Thursday, October 23, 2008

I'm so keyed up right now, I'm fucking delirious. But not in a positive way. If I had a nickel for every time I've said the word "fuck" in the past six hours... I don't know, maybe it's just from a day of eating after a good two-day fast. I say "good" because although I didn't have any food, I must have had too many liquid calories (soymilk, fruit juice), because the weight didn't budge. For two solid days. Fuck.

But, in order to be strong for the 3-day weekend fast, I decided to go ahead and eat today. That, and I had a mid-day job, and sure enough, as soon as I got there, they tried to feed me. But I had already set my mind to eat only healthy foods today, and as the shoot was short, I made enough excuses to get out of eating.

What the hell? My call time was noon, and they ordered lunch to arrive RIGHT before I got there. Convenient? Coincidence? Or has someone figured me out? If I find out that one of my agents or managers is reading this blog, I swear to God I will shut it down or move it to another address.

The moment I arrived at this shoot, all three -- the producer, director, and stylist -- immediately start insisting I should eat something, eat something, EAT SOMETHING. Fuck the hell off! It's enough to make me fucking paranoid!! For the first twenty minutes I was there, all I heard was "eat something." I'm like, "Where's the script? Would you like to see my wardrobe? What's the character's mode?" etc. No, none of that seemed to matter, just, "Eat something."

I was so close to screaming! But I kept my cool, made some great excuses (thank you, C!!) and was able to avoid eating anything they offered me. I think the timing actually worked in my favor, because I was able to buckle down as soon as I arrived, and by the end of the shoot, they'd all forgotten that I hadn't eaten. (Oh and by the way, I was shooting a commercial playing a girl working out at a fitness center! Ha ha! So I got in a mini-workout in the middle of the day!)

Then the drive home was fucking frustrating. I only had one shot of espresso early in the day, but the stress alone had me pulling my hair out all the way home. (No, not literally).

And when I got home tonight, all keyed-up and ready to have a killer-fucking-workout, I get to the gym and the place is closed for a power outage. What the fuck!!!????!!! I'm so ludicrously charged up, and I've got no place to burn all these calories and stress!!!

Well, I do have about a zillion things to take care of before midnight tonight, so I guess the good Lord's actually putting me where I need to be. But that means tomorrow's weight is gonna be way up, and I'm already dreading that. I already took one melatonin tonight to try to calm me down. Thank God tomorrow's audition is for someone who's "energetic and a fast-talker." Jeez, I wish I could do it right this very second, I'd win the part for sure.

God, I can't wait to start this 3-day fast. I fucking need it like I need fucking air in my lungs. I'll probably start tomorrow with an all-water fast, that seemed to work last week...

79 comments:

Ana Nas said...

Way to be strong hun keep it up!!! Your body will thank you for not giving in.

Love your blog check it everyday.

Stay strong thin and beautiful
Nas

Anonymous said...

Thank you
your so inspiring
i feel as tho i can get back on track having read what you can do i know i have that willpower inside me. i have done it before and i will do it agian.

thank you thank you thank you

xx

Anonymous said...

Hi girly,

I've commented before on your blog as 'Amy'. But I'd just like to say that, irrespective of the subject matter of this blog, you are a fucking brilliant writer.

Just wanted to send kudos your way, I love reading your posts so wanted to spread some cheer,

Amy x

PS I am fasting this weekend too, no eating today (Friday), Saturday, or Sunday. I really need to.....I've really ballooned lately. Methinks I could be 115 lb! (Last time I posted I was 105 lb. Boo hiss).

Sylvia* said...

Hi!! I dont read all the text because i dont know a lot of english and im very lazy too... Only pass to say hello :D....

sorry my english xD...

besos from spain!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Sweetheart

You're doing so well, I can tell you're living the ana. When you get stressed out and afraid every time you're confronted with food and meals, it's a good sign yor're a true ana and not just a wannabe, (so many of them out there wining every day on their blogs because they overate, and had a problem turning food down - tsk!)
I've got another tip for you, regarding to avoid eating. I can't remember if I already gave it to you, but it works for me, and here it comes (maybe) again:)
You can say, that youre allergic to something, but the doctors haven't figured out, what it is yet. Until they figure it out, you can only eat a number of things, you for sure know you don't react on. Of course the list dosen't include any of the food on the craft table;)
Doctors orders you know, so you're wery sorry and it looks delicius and all, but they have to start allover looking if you eat anything, that isn't listed. It works like a charm:)
Keep on your great work, you're so strong, remember that, every time it gets hard. You're in control and you're strong:)
Lots of love
- C.

Anonymous said...

Hey, great job with not eating when everyone's trying to shove food in your face.
If I may ask what are some of C's great excuses? I could really use some.
Anyways, I agree with Amy you are a great writer!
Good luck with your fast & enjoying that lovely empty feeling. :)

~A fan (Audrey)

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I've found out that swimming a LOT (hours of it) burns off more calories from me than running. Weird, but yeah.

May I ask you what your ideal weight is?

Anonymous said...

you are an inspiration !!!!, your blog keeps me strong

Anonymous said...

good Lord in heaven¡ i found this blog, i can't write how much it motivated me. im fasting today and i was feeling a little down, but then i found this blog and i got all keyed up i just jumped for an hour. great tips. you really are a thinspiration.
and really, i have an ED. i know it may be all wrong, still i fucking love it.
i would hug your skinny self if i was close. thank you for having this so steady blog.
Isabella Howard 5'2 120 fucking fat pounds

Anonymous said...

Girl! Dont move the blog. I am in france and have eatin more white bread then i would like.
Reading your blog helps me keep on track.
IT does seem that the whole world trys to get you to eat when you are loosing the weight. I know!
Wonder who you are, but love the mystery and glamour of it all.
Thank you again for your blog. You are brave!

Sarah said...

I really admire your strength. Keep up the good work! Twice this weekend i've gone to binge but your words have kept me strong. I've lost 5 pounds, and i owe it to you!

Anonymous said...

Hi to repeat what everyone else has said you are totaly thinsperational!!! Also big thank you for the heads up on soymilk! a glass of that stuff can get you straight through the day no troubles!!! Loving how empty i feel inside, i feel so pure :)

Starve on xxx

Anonymous said...

Heya!
i love reading your blog...its just great to see that there are more people of my kind....and the "eat something, EAT SOMETHING..." I SO know what youre on about.
keep blogging please. if i struggle with my fasting and read your blog it gives me that little kick to keep going.
xxxAlexa

Anonymous said...

Was happy to stumble on your well-written blog -- it's weird that so much ana stuff on the internet is written by bloggers who can't write a sentence, given that your average ana is a perfectionist of above-average intelligence. So, thanks!
Questions:
- I was surprised to see you mention avoiding diet sodas and aspartame -- can I ask why? Is it their chemical weirdness, or do you feel they contribute to weight gain?
- Was also confused to see you write that anorexics "don't get cravings". I am ana and sometimes get cravings -- if we didn't, why would we ever eat (besides not to faint)? Psychology texts say that anorexia nervosa doesn't actually include the symptom of "anorexia" (loss of appetite). Did you mean that the ideal ana doesn't like or crave food, or do you really not have cravings yourself?

Thanks -- stay well (however you define it!) and blessed.
Rachel

Anonymous said...

Hi :)

I love your blog, it's a true inspiation and I check it every day. But now it's been almost a week since your last post. Is everything all right?

Love, Ellie :)

L said...

I hope you haven't decided to shut down the blog Ana. We need you!!!

- L

Anonymous said...

how are you ?

Bela said...

Darling,
I miss your blog.
It's been over a week.

Stay strong.

Luna Bella said...

You're so awesome, I just started reading your blog today and it's really inspiring, I even created my own. I have a question though- If i drink a lot of water everday but also drink espressos, lattes, hot chocolate, energy drinks and coffee will that effect my weight loss as long as I don't eat? Just wondering, Stay strong you skinny bitch!

L said...

Oh Ana - i hope you'll come back. I check every day for an update!!!

Angie O. said...

Ana where did you go?

Anonymous said...

Please update. I love this blog.

Anonymous said...

Hi, not sure if you've ever tried this excuse but it works for me. When I'm offered food I tell people that I have a nut allergy and have to be really careful what I eat - they tend to back off at that!

Keep up the good work, you're inspirational.

Lou xx

fallen-angelx said...

I can only really say good things about this blog.
People don't understand that sometimes you're so obsessed; everything is building up in your head you need to read about it, look at pictures of thin girls- just to take your mind off it.

This blog makes me feel better.

You've found a follower.

Thank you.
x

Anonymous said...

haven't heard from you in a while. hope everything's okay, cyberspace just isn't the same without you...

Anonymous said...

Ana- not to be a creepy blog stalker or anything, but you haven't updated in a while (duh obviously I know) and I'm worried.
I know it's none of my fucking business, but I also know what we do takes a huge toll on our bodies. And I just hope you're doing ok.

-Rae

wasthereamthere said...

Did you ever try magnesium citrate to help during a fast? Its an oral laxative that kicks ass.

Anonymous said...

Where did you go? You haven't posted in weeks. Just wondering if someone caught on to you and you've abandoned your blog.

Anonymous said...

everything ok, hon? we haven't heard from you in a while.

let us know you are alright

***hugs***

Anonymous said...

Just wondering where you are - hope you are doing ok.

Anonymous said...

I've been battling Ana for many years now. 5'8 121lbs i feel shit. 2 months ago i was 99lbs. I stayed at 99 for sooo long. Its never good enough. Now everything's wrecked again. =(. Never ends...never goes away. I hate those ANA recovery stories. They act like it's gone. Even when you eat properly that voice comes back, wanting to reunite you with ana.

Nicole said...

I hope you're at least checking your comments even though you haven't been posting. Just wanted to send some good wishes your way, and I hope everything is ok. Miss your posts <33 xoxo

Anonymous said...

Where did you go? Come back!

Anonymous said...

Hope everything is ok. I miss your motivating updates.

Anonymous said...

where have you been!
we miss you <3
look forward to your new posts.
its comforting to know someone else is going through what i am
xxxx

Miss Anthrope said...

Ahh - You haven't posted in how long now? I check it everyday in hopes that there's something there for me to read. I hope that all is going well.

Caroline said...

Just found your blog & love your attitude. Thank you!!

Panna said...

Where are you? love reading your blog!

tryeverythingtwice said...

As disturbing as I find this blog, I have to say it provides useful information. I'm a fairly tall guy in New York who has almost always carried around 5-20 extra pounds. I see it in my belly roll and under my chin. I've never believed in the sacrifice enough to cut out carbs or alcohol completely (except for the 2 weeks I did Atkins in 2002, with tangible results). I found you by Googling "juice fast audition". I have a big one next week for Broadway and want to look my best. I was just concerned about having the energy to sing. Starting my juice fast now... we'll see how it goes!

Anonymous said...

omg,

i think i love you.
you are so incredibly witty and your blog cracks me up. i go through many of the same challenges you face daily and reading your blog gives me a chance to lighten up and pushes me to just suck it up.

stay skinny!

K said...

come back

anna said...

hiya! just found your blog! i like the content of it! where are u from?! stay storng, starve on! xx/anna

amanda said...

Please post a new blog soon .. you motivate me, & I don't want to break down now !

sisa said...

hi ! I'm happy to read your blog you're fantastic. I'D written you another comment but they saw me and so... there had been a hard struggle. now I'm back. I'm the italian girl. I'd never been really skinny , but I'd some healty problem the same.
so CAN I have a way to talk with you, like facebook for example?
good luck and stay stron.
baci ciao ciao

Anonymous said...

Where have you gone?! i feel lost...

CyberMaster said...

Good luck...

Anonymous said...

Hey! I Just Saw This Blog And You Inspired Me So Much! My Goal Is 90 Or 85 lbs. I'm So Fat! Im 95! And 5 feet Tall. Thank You For This Blog. Keep It Up. And Stay Thin!

xx

Anonymous said...

Good job girly, you havent writ in awhile. I hope that means your too busy fitting into those tiny clothing to write. You can do it. I did it, and I keep dropping. My BMI went from 19.5, and now Im down to 17.2 You are strong enough. And I agree with the post up there, for an actress you are one hell of a writer.
Be strong girl

L said...

Im' still holding out hope that you're coming back. I check almost every day.

Hopefully you're ok Ana.

- L

Anonymous said...

ana, where are you? =[ not has any new blog posts in so long. hope you're okay. i'm 16 and i really look up to you <3

Rachael said...

Hey. I just wanted to let you know, though I'm sure you hear it a lot, you're a HUGE inspiration to me. :) I'm 16 so I still live with my parents and they're always yelling at me to eat something. I don't let that get me down though. Your stellar blogs keep me going. Anyways, I just wanted to thank you!

thin=love said...

Your such an inspiration!i hate when you fast but nothing happens, it jerks me off so much!stay skinny hun! love x x

Anonymous said...

I adore your blog-- you are so weel informed! Seriously, you are what the pro-anorexia movement is all about. Straightforward, down-to-earth attitudes about weight loss and purity. You've officially motivated me to get started again!

Thank you! Jane

Estella said...

PLease post again soon! I really want to know what happens next. You are so much like me. Thank you for writing this blog. I have never really wanted to tell anyone about the stuff I do. Reading your blog makes me feel like I am telling someone.

Anonymous said...

wow, talk about inspirational, I'm totally following your advice, thanks ana!

love, rose

Anonymous said...

Hi =)
I've just discovered your blog and I love it, your honesty is overwhelming and your determination and willpower are truly an inspiration.
I just know this blog will really help me through the tough times.
Thank you! XD

AK
xx

Kat said...

Love your blog to death, it is so amazingly inspiring. Please post again soon!

Anonymous said...

thank you for being so honest, it's refreshing and inspirational to a lot of us.
love your courage

Anonymous said...

oh, this "eat something" talk is so getting on one's nerves... since i have reached bmi 17 (and still such a long way to go ^^;) i hear that all the time, from colleagues, family and friends. i begin to even freak out when someone comments on my body and weight in a positive way, since i am afraid they could begin this talk again. i can understand well how you must feel... great blog, by the way. =)

Anonymous said...

Well done for being strong!

You haven't made a post in ages
Everything Okay?
Hope christmas was good!
exex

Anonymous said...

You're An Inspiration To The Rest Of Us Fatties.

Amy.

Anonymous said...

you're so great. i love how you always inspire me to lose more it's pretty depressing yesterday i got on the scale and weighed 104lbs! that just ruined my week!!! and it doesn't help that everyone's on my case too. idk how you do it, i have to eat because my family wants family dinners and stuff now(which is an obvious attempt to make me eat). well i just wanted to say hi and thank you:]

Anonymous said...

ive just started fasting i decided i needed to as i went up to 110 lbs i lasted to three days and all i hear of people is EAT even the word makes me feel huge you seem to have the strenth though to not eat and exersize when i dont eat i am tierd i dont know how that works ... but thankyou for making me think and you really do speak the truth

"tina"

Anonymous said...

Thanku so much. I've been fasting this weekend too. Well, I took some vitamin c nd supplements to help me out. Lol, I guess I'm a cehater. The holidays are really kicking my ass. I need more willpower!

Anonymous said...

I've just discovered this blog and I find it insanely interesting.
I'm not ana myself or anything I just love reading about it.

This'll seem rude, but I can't help but ponder if the writer is dead or has just stopped writing.

This isn't a negative post, I'm just curious.
This blog should be published.
N x

Miss Anthrope said...

Oh Ana - where did you go, love? I think we all miss you. You are such an inspiration to everyone - even with you not writing anymore. It's amazing to see how many people care about you and want to continue reading your posts. I hope that all is well - you should drop by sometime and just drop us a note and let everyone know how you're doing. I check this everyday. Take care.

Tara

Anonymous said...

Rachel-
The University of Texas did a study on the effects of aspartame found in diet sodas and found that for each can of diet soda consumed, a person's risk of obesity went up 41%. Basically what happens is the chemicals that aspartame breaks down into (which includes phelylalanine, methanol, and aspartic acids) make you crave carbs. Also was happens is the person who switches from a real-sugar soft drink to a "diet" drink mentally believes that they are bettering themselves, but really it leads to impulsive eating rather than controlled healthy eating.
Hope this helps! There's plenty of websites with more information but be careful to trust only ligit ones.
-Grace

Anonymous said...

I just found this blog and I love it. The writer is hilarious and witty. I agree with the peraon above and think her blogs should be published. Very entertaining to read, I hope the writer comes back. Hopefully to talk about where she's gone.


-someone :)

Anonymous said...

please help; "they" make me eat.i'm 102 lbs. i swear i'm such a fat cow. but please. help me. i need "inspiration."

nelly said...

Hey I found ur honesty interesting to read and i can relate to ur life quite alot!

im ana i got down to 39kg but since interventions and my own weakness i now weigh 60 but i will get back to myself my body my life my world of being ana and being xxxsmall my life is wonderful wen i am so thin strangers stop and stare its not depressing being ana its so empowering i love it !

Anonymous said...

hi,

i admire your great determination in being thin!

XOXOXO

Freya said...

I've been living my whole life hovering on a healthy weight, but never a pretty one, or a sexy comfortable one, or a fit one. You've inspired me to take control, thank you, I'll keep reading <3

Anonymous said...

Hey I just found your blog!
You saved me! I was just about to give up , but hearing all these things that have been happening to you let's me know that I'm not the only one strugling.
I started out with bulimea for about 7 months, I lost about 30 lbs, I'm not even close to my goal.
The start of may I started anorexia and it's true, it's insane how fast you lose weight compared to bulimea!
So Monday I started a water fast till today (Friday)
The first two days I lost a freaking ten pounds!!
Since I was so happy with this I rewarded myself... A little too much , seeing as how it's the end of the week and I still only lost ten pounds.
I'm in grade 8 I've had an eating disorder since the start of September. I'm 5"6 and I weigh 120 my final goal is 110, if I can pull off 105 that would AMAZING. But I don't think I have the self controll.
I probably sound stupid because I'm younger then most people here, but it's really hard to grow up with a naturally skinny family , and then looking at myself all the time is just disgusting!
Not to mention my mom hates me, we constantly fight , and Im actually saving up to buy myself my own semi formal dress .
You really don't know how much your blog entries help me stay strong and to follow my goals, so thank you so much and keep following your dreams. Better now then never.
By the way my name is Claire.
<3

snowflakesfallgently said...

just out of curiosity, how are liquid calories so much different than calories from solid foods? love your blog by the way, i read the whole thing from the beginning and it's really thinspired me!

mads said...

finding this blog is so helpful! i really wanted to relate to someone and reading this has helped me so much :) I am ana + mia and right now my mum just forced me to eat pasta bolognaise (i actually was nearly throwing up, it was fucking revolting eating so much put on one plate). she's going out in a minute so i can purify my stomach but i seriously cannot wait. i can feel the calories soaking into me. this blog just inspires me so much to carry on. thank you so much for writing it xxx

11 Day Diet said...

Wow, you really have been through a lot! I've only read a few of your blog posts but I can imagine you've faced just as much turmoil in the other posts as the first few that I read.

It sounds like you have a lot of willpower though and you want to succeed which eventually will happen. Writing about it and wanting to help others is a great quality and from some of the comments I've read you've done exactly that!

Anonymous said...

Isn't it ironic that an anorexic person is cast to play someone in a fitness commercial. No wonder girls like me who are considered to be at a healthy weight feel like hideous, obese cows. What a fucked up society we live in.

Ana said...

I am just reading your blog for the first time, and I really love your writing style and honesty. That being said, you need to be as open and authentic to yourself as you are to us. If one of us wanted to lose 5 pounds, you'd tell us to get off our ass and WORK for it, no excuses. Just imagine when you are about to binge or not keep up a fast what you would say to us. You are a strong leader, which means you can lead yourself! Love you.
P.S. What is your favorite fast/diet to do?
-Ana

White Tiger said...

You are such a good motivation, you got me right back on track, but even better. I used to just limit my calories and run a lot, but now I'm going to fast and keep exercising. I used to be 105 but then my mom and doctors threatened me and I buckled under the stress and struggled with binge-eating for a few months and am now around 125. Its so depressing, but you give me hope!
Thank you so so much,
Stay strong and believe in yourself.

p.s. I love that you laugh when your stomach grumbles, so do I :)