Monday, October 13, 2008

Yesterday had ups and downs. But after the entire weekend, I'm down two pounds. woo. I'm not thoroughly excited, because I wish it had been five. But at least I'm down.

The film festival was pretty intense. Luckily, I wasn't in the direct limelight, as I wasn't there to promote my own movie, but rather to support another movie that my co-star was also in. Even so, my entire day was OBSESSED with my looks. All week I've been restricting hard and fasting every other day to prepare for this. From the moment I woke up at 8 AM I started working on hair, makeup, dress, nails, jewelry, the works... And even AT the festival, even though my movie was not the highlight, there were of course tons of photographers eager to take my picture in anticipation of its release. So even though I didn't go to be in the spotlight, I was. Ugh.

It's really exhausting. Being famous is SO not my bag. I cherish my anonymity. My co-star on the other hand... he was born into celebrity (his dad and brother are famous too), so he's used to this. He aced the day like a pro which left me feeling... ugh, I love my job and hate my career.

The outfit I chose to wear was satisfactory. I liked the way I looked for the most part, except I still wish to reduce the size of my hips and arms. But my boobs looked good, my stomach looked flat, and I had some KILLER hot heels on. Hopefully the shoes and the face/hair kept the attention away from my less-than-perfect body parts in the red carpet pics.

After the festival, a bunch of the cast and crew from my movie went out together for "drinks" (which also included table appetizers). I was the only one who neither ate nor drank (only 4 glasses of ice water, because the damned server was so lazy she never seemed to notice when I emptied the glass). And while this is the same crew who constantly chastized me for not eating on the set during shooting (six months ago) no one said anything to me at dinner! Ugh! Which just confirms to me what I already know is true... I'm not as scary-thin as I was in the movie.

In fact, it is true. I currently weigh five pounds more than I did during filming. And with only about 2 1/2 months to go before we start premiering this film next January, I wanna lose not only that five, but at least another five. Ten pounds in 10 weeks should be feasible.

I came home from the festival feeling pretty damned depressed about myself. I hated myself so much that I nearly stopped for a fast food binge, but ana helped me keep going. Good thing, because when I got home, my roommates were having a surprise birthday party for another mutual friend of ours, and I was served a sizeable helping of pumpkin dessert topped with whip cream.

This is where my day started to turn around. Why was >I< given the biggest piece? Now, my roommates surely have noticed that my designated shelf on the fridge holds mainly juices and waters, and very little food lately. They haven't said anything to me directly, but they sure were watching to see if I'd resist eating the dessert. Still in acting mode, I dove straight in and complimented the chef several times, making lots of yummy sounds and even scraping the plate with my fork at the end. That seemed to calm them substantially. They didn't need to know it was the ONLY thing I'd eaten all day.

But sitting around later, the talk turned in such a way I nearly laughed out loud. My one friend "M" is six months pregnant, and we were having a lively discussion about how she's feeling lately, etc. (My other friend "J" is a midwife.) We were discussing how much weight she's gained or lost, comparing it to the reports of other celebs, etc. J, the midwife, tells a story about one woman she knew who actually lost about 30 lbs throughout her pregnancy, and still came out healthy. My friend "S" launches into a rabbit-trail, and for some reason pumps up his volume about a notch and a half. The first line was, "Well, when someone starves themself..." and the entire room fell completely silent!

Hello! 500-lb. gorilla standing here! Please... go on!

"...not saying that anyone HERE starves themselves... ahem..." as he hastily shifts his eyes to every single person in the room to alleviate any invisible pointed fingers. He went on into a tirade about the loss of muscle mass instead of fat, etc., blah, blah, blah...

I could have died laughing!!! But I kept my cool. (Ligeia, your comment couldn't have been more perfectly timed!) So it's suddenly clear to me that before I arrived home tonight, these four probably had a chat about me and my eating habits lately. Maybe they're even concerned. Ha. Good for them.

And after our guests had left for the evening, and I'm helping J clean up the kitchen, she mentions that we're thinking of having another small dinner party/girls' night in about 2 weeks. So it's now clear to me that these parties at our house are clearly attempts to get me to eat. Ha!!!

Well, as long as it's only once every 2 weeks or so, I can plan around that. :)

So overall, last week was a good week. Fasted every other day, and got two more lbs off of me. My pants are beginning to fit loose again, and I went shopping on Saturday to find some tops that fit, but loosely, so I can hide any further weight losses.

I love this game. I love this lifestyle. I think I really like this new trend I've started without even planning it that way: fasting every other day. I can see myself getting back towards plans like the 34-day fast I did last year. In fact... be continued


Ana-matronic said...

I just joined Blogger but I've been reading your blog pretty religiously for the past few weeks. I am trying to break into the business, and you inspire me to push through the pain in order to reach my goals as an actress. Thank you!

Mei said...

I absolutely LOVE your blog. Your blog is the reason I started my own.

Every post I can completely relate to, but at the same time I aspire to because you are JUST SO FREAKING DISCIPLINED!

I don't know how you do it, you must be gorgeous!

I'm sure you looked absolutely fabulous at the film festival.

Two pounds in a weekend is great! I can never lose that much...I wish I could lose two pounds :(

Stay strong, starve on and keep on posting! You keep me going strong.

I hope you're able to survive your friends' efforts as well. Best of luck with that and with everything!


Anonymous said...

how do you cope with cravings, I'm struggling and need help. thanks

L said...

As always - you inspire me Ana. when i find myself losing sight of my end goal, i reread your blog and it puts everything back into perspective. Please continue to post - you are my thinspiration!

hugs -

Anonymous said...

Just discovered your blog and have been reading avidly- it's such a pleasure to find another pro-ana who is, additionally, such an eloquant and entertaining person! Stay strong, you've given me strength today, thank you!


Ligeia said...

haha-- love the big elephant comment. that's like when my friend tried to tell me about how she used to "get sick" a lot--she wasn't trying to, of course--but she still made a point to talk about how bad it messes up your body. Though I am no professional actress, I am the QUEEN of playing dumb to avoid confrontation or unpleasant yeah, I know how to handle it, but it's funny to see how delicate they are about these things.

don't get too discouraged. May not be five, but it's two and as long as your good, it won't be long til you've reached the five you originally you know.

I've been up and down, but still staying on the side of just a pound or two underweight. i've got a *huge* event coming up---like Milestone huge-- so i need to make sure i look *perfect* not bloaty, but not hollow eyed and *strikingly* boney. I start to look scary when the bmi falls below 18--just at it is okay though. 17.4 is just too low--and though I only half believe that (if that), the big day is about how others are going to see me--not how I will see myself. Judging from my pics last weekend, if I maintain, I should be okay.

Good luck with your goals darlin'! It's a rough profession when cameras add lbs and thin wins parts, but you've got some AWESOME self-control. you can do it lady!

Anonymous said...

i really need someone to look up to
++ i think i've found her! =]
you're amazing
but can i ask you a question?
i weigh 105 pounds
and my target weight (for now at least) is 90 punds

NatUK said...

I have just started reading your blog, it's fab!! Can't wait to hear more. Nat x

Anonymous said...

Your blog is amazing, love love love it!! urgently need your help the hell do you prevent fainting and spasming? It's happened twice this week in class and I know people already have their suspicions. I always eat a little something (80-100cals) before a dance session so my body can cope, but it clearly can't! I'm so frustrated as I can't even continue a class after a faint and then not only have I eaten, but missed out on the rest of the workout and raised eyebrows in the process!!!

Please help me!

Indigo said...

you are such an inspiration to me. im down to 99!

when i weighed myself, i had to run straight to my room and examine myself in the mirror, of course. but i still looked disgusting. 90 is my new goal.

do you know any good ways of pretending to eat? my mom is starting to get worried and sticks around to make sure im eating.

DisplayName?:) said...

thinspiration, thank you :)


erika fel. said...

i used to be 250 im embarassed to say im in the fashion industry as well and the looks that i got from everyone were always so hurtful. since reading your blog and i thank you very much for acknowledging that eating is just to crave an oral fixation, it is true i started taking diet pills on top of vigirous exercise coupled with water and gum chewing and the occassional spoonful of brown rice a vegetable and a fruit sometimes ive lost 100 lbs so far and i love you for it im 5'11 and im 150 now i still look like a beast my goal is 120 by the new year and i know i can do it and 110 by valentines day. i love you so much for bringing us anas together.

Anonymous said...

Erika fel
YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!
you can do it !
i believe in you. those pounds are going to melt off.

Kaede said...

I love that way of life too, but sometimes it's just too hard... Ana haven't left me since 3 years, I think. It's been 3 days I didn't eat; it doesn't miss me but I feel like killing myself right now. We have to save ourselves, I guess if I continue my health will be even more crap, I can't even imagine myself in hospital ><


Anonymous said...

i just found your blog and you. i can relate - i feel like every time i'm at the dinner table every ones eyes are on my plate and trying to make me eat more. LOL not happening sorry bye....

Anonymous said...

you're so inspiring! I'm kinda new to the whole ana thing but whenever i need some thinspo i just look to your blog, it always gets me through the day, thx!