Monday, October 22, 2007

I am fat, fat, fat.

I love my work, I love what I do. But I hate that they always FEED ME!!! I mean, how the hell do they expect me to eat and stay this skinny??? They HIRED me because I am this skinny. Then I work for five days, eating every day, which means I'll have to fast for another 2 weeks once the project is over so I can take all that weight back off.


Hi girls and guys. I'm back. AGAIN.

I'm not feeling too proud of myself. The last week has been a blessing and a nightmare all at once. In seven days, I'm several thousand dollars richer, but nine pounds heavier. Damnit.

Monday I started my new part-time job at Starbucks. I didn't eat ALL DAY in preparation for all the tasting they made me do that night. Fifteen minutes before my first shift, I got a call from my agent that booked me solid for the next six days.

Thus, I haven't been able to write to you since then.

Tuesday I had one audition that turned into 3 auditions overnight. It was crazy, but hopefully it will turn into more work. Plus I had a short shift again at Starbucks that night. I was feeling alright though, because moving around to so many different studios kept me moving and busy, and I didn't eat anything at all, all day long. It was great.

But Wednesday through Sunday I had booked a film job, and I was on the set 10 hours every day. For the most part this was good -- I got a coffee in the wee hours of the morning on my way to the set, and I left the set each day at 6 pm, so I was able to go home without dinner.

But they brought me lunch every single day. And since I was with the cast and crew, unable to leave set for lunch, I had to eat it. I also had several cups of coffee on set, so I completely lost track of calories. On a good note, I was almost always on-camera or in the wings with a script in one hand and a bottle of water in the other, and the craft-services table was WAY on the other side of the set. So temptation was out of reach, and I never took even ONE crumb from the craft-services table. Hooray!

I know the previous two weeks of successful fasting had to have put a big brakes on my metabolism, because in just five consecutive days of lunches, I put nine pounds back on! How the hell does that add up???

Well, now that I'm finished with that project, I am DEFINITELY back to fasting. My Starbucks training is now at a point where I can determine what I drink or don't drink or try or don't try. So I can control my calorie intake. I'm hoping these nine pounds will come off as fast as they went on, as soon as I stop putting calories in. Ugh.

I feel like a fucking whale.

I feel like a deadbeat because I haven't been able to check my weight daily for an entire week, I've barely been able to check email, and I've had absolutely NO chance to blog or check in with the facebook fasters. (Although from what I've briefly looked over this morning, they're doing fantastic! Losing HUGE amounts of weight! Go girls!!!)

Well, so far I don't have any work (other than Starbucks) lined up for this week. No one will be force feeding me. So I'm planning to do a five-day fast from now (technically yesterday, Sunday at 8 pm) until next Saturday morning at 8 am. Liquids only. If I can take off the nine pounds and get back to where I was this time last week, I'll be satisfied, reassess, and make new fasting plans from there.

On a viewer note: I want to say a HUGE THANKYOU to all the loyal blogreaders who've continually checked in each day. While I was gone this past week, the counter rolled over 4000!! Woot! That's encouraging to me - and I promise to lose these nine pounds for YOU GUYS!!!!!


proanagirl said...

Hello. Thought I would drop a comment and offer my comiserations! I was so pleased with myself cos I was down to one on my goals (101.5/46 kg) mark last Friday, and then my parents tell me last minute that they were spending a weekend with my granparents and thet'd like me to join them. That's 2 and half days of non-stop closely watched eating. I came back on Monday morning weighing SIX POUNDS heavier. All that work! FOR NOTHING! Good thing I live on my own and can use work as a good excuse to not go over for forced dinners!

So good luck! My thoughts are with you!

PS I don't think you are exactly pro-ana, because I know you probably wouldn't want to wish this on anyone, more ana-supporter/ana-active? I only say this cos I am writing my own blog and trying to define myself is a bit hard.

KatieCatastrophe said...

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Your story inspires me
I wish I could help..

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