Monday, January 21, 2008

I've been visiting my parents lately, and it's easy to see why I got so sick after visiting them last year. The two of them have a really good talent for making anyone feel like a total sack of shit.

My father is the worst. He watches all kinds of trash tv, and feels compelled, whenever he sees a girl who is only moderately attractive instead of Hollywood attractive, to yell at the screen, "She looks like a man!" He does it with a sneer of, "Thank God I'm perfect!"

He loves to throw that same sneer at me across the table. If we order out at a restaurant, no matter WHAT I order, he makes that little sound of disapproval and then subtly shakes his head and pretends to stare back at his menu. If I've ordered something heavy, it's "do you know how many calories that is?" And if I've ordered something light it's, "you're gonna make yourself sick like that." I can't win.

And no matter how thin mom gets, she's never thin enough. "Oh, I'm so fat." Even though she's considerably thinner and definitely more fit than me. She exercises like crazy. She loves to use so much work as an excuse to skip meals.

Yesterday I did a little shopping before I stopped over to the house, and when they saw my bags they were perky. "Ooh! Show us what you got!!" For a moment I was proud, ready to parade my shopping savvy because I'd gotten a $50 dress for $17. But when I pulled it out to show them, Dad said, "Psh. That's a pretty wild print. S'gonna make your hips look huge." and Mom said, "Oh, it's not that bad. I'd wear it." So I suggested she should try it on. And she says in that mockingly patronizing tone, "Oh I couldn't possibly fit into it. My waist isn't near as small as yours," knowing damn-well it's a lie.

Just fuck me sideways.

So I went out last night with a friend for sushi. Bless his heart, he tries to feed me as often as he can. And I actually feel comfortable with him, like he's doing it because he cares about me not because he's trying to make me gain weight. And he matches me bite for bite, so there can be no guilt in either direction.

But when I saw dad this morning, sure enough he gripes, "Do you know how many grams of fat are in that sushi? Those cuts of fish are pretty oily!"

You weren't even fucking THERE, Dad!!!

Of course I kept a mental tally. I told him I didn't eat more than 500 calories worth of sushi last night, which is rounded up. "Well," he protests, "that's definitely better for you than the 375-calorie burger I had."

Yeah. What he doesn't tell you is that he ate that 380-burger (I looked it up) with a 400-calorie small fries and a 400-calorie bowl of chili. Not to mention the large Vault drink, which brings his meal to well over 1000 calories!

Fuck you, Dad!

::::sigh::::

So you can see how visiting my parents is not the best thing for my eating disorder.

18 comments:

Luna said...

I would keep away from them if I were you... (I also have an eating disorder)

Anonymous said...

I just kind of randomly found your blog, but I totally know how you feel. My parents are the worst for making feel fat. But then they want to feed me, it leaves me confused and I try to hide most of what I eat from them. I recently moved out and almost every time I talked to my mom she would ask me what I was eating. I just can't get away from it.

N. said...

Hi! I dont know you but I also found your page accidently!

At first I was laughing so much about how you described your parents! You are a really talented writer and very funny by the way! After I read your page I had tears in my eyes cause I noticed why I had to laugh so much: My parents are the same! I also suffer from Ana|Mia and when I was home and ate something the most common sentence my parents said was:"Wow! That has a lot of calories!" OHMIGOD! What the...? I mean, hello? They are our parents! They should make us feel good and comfortable and not like a fat cow that is nothing worth!

Where do you live? You are really talented! Maybe you can write me back!?
Greetings, N.

Anonymous said...

I no what you mean, I always feel like im competing with my mum because she will come home from work and say 'ive not eaten in two days', and Ill say ye well apart from that cereal bar neither have I, and then she'll say ye well you had some bread last night and ill feel like shit agen! like ive failed. which i have.

Graciela said...

I like your blog!sorry about your parents beeing like that, it must be hard, but stay strong and hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Tell your Dad that sushi is healthier than any burger, which is just pure fat and empty calories. Oily fish contain omega 3 acids which, among other things, reduce cholesterol levels and are responsible developing brain tissue and the nervous system.

Anonymous said...

I totally know what you mean. Last night my husband started in on me for being fat. Unsupportive people are really horrible and now my husbands reminds me so much of my mother. Parents really can be the worst for making you feel super shitty!

Anonymous said...

This is horrible. I wanted to cry. No offense to you, but your parents are so fucked up in the head. They're not helping you get better. In fact, they are only making you worse. What is going to make them realize that they need to focus on you and stop being so goddamn materialistic and obsessive. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Please try and ignore everything they say to you and take care of yourself sweetheart.

Sarah Bea said...

I know how hard it is. I am recovering and have gotten to a healthy weight again.(it is hard to break the habits though.) However I always feel as if I am under huge scrutiny. Plus the shame, the guilt that follows me when I am with people that know the whole story.

I know there is hope though!

forksareweapons. said...

My stepdad is exactly the same way. He will say "look at her thighs!" when he watches t.v., talking about a woman who may be a size 6! How does that make me feel?! When I was 97 pounds he got mad for the expense of therapy, and once I gained all the fucking weight back, he pinches my stomach. I feel your pain. It feels as if I can never win with him.

Anonymous said...

ughh i have the same problem, it seems like everytime i go home they monitor everything i eat(or dont eat). they get mad when i eat then get mad when i dont and then wonder why im so "distant" from them. it's so annoying! and now my friends and roommates are doing it. It never stops.

Anonymous said...

ugh, thats so mean. My mums the same, always exercising with her mate who is anorexic, and constantly moaning about what i eat. She made me join the gym (which i do love) but then on a binge day i went to grab a doughnut and she looked horrified and just said "Throw it away now, do you know how many cals are in that, you better not eat it"

try to ignore them, they are being way too harsh and so tediously lame to you.

Anonymous said...

I cam across your blog by accident. God Bless you. I hope everything works out for you.

Anonymous said...

Sorry your parents are so mean. My mother is always poiniting out pictures that I was fat in...

Anonymous said...

oh wow, you totally just described my husband when hes watching tv. and yeah..i'd stay away from them if i were you. thats just not right.

Anonymous said...

Hi, i'm from italy and i've found your amazing blog searching for pro ana websites.. reading about your life is really helping me! thank you for sharing with us your life..You're making me willing to be stronger.
I understand your feelings toward your parentes..my mother is like your father, alway telling us (my sister and I) how fat we are..and now we both have ED and we feel like shit all the time around her.

Xxhello.its.ana.pagexX said...

Hello. Actually, I was trying to figure out how to find someone who I could chat with about this whole ed thing. You see, I've been struggling with it for quite a while, and have slowly developed into the "ana" ritual. Oops. Eh, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this...there's nothing much I can say that hasn't already been said. :)
So, I suppose in reality I'm only wasting your time. Sorry about that.
May luck be with you, stay strong and stay skinny. :)

Anonymous said...

God, My parents are more or less the same.
they decided that that they didn't to be around a daughter who was 140, so I lose 35 pounds (i'm 5'9) I see-saw from 105-107 and suddenly gaining two pounds is disgusting to them. Not to mention my dad is over 200 pounds and my bitch of a step mom is on her way.
Then when we go out to dinner i order a salad just to prove to them i could be that little bit thinner. And then i'm becoming 'too skinny'
So i say 'Fine' And order the most Fattening thing on the menu, they accept this happily, i gain 2 pounds the next day. Which kills me on the inside, and they smirk and say 'guess you should have got the salad, i can see the damage done.'