Wednesday, January 16, 2008

What have I done? What do I do?

I haven't blogged in about two-and-a-half months. I have been "getting well." I have been "eating normally." I have realigned my walk with God. I have gone through entire days where no one asks me, "Have you eaten today?"

And I have gained 25 pounds in 5 months. I have lost my best friend. I can't stand the way my clothes fit. I hate what I see in the mirror.

So which side is winning? Am I healthy? Or am I fat? And where do I go from here?


Soon after moving into my new apartment, I started working at Starbucks. In the same instant, my career took off again, so between the two jobs I did not have even a single day off for almost eight solid weeks. Most days, I barely had time to shower and sleep, so when my gym membership expired practically untouched, I decided to let it run out instead of renewing.

In mid-December, I came home to be with my family for the holidays. In the six weeks I have been here, I have put on eight pounds. In an attempt to "eat normally" in front of my family, I have actually gone overboard and I'm about to bust into the next size of clothes.

I want it to stop. Every morning I step on the scale hoping, praying to God that I will be lighter today than I was yesterday. Some days I get it, some days not. And now I am teetering at a whopping 150 pounds.

Six months ago, I promised myself I'd be 100 or less by now. What have I done?

More importantly, what do I do now? In a few weeks, I will return to New York to resume my post-holiday career. I would love to quit Starbucks and get back into the gym. My ass feels so fucking lazy it's despicable.

But I want to keep the earnest relationship I've developed with the Lord, and I know He will never condone my anorexic behavior. In fact, I can't even call myself anorexic anymore, not at this weight. This yo-yo effect is more typical of an Ed-Nos diagnosis.

A few months ago, just before I left New York, my best friend and I got into a serious fight. We went out "to eat" and I barely picked at my salad and she ordered a burger. When the orders came, she demanded to know why I "wasn't eating." To my defense, I WAS eating, but I told her that my stomach was upset and I didn't feel like eating much. In her fashion of dramatic protest, she pushed her untouched burger aside and refused to eat another bite. To her, it was her way of getting my attention and letting me know she disapproved of my decision. To me, it seemed more like a challenge of "I can eat less than you."

But the fight didn't end there. After dinner, she made three long trips to the bathroom in quick succession, continuing to ream me any time she came back to the table. When I accusingly asked what the hell she was spending so much time in the bathroom for, she couldn't take it. She may have been throwing up, but I never ate in the first place. I had won, we both knew it, and she wasn't losing very gracefully. And so she walked out, slamming the door behind her, and we have hardly spoken since.

Is this worth it? Now I sit here fat but "healthy." I have gained the compassion of my family, and lost the relationship with my best friend. I knowing eating is the "right thing" to do, but I hate what it's done to my body.

Do I return to anorexia and fasting? Or should I learn to be happy with my plus-figure? Is there another way that leads to weight loss while still eating healthy? My "healed" mind reels at the possibilities. The voice of Ana, never leaving my head, whispers seductively, "Let's go back. Let's do it again. You looked so damn hot at 125, and this time we'll go even lower!" Damn, that voice is sexy. So fucking tempting.

But the voice of my Father cries out, "No! I love you as you are! I created you to be this way, and I wish you could see yourself with all the love I hold for you." I feel pitiful, and unworthy of such grace.

Clearly, I cannot be classified as "recovered." Only fatter than I was when I was so obviously sick.

What have I done to myself? Am I ok? Where do I go from here?


Lea said...

Hey, Its the first time I read your blog but I have to say youre fascinating. It is really interesting to read. i know what you and your friend go through. I had this too with my friend. She always talks about "im so fat" and "Im not going to eat more than you are". it is always a fight about who is stronger than the other one. it is crazy.

I cant give you an answear if u should go back to fasting or if u should stay healthy like now.
I cant even give that answear to myself. The only thing you can do is accept ur body the way it is. as ur father is saying. For me it is not possible. so im trying to lose weight. I still hope that when im at my goal weight ill be able to accept myself. Just look whats best for yourself.
I hope I didnt annoy you with this comment. I Just want to let you know that u are not alone.

Lorey said...

I know how you feel, holiday weight gain sucks! my birthday is christmas day so that means even more calories.

Melanie said...

hey its almost frightening how ive been in your exact situation
i had gone to summer camp where i was forced to eat and when i look back now, the weight i had gained when i returned wasnt even so bad. i looked good then but ofcourse to me it was a disgrace. since then ive been eating more and more than ever required bc im used to people wondering why i wont eat.
yea i eat almost 3 meals a day now. i have "curves". im healthy.
but im not.
i hate the way i look and i dont let anyone close to me. i wish i could go back but its just so hard.
i have so much that u can be at a weight u hate and manage to get back down.
sometimes i think im stuck in this hideous body forever and my skinny times have passed.

Anonymous said...

Yes, it is terrible to eat healthy again and be normal, but that is how you must look at it, you are at healthy weight, even though you don't like it, there are ways to lose weight and still eat healthy. Weight Watchers comes to mind?

Take it one day at a time and Im glad you are posting again:)

Anonymous said...

i love this blog..its really inspired me. but i always feel like i should be doing more..i hate exercising so much..i get all red and nasty if i go running and i dont feel like i make any progress. is not eating enough to get my weight down??

Anonymous said...

My heart cries out in agony at your pain. The Lord is calling you, leading you to Himself and sin is fighting so strongly against it. You're right. Sin is tempting, sin is seductive but it's nothing compared to future grace. Fight hard. Don't let the things of this world like friends, family and media cloud your view of the cross. "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ." -Philippians 3:8 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." -Romans 8:18

Press on dear one.

Ginger Ale said...

wow, my heart goes out to you. I feel the almost the same way you do.
PLease comment back on my blog, I'd like to keep talking to you.
I know what you mean with the whole God's conviction thing. It's so hard.

Anonymous said...

As someone who struggles daily with Ana... I went from 150 to 125, too. I also lost all depth of personality, real, soulful self-respect, and closeness with God. Feeling close to the Father...? There is no weight in the world that compares. I know it's hard... but one day at a time. One healthy, sensible meal at a time.

You can do it. And always know that he believes in you, too.

lissa said...

hi i really understand what your your going through and dont worry i have lost all my friends just by losing weight . if they called them selves friends then they are not friends at all and you deserve better . you cant please everyone so dont try . Some times people see only what they want to see and there is no changing their minds . please dont let it get you down its not worth it . i am the way i am and noone likes it so i leave them to it . trust me good people are there no matter what so just surround yourself with those that will be there for for you no matter what . keep safe and be you cos thats what is important . Change for no one except for yourself .lisa .