Tuesday, September 30, 2008

“Unless you faint, puke, or die, KEEP WALKING!”
– Jillian Michaels, The Biggest Loser, NBC


I love this fucking firecracker of a woman! I watch this show while I'm on the cardio machines at the gym, and not only do the contestants serve as great reverse-triggers, but her screaming at them in Last-Chance workout sessions echoes thru my own brain for days after...

I didn't drink nearly enough water yesterday, so my workout was hard. The thought of Jillian kept me going to reach 7 miles before the gym closed and kicked me out. But I was able to successfully escape lunch on the set, and only gave in to a few bites of fat-free cottage cheese when I came home (40 cals) and a gardenburger after the gym (90 cals). This morning, it still didn't translate to a lost pound, but at least I haven't gained.

And I had another grey-out! (Someone in comments asked about this.) A grey-out is when you almost faint, but not quite. It describes what you see. In a black-out, you can see black creeping in from the outer edges of your vision -- that's you losing consciousness. When it reaches the center and everything goes totally black, that's the faint.

A grey-out is when you see the blackness come in from the edges and it almost reaches the center. But after experiencing this for enough years, I've learned how to catch it before it gets all the way dark, and reverse it. If you don't pass out all the way, just get really lightheaded and close to passing out, it's called a grey-out.

So yesterday on the set, I was all curled up in this comfy chair for a scene for like 45 minutes. My legs were all tangled up under me, and must have been cutting off my circulation in a weird way, because at one point when we took 5 and I got up to leave the set, I felt a grey-out suddenly come on. I must have stopped in my tracks and gotten really pale, because like 3 grips came running to catch me all of a sudden. But I recovered quick, and kept going and just sort of laughed it off. I love my grips, they fucking rock. And the best thing is, they usually don't say anything to the producers/directors about shit like that.

I can't believe I didn't lose even a single pound after I only ate 130 cals, took 5 laxatives, and ran 7 miles yesterday. But I didn't get the shits til this morning, so that tells me the restricting is going well. Today I'm adding water pills and cranberry juice to the mix. And looking forward to tomorrow's saltwater flush. Something's gotta give.

Oh, and now that the Oct 1st promo appearance is breathing down my neck, I just found out I have another appearance at a film festival on Oct. 12th. Woot! Another dress, another two weeks of extreme motivation to look forward to!

My favorite bit: "Emails!"

Anomymous says: Be careful with those laxies, they can make you bloat up more afterwards.

Thanks A. That's what the water pills and cranberry juice are for. ;)

And "the Danish girl" (whom I can now call C.) has returned with more harsh (but loving!) words about owning up to and defeating the excuses that make me weak. Thank you, C.! I'm really pleased that you're still reading, and still posting comments for me. Thanks for calling me out -- that's exactly why I write this blog: it makes me stronger when I know I have someone to answer to for my failures.

buccina (whose comment is not published, and whose real name is being protected by her own request) made an interesting proposal to me which I will, respectfully and without offense, decline. I'm more the kind who takes mine from a bottle with a child-proof cap. So/but, if you know where I can get some Adderall, let's talk. As for the saltwater thingy... it is designed with SEA SALT, so that it gets flushed out before it has a chance to absorb. Plus, I'm also taking laxatives, water pills, and cranberry juice too, so anything that does linger will also be flushed.

But I love your insight -- very educated. Keep posting. :)

L is joining me on the SWflush and wants to know what the original Danish comment said... Oh, I wish I remember it verbatim, love, but it was basically just calling me out on the fact that I'm making excuses for why I have to eat in public, when I really should be taking bigger risks in order to be truly ana. I probably won't get caught as often as I think anyway, and it's going to help me get off these plateaus. Loves it.

Ligeia needs affirmation. Honey, if you're on that underweight/normal cusp, you ARE beautiful! Indeed, you thinspire even ME! :) Keep it up, stay strong! The worst myth that ana perpetuates is that you are ALONE. Babe... just read the comments section here... or better yet, find me on facebook (search for Ana Regzig). We are a race of people (guys too!) who are THOUSANDS strong. Keep up the good work, and don't let your family's love get you down. (I need to drink more water too... thanks for the reminder in return. ;))

hana... you crack me up, lovey. Ana luvs it! Yes, an emptier stomach is *highly* recommended for the saltwater flush. You probably didn't pass out from the saltwater... take your time. You have a full 15 minutes to slog down 2 cups. Please be careful... I would hate for someone to find you passed out among that stuff and catch you in the act.

Indigo... no, you should definitely use SEA SALT. Regular table salt will go straight into your cells and puff you up, and it won't have the laxative/cleansing effect you're after. Not to mention, the spike in such a high concentrate of salt could be detrimental to your health, especially if you're already thin and empty-stomached. There's something about the sea salt that makes it pass thru you (and take everything in your bowels with it) before your body has the chance to absorb it. Uniodized sea salt can be found in the baking aisle of most major supermarkets, dirt cheap. Take the plunge.

Starve on, all my beautiful ana-bitches! Starve on.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

This morning, I'm still five lbs away from my goal weight for Wednesday's promo appearance for my movie. Restricted all weekend, and got in some killer cardio, but here I am, still not thin enough. And only 57 hours left until the camera-bulbs start immortalizing my current figure.

I do have to be on-set today (playing a DEPRESSED grad student - how appropriate!), but I am committing right now to not "use my job as an excuse." (God bless the Danish girl who wrote me such a nasty comment, that I am now regretting having rejected -- your words have reverberated in my head all weekend and kept me strong!) I will avoid the craft services at all costs, yes, even if it pisses off the caterer. And hopefully I can fake enough of a stomachache in the morning to get me out of lunch. All I will need is a good place to "hide" where I can pretend to be "working thru lunch."

But so far it looks like I'll have both Tuesday and Wednesday off. In addition to fasting from all food, and limiting liquids to diluted grapefruit and cranberry juices (natural diuretics), Tuesday I'm going to super-dose on the laxatives while my roommates are at work, and Wednesday I'm going to do my first saltwater flush in a long time. It's probably going to hurt like hell, but it will be SOOOO worth it when the dress fits loose on Wednesday night.

(I know you're going to ask; everyone does.) What's a saltwater flush?
This was the reaction to one of my first saltwater flushes.
This was a post of some of the other perks of a saltwater flush.
This is a post answering a comment about the saltwater flush.
And this is the LINK TO THE RECIPE, in case you'd like to try a SWFlush with me.

Who's with me? Leave a comment. Let's support each other, girlies.
Ana-luv to ya.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Yesterday's true fast gave me 2 pounds off. But overall, I realize that I've only lost five pounds this month. This is unacceptable, especially when I wanted to be another five pounds lighter by next Wednesday's promo appearance. That's only five days away.

I've got the dress I want to wear, and it fits well, but will look better with a little more room in it. So I'm not eating again today.

I had my first gray-out in a long time yesterday. Loved it.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Back up that one pound again today. Figures.

Got a good whiplash from a Danish skinny today in the comments. Thanks, lovey, I needed that.

Damn noreaster making the weather depressing here, so I'm not eating today. Bluh.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Thank God I'm back to work finally! BUT, it comes with a price.

I had to have lunch on-set today with my cast/crew. I HATE catered craft services!! And P.A.'s who think you're so frail and thin that you must be fed on every fucking "take 5." Sometimes I just want to scream, "SOD OFF!!!"

But I don't, of course. Instead, I'm obligated to smile and be marveled by the generosity of the spread and say, “Wow! Everything looks so good, it’s so hard to choose!” and then pile a little bit of everything on my plate. Why can these people never get a clue and start making some healthy shit? I ate a few cherry tomatoes with feta cheese (drizzled with olive oil), and a little bit of salad, and had about a bite each of the fish, asparagus, roast beef, and steak fries. Ugh. After eating so little for so long, my stomach has shrunk and I got real bloated real fast. Of course, my lack of eating did not go unnoticed and made for some real awkward moments in the second half of the day.

I hate myself for not being more clever with the excuses. As much as I love my job, I hate my career. That’s enough for today.

In the words of Dr. Horrible: “Emails!”

Anonymous/L wants to know some “good foods to eat, some of my common meals that are healthy and low-cal so she can start a 2-4-6-8 diet.

Love ya, girlie, but you’re asking for diet advice from someone who prefers NOT TO EAT. Do some googling, there are loads of pro-ana lists out there that include watermelon, celery, sugar-free popsicles and jello. You just have to find whatever works for you. Something that will satisfy your cravings (so you don’t binge) without eating too much. For me, I look for high-fiber, low-fat and low-cal foods. When labels fail, use sites like nutitiondata.com and calorie-count.com to find info.

P.S. I’ve done that diet too. I tried once when a week was 2-0-6-0-4-8-0, and once when a week was 2-6-4-8-0-0-0. I liked the second way better, but it’s different for everyone. Depends on what your schedule is like.

Anonymous has tried every diet and nothing seems to work and is now considering turning to ana as well. She wants to know, would I ever advise another aspiring actress to do the same?

No, I would never ADVISE someone to “try anorexia.” Who in their right mind would? Anorexia kills.

(PSA quota for the week? Check.)

That being said… I would, however, recommend you keep trying different methods until you find the one that works for you. And that means NOTHING is off-limits. Catch my drift? If it works for you, gives you the results you want, don’t let me or anyone else discourage you.

Peace, ma-cheries. Starve on.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Yes, I was finally able to return to the gym last night. 8 miles. Woot!

Yet somehow, I'm another pound UP today. Damnit. I did eat all my 438-calories yesterday though, spaced out evenly through the day, so I hope that this morning's upset is a one-time affair that will remedy itself tomorrow after another day of obedient discipline.

However, I am thoroughly amused this afternoon by a very interesting comment I received (which I did not publish, by his/her own request). First of all, why write me a comment just for me to read and not to publish? This commenter wanted to know if I was posting from the USA and could not understand why I would CHOOSE to "do this to myself" when women in other countries around the world would "kill for my chances."

To start... I'm only answering this commenter not to try to make excuses or condone my actions in any way, but rather, just to explain myself and help my readers understand my way of thinking a little more. You seem like an intelligent-minded person... soooo, what exactly stimulated you to come looking for my blog? Were you seeking someone to bash? Or someone to imitate? Anyway... I'll bite.

Yes, I am posting from the USA. And let me mention that while I recognize that for many many women anorexia is actually a piteous, uncontrollable disease, I openly admit that mine is a choice. I starve myself on purpose, in an effort to lose weight, in an effort to hurt myself, and sometimes to hurt those around me. This choice did not originate without its environmental stimulus. I am a full-time actress and model in television, films, and theatre. It's my career, and it has been for over 10 years. No, I'm not an A-lister, but neither am I so unknown that I don't take great pains to maintain my anonymity as I blog about it.

Ever since the United States was created to escape the sovereign supremacy of a monarchy, American pop-culture has cultivated its own brand of "royalty." The masses of natural-born followers still desire model leaders and icons after which to pattern themselves. In modern times, those of us whose vocation requires us to be on display for a living have the additional responsibility of carrying that image off the screen and onto the sidewalk. We are held to these royal standards by the general American public: you the reader, the viewer, the dollar-toting "fan."

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what sells. Beauty is admirable - humans are hard-wired that way. And in the US, "beautiful" is worth money. So yes, in a way, this is my job. I know the pain of losing a job to the girl who is five pounds thinner. Even if she's five pounds "too thin", she's still thinner than me; therefore, she gets the job. In many cases, even if her talent SUCKS but her body makes tongues wag, SHE GETS THE JOB.

In show business, there is NO SUCH THING AS 'TOO THIN.' As long as I can work, no one actually cares how much I am or am not eating. As long as I look beautiful, I get paid. And until the world-at-large decides to stop voluntarily paying for the privilege of watching beautiful people work and play, I will continue to follow the rules set forth by generations of people who've come before me. I will do whatever it takes to do my job to the best of my ability.

Surely you also have a job about which you are so passionate?

All hard work comes with sacrifices. This is the life I chose, and that chose me. It's not a selfish desire. I don't do it to spite the unfortunate women of other countries who wish they had my opportunities. I do it to satisfy the curiosity of millions of people just like YOU who harbor that inner desire to live vicariously through the life of someone you admire.

You came looking for me. You got a little thrill in your heart reading my posts. Maybe there's even a little twinge of you that desires to be like me, perhaps?

If not, you wouldn't have come looking for my blog.
And... you wouldn't be here AGAIN, smiling because I've responded to your comment.

Thank you. I hope you got as much of a thrill reading as I got responding. Starve on.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The new counter just rolled over 10,000 views. In 20 days.

Ya'll fucking ROCK!
Gained back 1 lb. today. Root.

Ok, so I confess. I haven't been eating the entire 438 cals most days while I've been sick. I been having my 1/2 cup of fat-free cottage cheese (80 cals) for breakfast, and my veggieburger (90 cals) for dinner. But I haven't been eating my frozen vegs (60 cals), or my kashi cereal (146 cals) (it's already stale by now, a good hint for those of you looking to cut cals... let your stuff go bad, then you won't want to eat it), and I've only been randomly eating my 1 cup frozen grapes (62 cals). But I have been serving myself one cup of warm apple cider (120 cals) first thing in the mornings to soothe the cough.

So that's about 300 calories per day, which is probably how I lost 4 lbs over the weekend, even with mostly sleeping and no exercise whatsoever.

But last night, as I was coming home from class, I got the urge for an emotional binge. It's the first thing I've done outside the walls of this house for almost an entire week -- I was on a high! When I was approaching the corner to turn right to go to Starbucks or left to go home, the voices in my head were fiercely arguing, and I think a bit of it even came out loud. "Don't do it, Ana... just go home. If you really need something to eat that bad, have your frozen grapes." "But a venti Starbucks is only liquid!" "But a venti Starbucks is 160 cals, and it's not on the prescribed menu. You haven't had your grapes yet today, and they're only 62 cals."

Thank God, I turned left and went home.

But the grapes didn't do it for me. I wasn't even hungry! It was more about satiating this emotional spike of hormones. The absolute best thing I did last week was to clear ALL the junk food out of this house. When I got here last night and was desperately searching for something to binge on, there was nothing, and that helped stop me from satisfying my obsession. I left the kitchen feeling somewhat defeated, but glad that I was just not ABLE to hurt myself with food. Instead I added a 10-cal Propel pack to my 3rd liter of water, and started scouring the internet for thinspo.

I got lots of new thinspo to add to the photobucket galleries, but the devil inside would not go away. I still hadn't eaten my frozen vegs or cereal. I went to the kitchen to get the baggie of cereal. I was only able to choke down about half of it, and zipped the rest up, disgusted by the taste, but glad I didn't finish it. With this morning's cup of cider, this was adding up (120+80+90+62+10+78=440... OVER, damnit).

After three days of being so good, I had lost 4 lbs. "What could one little binge hurt?" she whispered.

And then, almost right at midnight, I saw it. Two bags of cookie mix (powdered) that I've been saving to make cookies for a special occasion. Before I could think twice, I tore the bag open, grabbed a spoon, and started dishing it down my throat. Thank God it was powdered, and I still have a bit of a cough. After about six spoonfuls I practically gagged it all back up, wheezing and worrying about waking my already sleeping roommates. That was enough of that.

So if I'm an extra pound heavier today, I deserve it. Today I will be better, tomorrow, even moreso. I'm hoping to go back to the gym today, at least for a little short run. And I absolutely positively will not go off the 438-diet. No cider, and definitely no cookie dough mix. I need to lose 5 more lbs by Friday. Hopefully, adding back exercise and sticking to the 438 will do it.

Starve on, my little pretties, and be stronger than me. Show me how it's done. Starve on.

Monday, September 22, 2008

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As of 11:41 this morning, HAPPY AUTUMN EVERYONE!!!!
Seriously, this is my favorite season of the year.


And to start it off right, I'm down 2 lbs today! Woot! I guess now that the sickness is wearing off, my body's metabolism is back into gear. I'm back to the weight I was when we concluded principal photography for my last film, for which I am making a promotional appearance on October 1st, so.... I still have 9 days to lose even more! (Still have 5 lbs to go to achieve my LW during filming...)

And overnight there's been LOTS of BRILLIANT comments! Woot! (I LOVE comments.) So here I'm going to take some time to respond to some... keep 'em coming, girlies. Ana luvs you. **MWAH!**

L writes: wait a minute, if this party was for you, why was SHE there?
And Anonymous writes: Seriously, though, why the hell would she go?

(L and Anonymous are referring to the "fat whore" for whom my boyfriend left me, and who attended my "surprise" party without him last Thursday. Click here for that post.) Well, technically we're still "friends" and we have many mutual friends who were also at the party. In this business, you try never to burn bridges with anyone. Most actresses will tell you, "We never catfight!" and it's true. But that doesn't mean they don't keep their claws sharpened and ready for action behind that Cheshire smile. "Fat whore" and I were quite cordial that night. When I hugged her I felt her back fat, and I hope she noticed my shoulder blades. ::smirk::

hana has some questions about fasting.

Quite honestly, love, it's different for everyone. Everyone's body is different, chemistry is different, lifestyles are different, and so being... everyone will respond differently to fasting/restricting. Sometimes fasting has worked quite well for me. Other times in my life, restricting has worked better.

You just have to experiment with different things/styles of fasting/restricting to find out what works best for your own body to achieve your own goals. If I want to lose one pound by the end of the week, I can lightly restrict and exercise moderately and get the job done. But if I want to lose four... well, that's a different story.

I'm here to support you and encourage you, no matter what you choose. All I ask is a little encouragment in return. (Keep writing those comments.) ;)

Anonymous writes about helping to rescue her sister from anorexia, and recognizing her symptoms in the things we (myself and the commenters) have written here.

Thanks for commenting, girl. I agree with you. No one said this lifestyle/disease was pleasant or easy, on those of us who do it, or on those who love us best. I've published your comment (perhaps to your surprise) because I hope it will encourage someone to take heed and get out before they get too deep. As for me, I still "find happiness in avoiding food."

...

That's it for now, chickiboos. Meantime, I've added my slideshows to the names of some of the skinny actresses in the blog post below, so breeze thru it again and click on the links for some thinspiration.

Starve on.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Actresses show a lot of skinny
04:49 PM PT, Sep 17 2008

Here’s a news flash — young actresses these days are very, very thin. Reporting live from in front of their television sets, the editors of Entertainment Weekly and Us Weekly are shocked, shocked to discover that several female members of the cast of “90210” appear to have last eaten some time during the fifth grade. Since then, Jessica Stroup (who plays Silver, right in photo) and Shenae Grimes (Annie) have apparently subsisted on iced coffee and breath strips.

There is no denying that Stroup and Grimes look more than a little frightening — you have to wonder if the show’s producers tried to save money by casting by the pound. But it’s a bit disingenuous, not to mention tedious, for the entertainment press, which produces no greater praise than when a star sheds baby weight or other unsightly poundage, to dutifully trot out experts wringing their hands and disgorging boilerplate about the specter of an eating-disorder epidemic.

For one thing, unless you have the misfortune to be an aspiring actress, most eating disorders usually have roots far deeper and more complicated than wanting to look like Jenny on “Gossip Girl.” Despite years of television’s attempt to pare women down to skin and bones, we are in the midst of a childhood obesity epidemic; even the Gap carries size 16 nowadays.

“90210” is unusual only in its choice to buck tradition. Historically, the skeletalization of women on an ensemble show has followed a pandemic model — one horrifyingly thin actress (Calista Flockhart, Courteney Cox, Lara Flynn Boyle) “infects” the rest of the cast until by, say, Season 3, all of the women are shopping for negative sizes.

And it seems a little unfair to pick on the newbies when over at “Grey’s Anatomy,” Ellen Pompeo remains so slender she makes Katherine Heigl seem heavy, and America Ferrera has lost so much weight, it looks as if they have to pad her to play her average-sized character on “Ugly Betty.”

Their talent isn’t thin
In fact, more shocking than the sight of today’s waif-like 20-year-olds are the ranks of underfed fortysomethings who star in some of the most critically acclaimed shows on television. Kyra Sedgwick of “The Closer” and Holly Hunter of “Saving Grace” are two of the more talented human beings on the planet — and if you put them together, you might be able to fill out a pair of size 8 Lucky Brand jeans. Hunter especially is so thin that whenever she takes off her shirt, which she does quite a lot, you can feel the sweat of a thousand reps rise off your own skin. The ladies of “Desperate Housewives” are so far gone in terms of resembling humans that it’s almost laughable to mention them, but even Felicity Huffman, self-described former “fat girl,” has lost so much weight that when she wears those plunging necklines you can count her ribs.

Much was made of how terrific the “Sex and the City” gals looked in their big-screen debut, but when Sarah Jessica Parker appeared whippet thin in skimpy pajamas, the value of body fat on a woman older than 40 was instantly and abundantly clear — do we really want to be able to identify whole muscle groups in the middle of a cuddle scene? Probably not.

For years, feminists have insisted that the paring down of women on television is political, that as women gain social and economic power, society attempts to achieve some sort of balance by belittling them. Literally.

Me, I think it comes down to the tyranny of the tank top.

When did it become mandatory for every actress, no matter what her age or natural body type, to look good in a teeny-tiny tank top? Not just good, but good enough to wear them on television. In every episode of whatever show they’re starring in. Cops in tank tops, lawyers in tank tops, fashion editors and stay-at-home moms. You know why the women of “Mad Men” look so fabulous? Because they don’t have to wear a freaking tank top.

What first appeared as adorable sleepwear on shows like “Friends” now has become de rigueur for any situation, on women of any age. Both Hunter’s Grace and Sedgwick’s Brenda live in T-tees and sleeveless dresses. Over on HBO’s “True Blood,” poor Anna Paquin is wearing tanks so wee they look like toddlers’ undershirts. “Weeds” is set in Southern California, so at least Mary-Louise Parker’s Nancy Botwin has an excuse for all those spaghetti straps and baby-doll dresses, but the ladies of “Lipstick Jungle” huddle over their lattes in sleeveless silk and linen, never mind that it’s autumn in New York and sleeting.

Seriously, it may be the most oppressive instrument of fashion since the chastity belt. Yes, Linda Hamilton looked great when she buffed up for “Terminator 2,” but those biceps were necessary to save the world. Wouldn’t it be better for actors to spend time working on, say, their Southern accents than doing endless sets of pull-ups? Do we really want a generation of women with arms like Madonna?

You would think that producers would lighten up a little and let the tank top go. Or at least acknowledge that a woman can be sassy and attractive and still wear long sleeves (or even short sleeves).

For one thing, it would probably cut down on all the on-set drama. When you haven’t eaten in 17 days, when whatever free time you have is spent lifting free weights, when you face a wardrobe full of clothing designed for a 12-year-old, it’s hard not to be a seem a little “difficult.”

But, more important, a move away from tank-top skinny would improve the general aesthetic of television. The current cavalcade of wafer-thin, over-toned and stringy women can be quite depressing to watch. You worry too much about their general health. Are they smoking too much? Taking those weird Chinese herbs that are really just natural speed? Do they not remember when Jamie-Lynn Sigler almost had to quit “The Sopranos” because she got too thin?

The real problem with the eating-challenged actresses of “90210” is not that they’re going to jump-start a cult of anorexia but that they’re going to ruin their own show. How can you, the viewer, concentrate on the drama of the story if you’re worrying that Grimes and Stroup will literally collapse before your eyes?

-- Mary McNamara
Photo: The CW

Saturday, September 20, 2008

What up, skinny bitches?

I've been so sick in the last 36 hours, that there's not much to tell here. Been sleeping, coughing, drinking water, and sleeping. No food since the party. Don't even have the energy to weigh myself. Ugh.

But I wanted to send a shout-out to one of the commenters. anonymous said:
i have been trying to starve myself for AGES but watever happens after 3 days i have to binge!!!! so i end up putting on most of the weight i lost.
tsk, tsk, tsk... This is not a weight-loss plan, honey. This is a lifestyle. What you're doing is crash dieting. If you're serious about weight-loss, you have to find something you can stick with for a lifetime. Set yourself some long-term achievable goals, and then "slow and steady wins the race." Try eating about 1200 calories a day and exercising moderately 3-5 times a week.

At least that's what "the experts" say. To the rest of my skinny-minnies, starve on.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Good news and bad news.

The good news first: I was able to mingle enough yesterday at the "surprise" party that I only ate 2 celery sticks all night. No dip, nothing else. Ha! And this after having only had 1/2 cup of frozen grapes in the morning.

The bad news is: I guess I haven't entirely recovered from the sickness I caught last weekend, because somewhere between all the talking over loud music with a thousand people and sitting around a backyard campfire, inhaling the smoke, I lost my voice again. FAST. And it hurt like hell too. So I kept trying to sooth it with warm apple cider. Which unfortunately came at about 60 cals per cup. And I had about 5 cups.

So overall, I still stayed under 438 calories, albeit mostly liquid. But today, all day, I've been laid up in bed again, steaming the hell out of my bedroom, just trying to keep from coughing and damaging my voice worse. Which means this will be just one more weekend I can't go to the gym. (Expletive.)

But I guess the good news outweighs the bad, no pun intended. I finally broke through that plateau this morning and lost one pound. I'm still 2 lbs over where I'm supposed to be right now, but again, I'll have to hope to be able to make them up next week.

Oh, and one more bit of good news. Part of my strategy to keep moving involved being the evening's photographer. Remember the "fat whore my ex-boyfriend left me for"? (CLICK HERE to see last year's post.) She came to my party, still fat as ever. (HE, by the way, let her come alone because he didn't have the balls to face me!) Although she's a singer/actress "by trade", times have been tough for her lately, and she's been working an office job for the past 8 months. (Can't imagine why? Um, because no one WANTS a fat leading lady! Hello!)

And all night long, she kept grazing around the food table like a buzzard at an oasis. Every time I tried to snap a pic, she'd back up, lick those fat fingers or try to palm whatever was left of what she was eating, while hastily shoving her half-chewed remains into her chipmunk cheeks to smile a cheesy smile at the camera before the flash goes off. Disgusting.
And my grumbling, empty stomach can't help but smile from behind the lens.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Shit.

Just figured out that my roommates are planning a "surprise" party for me tonight. There's a ton of food in the fridge... all kinds of party munchies, dips, veggie platters, cookies, etc. And there's a fire-pit set up in the backyard for grilling.

Needless to say, I will be expected to EAT. At least publicly. Although I had already started this morning with my 1/2 cup of grapes, I now refuse to eat anything else until the party. And even then I'll have to carry around my faithful bottle of water, and see how many times I can get away with, "Oh, no thanks. I had one a minute ago - aren't they divine?" and "I just had a plateful a moment ago - I'm stuffed, I couldn't eat another bite! Ha ha!" and "Ooh, I'm still recovering from being sick, but thanks anyway!"

Fortunately/unfortunately, many of the friends that I expect to show up tonight know about my ED history. But mostly they know that it goes hand-in-hand with my depression problems. So as long as I can smile and mingle and continually circulate, I should be able to avoid most criticism, suspicion, and force-feeding. As long as I can play the pretty hostess and keep moving around the room, and keep sipping that water and serving others, I should be able to stay under 438 calories.

I'm gonna try like hell.

Do you think maybe my roomies have noticed my restricted eating habits in the last few weeks and that's why they're pulling this party? I mean seriously -- there's not really that much to "celebrate." It seems like they just needed a good excuse to throw a dinner party. Hmmmm... stay tuned for tomorrow's update. And pray that I can stay strong tonight.
Can I just take a quick moment to say how much I bloody LOVE reading ya'lls comments. Thank you. Really. It's the very first thing I go to when I log on, I check the comments, and it's a thrill to me to know that there are people out there who actually want to hear what I have to say and are willing to talk back. Ya'll seriously ARE my thinspiration. *Mwah.*

Ok, enough. I think this week's diet has officially been dubbed "438", for the number of calories consumed daily. I did great yesterday, even got in some conditioning calisthenics last night. (Still can't go to the gym for the infection in my lungs. I *must* get well so I can get back to work; I'm a workaholic, and that :::sigh::: does usurp my desire to be thin. It's a fucking crime that they go hand-in-hand: wanna work in this biz? Gotta be thin.) I felt like I was doing good and that surely this would be the day I'd get over this damn plateau.

But this morning the scale showed the same damn number! Ugh! Partly I'm mad because I'm getting frustrated being stuck. But I also know that once I can be on this diet AND have a chance to get back to doing some serious cardio in the gym, I'll finally jump the hurdle. It's just so frustrating waiting for that...

I guess my stress must have gotten to me today. I had a modeling shoot this afternoon, and I was feeling great. I always feel better in front of the camera, but today... having that little bit of soreness in my abs and in my back from conditioning last night, I felt fucking brilliant! Of the three models in the shoot, the photographer clearly liked my work the best. Oh, I can just hear the happy phone call my agent's gonna get tomorrow and the future bookings I'm gonna get from this...

But then something really strange happened. When the shoot was over and I went back into the bathroom to change back into my street clothes, there was a fucking cow in the mirror! I don't know what it was. I felt like I was about 100 lbs out there in the lights for the photographer who was playing with me, even getting feisty -- we were having such a good time! But then I saw my real weight in the mirror and it was a HUGE LETDOWN. My mood flipped like a switch. I packed up my things and practically walked out of the building with my head drooped down to my ankles. I felt like shit.

So I stopped into the store on the way home just to pick up some notebooks I needed, and they were handing out free samples of potato chips to each customer. I don't even LIKE fucking potato chips, nevermind that they are SO not on this diet plan. But out of sheer hate for myself, I took the bag, and once I got back home, the first thing I did was read the back (150 calories) and then I dove into them. Ugh.

I knew the salt would be bad for my healing. I knew the carbs are going straight to my hips. But at that moment I didn't fucking care. I just wanted to hurt myself soooooo bad.

Luckily, since I cleared out my cabinets this weekend, there was nothing else I could binge on after that. Thank God. 'Cause you know, I sure-nuf was looking.

A few hours later, I got my senses together, unpacked and did other stuff around the house to get a little semi-cardio in for the day. (Gotta do whatever I can... this is my FIFTH day of being sick and banished from the gym.) So tonight, I decided to skip the gardenburger (90 cals), and I only ate about half of that bag of cereal (71.5 cals). Hopefully that adds up.

Ugh. I hope you girlies are being strong, stronger than me. I had moments today where I really felt, "Ya know what? It's actually EASIER to all-out STARVE, because at least then once the hunger pains go away, they stay away. With this 'eating sometimes' thing, I'm constantly hearing my stomach grumble for more."

But I have to remind myself that that stomach-grumbling is also keeping my metabolism chugging, no matter how fucking slow. If the metabolism stops, this is all for fucking naught.

Jesus, I gotta get well so I can get back to the gym. I'm so pissed at myself today, I'd have had a helluva run tonight.

And then I just found out that I have to make a promotional appearance for this major project I starred in back in June on October 1st. I'll be in front of, not only my whole cast and crew from that project, but also all the investors, producers, blah blah blah. The biggest spotlight will be on ME.

The first question is: what am I gonna wear?
The next question is: how much can I shrink out of it in the next 2 weeks?

Starve on, my skinny bitches, starve on.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Ugh. Eating so much is making me sick to my stomach. All I've had is 1/2 cup of frozen grapes, 1/2 cup of fat-free cottage cheese, and 1/2 cup of Kashi cereal. Oh, and three liters of water. Already I want to throw up.

Of course, I won't, because that would only make my throat hurt bloody worse. Nor will I skip anything on the plan today, because it's going to turn my metabolism back on, damnit! (Sorry, venting a little frustration at this fucking body of mine that won't cooperate.)

Instead, I'm distracting myself looking up thinspo. I love gymnasts... especially rhythmic gymnasts. Pin-thin and yet extraordinarily strong! Now that's true beauty! Now if I would just remember to stretch instead of eat every time I get hungry, I could look like this too! (And hell, wouldn't my boyfriend be a lucky guy?)

In the bottom-left corner, use the arrows to freeze frame, or the + and - to slow it, speed it up.


Create Your Own

Radical changes.

Maybe I just have cabin fever from being bedded up all weekend with being sick. Yesterday I was beginning to feel better, and after writing my post here yesterday, the idea grew into a plan. With a new energy, I went downstairs and completely cleaned out my cupboards. The roommates were out, so I took the opportunity to clear all the junk food, snacks, and other distractions out of my food cabinet and my fridge shelf and throw them out.

Then I went shopping. I bought: fat-free cottage cheese, Kashi cereal, gardenburgers, single-serving frozen veggies for steaming, and grapes (instead of apples). Enough to last me for one week. This diet started today.

This diet needs a name.... any ideas, my dear readers? (Click on the little envelope at the end of this post to leave a comment. I'll put all the best ideas in a new poll this week.)

I guess I just got sick of completely starving and my weight not going anywhere. The whole point is to lose crazy weight fast, and it's not happening. I can only assume this is because my metabolism has slugged to a halt again. Ugh. So in order to fool it into thinking I'm "eating" again, I'm back on the 438-cals/day diet. ("Diet 438"?)

And this afternoon I noticed something new... my stomach growling LOUDLY. This is entertaining to me, you have no idea how it makes me giggle! When I don't eat anything at all, I get that concave feeling in my stomach, but no sounds, because it's not actually working on digesting anything. But when I give it a little tiny bit of something (had a half-cup of frozen grapes this morning), it goes to town digesting that stuff, and when it's done it lets me know it's ready for more. But I get such a power trip from denying it the food it demands from me! Ha ha!

Still on a path to try to be three pounds lighter than today's weight by Friday. Who wants to join me on this diet? (See below post for the full layout, highlighted in teal font.)

Monday, September 15, 2008

There's all these things I'm remembering that I'd forgotten since the last time I proactively tried ana. Like the fact that I've barely taken a shit in the past week or so, because when you don't eat, you have nothing to shit!

Unfortunately, I've been very sick all this weekend, and that means I've been doing a whole lot of laying around, resting, but also not a lot of eating. (It hurts my throat to swallow.)

I still feel empty from not eating much, but not doing much means that my weight also hasn't changed for three days. Damnit.

However, the time in bed has given me a lot of hours to think about what sort of foods I COULD eat that I wouldn't feel guilty about. Here's a short list:

Sugar-free popsicles: 15 cals each (shiverring burns calories!)
Sugar-free jello: 10 cals each (take the time and effort to cut them into fun shapes, burn calories by playing with your food)
Watermelon, 1/2 cup (balls): 23 calories (the extra water makes you feel fuller)
Salsa, 2 tbsp: 15 calories (plus the cilantro gives your metabolism a jolt)
Plum, 1 small: 30 calories (plus it helps you shit out the calories you ate)

That's just the stuff that slides down easy. So now I'm sitting here starting to plan ahead for next week. I currently weigh only one pound less than I did seven days ago, and I still want to lose three more before Friday. This calls for something more drastic than just starving/restricting.

I was on this one self-created diet a few years ago that worked pretty well. I was working 8- to 12-hour days at my job, and going to the gym for 2 hours every night (about 1 hour cardio, 1/2 hour weights, 1/2 hour stretching/abs). And I really liked the results I got, even though they were slow to come. It's the sort of habitual routine that pays off in the long run.

>>Each day I would wake up and immediately start sipping a liter of cold water. Meantime, I'd have breakfast: 1/2 cup of fat-free cottage cheese (80 cals). I would finish the first liter of water before leaving the house.

At work, I would make sure to steadily consume another liter of water every 2.5 to 4 hours, depending on the length of my day. I would also steadily nosh on an apple (55 cals) cut up into 8 slices, sprinkled with lemon juice (to prevent browning), one bite at a time. And also 1 cup of Kashi heart-to-heart cereal (146 cals) that I kept in a baggie, one or two o's at a time (low-cal and high-fiber). During breaktimes and mealtimes I would avoid the crowd and find a corner to do situps, pushups, jumping jacks, whatever I could to burn more calories.

At the end of the workday, I would have a 1/2 cup of steamed vegetables (60 calories) to prepare me for my workout, during which I would consume the fifth liter of water, if not more. After my workout, I'd "reward" myself with a single portabello gardenburger (90 calories), a good hot shower and at least 8 hours of sleep.<<


That's a total of 431 calories per day, leaving me with a deficit of at least 1200 calories per day, provided my metabolism stayed on track. Being so cold (from all the cold water) motivated me to keep moving continually throughout the day, and since I wasn't exactly "starving," my body never really freaked out.

When my schedule was this steady for about 3 months straight, I dropped about 15 pounds and nobody around me really seemed to notice that I "wasn't eating." It was slow and steady, but in the end, I really liked the results. I kept up my metabolism, created some definition, and avoided all the stares.

Here I am, lying in bed, desperate to be well again so I can get back to my friggin' life. And wondering if I should try to go back to a plan like that again...

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The MEDIA are such bloody retards!


Keira Knightley's Foolproof Plan to Battle Anorexia Rumors: Pregnancy



Mention Keira Knightley's name to us, and two things come immediately to mind: Atonement, and a startlingly precipitous clavicle.

For years, Knightley has been fending off rumors about her bony physique, though now, the squatting star believes she's hit upon a plan that will silence her critics once and for all: The Duchess actress - who is often criticised for her slim figure - believes she would get a break from her detractors if she had a baby.

She said: 'That's a good reason to have a kid. They won't say I'm anorexic any more. S**t, I've got to have a child.'

F**k yeah you do! Having a baby (who we imagine, for some reason, would come out of the womb already furiously chain-smoking) could be the answer to all of Knightley's Hollywood prayers! Flush with pregnancy curves, no longer would the actress have to suffer the indignity of digitally-enhanced breasts and four-Skittle dinners. Or, alternately, Knightley could simply eat a sandwich every now and then.


Please Keira, don't do it! Remember how we used to worship Saint Ana Nicole Richie? Now look at her...

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I've been doing real good lately. Still not counting, and not water-fasting, but I am back to severely restricting. I've been liquids-only 3 days so far this week (every other day, but hoping to do at least 2 consecutive days sometime next week, for sure). Down two pounds. Wanted to be down 2 more by tomorrow, but I slipped up today.

I had a helluva day on a job I was shooting. Very high stress, very unlike me, but it caused me to want to hurt myself WITH food. So I had a venti Breve latte on the way home, and a cup of frozen grapes when I got here, as well as singing VERY loudly in the car (yeah, more like screaming) and straining my voice.

I grabbed a pudding cup and a box of animal crackers from the kitchen and brought them up to my bedroom to add more secret calories to the stress-binge. But in the mail today I got a DVD copy of some film footage I shot a few months ago in June. (I had to lose 20 lbs for the movie, so I look damn good in these scenes.) And watching that inspired me to put the desserts back.

I've got another commercial shoot tomorrow, and they'll probably try to feed me on the set. So while I don't think I'm going to hit my weekly goal this week, I'm going to try like hell to hit a new one next week: 4 lbs down from today's weight by next Friday (9/19).

The more I starve, the easier it gets, believe it or not. I guess it actually becomes "habitual" to THINK about what you're eating before you just slog it into your mouth. I've even been drinking less Starbucks on my liquid-only days.

Every time you say "No, thank you" to food, you say "Yes, please" to thin.

By the way, 65 votes for me not to come back to Ana, 163 votes for me TO come back. You asked for it; you got it. (Who the hell am I kidding? I'm back anyway.) Hopefully I'll be recreating my facebook profile this weekend. Stay tuned for that.

Starve on, my crazy skinny bitches! Woot!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Striving for an ambiguous goal such as "I want to be skinnier" is much harder to achieve than setting realistic goals you can see.

I want be 20 lbs lighter by the next time my best friend sees me. Yes, that same best friend from the famous fight last year. When I started eating again, she "forgave" me and we're back on speaking terms. But now she lives 600 miles away in a different city, and we won't get to see each other again until mid-November.


“The most noble criticism is that in which the critic is not the antagonist so much as the rival of the author.” -- Benjamin Disraeli, British Prime Minister


So here's the plan: there are about 9 weeks from today until mid-November. That means I need to lose a little over 2 lbs EVERY WEEK until then in order to be 20 lbs lighter by then.

While I have been losing weight with this latest scheme of eating no solid food and just drinking whatever the hell I want, I'm certainly not starving. And that means the liquid calories are not allowing me to lose as much as I want as fast as I want.

So here it is, girlies. Harsher restrictions. In order to lose 3 lbs by the end of this week (good jump start to get ahead), I'm going to limit myself to: still no solid food, only one caloric drink per day (probably my Starbucks addiction), and the rest of the time water, non-caloric flavored water (Crystal Light, club soda), and diet teas (my favorite new Diet Raspberry has 0 calories and always gives me quite a little buzz).

Stay tuned, looks like I may be re-creating a facebook profile soon...

Friday, September 5, 2008

So my agent just called me with an audition for next Wednesday where I have to show up in a bathing suit. Guess who'll be consuming liquids only until next Wednesday? :::sly grin:::

"What you eat in private WILL be seen in public."
Nothing so motivating as being a public spectacle.

To answer some comments: I'm still considering whether or not I want to go back to this full-time and long-term. I actually am sort of considered "in recovery," and if my senses get the better of me, I'll disappear from here again. It could just be that I'm only starving to hurt myself for this one bad week because I'm depressed or something. But if I change my mind, I'll open up a new facebook profile where you can message with me interpersonally.

My earlier post was asking you not to include YOUR personal email address when you leave comments for me (that little icon of an envelope with an arrow is for COMMENTS to be left on this blog), as those comments can be seen by EVERYBODY. Therefore, I will not publish any comment that includes your personal email address, im name, or website/blog.

As for posting personal stats.... lemme think on that too.
Answer to a comment: Hey Summer. I'm already "fasting" and/or starving/restricting. I haven't eaten for the past two days, only been taking in liquids. Gonna be doing it again tomorrow. Join the fun. ;)

Getting back into the swing of it, girlies. Have some thinspo, along with my love and kisses. XOXO








Anorexia is not a disease. Anorexia is not a game. Anorexia is a skill, perfected only by a few. The chosen, the pure, the flawless.
God, can I please look like this?
Pretty please?
Empty is pure, starving is the cure.
Thin wrists, tiny waist.
So beautiful.
In the body, as in sculpture, perfection is attained not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Been reading over some of my own old posts. Damn... I forgot how much fun it was to starve and fast with ya'll!

I haven't written a single haiku since the last time I was "Ana." I miss that.

Wow, lots of people were reading this blog, the counter was up over 4000 while I was still actively writing. And that was accumulated over about three or four months. Unfortunately, that counter-site has since disbanded, so I've had to replace the counter and started over at 1. :::le sigh:::
RE: Comments -- love ya'll, but quit including your personal contact info

I've gotten a lot of really brilliant comments since the last time I posted (in January). I want ya'll to know that I did read ALL of them, and "published" many of them. Unfortunately, I had to "reject" (NOT publish) any comments that included your personal emails, instant message names, or blog addresses.

It's not that I don't love ya'll or want to connect with you, but you know that the PTB keep an eye on shit like this. They've already shut down my first facebook account, and if they decide to shut down this blog, I don't want them to be able to find ya'll too. So keep sending the encouraging comments -- I do love to hear from ya'll. Just don't include your personal info. I hate having to "reject" a really great comment just becuase it has your info at the end.

I didn't eat at all today. Only had one fruit juice, 1 coffee, and a whole helluva lot of water. I feel great. I'm going to do it again tomorrow. I'm not calling it a religious fast -- it's not. It's just starving for the fun of hurting myself and crashing off some weight.

If I'm heading back in this direction long-term, I'll consider opening another facebook account. If I do that, I'll let ya'll know and we can connect there. My facebook peeps were my fucking lifeline last year. (Love ya'll to the bones.)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Well hello there, skinny bitches.

I'm thinking of starving again.

I'm back to 145. Have been trying to "be good": eating, exercising moderately.

But this is too much weight. I hate my body. I'm sorry, HOW THE HELL does anyone just EAT and LOSE weight?

I thought I had deleted this blog when I decided to "get healthy" earlier this year. Glad to see it's still here. Glad to see people are still reading it and leaving comments.

Just so ya'll know... the hater's comments will not be published. Thanks for reading; now fuck off. Call me ana. Or just call me a "starving artist." I could bloody care less.

To the supporters... ya'll are my thinspiration. You make me feel its ok to come back.

I liquid-fasted last Friday and lost 2.5 lbs. It felt fucking marvelous. But I gained it back over the weekend and I feel like shit again. Tomorrow I will be liquid fasting again. Just the taste of it (forgive the minced words) makes me wanna go crash dieting back down to 130 and get lost in starvation again...

Are there any readers still out there? Ana is listening...