Let's just say I hate myself right now.
Two days on the set, two days I expected to fast, and two days failed. My greatest weakness is wanting to please my directors, not raise any eyebrows, not draw any attention to my personal life. And that means when lunch is called, as much as I would love to come up with good excuses, I don't make a fuss, and I eat.
On Wednesday I had a slice of pizza and about a cup of chicken caesar salad. On Thursday I had a 6" sub sandwich. Both days the director actually *checked on me* to make sure I had eaten. Who tipped him off? My agent? My manager? Another actor? WTF? Leave me the fuck alone!
And on the inside, I'm screaming, "Seriously? Ok, making me eat is one thing, but could you at least bring something HEALTHY? Jesus!" The array of sandwiches included one with ham, one with turkey, and one vegetarian, but they were all on white bread. Ugh. Beyond it's unhealthiness, I don't even like the taste of white bread anymore. But it's either that or nothing, and if I eat nothing, the director will report back to my agent, who will call my doctor, who will try to sit me down for another talk, blah, blah, blah. So I had a vegetarian one, ugh.
To make matters worse, both days I was released from set at 9 pm, and I got home only 1/2 hour before the gym closed, so I didn't even have a shot at working them off. And I'm back up 3 pounds. In just two days - how the hell does that happen?
So now I'm up to 13 pounds that I want to lose in the next 30 days. Thank God I'm starting with a 3-day weekend right now. Today would normally be my religious fast, but I'm not going to lie to God. This isn't a fast to gain enlightenment, it's a fast to lose weight. That's the truth. Today, really all I have on my mind is losing these three pounds, and hopefully 2 more before the weekend is over.
So I've decided to do my first 3-day fast this weekend. Today I'll limit myself to water only, and a helluva workout tonight. Saturday and Sunday I'll allow myself whatever liquids I want, but no food at all. And as much movement as I can without being too noticeable.
I hate myself, I hate my fat self. 13 pounds in 30 days. God, I've got to get it off of me. I can't let anything stop me.