Sunday, July 19, 2009

After a very stressful few weeks, and a very naughty weekend, I am feeling quite... (how shall we say) unqualified to fit into my skinny jeans this week.

So, now that I feel like a lot of the heat has let off, it's time for a good old-fashioned FAST. Just a little one, to see if anyone notices. It's 6 pm here on the east coast, and I have a party to go to tonight, followed by 2 auditions tomorrow, and another party tomorrow night. Evenings are usually my gym-time, so without an outlet for my persistent anxiety, I feel like I'd rather control my food intake if I can't get a grip on my energy output.

To keep eyebrows from raising, I'm going to try to keep pushing the fluids, keeping a drink of some kind with me at all times, to give an illusion of intake. However, I will try to keep these calorie counts down as well. Mostly water, maybe a little bit of VitaminWater, a sip or two of soymilk for breakfast, and coke zero if I MUST have caffeination. But no food. Until at least midnight tomorrow (Monday night).

I'm already anticipating the high!! And looking forward to telling ya'll how it went. God, I hope I get away with this. Depending on how it goes, who knows what I might do after this?

Who's fasting with me? 30 hours food-free! Let's do it! Think beautiful thoughts, girls! XOXO!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I've been reading Marya's book again. The last time I read it, it triggered me into a summer of long-term fasts (lost 20 pounds in 3 months), so I'm wondering what will happen to me now that "I've been rehabilitated." It's such a wonderful account of her journey. Those of you who've commented that you enjoy reading my stuff, I HIGHLY recommend you read this book. She's a fucking fantastic writer. She's a freakin' phenom, and I aspire to be her one day.

I'm not in ana-mode right now. No. Not that I don't want to. I've been back out on my own for several months now, but I'm still not entirely sure that I'm not being watched. But I can see the ana creeping back in. I'm back to my daily routine-making, gaining control. I've been having a bowl of cereal for breakfast (300 cals), a salad for lunch (440 cals), and a latte for dinner (260 cals), followed by 8-10 miles at the gym (950 cals) every day for the past few weeks. Some days work has gotten in the way, and I've had to switch to have the latte for lunch and the salad for dinner. And weekends are way harder when I'm out with friends. But for the most part I've been able to stick to it.

I'm not weighing myself. The scale is in the bathroom, and it's a struggle in my head every morning deciding whether to look or not. I don't want to know. I just know that I'm not even close to my all-time low weight, so I know I'll hate myself and relaspe for sure if I look. I'm scared to look. But I'm dying to know. I hate myself.

A little bit of trauma in my life lately. Same boy who left me for "fat cow", then broke up with her in November just shortly after I got sent away, then tried to get back with me when I got out... hasn't talked to me for about 3 months. I was ok with that. Until last week when he randomly decided to call me up for dinner, only to let me know that he'd met another girl and he's going to marry her. (SFX bomb-drop) Not that I ever really expected to marry him, but shit. Who decides to marry someone after only 3 or 4 dates? Apparently he does.

So yeah, that's been a little bit triggering. Had a helluva 11-mile run at the gym that night. But unfortunately that tipped me over the edge: I twisted my right hip and it's been aggravated since, keeping me from going to the gym the past 5 days. So trauma is just that much more... shitty.

I hate this life. Why do I bother to persist?

Monday, June 15, 2009

Anorexic Identical Twins Get Intervention

"I'd rather starve than be fat," says 22-year-old Julia. But at 5-foot-7-inches and 95 lbs., the frail girl is compared by her Polish parents to survivors of Auschwitz.

Julia's story was featured on last week's episode of our favorite reality show, A&E's "Intervention." As a young teen, when Julia developed earlier than her identical twin, she began exercising to lose weight.

Her sister, Sonia (three minutes younger and 3 inches shorter) who'd clung to her newfound identity as "the thin twin" followed suit.

A Deadly Pact
The girls' sisterly competition soon gnarled into a shared eating disorder. When the show was shot, the twins consumed about 300 calories a day, counted each others' steps to guarantee they burned equal calories and weighed their food before eating it, counting each piece of rice.

They also had a pact that they'd always weigh within 3 lbs. of each other. "I don't feel like we're two people sometimes," says Sonia. "We're one person." (Click here to see the full episode.)
I cried more at this show than I did at my own intervention. Thank God my Dad was not like theirs. My Dad is a little more gruff and forceful. He thinks he can demand sense from me, and he doesn't let his compassion show. And I know how to cower and look obedient, so there weren't a whole lot of tears, just acknowledged "submission."

Now that I've been (about a month ago) released from recovery, I am working on composing my thoughts for you guys to fill you in on just what happened and where I am now, emotionally and psychologically. I did a lot of lying in treatment, so I think my brain's a little screwed up, a) from being disordered, b) from lying so much. It's hard to tell which way is truly north. But stay tuned, I'll have it all figured out and posted for you soon.

Starve on.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

What did I learn during my time in "recovery"?

  • I like to thoroughly examine both sides of a story before making my own judgement. I know what Ana Bella is going through, why she thinks the way she does. I know what Mia Jessica's distorted reflection looks like in her eyes. Those connections make us kin in a way no other relationship can connect people.

  • For all their years and years of research and development, doctors, nurses, and therapists will NEVER understand the disordered mind if they have never lived it themselves. It appalls me to hear them say, "I understand what you're telling me..." Nothing infuriates me faster. No amount of study and research will qualify you to "understand" until you've lived through it.

  • I have a new respect for the self-control of my tongue, as well as self-control of my weight. I can retrain my mind and body to learn to play any game for a little while, tell you what you think you want to hear, show you what you think you want to see, if it gets me to my end. I can make you believe you have "healed" me. And I can be set free.

    I am free now. I believe I am ready to fly again.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Can I just vent for a fucking moment?

I was not allowed to leave my recovery program until I was a "healthy" 120 lbs.

Tonight, the "Biggest Loser" was awarded $250,000 for being 117 lbs.

What the FUCK is wrong with this picture????

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I've gotten down to eating only 2 meals a day (breakfast and dinner), and I've been allowed to go back to the gym three or four times a week. I'm down 6 pounds.

It's not ana, but at least it's in the right direction.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I've missed you guys every day. I never stopped thinking about getting back to this blog.

In mid-November I was invited to a "birthday party" that turned out to be an intervention. I was sent home for six weeks, no work allowed, to focus on "getting healthy." I gained weight, and they let me go the day after New Years.

I haven't weighed myself yet, but I'm fucking exploding out of my old clothes and I hate it. I'm back in NY now, but I don't know where I'll go from here.

But I went thru the comments right now. I missed you guys, I really did. I miss ana. I just don't know where I want to go from here. Forgive me.