– Jillian Michaels, The Biggest Loser, NBC
I love this fucking firecracker of a woman! I watch this show while I'm on the cardio machines at the gym, and not only do the contestants serve as great reverse-triggers, but her screaming at them in Last-Chance workout sessions echoes thru my own brain for days after...
I didn't drink nearly enough water yesterday, so my workout was hard. The thought of Jillian kept me going to reach 7 miles before the gym closed and kicked me out. But I was able to successfully escape lunch on the set, and only gave in to a few bites of fat-free cottage cheese when I came home (40 cals) and a gardenburger after the gym (90 cals). This morning, it still didn't translate to a lost pound, but at least I haven't gained.
And I had another grey-out! (Someone in comments asked about this.) A grey-out is when you almost faint, but not quite. It describes what you see. In a black-out, you can see black creeping in from the outer edges of your vision -- that's you losing consciousness. When it reaches the center and everything goes totally black, that's the faint.
A grey-out is when you see the blackness come in from the edges and it almost reaches the center. But after experiencing this for enough years, I've learned how to catch it before it gets all the way dark, and reverse it. If you don't pass out all the way, just get really lightheaded and close to passing out, it's called a grey-out.
So yesterday on the set, I was all curled up in this comfy chair for a scene for like 45 minutes. My legs were all tangled up under me, and must have been cutting off my circulation in a weird way, because at one point when we took 5 and I got up to leave the set, I felt a grey-out suddenly come on. I must have stopped in my tracks and gotten really pale, because like 3 grips came running to catch me all of a sudden. But I recovered quick, and kept going and just sort of laughed it off. I love my grips, they fucking rock. And the best thing is, they usually don't say anything to the producers/directors about shit like that.
I can't believe I didn't lose even a single pound after I only ate 130 cals, took 5 laxatives, and ran 7 miles yesterday. But I didn't get the shits til this morning, so that tells me the restricting is going well. Today I'm adding water pills and cranberry juice to the mix. And looking forward to tomorrow's saltwater flush. Something's gotta give.
Oh, and now that the Oct 1st promo appearance is breathing down my neck, I just found out I have another appearance at a film festival on Oct. 12th. Woot! Another dress, another two weeks of extreme motivation to look forward to!
My favorite bit: "Emails!"
Anomymous says: Be careful with those laxies, they can make you bloat up more afterwards.
Thanks A. That's what the water pills and cranberry juice are for. ;)
And "the Danish girl" (whom I can now call C.) has returned with more harsh (but loving!) words about owning up to and defeating the excuses that make me weak. Thank you, C.! I'm really pleased that you're still reading, and still posting comments for me. Thanks for calling me out -- that's exactly why I write this blog: it makes me stronger when I know I have someone to answer to for my failures.
buccina (whose comment is not published, and whose real name is being protected by her own request) made an interesting proposal to me which I will, respectfully and without offense, decline. I'm more the kind who takes mine from a bottle with a child-proof cap. So/but, if you know where I can get some Adderall, let's talk. As for the saltwater thingy... it is designed with SEA SALT, so that it gets flushed out before it has a chance to absorb. Plus, I'm also taking laxatives, water pills, and cranberry juice too, so anything that does linger will also be flushed.
But I love your insight -- very educated. Keep posting. :)
L is joining me on the SWflush and wants to know what the original Danish comment said... Oh, I wish I remember it verbatim, love, but it was basically just calling me out on the fact that I'm making excuses for why I have to eat in public, when I really should be taking bigger risks in order to be truly ana. I probably won't get caught as often as I think anyway, and it's going to help me get off these plateaus. Loves it.
Ligeia needs affirmation. Honey, if you're on that underweight/normal cusp, you ARE beautiful! Indeed, you thinspire even ME! :) Keep it up, stay strong! The worst myth that ana perpetuates is that you are ALONE. Babe... just read the comments section here... or better yet, find me on facebook (search for Ana Regzig). We are a race of people (guys too!) who are THOUSANDS strong. Keep up the good work, and don't let your family's love get you down. (I need to drink more water too... thanks for the reminder in return. ;))
hana... you crack me up, lovey. Ana luvs it! Yes, an emptier stomach is *highly* recommended for the saltwater flush. You probably didn't pass out from the saltwater... take your time. You have a full 15 minutes to slog down 2 cups. Please be careful... I would hate for someone to find you passed out among that stuff and catch you in the act.
Indigo... no, you should definitely use SEA SALT. Regular table salt will go straight into your cells and puff you up, and it won't have the laxative/cleansing effect you're after. Not to mention, the spike in such a high concentrate of salt could be detrimental to your health, especially if you're already thin and empty-stomached. There's something about the sea salt that makes it pass thru you (and take everything in your bowels with it) before your body has the chance to absorb it. Uniodized sea salt can be found in the baking aisle of most major supermarkets, dirt cheap. Take the plunge.
Starve on, all my beautiful ana-bitches! Starve on.