Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Gained back 1 lb. today. Root.

Ok, so I confess. I haven't been eating the entire 438 cals most days while I've been sick. I been having my 1/2 cup of fat-free cottage cheese (80 cals) for breakfast, and my veggieburger (90 cals) for dinner. But I haven't been eating my frozen vegs (60 cals), or my kashi cereal (146 cals) (it's already stale by now, a good hint for those of you looking to cut cals... let your stuff go bad, then you won't want to eat it), and I've only been randomly eating my 1 cup frozen grapes (62 cals). But I have been serving myself one cup of warm apple cider (120 cals) first thing in the mornings to soothe the cough.

So that's about 300 calories per day, which is probably how I lost 4 lbs over the weekend, even with mostly sleeping and no exercise whatsoever.

But last night, as I was coming home from class, I got the urge for an emotional binge. It's the first thing I've done outside the walls of this house for almost an entire week -- I was on a high! When I was approaching the corner to turn right to go to Starbucks or left to go home, the voices in my head were fiercely arguing, and I think a bit of it even came out loud. "Don't do it, Ana... just go home. If you really need something to eat that bad, have your frozen grapes." "But a venti Starbucks is only liquid!" "But a venti Starbucks is 160 cals, and it's not on the prescribed menu. You haven't had your grapes yet today, and they're only 62 cals."

Thank God, I turned left and went home.

But the grapes didn't do it for me. I wasn't even hungry! It was more about satiating this emotional spike of hormones. The absolute best thing I did last week was to clear ALL the junk food out of this house. When I got here last night and was desperately searching for something to binge on, there was nothing, and that helped stop me from satisfying my obsession. I left the kitchen feeling somewhat defeated, but glad that I was just not ABLE to hurt myself with food. Instead I added a 10-cal Propel pack to my 3rd liter of water, and started scouring the internet for thinspo.

I got lots of new thinspo to add to the photobucket galleries, but the devil inside would not go away. I still hadn't eaten my frozen vegs or cereal. I went to the kitchen to get the baggie of cereal. I was only able to choke down about half of it, and zipped the rest up, disgusted by the taste, but glad I didn't finish it. With this morning's cup of cider, this was adding up (120+80+90+62+10+78=440... OVER, damnit).

After three days of being so good, I had lost 4 lbs. "What could one little binge hurt?" she whispered.

And then, almost right at midnight, I saw it. Two bags of cookie mix (powdered) that I've been saving to make cookies for a special occasion. Before I could think twice, I tore the bag open, grabbed a spoon, and started dishing it down my throat. Thank God it was powdered, and I still have a bit of a cough. After about six spoonfuls I practically gagged it all back up, wheezing and worrying about waking my already sleeping roommates. That was enough of that.

So if I'm an extra pound heavier today, I deserve it. Today I will be better, tomorrow, even moreso. I'm hoping to go back to the gym today, at least for a little short run. And I absolutely positively will not go off the 438-diet. No cider, and definitely no cookie dough mix. I need to lose 5 more lbs by Friday. Hopefully, adding back exercise and sticking to the 438 will do it.

Starve on, my little pretties, and be stronger than me. Show me how it's done. Starve on.


Mei said...

Hi Ana :)

I've been reading your blog for a while, and recently have decided that I do have the discipline and strength to make the plunge and really make the effort to live this lifestyle. However, my friends are already worried about me and my family are very observant, so while I can definitely restrict at school I know I'll have difficulty at home. My problems are illustrated a bit more on my blog, and I'd really appreciate it if you read it!

I know they probably aren't worth your time, but I would be so grateful if you or anyone else read it and/or gave me some pointers.

Thank you so much! Your blog is one of my main thinsporations!

Stay strong- you're doing brilliantly! :)


Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness... You're doing so much better than I. Check out my bad luck... I'm fat as hell! I thought I was 135 which sucks in the first place, but I went to the doc this morning and found out my scale was off by 8.5 lbs!!! Which means hello? ??!! I'm 143.5. F@#@$! So don't worry. You are doing well...I thought I was down some weight but now I realize that I was fatter than I even imagined to begin with!!!! I'm 5'4, and 31 years old. I so need some motivation to go on!!! My roomate is a recovered ana and a huge feminist so she calls me out on stuff too so its so hard. She's alwasy freakin encouraging me to eat and she noticed my salt water stuff the other day!!! Sorry about the long comment. Thanks for all the inspirational blog. I just felt like telling you about me...I'm glad you're blogging again mama.

hey.hana said...

to start, thanks for responding to me! I'm so confident in your ability to control yourself - you can so easily I promise. And no matter what you'll knock em dead at that promotional whatsit deal.

So I'm enjoying the end of my second day of fasting. All I've had is one can of v8 over the last two days and half a bottle of boone's farm ((I know, I know. But it's there, and so so good)) and gum.

I'm so excited because as I figure it, each day will be easier than the last.

Something that sucks though is my mother. She says I look too skinny ((I sooo don't, trust me)) and she keeps bringing up food and shit. Although for all she knows I always eat breakfast and I used to eat constantly in front of her. I binged in front of her this past weekend, actually.

So what's her problem? How can I get her off my back without breaking my fast for a week or so? Slash there isn't any other way besides eating?

The worst part is she got on my case in front of this boy who knows I'm fasting. I kept offering explanations after my mother left but each one sounded more than the last like I was covering up something serious.

Gah! I just need a guide or something of things I should and should NOT say to people concerning eating. Or perhaps just someone willing to kill my mother for dieting tips ha ha ha j/k. Or am I?

I just feel like you're so strong and you know much more than I do..
I need advice... I don't want to do something stupid that will completely fuck me over, you know?

All right... I'm done unloading my life on you haha

to the bones,

L said...

You're doing fine my Ana friend. How many LBs do you have left until the promo in October?

I must say, eating powered cookie mix has never crossed my mind ;) , but I had a pretty bad binge on peanut butter balls (dipped in chocolate) last night :( .

have you been able to hit up the gym yet? you'll start MELTING off pounds when you get back in the swing of it.

Good luck - taste the thin!!