Tuesday, September 30, 2008

“Unless you faint, puke, or die, KEEP WALKING!”
– Jillian Michaels, The Biggest Loser, NBC


I love this fucking firecracker of a woman! I watch this show while I'm on the cardio machines at the gym, and not only do the contestants serve as great reverse-triggers, but her screaming at them in Last-Chance workout sessions echoes thru my own brain for days after...

I didn't drink nearly enough water yesterday, so my workout was hard. The thought of Jillian kept me going to reach 7 miles before the gym closed and kicked me out. But I was able to successfully escape lunch on the set, and only gave in to a few bites of fat-free cottage cheese when I came home (40 cals) and a gardenburger after the gym (90 cals). This morning, it still didn't translate to a lost pound, but at least I haven't gained.

And I had another grey-out! (Someone in comments asked about this.) A grey-out is when you almost faint, but not quite. It describes what you see. In a black-out, you can see black creeping in from the outer edges of your vision -- that's you losing consciousness. When it reaches the center and everything goes totally black, that's the faint.

A grey-out is when you see the blackness come in from the edges and it almost reaches the center. But after experiencing this for enough years, I've learned how to catch it before it gets all the way dark, and reverse it. If you don't pass out all the way, just get really lightheaded and close to passing out, it's called a grey-out.

So yesterday on the set, I was all curled up in this comfy chair for a scene for like 45 minutes. My legs were all tangled up under me, and must have been cutting off my circulation in a weird way, because at one point when we took 5 and I got up to leave the set, I felt a grey-out suddenly come on. I must have stopped in my tracks and gotten really pale, because like 3 grips came running to catch me all of a sudden. But I recovered quick, and kept going and just sort of laughed it off. I love my grips, they fucking rock. And the best thing is, they usually don't say anything to the producers/directors about shit like that.

I can't believe I didn't lose even a single pound after I only ate 130 cals, took 5 laxatives, and ran 7 miles yesterday. But I didn't get the shits til this morning, so that tells me the restricting is going well. Today I'm adding water pills and cranberry juice to the mix. And looking forward to tomorrow's saltwater flush. Something's gotta give.

Oh, and now that the Oct 1st promo appearance is breathing down my neck, I just found out I have another appearance at a film festival on Oct. 12th. Woot! Another dress, another two weeks of extreme motivation to look forward to!

My favorite bit: "Emails!"

Anomymous says: Be careful with those laxies, they can make you bloat up more afterwards.

Thanks A. That's what the water pills and cranberry juice are for. ;)

And "the Danish girl" (whom I can now call C.) has returned with more harsh (but loving!) words about owning up to and defeating the excuses that make me weak. Thank you, C.! I'm really pleased that you're still reading, and still posting comments for me. Thanks for calling me out -- that's exactly why I write this blog: it makes me stronger when I know I have someone to answer to for my failures.

buccina (whose comment is not published, and whose real name is being protected by her own request) made an interesting proposal to me which I will, respectfully and without offense, decline. I'm more the kind who takes mine from a bottle with a child-proof cap. So/but, if you know where I can get some Adderall, let's talk. As for the saltwater thingy... it is designed with SEA SALT, so that it gets flushed out before it has a chance to absorb. Plus, I'm also taking laxatives, water pills, and cranberry juice too, so anything that does linger will also be flushed.

But I love your insight -- very educated. Keep posting. :)

L is joining me on the SWflush and wants to know what the original Danish comment said... Oh, I wish I remember it verbatim, love, but it was basically just calling me out on the fact that I'm making excuses for why I have to eat in public, when I really should be taking bigger risks in order to be truly ana. I probably won't get caught as often as I think anyway, and it's going to help me get off these plateaus. Loves it.

Ligeia needs affirmation. Honey, if you're on that underweight/normal cusp, you ARE beautiful! Indeed, you thinspire even ME! :) Keep it up, stay strong! The worst myth that ana perpetuates is that you are ALONE. Babe... just read the comments section here... or better yet, find me on facebook (search for Ana Regzig). We are a race of people (guys too!) who are THOUSANDS strong. Keep up the good work, and don't let your family's love get you down. (I need to drink more water too... thanks for the reminder in return. ;))

hana... you crack me up, lovey. Ana luvs it! Yes, an emptier stomach is *highly* recommended for the saltwater flush. You probably didn't pass out from the saltwater... take your time. You have a full 15 minutes to slog down 2 cups. Please be careful... I would hate for someone to find you passed out among that stuff and catch you in the act.

Indigo... no, you should definitely use SEA SALT. Regular table salt will go straight into your cells and puff you up, and it won't have the laxative/cleansing effect you're after. Not to mention, the spike in such a high concentrate of salt could be detrimental to your health, especially if you're already thin and empty-stomached. There's something about the sea salt that makes it pass thru you (and take everything in your bowels with it) before your body has the chance to absorb it. Uniodized sea salt can be found in the baking aisle of most major supermarkets, dirt cheap. Take the plunge.

Starve on, all my beautiful ana-bitches! Starve on.

16 comments:

Ligeia said...

Another post! :) so happy. I'm so jealous of your gym pass! I used to run six miles (one full hour) before I tore a ligament (totally unrelated to any health issues, accidental). I admire the hell outta you for SEVEN! that's the pushing!

You're going to look so good by the time the 12th rolls around! And don't worry about wednesday--the diuretic will help loosen up a good 3 lbs. Not eating the day before should lose ya 2 more.

You Will Look FIERCE! :)

So I tried to have nothing but my coffee yesterday, but then I remembered the metabolism thing so I endulged in a few baby carrots dipped lightly in the calorie-free dressing (which i fully know isn't completely calorie free, but that's why i only dip lightly) and it held me over. Took some asthema pills to surpress the hunger after work since that's often the hardest challenge--nighttime cravings.

I did think of the blog and all you lovely commenters yesterday when I had to pull a fast one during a visit to my mother's. She (without asking) ordered me food for dinner--and it was HORRIBLE! Greasy fried chicken strips (which actually *used* to be a staple for me in my younger days--before i became conscious of the evils of fried food) and FRENCH FRIES! It's so hard to resist those, especially when you've eaten only a few baby carrots. the smell wafting towards me, begging "just one".

BUT you'd be so proud! I went to the bathroom to figure out my plan, then I rushed out and pretended to be in a hurry. But to avoid suspicion, took a bite of one chicken strip, held it in my mouth, walked around pretending to gather stuff to go and once in a different room, I quickly spit it out, and took the rest "to munch on in traffic". Which totally made them think i was going to eat it.

I lost 3 lbs! Back down to 112 this morning! Underweight and happy again. Obviously, a lot of it was water weight, but I did drink a lot of water at "dinner" to help fill me up so I wouldn't eat what my fiance cooked, so maybe not?

Dinner, for me, was just a half a pouch of steamed broccoli, coated heavily with garlic pepper. yum! (gotta keep the metabolism going!)

Salt water flush tomorrow--I forgot and drank coffee too early today. I'm hoping to lose at least another 1-2 lbs today, if I don't have a substantial dinner. I don't really have a goal weight anymore, I just like to give myself a weight gain cushion.

sorry for the encyclopedia. i'll definately have to find ya on facebook

Ligeia said...

Oh and thanks for explaing a grey out! I've totally had those! crazy. I've always had a wierd condition that caused me to faint randomly anyways, so I wouldn't alarm too many people if I actually did. I call it some kind of clausterphobia/panic attack (sorry i'm sure the spelling's wrong) that usually comes from being in the smoking section of a heavily packed club--but has occured in different contexts too even years ago before I ever even met ana.

I ardently appreciate the affirmation and LOVE the welcome. i'm hooked honies.

And to my gorgeous supplier of all this thinspo, I'm soooo excited for you--you're gonna be so famous!! You keep up your discipline beautiful, because the thinner you are, the more roles you'll get!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

My little starving artist:)
- C.

hey.hana said...

The flush didn't make me pass out, the fact that I haven't slept more than five hours a night for a week made me pass out, and before I could drink all that disgustingness.

So I just chugged a couple glasses of water before bed, and I'm getting up for the flush again ((only this time I'll actually drink a quart)) and I certainly need to. I've been completely horrid about food lately - dunno if it's apathy or boredom or just the topsy turvyness that is my perception of life but i NEED to get back in control.

It's funny because how I'm doing with food/diet reflects how I'm doing with the rest of my life, but it still doesn't hit me to be focusing on my diet above all else ((instead I waste energy worrying about unimportant matters)).

Ah well, tomorrow is a new month, new leaf, new attempt to lose 15 lbs in 10 weeks ((totally do-able, I'm so stoked))

I should really ptfo now,
peace girly,:]
hana

Anonymous said...

hi, just happened upon your blog, love that you love jillian! she's awesome, all australian tbl's are on you tube and i spend way too much time watching them. good luck for the 12th.
take it easy, depaget.

Anonymous said...

hi!!!

im new and ive been reading your blogs for a while now!i been mia/ana for 7 years and im no expert but i do know a bit about keeping your self well, as im a nurse ironic i know but i just wanted to give you a heads up bout diuretics and just to be very carefull because that is one thing that can kill you, lack of fluid can cause serious heart problems and kidney prblems. the way i look at is if two pounds are due to water at least you know its not fat.
i hope your not annoyed at me pointing out the dangers because i love fasting but its just to be careful.
love your blog
xxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

hey;

i've just started reading this blog, and i think you are one hell of an amazing woman. incredible self control. think thin, girls!

- T.

L said...

Oh darling ana - i'm so happy to you that you posted again. i LOVE your Jillian quote - I remember her saying that too and nearly died. She's hysterical! Here is an "inspirational" one from her too:

"This is where it matters the most. This is where lives are made, in these moments when you can choose whether or not to say 'I can't' or 'I can'. It is a choice that will either make or break you for life."

I'm pretty down today because I'm starting to convince myself that my scale at home is telling me i'm wayyyyy lighter than I really am. Do any of you know of a "house hold" object to test it out with?

How did your promo go? I can't wait for your next post!

- L

Anonymous said...

hey! i love your blog, it's really helpful! really, it's helped me alot. I've lost ALMOST ten pounds already. One question though---do diuretics really work? I've heard that they just get rid of your water weight, and not actual flab/fat. Any insight?

Jesscuh said...

you are extremely inspiring. i'm really confused as to who you are lol i just looked up pro ana on google.I'll look for you on facebook. Some of your posts are just the same way that I am.. anyways, I'm going to go do a new excersise program I found...ttyl

Anonymous said...

I also am looking for adderral to help my fasting days, but still focus on work. Any of you lovlies have any ideas??

Dora said...

I just discovered this blog and wanted to respond to a comment you made in an earlier blog. You said:

"But I want to keep the earnest relationship I've developed with the Lord, and I know He will never condone my anorexic behavior."

I believe that God is different for everyone. Even people who share the same faith have a different view of what God is to them. I am very involved in my church and my relationship with the Lord and I don't think that He doesn't support my anorexic lifestyle. Afterall, the Bible states in several places that your body is a temple of the Lord and should be honored as such. You don't honor your body by filling it with poisons, which, if we're being honest, does include a lot of food and beverages. How many calories a day do you think the diciples consumed? Probably not more than a few hundred considering what was available to them.

I'm not trying to tell you your beliefs are wrong. I just wanted to offer you a different perspective on the situation and maybe give you some hope that your soul is not condemmed afterall.

Also consider that Seventh Day Adventist are vegetarians and have been since the religion was founded. They too base thier religious beliefs on the words of the Bible in which you can find passages that can be interpreted as meaning all animal life is sacred, therefore it should not be used as food. I wish I could remember the exact scriptures but I'm sure a quick Google search will give you the answer.

And, not to be long winded, but, it is almost absolute bullshit that people need "X" amount of calories per day in order to be healthy. There is a ton of research that shows having a low caloric intake actually increases your lifespan and makes you healthier. There is a whole group of people dedicated to low calorie lifestyles and no one calls them anorexic but they're doing the exact same thing us so called anorexics are doing - they're restricting!

The FDA mandates the stupid food pyramid which hasn't changed in the past 70 or so years. The FDA is also a business. And what is the main job of a business? To make money. It's like dumb milk commercials advertising those Got Milk ads in order to sell more milk. Ridiculous!

Ok, I'm done ranting now. But stay strong, stay positive, keep the faith, and now that no matter what anyone else may try to tell you, you're doing exactly what you need to be doing for you and your body. Afterall, nobody except for you is going to wake up tomorrow morning and have to live your life.

D~

Anonymous said...

You've sparked my interest with this salt water flush. Question: are you using coarse or fine sea salt? Does it make a difference? I'm considering giving it a try myself.

L said...

Ana - where are you? We miss you!?!?

Anonymous said...

the reason you aren't losing weight, or are losing slowly, is because your body is in starvation mode. by eating so few calories, you've convinced your body that in order to survive, it needs to slow down your metabolism so you burn as little as possible, and convert everything you eat into fat. you're anorexic.

shhhh im still ana said...

dont want anyone to know i told you this, but honestly, for me all i had to do was act like i was fully aware of my weight, that i just cant help it, im naturally skinny, i have a fast metabolism and cant gain weight when i try. Also i would mention how i just cant help that i dont enjoy eating fatty foods, not a fan of sugury stuff, dont like greasy foods, prefer fruits and veggies and healthy eating to the fat consumption of the average american. Anyway, what i tend to do, is just constantly have snacks around me as to create the illusion of eating alot. I also will get large portions of food so that people wont notice how much I actually ate. I would always just laugh and say "omg my eyes are so much bigger than my stomach" Truth be told if you really want to have that kind of discipline all you have to do is change your relationship with food. Instead of food being enjoyable make every bite of food disgusting in some way, acknowledge the annoyance of having to chew, the heaviness of food in your stomach...just make it so that every time you eat you feel crappy. Then you wont eat trust me. Really its about creating the illusion that you cant help how thin you are its natural, and that you are fully aware of your body and are health conscious of the dangers of ana so that no one will dare question you. Most people figure that if im so aware of the dangers of ana that i couldn't possibly be fully engaged in the lifestyle. Most people just look the other way and watch passively as i drop pounds.