Wednesday, September 19, 2007

What a fucking fool I've been!

I worked. I gained weight. Work stopped coming. My "friends" have all lied to me. One of my own good friends got married and didn't even bother to fucking tell me!!! How the hell does that happen?? My ex is now blasting pictures of him and the fat whore he took up after cheating on me. Well, fuck them all. I'm going to be skinnier and more beautiful than ALL of them. We'll see who gets the last laugh.

August was a tough month for me. I worked non-fucking-stop. Work is great, it means the $$ rolls in. But it also means long days on the set, and acting "normal" around people. Which requires eating, at least to some small degree.

And people are ALWAYS critical. If they don't comment out loud that "You don't eat enough," then they sit back and stare as you stuff your face, and you know they're thinking, "She could stand to lose a few pounds."

Well after a month of that damn roller coaster, someone convinced me that "Being healthy is better than being skinny." And I fucking believed them. For the past three weeks, I've been eating "normally," and have managed not to gain any more weight than I did when I was working.

However, I HATE how much I weigh now!!! Sure, I'm not gaining, and people say I should be "grateful," but I'm not losing either, and I'm not a completely happy person unless that number on the scale goes DOWN every day!!!
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I last talked to my friend "N" in May. He's got a new girlfriend, and I think that's awesome. He's crazy about her like I've never seen him go crazy for anyone before, and I really am very happy for him. (No, we never dated, it's just one of those really cool no-frills guy/girl friendships.) So when he stopped hanging out and calling me so much, I was totally ok with giving him some space to get to know his new girl. I thought, "When the time is right, he'll introduce her to his inner circle of friends. I'll wait til then."

That was only 3 months ago.

Then last night I was tooling around facebook and found his "girlfriend's" photo albums. And I thought, "hmmmm.... that's a beautiful white dress, but it looks an awful lot like a wedding gown. I wonder who the guy is?" And as I scanned through the pictures, I found one with a beautifully inscripted date "August 28, 2007" and their first names together with one last name.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?


In a state of complete mental shock, I immediately called up my best friend, "M." The three of us used to be inseperable, so if he hadn't told me, I knew she was going to be shocked as hell. When I asked her, "Guess who got married and didn't tell us?" She says, "Oh, him? Yeah that was three weeks ago, you didn't know?"

What the fuck?!? No, I didn't know! And why the hell didn't YOU tell me when you found out???

No, I didn't yell at her. I'm too much in shock. I just got really silent, and she knew something was up. It's bad enough he didn't tell me, but I can understand. Maybe he got his girlfriend pregnant and they had to get married quick (southerners, ya know?). But to try to stifle the silence on the phone, "M" starts going on about, "Remember how he used to be SOOO in love with me? Can you imagine how mad I am that he didn't tell me?"

Um.... my best friend didn't tell me either, so YEAH, I think I have an idea how YOU might fucking feel. Nice of you to think about how I feel too.

I fucking hung up the phone.

I'm too enraged right now, but in another note later I'll have to tell you all about my ex, the fat whore with whom he cheated on me, and the new "happy couple" pictures they've put up. Ugh. I need to go vomit now.

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