Friday, October 17, 2008

Let's just say I hate myself right now.

Two days on the set, two days I expected to fast, and two days failed. My greatest weakness is wanting to please my directors, not raise any eyebrows, not draw any attention to my personal life. And that means when lunch is called, as much as I would love to come up with good excuses, I don't make a fuss, and I eat.

On Wednesday I had a slice of pizza and about a cup of chicken caesar salad. On Thursday I had a 6" sub sandwich. Both days the director actually *checked on me* to make sure I had eaten. Who tipped him off? My agent? My manager? Another actor? WTF? Leave me the fuck alone!

And on the inside, I'm screaming, "Seriously? Ok, making me eat is one thing, but could you at least bring something HEALTHY? Jesus!" The array of sandwiches included one with ham, one with turkey, and one vegetarian, but they were all on white bread. Ugh. Beyond it's unhealthiness, I don't even like the taste of white bread anymore. But it's either that or nothing, and if I eat nothing, the director will report back to my agent, who will call my doctor, who will try to sit me down for another talk, blah, blah, blah. So I had a vegetarian one, ugh.

To make matters worse, both days I was released from set at 9 pm, and I got home only 1/2 hour before the gym closed, so I didn't even have a shot at working them off. And I'm back up 3 pounds. In just two days - how the hell does that happen?

So now I'm up to 13 pounds that I want to lose in the next 30 days. Thank God I'm starting with a 3-day weekend right now. Today would normally be my religious fast, but I'm not going to lie to God. This isn't a fast to gain enlightenment, it's a fast to lose weight. That's the truth. Today, really all I have on my mind is losing these three pounds, and hopefully 2 more before the weekend is over.

So I've decided to do my first 3-day fast this weekend. Today I'll limit myself to water only, and a helluva workout tonight. Saturday and Sunday I'll allow myself whatever liquids I want, but no food at all. And as much movement as I can without being too noticeable.

I hate myself, I hate my fat self. 13 pounds in 30 days. God, I've got to get it off of me. I can't let anything stop me.


hurts_so_good said...

"wanting to please my directors, not raise any eyebrows, not draw any attention to my personal life. And that means when lunch is called, as much as I would love to come up with good excuses, I don't make a fuss, and I eat."

And let's be honest, in your business you HAVE to pretend that your personal life is just hunky-dory and you have to please your directors, lest ye be labelled 'difficult to work with' which is career suicide for an actress. I'm sorry for your unfortunate situation. Stay strong beautiful, you can do this. You HAVE done this. You've already lost the 13 pounds, you just have to wait the 30 days out to prove it!

Anonymous said...

You can do it. Just work really hard and try to keep focused. :D -Kate

hey.hana said...

Don't feel bad.

Every day that I work at the bakery, I end up eating a little bit of SOMETHING I don't really want before I become disgusted and throw it out. I'm surprised they haven't fired me for taking a bite and throwing out so many muffins, bagel, bundt cakes, etc.

The point is, I'm DONE with this weakness, and I'm going to fast this weekend if it kills me. Nothing but water on Saturday n Sunday.

Knowing you're out there resisting the same temptation will ((hopefully)) help me stay AWAY from the grossness.

Maybe caffeine pills will help,

anyhow. Keep up the effort, keep off the weight, and keep blogging!

x Hana

CamCam said...

That would give me so much anxiety to have people watching me like that. Ugh, I'm sorry. :( Good luck! Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

Wow...I am so so happy to finally find someone that understands me...people don't understand how important it is to be thin and to look good. They don't get that we are willing to do anything in our power to remain in control of our body. It is our body! While the fat ones will get bigger and bigger, we will be skinnier than ever. Thanks for your page and all of your tips, it is truly inspiring. Eyes on the prize, gotta look our best. We will. Gorgeous and skinny forever, that's what this is about!!

I also have a question; how often do you work out and what is your work out exactly? Thanks so much for your answer!

gettingthinsoon said...

good luck

Anonymous said...

You are so inspiring. Don't let these 3 pounds get you down too much. You are so strong & will get them off, I know you will. I wish you luck and strength. <3

DyingToBeThinGeorgii said...

I don't usually promote ED but I have an EDNOS but mostly trats of ANA and I get the need to be thin. I lost 4 pounds this week, next week more fasting, water, work out and I will not let my disguastic obese, 12st self let me down. Ive been 7st before aI'll damn well do it again. Good luck x

Imagine Starvation said...

i really hope you reply to me your ohhhh sooooo right aout what you say!!!
most people only feel the need to look good and be thin but i really love the sight of bones and would love to be down to say...7 stone at most im 17 please keep my page and me informed with tips!!!!!
and ohhh kkeep up the excellent work!

Anonymous said...

Try not to eat nothing. It just lowers your metabolism which is why you gained the weight back. Don't worry I'm not a hater I completly understand where your coming from. I've read just aboud every diet book on the planet and researched all the suplements.
I recommend reading "Diet for Dancers" seriously its a good book and has some great diet plans. Also "French women don't get fat" it has a great detox program where all you eat is leeks for a weekend (which have like no calories).
Also if you really want to do the whole diehard starcation thing, eat some celery becuase digesting it burns more calories than are in it.

And if you are really conserned with the food they serve on set, bring your own.

Also on starvation diets the first thing you lose is cleavage. Always take that into account.

Anonymous said...

if you want to lose weight do what the girl above me said.
it takes more calories to consume celery then you actually get from the celery itself.

that way, your keeping your metabolism up while losing fat/calories.

if you dont eat at all your body will go in to starvation mode and just store any fat/calories it can get the next time you eat.

i feel really, extemely bad for you girls. your gorgeous the way you are. holocaust survivors have more meat on their bones.

Anonymous said...

You may hate yourself, but i LOVE yourself

Anonymous said...

This is just my opinion, Ana, but u need help. Hopefully the calvary comes before you waste away and die from the disease like my big sister did 3 years ago. Everyday of my life, I wish I could bring her back. 3 years later and I still feel the loss as if she died just yesterday; we were very close up until the end when she started to push me away.

You know, in all your pursuits of perfection, you don't think about how your actions are affecting the people around you that love and care for you and that's pretty damn selfish if you ask me. Sorry if I sound angry. I guess these are all the things I wish I could say to her.

Just understand that everyone around you that loves you is going through this with you whether you/they like it or not. And if you think the little nibbles at food here and there are fooling anyone, trust me when I say you're only fooling yourself. We notice when you don't eat. We know it. But what can we do when you've made it so clear that your perfection is most important?

Please help me understand why you do this because I don't think I ever will.