Sunday, September 23, 2007

It's been a busy couple of days, which is great because it's kept me distracted from hunger and kept me moving (ie. burning calories). I made it another 48 hours on nothing but liquids, but I had to see a friend from out of town tonight, and we went for sushi. I ordered two small rolls, and doggy-bagged half of it for home, then tossed it in a big garbage behind a restaurant before I got here. (Shame to waste, but "better wasted than waisted.")

There's been some interest on the facebook about possibly starting another group fast. This is perfect timing for me, since I just found out I have a major photo shoot in the first week of November. I want to lose as much weight as possible before then. (If you want to join us, log on to facebook.com and search "Ana Regzig", msg me and I'll add you as a friend.)

I also want to address a request I had from J:

Hi friend. I'm glad you like the blog, and I thank you for your loyalty. I certainly never did this to be "famous" or "popular." On the contrary, more often than not I feel like I'd rather disappear into thin air, which is probably what makes me do what I do with fasting and restricting. But blogging gives me a safe place to journal my thoughts and lock them out in cyberspace. Having a seperate private identity gives me freedom to be my true self away from the public persona I wear daily in the real-world. The blog is a permanent reminder of where I've been and what I'm feeling without having an actual physical notebook or files saved on my computer or something that can be found in my possession and get me in trouble.

If you've been reading for sometime, you know already that I'm in sort of a high-profile career, I'm in show business. I'm not uber-famous like Nicole Richie or anything, but it's enough that any blemish on my personal facade could be detrimental to my career. Some of my closest personal real-life friends know that I have struggled with an eating disorder in the past, but right now I am purporting to be "recovered," and every day I strive to appear "normal and healthy" in public knowing full well that I come home and write my REAL story here to you guys.

I did get brave once and put a few personal pictures on my facebook profile. That lasted all of about four days until the paranoia had my head so fucked up that I had to take them down or risk seriously being thrown into an asylum. It was chaos -- if anyone from the real-world ever figured out my secret, or anyone from my ana-world figured out who I really am... oh God, just the thought sets me shaking. I seriously don't think I could handle being "caught." I'd be destroyed.

Thus... I can't put up any personal pics, face or no face. Professionally and personally, it's just not a good idea. I know it seems hypocritical to post someone else's fat picture, but (my justification is) that was done in a moment of extreme anger and grief. If it bugs anyone too much, just tell me and I'll take it down. These posts are not un-edit-able.

Meantime, my third fast of the week begins right now, or rather began tonight at about 7 pm. I haven't been to the gym for two days and I feel like a fucking cow. Can't wait to get in another 10-mile run tomorrow -- this new regimen has got me excited.

As soon as I get an exact date for the big photo shoot, I'll post a countdown ticker. That'll be fun. For now, I know the third fast in one week is going to be the hardest one of all. But it's worth it to be thin again.

2 comments:

J said...

I understand youre reply. You do not want to be "found out" because it would impact youre job in a negative way. Well, goodluck on the fast. I'll keep reading youre blog. it gives me hope since I'm going through the same thing you are. be strong!

Anonymous said...

I admire your determination and persistence. I had no problem going on a fast or go workout for at least 4 hrs a day, everyday, when I was still a student. Now that I work in a busy office environment, I have to sit in front of the computer all day and eating has become the only thing I can derive pleasure from while I'm sitting down. I have no idea how much weight I've gained over the past few years. I just don't have the courage to jump on the scale. It'll only ruin my day and depress me. I'm seriously thinking about giving fasting another try. And I hope I can do it knowing that someone else (you) is doing the same thing on the other side of the world.

Do you drink anything else other than water?