Thursday, October 23, 2008

I'm so keyed up right now, I'm fucking delirious. But not in a positive way. If I had a nickel for every time I've said the word "fuck" in the past six hours... I don't know, maybe it's just from a day of eating after a good two-day fast. I say "good" because although I didn't have any food, I must have had too many liquid calories (soymilk, fruit juice), because the weight didn't budge. For two solid days. Fuck.

But, in order to be strong for the 3-day weekend fast, I decided to go ahead and eat today. That, and I had a mid-day job, and sure enough, as soon as I got there, they tried to feed me. But I had already set my mind to eat only healthy foods today, and as the shoot was short, I made enough excuses to get out of eating.

What the hell? My call time was noon, and they ordered lunch to arrive RIGHT before I got there. Convenient? Coincidence? Or has someone figured me out? If I find out that one of my agents or managers is reading this blog, I swear to God I will shut it down or move it to another address.

The moment I arrived at this shoot, all three -- the producer, director, and stylist -- immediately start insisting I should eat something, eat something, EAT SOMETHING. Fuck the hell off! It's enough to make me fucking paranoid!! For the first twenty minutes I was there, all I heard was "eat something." I'm like, "Where's the script? Would you like to see my wardrobe? What's the character's mode?" etc. No, none of that seemed to matter, just, "Eat something."

I was so close to screaming! But I kept my cool, made some great excuses (thank you, C!!) and was able to avoid eating anything they offered me. I think the timing actually worked in my favor, because I was able to buckle down as soon as I arrived, and by the end of the shoot, they'd all forgotten that I hadn't eaten. (Oh and by the way, I was shooting a commercial playing a girl working out at a fitness center! Ha ha! So I got in a mini-workout in the middle of the day!)

Then the drive home was fucking frustrating. I only had one shot of espresso early in the day, but the stress alone had me pulling my hair out all the way home. (No, not literally).

And when I got home tonight, all keyed-up and ready to have a killer-fucking-workout, I get to the gym and the place is closed for a power outage. What the fuck!!!????!!! I'm so ludicrously charged up, and I've got no place to burn all these calories and stress!!!

Well, I do have about a zillion things to take care of before midnight tonight, so I guess the good Lord's actually putting me where I need to be. But that means tomorrow's weight is gonna be way up, and I'm already dreading that. I already took one melatonin tonight to try to calm me down. Thank God tomorrow's audition is for someone who's "energetic and a fast-talker." Jeez, I wish I could do it right this very second, I'd win the part for sure.

God, I can't wait to start this 3-day fast. I fucking need it like I need fucking air in my lungs. I'll probably start tomorrow with an all-water fast, that seemed to work last week...

Monday, October 20, 2008

This weekend's three-day fast (the first one I've done in about a year) was a huge success. I actually felt like I was starting to go a little crazy off of the pure euphoria. There is no other way to describe the ridiculous HIGH I got from starving for three straight days.

But for all that, I only lost four pounds in the three days. I wanted to have lost one more by today, so I briefly debated this morning if I should fast for one more day to lose the last pound before having an eating day. But when I looked ahead at this week's schedule, I figured it would be best to settle today, eat something sane and then go back on a 2-day fast for Tues and Wed before eating on Thursday and then starting the process over again.

To stay on track to lose 13 lbs (total) by November 16th, I only have to lose five more pounds by next Monday. With only 2 days of eating, and five days of fasting, I hope this will be possible within a week.

I just can't get over that blissful feeling of emptiness that I carried with me all weekend! I dressed up in clothes that used to be tight on me and as I walked around downtown (in the freezing breeze, mind you!) I could feel my skin not quite touching the waistband of my jeans, and every time the wind would blow my blouse to brush across the small of my back and then it would rest off of my skin again, I had to slyly smile. I can FEEL myself shrinking! It's fucking toxic to my brain!

It's really hard to convince myself to eat today, because that shrinking, empty feeling goes away. :( At least I'm eating healthy: for breakfast, I just had a half-cup of steamed broccoli and carrots with italian seasoning. I've got frozen grapes for lunch and maybe I'll zip out for a public dinner before I head to the gym tonight. My goal for the day is to eat just enough to remind my body to metabolize again, burn it ALL off with tonight's workout, and start the next 2-day fast at zero calories so there'll be a 2-day deficit by Friday morning.

Wanted to send a special shout-out to all my facebook friends. For some reason, I'm not as much into it as I was last year. I don't know why, probably just lack of time. But I love connecting with you guys on there, and I promise you, I read all of it. ~<3~ to all my facebook peeps...

Speaking of which... time to answer some comments.

Anonymous said she tried the saltwater flush, but "couldn't even drink half of the quart before I felt the overwhelming urge to throw up." She wants to know "When you've done the flush in the past, did you have this same problem, and if you did how do you work through it?"

Ok, the first thing I'm going to do is refer once again to THIS POST where I chronicled my first saltwater flush. (HINT: ROLLOVER the underlined words for the LINK.)

In case you STILL don't follow the link, here's what I said in June 2007:

Just did my first saltwater flush, and now I'm thirsty and freezing! Drank the quart of water in 4 cups. The first cup was great, might as well have been sipping chicken noodle soup broth. The second cup was ok, but after a week of not eating, the fullness was upsetting. The third cup was starting to make me nauseous, and I forced down the fourth cup just to get it in within the half-hour.

I laid down on my right side for a half-hour, as prescribed, and read a book for distraction. Like clockwork, at 1 hour after the first sip, I noticed a need for the toilet. I sat there for 45-minutes spewing all the waste I have left after a week of fasting. And now I'm so cold!!! Immediately I was thirsty - guess I still had that salty taste in my mouth and I needed desperately to rinse it out. So I've had my juice for the day. Took me less than 10 minutes to slog down 3 cups of diluted pomegranate/cranberry juice.

The important points to note here:

  • I had been fasting for a week. If you do the saltwater flush in the middle of eating normally, yeah, you deserve to throw up.
  • I had to force it down. How bad do you want it? Suck it up, pinch your nose and SWALLOW. Also, pay attention when you're concocting this drink. Don't just pour the salt into lukewarm or room-temp water. Warm the water, even boil it! Let the salt dissolve completely, then allow the water to cool to a drinkable temperature. (Do NOT drink boiling-hot water. Do NOT drink undissolved salt.)(~!Aren't these things common sense???!~)
  • The words "as prescribed" should imply that you and I are not the only ones to experience the unpleasant feelings you describe. If it was EASY, everyone would do it. Duh. So the laying down afterwards thing... that's not just part of the recipe for no reason.

Sorry... do I sound a little sick of answering these questions again and again and AGAIN? Yeah, that's because I am. Do a little research, ya'll. I didn't CREATE this saltwater flush... I did MY research and followed instructions. Google... it's not that hard.

I digress...

gettingthinsoon wants to know do you take ephedra or Clen? I am looking into something to help me burn fat...

You want my honest opinion? EXERCISE IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL BURN FAT. THERE IS **NO** MAGIC PILL. I think any pill that promises to take all your problems away is a complete and total hoax. Yes, I've tried a few when I've been stupid and desperate, but nothing ever works. (Did you ever wonder why you hear all those reviews where the lady says, "I tried all kinds of pills, but nothing ever worked for me"? That's not just something they SAY in the ad!) I think "fat burning" pills work best as a placebo... that is to say, perhaps taking a pill fools a person into THINKING they have stronger willpower to resist food and exercise more...

[DISCLAIMER: I am a huge fan of *prescription* drugs. There's a good reason why they get FDA approval - because they really do fuck with your body's true hormones and chemical balances to actually change the way you think about eating/exercise. I just don't think that a pill exists that burns fat FOR you, and certainly not one you can get without a doctor's approval.]

But if you still feel like an OTC pill will help you, try doing a little footwork on www.ultimatefatburner.com to make an educated choice. Here's a guy who has actually TRIED almost every pill on the market for himself and gives a straight, unbiased, unpaid opinion of which ones work and why, with lots of scientific research to back him up, etc.

L wants to know what liquids i should/should not drink. any advice? ...what's your recipe for your favorite fast?

This is a matter of preference really. You've gotta find your own balance of calories vs. satiety. It just takes time and experience. Learn to read labels carefully! Also try to stay away from anything that's too high in sugar (beware - diet sodas!!), as these may be lower in calories and fat, but that sugar (if not burned immediately) will go STRAIGHT to your fat reserves. BAD WORDS in the ingredients include:

  • high fructose corn syrup -- the #1 most evil ingredient!!!
  • saccharin
  • aspartame
  • just about anything that ends in "-ose" (sucrose, sucralose, fructose, etc.)


For me, I know (from long-term experience and experiments!) that I like to have a little bit of warm milk to get me through a liquid-fast day. And in the past three months or so I've discovered the joy of soymilk. The protein helps with satiety, the carbs are easily burned before they get stored, and the warmth fools my body into thinking it's been fed.

When I drink juices, I look for low-cal, low-sugar juices, and ONLY BUY 100% juice! I can (and usually do) dilute it at home, so why the hell would I pay extra for someone else to add water and sugar? Blech.

I like juices that have a double-punch... for example, grapefruit juice is said to help speed metabolism, cranberry juice doubles as a diuretic, and cherry/grape/pomegranate juices are high in antioxidants.

I dilute for several reasons. For one, I just don't like super-sweet stuff. And one cup of (let's say) cran/pom juice is 140 cals. So I pour one cup of cran/pom into a liter bottle with 3 cups of filtered water, and it not only cuts down on the sweetness, but it forces me to take my time sipping it over the course of an hour or so, it's gets more water (the source of life!) into me, and it cuts down on the color-potency that stains your teeth. You could also consider combining juice with club soda if you like that carbonated feeling to keep you satiated.

But my favorite comment today comes from Gidget who refers us to www.freedomyou.com to find more helpful information about fasting from both a spiritual and physical point-of-view. Just a cursory look over the site tells me this is a place I'll be visiting quite often in the near future. Thanks, Gidget!

P.S. The hit-counter rolled over 30,000 this weekend. A huge THANK YOU to all my readers!!!! You guys, fucking ROCK!!!

Starve on, ladies (and gents!)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

LOVE to all my commenters. <3

Doing good so far on the 3-day weekend fast. Nothing but water yesterday, and was down 2 lbs this morning. No food today, but did have several caloried drinks as well as my water. I'm anxious to see what I'll weigh tomorrow morning because of the calories... mostly soy milk, so I know the protein is what kept me strong enough to evade eating. But do the calories factor out? We'll see.

I will admit, I did buy 2 butter croissants and an apple-cinnamon scone today to support my church's bake sale. And I bought them with the mindset of bingeing. But once I got back in the car, I reminded myself of you guys, and the promise I made to fast for three days. I didn't eat them. (I love you guys.)

I can tell myself I'll only eat one bite, but the truth is that I can never stop myself. If I eat just a little bit, I end up tailspinning into a maniacal uncontrollable binge-fest. I think it's a survival-instinct thing... my body's been starving for a few days now, and it thinks that I have to LOAD UP on calories in case I don't feed it again for awhile.

So to avoid the binge, I MUST avoid the first bite. I wrapped up the baked items and put them away to save for Monday. If I can save everything for "cheat days" (make them Monday and Thursday) and then fast five days a week, hopefully the starving will outweigh the binges.

God, I wish I could just stop bingeing altogether.

One day at a time. I feel strong that I will be able to get through tomorrow without eating again. I'll probably have another soy latte, 1) because I need the caffeine to keep my energy up, 2) the protein in the soy was a miracle filler.

But if tomorrow's weigh-in doesn't look like I'll lose all five by tomorrow night, maybe no soy latte...

Friday, October 17, 2008

Let's just say I hate myself right now.

Two days on the set, two days I expected to fast, and two days failed. My greatest weakness is wanting to please my directors, not raise any eyebrows, not draw any attention to my personal life. And that means when lunch is called, as much as I would love to come up with good excuses, I don't make a fuss, and I eat.

On Wednesday I had a slice of pizza and about a cup of chicken caesar salad. On Thursday I had a 6" sub sandwich. Both days the director actually *checked on me* to make sure I had eaten. Who tipped him off? My agent? My manager? Another actor? WTF? Leave me the fuck alone!

And on the inside, I'm screaming, "Seriously? Ok, making me eat is one thing, but could you at least bring something HEALTHY? Jesus!" The array of sandwiches included one with ham, one with turkey, and one vegetarian, but they were all on white bread. Ugh. Beyond it's unhealthiness, I don't even like the taste of white bread anymore. But it's either that or nothing, and if I eat nothing, the director will report back to my agent, who will call my doctor, who will try to sit me down for another talk, blah, blah, blah. So I had a vegetarian one, ugh.

To make matters worse, both days I was released from set at 9 pm, and I got home only 1/2 hour before the gym closed, so I didn't even have a shot at working them off. And I'm back up 3 pounds. In just two days - how the hell does that happen?

So now I'm up to 13 pounds that I want to lose in the next 30 days. Thank God I'm starting with a 3-day weekend right now. Today would normally be my religious fast, but I'm not going to lie to God. This isn't a fast to gain enlightenment, it's a fast to lose weight. That's the truth. Today, really all I have on my mind is losing these three pounds, and hopefully 2 more before the weekend is over.

So I've decided to do my first 3-day fast this weekend. Today I'll limit myself to water only, and a helluva workout tonight. Saturday and Sunday I'll allow myself whatever liquids I want, but no food at all. And as much movement as I can without being too noticeable.

I hate myself, I hate my fat self. 13 pounds in 30 days. God, I've got to get it off of me. I can't let anything stop me.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

One of the recent comments asked how to resist cravings.

Well, my first reaction is to shiver: someone with legitimate anorexia doesn't actually get cravings for food. We get cravings for exercise, for hurting ourselves, for perfection. I actually CRAVE that hollow feeling of emptiness. It makes me feel so powerful, so in control. Food is SCARY - it is the evil that harms us by making us fat, no matter how small or healthy the portion.

That being said, if you're looking for a website with diet advice, you've come to the wrong party, and I highly suggest you leave this site and look for some healthier form of weight loss like Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. (Or, hell... just plain diet and exercise.) Please do not think that you can attempt to become anorexic. Eating disorders are no joke -- they are a disease. This is not a diet -- it is a NIGHTMARE.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by... SUCK IT.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.


For those of you who are wannarexic or binge-disordered, here's some hints that'll help you fight food cravings:

- DRINK WATER. Tons of it. And NO, diet and/or calorie-free sodas do NOT count! WATER is the essence of life. The human body begins to die after 3 days without it. Teas and juices are great, but the more straight, plain WATER you can get, the better off you'll be.

The recipe for a regular healthy person is this: take the number of your current weight in pounds and cut that in half - that's the number of OUNCES of water you should drink in a day. For someone who is fasting, I say double that.

Here's a good way to make sure you get all your water daily. If you're not used to drinking lots of water, start off easy, say with half of what your body requires, and work your way up to the full dosage within a week. Never, ever chug. Water is most effective for your body's natural processes (and for keeping you full and satiated) if you sip it constantly throughout the day.

Invest in refillable water bottles and some kind of filter pitcher. Buy as many as you need for a full day's water needs. (For me, I try to drink 3-5 liters [100-150 ounces] per day.) Fill all the water bottles the night before, and store them in your fridge, except for one you keep on your nightstand, preferably near the alarm clock.

When you first wake up in the morning, make a habit of sipping on that first bottle, first thing before your feet even hit the floor. Remember: DON'T CHUG. It'll just pass straight through you and do you no good. Sip maybe the first fourth of the bottle.

Then, plan to pace yourself to finish all the bottles by end of day. Mentally divide the number of hours you'll be awake today, and compare it to the number of bottles you need to finish, then sip accordingly. For instance, I try to finish at least 1 liter before 10 am, one before noon, one by 4 pm, one at my workout and one before bed.

ALWAYS keep a water bottle with you at all times, everywhere you go. Keep it IN YOUR HANDS if possible. You'll be surprised how often you take sips off of it without thinking. Don't wait to drink it until you're thirsty; pace yourself by time. Drink whatever else you want during the day, but do it in IN ADDITION; don't ever let that serve as water replacement.

If the thought of just plain water completely turns you off, try some of the new water-additions out there. (Just makes sure to read the labels carefully - try to avoid sugar, sweeteners, calories, and caffeine as much as possible.) One I just recently found and love is Benefiber's Cherry Pomegranate. It's way too sweet for the 16.9 oz bottle it recommends, but it's just about right in a liter for me. Plus the extra fiber adds to that feeling of satiety, and it turns my water a brilliant ana-red, which serves as a helpful reminder throughout my day. ;)

- Carry thinspiration. Whether it's a picture of your favorite skinny celeb, or a picture of yourself in your skinny days, find a place for it in your handbag, inside your cell phone case, ipod case, or any place handy where you'll remember to look often. Anytime you're tempted by food, look at your goal and remind yourself that NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels. Currently, Minnie and Renee's white-hot gowns grace my own wallet to remind me of my own upcoming red carpet appearances, but here's even more thinspiration for ya.

- Chew sugar-free gum. If it's an oral fixation you're trying to curb, make sure to always have sugar-free gum handy. Or ice (although in excess, this can be damaging to your tooth enamel). That chewing motion fools you into thinking you're eating something. Just be sure to read the labels and make sure you get a very low-calorie gum, and never swallow it. Every calorie counts!

Keep a full stomach of water, fool yourself into thinking you've chewed something, and keep your eye on the prize, and almost every craving can be fought.

Starve on, my beauties, Starve On.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Yesterday had ups and downs. But after the entire weekend, I'm down two pounds. woo. I'm not thoroughly excited, because I wish it had been five. But at least I'm down.

The film festival was pretty intense. Luckily, I wasn't in the direct limelight, as I wasn't there to promote my own movie, but rather to support another movie that my co-star was also in. Even so, my entire day was OBSESSED with my looks. All week I've been restricting hard and fasting every other day to prepare for this. From the moment I woke up at 8 AM I started working on hair, makeup, dress, nails, jewelry, the works... And even AT the festival, even though my movie was not the highlight, there were of course tons of photographers eager to take my picture in anticipation of its release. So even though I didn't go to be in the spotlight, I was. Ugh.

It's really exhausting. Being famous is SO not my bag. I cherish my anonymity. My co-star on the other hand... he was born into celebrity (his dad and brother are famous too), so he's used to this. He aced the day like a pro which left me feeling... ugh, I love my job and hate my career.

The outfit I chose to wear was satisfactory. I liked the way I looked for the most part, except I still wish to reduce the size of my hips and arms. But my boobs looked good, my stomach looked flat, and I had some KILLER hot heels on. Hopefully the shoes and the face/hair kept the attention away from my less-than-perfect body parts in the red carpet pics.

After the festival, a bunch of the cast and crew from my movie went out together for "drinks" (which also included table appetizers). I was the only one who neither ate nor drank (only 4 glasses of ice water, because the damned server was so lazy she never seemed to notice when I emptied the glass). And while this is the same crew who constantly chastized me for not eating on the set during shooting (six months ago) no one said anything to me at dinner! Ugh! Which just confirms to me what I already know is true... I'm not as scary-thin as I was in the movie.

In fact, it is true. I currently weigh five pounds more than I did during filming. And with only about 2 1/2 months to go before we start premiering this film next January, I wanna lose not only that five, but at least another five. Ten pounds in 10 weeks should be feasible.

I came home from the festival feeling pretty damned depressed about myself. I hated myself so much that I nearly stopped for a fast food binge, but ana helped me keep going. Good thing, because when I got home, my roommates were having a surprise birthday party for another mutual friend of ours, and I was served a sizeable helping of pumpkin dessert topped with whip cream.

This is where my day started to turn around. Why was >I< given the biggest piece? Now, my roommates surely have noticed that my designated shelf on the fridge holds mainly juices and waters, and very little food lately. They haven't said anything to me directly, but they sure were watching to see if I'd resist eating the dessert. Still in acting mode, I dove straight in and complimented the chef several times, making lots of yummy sounds and even scraping the plate with my fork at the end. That seemed to calm them substantially. They didn't need to know it was the ONLY thing I'd eaten all day.

But sitting around later, the talk turned in such a way I nearly laughed out loud. My one friend "M" is six months pregnant, and we were having a lively discussion about how she's feeling lately, etc. (My other friend "J" is a midwife.) We were discussing how much weight she's gained or lost, comparing it to the reports of other celebs, etc. J, the midwife, tells a story about one woman she knew who actually lost about 30 lbs throughout her pregnancy, and still came out healthy. My friend "S" launches into a rabbit-trail, and for some reason pumps up his volume about a notch and a half. The first line was, "Well, when someone starves themself..." and the entire room fell completely silent!

Hello! 500-lb. gorilla standing here! Please... go on!

"...not saying that anyone HERE starves themselves... ahem..." as he hastily shifts his eyes to every single person in the room to alleviate any invisible pointed fingers. He went on into a tirade about the loss of muscle mass instead of fat, etc., blah, blah, blah...

I could have died laughing!!! But I kept my cool. (Ligeia, your comment couldn't have been more perfectly timed!) So it's suddenly clear to me that before I arrived home tonight, these four probably had a chat about me and my eating habits lately. Maybe they're even concerned. Ha. Good for them.

And after our guests had left for the evening, and I'm helping J clean up the kitchen, she mentions that we're thinking of having another small dinner party/girls' night in about 2 weeks. So it's now clear to me that these parties at our house are clearly attempts to get me to eat. Ha!!!

Well, as long as it's only once every 2 weeks or so, I can plan around that. :)

So overall, last week was a good week. Fasted every other day, and got two more lbs off of me. My pants are beginning to fit loose again, and I went shopping on Saturday to find some tops that fit, but loosely, so I can hide any further weight losses.

I love this game. I love this lifestyle. I think I really like this new trend I've started without even planning it that way: fasting every other day. I can see myself getting back towards plans like the 34-day fast I did last year. In fact...

...to be continued

Friday, October 10, 2008

Martha Stewart just made a funny: One of her guests had baked something and offered it to her asking if she was hungry. As she took a greedy bite she said, "Oh yes! I only had a salad for lunch... yesterday!" The entire audience laughed. I love it.

Email feedback time!!

L wrote: Question for ya Ana: why is it that the industry you're in secretly praises the rail thin, yet if you don't eat enough on set you "get in trouble"? I don't understand the hypocrisy.

There is great danger in the word "they." This all-emcompassing word doesn't take into account that oftentimes people's personal beliefs and work requirements don't meet eye-to-eye. I think a lot of producers would personally rather NOT see us rail-thin, unhappy, unwell, and starving. But as PRODUCERS, their job is to make money for the networks and studios. And that's what sells. So while they encourage you to eat to alleviate their own consciences and appear politically correct, the unspoken fact is that if you're not thinner than the other girl, she's more likely to get the job. Because that's what AUDIENCES like to see. (And the audiences will say, "Oh no! We hate to see them so skinny!" and then raise the ratings by watching the shows more and more each week.... it's a vicious cycle.)

In other words, no one really puts their money where their mouth is.

Anonymous "nurse ironic" says: i just wanted to give you a heads up bout diuretics and just to be very carefull because that is one thing that can kill you, lack of fluid can cause serious heart problems and kidney problems.

Thanks for the wise words. I'm posting them here because I hope someone who may not know better will take heed. But in my own defense, if you follow the directions on diuretics, they do tell you to take each pill with 6-8 ounces of water, and I'm drinking about 3 liters of water per day.

By the way, for those who don't know, NOT EATING can kill you too. ;)

Anonymous asks: do diuretics really work? I've heard that they just get rid of your water weight, and not actual flab/fat. Any insight?

In short order, YES. Diuretics are not for losing fat mass, only for reducing water weight.
Definition of diuretic: Anything that promotes the formation of urine by the kidney. (The word "diuretic" comes from a combination of the Greek "dia-", thoroughly + "ourein", to urinate = to urinate thoroughly).
Guys, please understand me. I DO NOT use these diuretics every day. I do the saltwater flush only whenever I feel like I really need a good thorough cleaning-out. I was doing diuretics for the THREE DAYS leading up to a very important public appearance that I had to make. I was completely aware that the loss would be temporary, but that's all I needed it for. Honestly, I haven't taken another diuretic yet since then.

And as an OVERALL VIEW -- I do not endorse pro-ana as a form of SUICIDE. Only as a format for extreme weight loss. Please read some of these earlier posts in my blog, where I actually do not approve of anorexic deaths. To me, this disease is all about CONTROL. If you die from anorexia, clearly somewhere along the way, you lost control.

So be smart about it, mes bébés. Do any of your thinspirational angels appear to be dying? No. The ones who are heralded are the ones who are Living With, not Dying From this disease.

For all of those who have questions about the saltwater flush, please visit THE LINK. Follow the instructions to a "T." I'm not a medical expert, I can't tell you what will happen if you use table salt or more or less, or do it in the morning or the evening, or before or after fasting... I can tell you MY experiences, but since every person's body is different, you may not react the same. All I can tell you is TRY IT AND SEE. That's what I did. So good luck.

Anonymous asks: Aren't you really hiding behind yor religion by doing the fasts? I don't think Christ would want you to completely ruin your weekends every weekend.

I can't tell you how much this makes me laugh!!! (Gimme a sec to catch my breath...) Who said fasting "ruins" my weekend? It gives me more time to work and work out, and I come out a few pounds thinner -- I'd call that a helluva GOOD weekend! And as for what Christ thinks, please refer to Christ's own words in Matthew 6:16-18, and His actions in Luke 4:2-4.

And finally to Jerry who wanted me to respond so he would "know that you read it and what your thoughts are."

The only reason I'm not posting your note is because it was two fucking pages long. If your "morbidity" spurs you to preach, you'll reach a much more receptive audience by starting your own anti-pro-ana blog. Join the masses, you are not unique.

Do not take offense when I generally refer to my readers as "girl." I recognize that I have a few guy readers, but a vast majority of my readers ARE girls, and you are not the only one I keep dialogue with.

Thanks for "caring about my well-being" but get in line. Oh, and by the way, while you're caring for me, stop buying tabloids with pictures of shockingly fat and skinny people in the headlines, stop looking at pictures of beautiful actresses at all news stands or while standing in line at the supermarket, stop watching all movies with skinny actresses, and stop watching any television shows that feature skinny actresses. Do not buy your clothes from any stores whose runway shows featured skinny models. Only listen to music written and performed by fat people. Do not purchase products from any store that features skinny models in their magazine, newspaper, or television advertisements.

Also, don't forget to inform every doctor in the health care industry that obese people are beautiful, and that that makes them healthier than eating-disordered people.

If you can do all that and manage to change the worldview as we know it, THEN... I'll stop starving, and making a living off the dollars YOU pour into this lifestyle of mine.

Meantime, thanks for reading.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Been doing ok this week, but it's been tough because I've been working so much. Keeping exact track is damned-near impossible, but I've been able to avoid food entirely for about 36 hours at a time before someone gets me to eat something. And it's always been something small like a handful of dried fruit/nuts or a veggieburger (no bun). Which in turn carries me over for the next day and a half.

Did a modeling shoot today and got LOADS more compliments about how great I look, but everyone's still too cautious about complimenting my weight loss. Or maybe I just haven't lost enough weight to be visible.

In any case, tomorrow is Friday = religious fast. To Plain Jane who asked if it's really "religious" fasting:

Yes, on Friday's I consider my abstention from eating to be a truly religious fast. Here's the distinction: If I abstain from food on any given day solely for the purpose of losing weight or creating a calorie-deficit, that's not religious fasting, unless you count ana as a goddess. But as I am a Christian, I've made my own personal decision to abstain from food on Fridays, and to use any hunger pangs to remind me to pray and remember Christ's sacrifice, which happened on a Friday.

The problem I've come across lately is that I no longer feel hungry when I abstain from eating. Especially when I'm staying filled with 3 or more liters of water per day. So my last few Friday's fasts haven't been praying as much as I would like.

My proposed solution for this is to start also religiously fasting on Sundays, to remember Christ's resurrection. And then eventually to connect the two days, so that I'll be fasting RELIGIOUSLY Friday thru Sunday each week, to commemorate the three days that Christ fought thru hell to return and save me. If He can fight through three days of real Hell, I can fight thru three days of hunger. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

But for now, I'll get through Friday (I don't have to work, so should be easy enough). Sunday I have an appearance to make at a film festival, so I'm hoping to wear a dress that "I can't risk getting dirty," to help me avoid food, and use my private time to pray.

I'm too tired to keep writing anymore tonight. Good night, my skinny anas.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Books are good for body as well as brain
by Roger Sinasohn Oct 7th 2008 1:00PM


It's important for kids to read in order to become well-rounded, knowledgeable adults and positive members of society. It turns out there's another benefit to reading -- it can lead to weight loss. Scientists at Duke Children's Hospital in North Carolina have found that overweight girls who were given a book that featured an overweight girl reduced their body mass index by one percent in just six months.

The book the girls read, Lake Rescue, promotes a healthy lifestyle, including exercise. A control group that was not given the book actually increased their BMI by half a percent. Even though the loss was small, it represents a significant impact because the expected outcome, sans book, would be for the girls to increase their BMI, as, in fact, the girls in the control group did.

"The idea that a book can positively influence weight loss and decrease BMI is encouraging because it's fairly easy to implement," says Dr. Sarah Armstrong, who specializes in Nutritional Disorders and Obesity at Duke. "And it's a welcome addition to a world where there aren't a lot of alternatives." Whether a healthier lifestyle is a good reason to read or reading is a good way to live a healthier life, I say it's a win-win situation.
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Roger, I've got some more suggested reading for your girls... these books definitely helped me.
The Best Little Girl In The World by Steven Levenkron
Wasted by Marya Hornbacher
Fasting Girls by Joan Jacobs Brumberg

P.S. The site-counter rolled over 20K yesterday (just 36 days). Woot! Starve on, lovelies.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Just a quick note because I'm working like a fucking beast this weekend.

I didn't get to do the saltwater flush on Wednesday... I just ran out of time. But I did manage to eat nothing, and only consumed cranberry juice and water, a coke zero and one vodka/club (at the promo) on Wednesday, and I looked pretty good in the event pictures. The dress didn't fit as loose as I would have liked, but I got a few compliments on my looks, though not my weight.

Thursday I did a food commercial, and they made me eat a few stale, cold, disgusting french fries. Sorry to ruin the movie magic for you, but those commercials add a LOT of weird things to make the food LOOK amazing, but it's only ACTING that makes it look like it tastes good. It gave me a good excuse for faking an upset stomach for the rest of the day. Heh.

Friday of course was my religious fast, and I lost 2 lbs this morning, which always happens.

But tonight I finally cracked and had 2 soy lattes and an apple bran muffin. I'm still taking five laxatives and two diuretics every day, but it doesn't seem to be impacting my digestion or my weight. So I may have to double up next week, we'll see.

Meantime, I'm going to start this week (starting right now at midnight) to fast for religious purposes on Sundays as well. If I can keep this up for about four weeks or so, I'll try to connect them into a full 3-day fast every week.

Night-night, skinny-mini's.