Gained back 1 lb. today. Root.
Ok, so I confess. I haven't been eating the entire 438 cals most days while I've been sick. I been having my 1/2 cup of fat-free cottage cheese (80 cals) for breakfast, and my veggieburger (90 cals) for dinner. But I haven't been eating my frozen vegs (60 cals), or my kashi cereal (146 cals) (it's already stale by now, a good hint for those of you looking to cut cals... let your stuff go bad, then you won't want to eat it), and I've only been randomly eating my 1 cup frozen grapes (62 cals). But I have been serving myself one cup of warm apple cider (120 cals) first thing in the mornings to soothe the cough.
So that's about 300 calories per day, which is probably how I lost 4 lbs over the weekend, even with mostly sleeping and no exercise whatsoever.
But last night, as I was coming home from class, I got the urge for an emotional binge. It's the first thing I've done outside the walls of this house for almost an entire week -- I was on a high! When I was approaching the corner to turn right to go to Starbucks or left to go home, the voices in my head were fiercely arguing, and I think a bit of it even came out loud. "Don't do it, Ana... just go home. If you really need something to eat that bad, have your frozen grapes." "But a venti Starbucks is only liquid!" "But a venti Starbucks is 160 cals, and it's not on the prescribed menu. You haven't had your grapes yet today, and they're only 62 cals."
Thank God, I turned left and went home.
But the grapes didn't do it for me. I wasn't even hungry! It was more about satiating this emotional spike of hormones. The absolute best thing I did last week was to clear ALL the junk food out of this house. When I got here last night and was desperately searching for something to binge on, there was nothing, and that helped stop me from satisfying my obsession. I left the kitchen feeling somewhat defeated, but glad that I was just not ABLE to hurt myself with food. Instead I added a 10-cal Propel pack to my 3rd liter of water, and started scouring the internet for thinspo.
I got lots of new thinspo to add to the photobucket galleries, but the devil inside would not go away. I still hadn't eaten my frozen vegs or cereal. I went to the kitchen to get the baggie of cereal. I was only able to choke down about half of it, and zipped the rest up, disgusted by the taste, but glad I didn't finish it. With this morning's cup of cider, this was adding up (120+80+90+62+10+78=440... OVER, damnit).
After three days of being so good, I had lost 4 lbs. "What could one little binge hurt?" she whispered.
And then, almost right at midnight, I saw it. Two bags of cookie mix (powdered) that I've been saving to make cookies for a special occasion. Before I could think twice, I tore the bag open, grabbed a spoon, and started dishing it down my throat. Thank God it was powdered, and I still have a bit of a cough. After about six spoonfuls I practically gagged it all back up, wheezing and worrying about waking my already sleeping roommates. That was enough of that.
So if I'm an extra pound heavier today, I deserve it. Today I will be better, tomorrow, even moreso. I'm hoping to go back to the gym today, at least for a little short run. And I absolutely positively will not go off the 438-diet. No cider, and definitely no cookie dough mix. I need to lose 5 more lbs by Friday. Hopefully, adding back exercise and sticking to the 438 will do it.
Starve on, my little pretties, and be stronger than me. Show me how it's done. Starve on.