Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Shit.

Just figured out that my roommates are planning a "surprise" party for me tonight. There's a ton of food in the fridge... all kinds of party munchies, dips, veggie platters, cookies, etc. And there's a fire-pit set up in the backyard for grilling.

Needless to say, I will be expected to EAT. At least publicly. Although I had already started this morning with my 1/2 cup of grapes, I now refuse to eat anything else until the party. And even then I'll have to carry around my faithful bottle of water, and see how many times I can get away with, "Oh, no thanks. I had one a minute ago - aren't they divine?" and "I just had a plateful a moment ago - I'm stuffed, I couldn't eat another bite! Ha ha!" and "Ooh, I'm still recovering from being sick, but thanks anyway!"

Fortunately/unfortunately, many of the friends that I expect to show up tonight know about my ED history. But mostly they know that it goes hand-in-hand with my depression problems. So as long as I can smile and mingle and continually circulate, I should be able to avoid most criticism, suspicion, and force-feeding. As long as I can play the pretty hostess and keep moving around the room, and keep sipping that water and serving others, I should be able to stay under 438 calories.

I'm gonna try like hell.

Do you think maybe my roomies have noticed my restricted eating habits in the last few weeks and that's why they're pulling this party? I mean seriously -- there's not really that much to "celebrate." It seems like they just needed a good excuse to throw a dinner party. Hmmmm... stay tuned for tomorrow's update. And pray that I can stay strong tonight.

6 comments:

bellesvelte said...

Hey!

I just started reading your blog =) I wanted to wish you the best for the evening...let me know how that goes...what's worse than being forcefed food is having to voluntairly do it yourself. Uggggggh, the pains we take to look 'normal'.

addictive said...

Hmm well first off good luck with the party...

to answer your question, I don't think they would throw a party just to get you to eat I mean in the past I have noticed that if people want others to eat they take them out to a restaurant or something smaller. It's less expensive and easier.
I don't know though

P.S:... Love the posts

Anonymous said...

Hi Ana.
You have no idea how relieved i am that you're back. Reading your blog,it feels as though i could've written it myself. I've been "healthy" for about three months now. Its amazing how quickly the weight has climbed back onto my fat disgusting body. I am at 140 now,i'm supposed to be happy that i'm "normal" again- but all i can think about is getting back to 120. At least.
I used to be so good at restricting,but now its like i have ZERO self-control. I cant say no anymore. Besides that,im constantly being watched. What can i do to get back into the swing of restricting properly?? How do i learn to just ignore food again? I want to be thin and beautiful again. I envy your ability to hold on. I want it back!!!! f

Anonymous said...

Hello,

I can feel with you! Parties are always a pain, all this food celebrating is disgusting... but as I read in your last text that you are "stuck" with the same weight. That might mean you are in a plateau maybe? Then you could do the best out of the party and use it for a "spike" (eating slightly more for 1 day to speed up the metabolism). Of course, it is better to keep to the healthier food though.
By the way, I hope they don't plan the party because they found out bout your ED... that would be quite a weird reason for a party O_o
P.S.Plz forgive me my bad english since it is not my native language ^^

Anonymous said...

It's hard to go back to ignoring once you lose control...especially once people around you suspect something. As for the party, I'd just keep an empty plate with you with some crumbs on it or something. It sounds gay, but it's a good deflector.

Anonymous said...

OK ladies. My sister had annorexia once too and I can spot many of the tricks and deceptions that she once used to veer clear of food in this blog. Helping my sister was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do. She would blatantly lie to our faces and have incredible tantrums. I hated her for it and her entire attitude towards food. Still, I came to understand that the only way to help her was to love her and make her happy again. I know very well that you will most probably ignore this (I know how stubborn you people can be), but I must still try... Please try AS HARD AS YOU CAN TO FIX YOUR PROBLEM. My sister was lucky enough to have a family that guided her through it but you might not... Find something that makes you happy that isn't avoiding food. Please.