Yes, I was finally able to return to the gym last night. 8 miles. Woot!
Yet somehow, I'm another pound UP today. Damnit. I did eat all my 438-calories yesterday though, spaced out evenly through the day, so I hope that this morning's upset is a one-time affair that will remedy itself tomorrow after another day of obedient discipline.
However, I am thoroughly amused this afternoon by a very interesting comment I received (which I did not publish, by his/her own request). First of all, why write me a comment just for me to read and not to publish? This commenter wanted to know if I was posting from the USA and could not understand why I would CHOOSE to "do this to myself" when women in other countries around the world would "kill for my chances."
To start... I'm only answering this commenter not to try to make excuses or condone my actions in any way, but rather, just to explain myself and help my readers understand my way of thinking a little more. You seem like an intelligent-minded person... soooo, what exactly stimulated you to come looking for my blog? Were you seeking someone to bash? Or someone to imitate? Anyway... I'll bite.
Yes, I am posting from the USA. And let me mention that while I recognize that for many many women anorexia is actually a piteous, uncontrollable disease, I openly admit that mine is a choice. I starve myself on purpose, in an effort to lose weight, in an effort to hurt myself, and sometimes to hurt those around me. This choice did not originate without its environmental stimulus. I am a full-time actress and model in television, films, and theatre. It's my career, and it has been for over 10 years. No, I'm not an A-lister, but neither am I so unknown that I don't take great pains to maintain my anonymity as I blog about it.
Ever since the United States was created to escape the sovereign supremacy of a monarchy, American pop-culture has cultivated its own brand of "royalty." The masses of natural-born followers still desire model leaders and icons after which to pattern themselves. In modern times, those of us whose vocation requires us to be on display for a living have the additional responsibility of carrying that image off the screen and onto the sidewalk. We are held to these royal standards by the general American public: you the reader, the viewer, the dollar-toting "fan."
It doesn't take a genius to figure out what sells. Beauty is admirable - humans are hard-wired that way. And in the US, "beautiful" is worth money. So yes, in a way, this is my job. I know the pain of losing a job to the girl who is five pounds thinner. Even if she's five pounds "too thin", she's still thinner than me; therefore, she gets the job. In many cases, even if her talent SUCKS but her body makes tongues wag, SHE GETS THE JOB.
In show business, there is NO SUCH THING AS 'TOO THIN.' As long as I can work, no one actually cares how much I am or am not eating. As long as I look beautiful, I get paid. And until the world-at-large decides to stop voluntarily paying for the privilege of watching beautiful people work and play, I will continue to follow the rules set forth by generations of people who've come before me. I will do whatever it takes to do my job to the best of my ability.
Surely you also have a job about which you are so passionate?
All hard work comes with sacrifices. This is the life I chose, and that chose me. It's not a selfish desire. I don't do it to spite the unfortunate women of other countries who wish they had my opportunities. I do it to satisfy the curiosity of millions of people just like YOU who harbor that inner desire to live vicariously through the life of someone you admire.
You came looking for me. You got a little thrill in your heart reading my posts. Maybe there's even a little twinge of you that desires to be like me, perhaps?
If not, you wouldn't have come looking for my blog.
And... you wouldn't be here AGAIN, smiling because I've responded to your comment.
Thank you. I hope you got as much of a thrill reading as I got responding. Starve on.