Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Can I just take a quick moment to say how much I bloody LOVE reading ya'lls comments. Thank you. Really. It's the very first thing I go to when I log on, I check the comments, and it's a thrill to me to know that there are people out there who actually want to hear what I have to say and are willing to talk back. Ya'll seriously ARE my thinspiration. *Mwah.*

Ok, enough. I think this week's diet has officially been dubbed "438", for the number of calories consumed daily. I did great yesterday, even got in some conditioning calisthenics last night. (Still can't go to the gym for the infection in my lungs. I *must* get well so I can get back to work; I'm a workaholic, and that :::sigh::: does usurp my desire to be thin. It's a fucking crime that they go hand-in-hand: wanna work in this biz? Gotta be thin.) I felt like I was doing good and that surely this would be the day I'd get over this damn plateau.

But this morning the scale showed the same damn number! Ugh! Partly I'm mad because I'm getting frustrated being stuck. But I also know that once I can be on this diet AND have a chance to get back to doing some serious cardio in the gym, I'll finally jump the hurdle. It's just so frustrating waiting for that...

I guess my stress must have gotten to me today. I had a modeling shoot this afternoon, and I was feeling great. I always feel better in front of the camera, but today... having that little bit of soreness in my abs and in my back from conditioning last night, I felt fucking brilliant! Of the three models in the shoot, the photographer clearly liked my work the best. Oh, I can just hear the happy phone call my agent's gonna get tomorrow and the future bookings I'm gonna get from this...

But then something really strange happened. When the shoot was over and I went back into the bathroom to change back into my street clothes, there was a fucking cow in the mirror! I don't know what it was. I felt like I was about 100 lbs out there in the lights for the photographer who was playing with me, even getting feisty -- we were having such a good time! But then I saw my real weight in the mirror and it was a HUGE LETDOWN. My mood flipped like a switch. I packed up my things and practically walked out of the building with my head drooped down to my ankles. I felt like shit.

So I stopped into the store on the way home just to pick up some notebooks I needed, and they were handing out free samples of potato chips to each customer. I don't even LIKE fucking potato chips, nevermind that they are SO not on this diet plan. But out of sheer hate for myself, I took the bag, and once I got back home, the first thing I did was read the back (150 calories) and then I dove into them. Ugh.

I knew the salt would be bad for my healing. I knew the carbs are going straight to my hips. But at that moment I didn't fucking care. I just wanted to hurt myself soooooo bad.

Luckily, since I cleared out my cabinets this weekend, there was nothing else I could binge on after that. Thank God. 'Cause you know, I sure-nuf was looking.

A few hours later, I got my senses together, unpacked and did other stuff around the house to get a little semi-cardio in for the day. (Gotta do whatever I can... this is my FIFTH day of being sick and banished from the gym.) So tonight, I decided to skip the gardenburger (90 cals), and I only ate about half of that bag of cereal (71.5 cals). Hopefully that adds up.

Ugh. I hope you girlies are being strong, stronger than me. I had moments today where I really felt, "Ya know what? It's actually EASIER to all-out STARVE, because at least then once the hunger pains go away, they stay away. With this 'eating sometimes' thing, I'm constantly hearing my stomach grumble for more."

But I have to remind myself that that stomach-grumbling is also keeping my metabolism chugging, no matter how fucking slow. If the metabolism stops, this is all for fucking naught.

Jesus, I gotta get well so I can get back to the gym. I'm so pissed at myself today, I'd have had a helluva run tonight.

And then I just found out that I have to make a promotional appearance for this major project I starred in back in June on October 1st. I'll be in front of, not only my whole cast and crew from that project, but also all the investors, producers, blah blah blah. The biggest spotlight will be on ME.

The first question is: what am I gonna wear?
The next question is: how much can I shrink out of it in the next 2 weeks?

Starve on, my skinny bitches, starve on.


L said...

I read your words and can't get beyond the eerie similarities in my thoughts and yours... you can just articulate how I feel. It's mad!!!

I had a slight binge last night too and can't stop dwelling over. I am counting down the minutes until I can work out during lunch.

Don't buy anything to wear just yet... because you'll definitely shrink tons by then. it's two whole weeks!! When you put your mind to it, nothing will get in your way.

Stay strong and get healthy so you can hit up the gym.

Anonymous said...

All I Have To Say Is....WOW.