight. You inspire me. I'm sorry that they did that. They just don't understand. I kind of knew that something like that had happened. I figured that the only reason was because someone sprung a treatment on you. Whatever. The point is: I'm glad to see you back. Whether you choose to get "healthy", or stick with Ana, I'll be here. We all will.

<3 Kate

Anonymous said...

i was wondering ! i have never commented before , but i keep you bookmarked. Whatever you decide , i wish you well ...

Anonymous said...

It is such a hard thing. Wanting to go back so your old clothes fit again versus sticking to the recovery minded things you've recently been through.

I wish I had an easy answer to give you, only that you aren't alone. EDs are the cruelest and worst kind of lovers. Even when we want to kick them to the curb, they never leave completely.

xoxo

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you are still around. I thought maybe you wouldn't write on here again. I understand your indecision though. I hope you do what you think is right.

Anonymous said...

Was worried about you. Glad to know you're alive and well. I enjoy reading your posts and you've been so inspirational to my own weight loss journey, and I wish all the best for you, no matter where you go from here. Finding that balance between healthy and happy is hard for all of us.

Anonymous said...

We were worried about you, I'm glad you're alright if just a little fluffy.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back. I'm glad you are okay. Your blog is so moving and well-written. I respect your intelligence and your choices, but I was scared for you when you didn't post for so long.

Ally said...

Aw hun its okay. Im here for you
I am so sorry they did that to you! you'll figure out what you want, it'll take some time, but you'll know

much love
and stay strong
xoxo

Ally said...

So glad you're "ok", interventions suck :( Studies have actually shown that they tend to make things worse!

Be strong in whatever your choice :)

Kat said...

Aww I'm sorry babe! Interventions suck! I'll be prayin for you to figure out where to go. Ana will welcome you back if you so choose to return. :)

~Kat

Abby said...

I found your blog on google and wanted to send you a smile. It sounds like you've had a tough few months and hopefully you can get to a more comfortable place soon :)

I'm exploding out of my old clothes too, and it's so frustrating to put on a favorite shirt or favorite jeans only to have it be so damn tight!

Take care :)

Anonymous said...

Hi
Forgive you - there is nothing to forgive honey.
Look after yourself.
take care xx

annaevans1 said...

OMG!!! Can't believe ur family treated u like a baby lik that!!! I cud understand if u were so weak from malnutrition that u cudnt function properly, but u seam fine in ur blogs. (They're absolutely fantastic by the way, and SO inspirational)

Plz remember that u have nothing to ask any of us for forgivness for. We cannot look to u for support and help unless we are prepared to do the same for u. We are ur family and the ones who TRULY know who u are deep in ur soul. May the world see u as we do. A beautiful corageous person, who knows that to be thin, slinky and happy, we must work hard and force the control that brings calm and order back into our chaotic lives.

I have spent a long time looking for good pro Ana chat room sites but cannot find any that aren't either broken or which aren't accepting any more people. Can u plz plz help me???

Ur friend
Love
Think_Thin_Anna
xxxxx

dc said...

don't give up on what you believe in.

lovelypierre said...

Oh wow, I just found your blog, read it from the start and I love it. It is so refreshing to hear from somebody with an ED who isn't moping about it. I'm a member of a couple of supposedly pro-ana forums (I don't know how you feel about the pro-ana phenomenon, I know it isn't well-liked but whatevz) and everyone is always just whining about how much they hate not eating and how much they want a bite of dinner and blah, blah, blah... So yeah, someone not doing that is refreshing. Reading something that's well-written, also refreshing. This is longer than it was supposed to be - I basically just hope you come back and let us know what's going on, even if you only come back once to say you're never coming back. I hope you're okay.

9uy said...

Fascinating blog, stay strong!

Crstina said...

You don't have to apologize. The crossroads suck. And you have given strength to a lot of people, I can only speak for myself, but I am sure more people will agree. I am not going to say anything about Ana, I m in the same crossroad of where to go. And this has helped me, and know that there is people willing to listen to you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Ana,

You are STILL Ana. Don't let anyone break your spirit, ok? You have MANY friends here, and out in the world, Ana. You're an amazing writer, and a THINspiration to so many of us. I feel it was a gift to find your blog, I really do.

STAY strong, and please know so many of us are here for you.

Ana, you're SCINTILLATING, girl!

Anonymous said...

It's great that you're back.
You're such an inspiration to me so please don't stop writing. Stay strong!
-A

Anonymous said...

Do what you need to do...

Ana can't give you everything you want but it will never leave you. Just know that you have support from alot of people for whom your blog is an ispiration or helps through difficult times. xxx

Anonymous said...

Your blog is an inspiration to us all.
Thank you so much.
x

Anonymous said...

be strong and stay healthy.. you know is the right choice, ana has been a chapter in your life but its time to move on and actually enjoy life, it wont be easy but it will be worth it.. stay healthy

Anonymous said...

You are an inspiration! I've been struggling with maintaining a healthy weight for years. I got sucked into the whole you-should-enjoy-life/food-or-you're-just-depriving-yourself thing. Now I weigh the most I have every weighed in my life and I'm just depressed. Looking for help tonight I typed into google "one good reason to be thin" and your blog came up. Reading it was like an epiphany! I realised the only times in my life that I have really been happy are when I was weighing myself every day and I was thinner than the day before, when I could wear the smallest-sized clothes in my wardrobe, when friends told me I was getting "too thin" (which you know just means they are jealous). I feel so much better after reading your blog and realising that there are people out there who think like me and find the same people beautiful. Thank you so much.

Baisley said...

Hey. Sorry that that happened to you. I can't imagine how attacked you must have felt. Nothing hurts more than looking into the mirror and realizing your face is fatter than it was yesterday. On these days I try my hardest to stay home, people can't see me like this. Nothing sucks more than struggling to button your favorite pair of jeans. Remember when you lost enough weight to fit into them? They are more than just a pair of jeans. They are a trophy and they remind you of a time when you worked hard to reach a goal. When you triumphed over your body's natural yearn for food. Remember that pride? I hate that feeling of fullness in your stomach that aches to ride up and out your throat. Your body is used to it. You've trained yourself to want to purge, to need it. Keeping it down feels the same as holding back tears, in fact you may be holding back tears. You tell yourself you can't give in. The people you love want this for you, you cant betray them... I hate knowing that I told myself that I ate to please these people. I ate for them, to lesson their worries... But is that really why? Did that carb infused spagetti really look all that disgusting? Did I not want to sit with the people I love and exchange stories over a meal that my mother had lovingly prepared without feeling that overwhelming guilt. Without hearing that little voice that screams "YOU ARE A FAT COW. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?".. Do I not want to be happy and normal? I eat the spagetti and it tastes so fucking good that i have 2 servings and it feels so fucking right that i douce it in sauce. I push that little voice to the farthest corner of my brain. I laugh, I smile. I'm normal.


I go home. It's to late to purge. I cry myself to sleep. Tomorrow I'll be good. Tomorrow I won't eat.

Anonymous said...

i too was faced by an intervention but ended up in hospital for 3 months under 'medically compromised'...im not fully cured and since have fluctuated with my weight to lows of almost being re-admitted and then almost returning to an 'average' weight (this is my 4th year with ana). it drives me crazy but i think what needs to eventually be realised is that ana is a means of coping and controling. you don't choose her, she creeps in and sometimes becomes a friend yet can be the greatest foe...my aim, to get back to my admission weight without any intervention. im almost legal and therefore cannot be forced into treatment after that point.

i suppose i'm writting this to remind you that yes, ana is a comfort but it is also a living hell. i dream of the day i accept myself and the monster i am. no one wants to live life of complete self loathing...why is everyone else so content?? lets hope we can all eventually get to that point when we're ready. the key thing is, you have to be ready...it can't be forced...good luck, thinking of you and everyone out there...

Joey said...

Honey!
We are here to support you!

Scissors said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You just have hated it. Still,at least nobody can complain now about you loosing. Keep it up, you inspire people all over the world!

sknnygrrrl said...

I am anorexic. I love being thin. Alll day everytime i eat it freaks me out stay stong for your own good i have hurt my family and friends and i deeply regret it.

katy said...

im soo sry but im sure u'll make whatever decision u find best for urself stay strong sweetie we all believe in u

Anonymous said...

hey guys! im new to this blog but i honestly completely understand what your going through love. i was down to about 98 lbs at 5'6 and i LOVED IT! i woke up one day to my entire family and group of friends in my room telling me to get up. i went into the living room and two strange women were there telling me i had a prolem n needed help. so to get everyone off my back and tokeep from being 411ed i started eating in front of ppl. unfortunately i started to binge eat and couldnt help it so i was at about 130 and sick about it. ive tried to get back at it again but its so hard. ive been doing better and now im at like 120. next month i hope to be at110 n so on and so on. i love that other ppl want to be thin and have control over it cause in the end we decide what to do with our livesand bodies. were doin this for us and no one else so stay strong. you said you dont no where to go from here and thats what i felt like 2 weeks ago but deep down you know what to do. its all in your head. remember, you did it before you can do it again. once you start dieting again, after like the first two weeks, is so easy again! i dont even think about food anymore, just how excited i am that i'm back to my old ways, getting back to the body i loved! if you think about it like that, yoll be fine. get past the first two weeks and the rest is easy! and soon, you'll be right back where you want to be! love you guys, im here for you whenever! STAY THIN BEAUTIFULS!

Anonymous said...

we are still here for you. its been a while but still on our minds. hope you update soon.

dying to be kate said...

Are you still around ?

Anonymous said...

ummm hello :) this is my first time on one of these site, i'm not sure but i think i am ana.I only eat one piece of bread and half my dinner everyday.i am very tiny and all my friends comment on how skinny i am and some say i'm to skinny :(
But the thing is i want to be skinnyer,?
i wont wear anything witch is above a size 6 and mainly were chirldrens clothes because i dont properly fir into adluts.
I havent had a normal child hood and i feel like starving myself makes me feel incontroll of something.
I just asking for a little advise,??
and i wish all of you the best of luck in future :D
x

neverenoughever said...

I understand...my friends want me to be healty.
I want to be thin. help:/ your inspirational.

Anonymous said...

im trying to loose weight so badly, but its so hard to resist caving in on my mini-fasts. every day (especially at school) i skip breakfast and lunch, only eating dinner. on weekends its hard, but i keep busy. this blog has helped me stay strong when i've felt like giving up, which i know i'll never do anyways. thanks all of you guys for your support! stay strong huN!

Anonymous said...

come back with ana, we miss you