Thursday, August 9, 2007

Today has been a good day.

Last night there was a party for a friend who is back in town to visit, and I saw a lot of my old good friends, and that made me very happy. I ate. I realized that my life is pretty good right now. I don't hate myself, I'm not depressed. And that's largely to blame for why I cannot bring myself to suppress my own appetite. It's a whole lot easier to not want to eat when I'm depressed and hate myself.

Well, I don't know how to make myself depressed, nor do I really want to. I like my life the way it is (except for my fat weight). My career's going well, I like my social life the way it is, I'm happy with where I am. All except for this damn weight which must decrease.

Today I decided to start fasting anew. Despite eating LOADS of munchies last night, I was quite the social butterfly. I haven't had time to go to the gym in about a week, but that also means I've been quite busy. Anyway, for whatever reason, I'm 131 lbs this morning. I'm not thrilled... it's been lower lately. But thank God, it's still the lowest weight I got to last year when I was "sick", and it's still 15 lbs less than when I left the ship.

So for that, today's been pretty easy to stick to liquids only. I'm not limiting the amount of coffee or juice I can have, and I'm not counting calories. But looking back at my food journal, it's been FAR TOO LONG since I had a single day with NO SOLID FOOD. (I foolishly believed that whole "never skip breakfast" myth. Total bullshit.) This has to be remedied.

So I'm going to have nothing but liquids for the next four days. As long as I'm not working, I'm not eating. And I don't have another audition or shoot scheduled until next Monday.

Also, I MUST get back to the gym. This will be a little easier now that my schedule is slowing down a bit.

Another thing that made me happy today was that I finally was OFFICIALLY inducted as a member of my home church. This has me OVER THE MOON!!! It's been a very long time since I put roots down ANYWHERE, so this is a HUGE step for me in my life. To actually DESIRE to be committed somewhere is.... a really big deal, to say the least.

And when I came home, my roommate -- God help me, but I just found out SHE'S PREGNANT -- had cooked up a huge pot of pasta. White, unrefined, simple carbs. The smell is INTENSE in this house! Suddenly my mind was racing with ways to justify eating just a little bowl of oatmeal, since I do have a small gig later tonight. Thankfully, I got on the facebook first, and seeing someone's suggestion of COFFEE there inpsired me to drown my food craving in a 20 oz cappuccino. Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!

So far today, I've had 3 cups of apple juice, and 2 cups of coffee, plus a liter of water. That's it. I feel pretty good about that. I'll probably have another liter of water during my gig tonight, and that will be the end of a good day one.

Once I head back to the gym, I imagine fasting will be a little bit tougher. But from where I was a few days ago -- wavering on whether to be ana again or not -- I feel a lot stronger. I feel committed to this fasting, or at least to this particular 4-day fast. After this, we'll see where my weight is compared to where my head is.

For today... I'm back. Full on, stronger than ever. And I have tied my bracelet back on to stay.


Sweetmamagirl said...

Hey! Like your stuff!
Feel free to check me out if you like..

Wish I could friend you-I feel the same way, sometimes.

yogagirl said...

Hi, today was a really hard day for me and i just had no one to talk to about this so i though at least some one who knows where im coming from would understand. I had to get my PAP today and the Dr asked when my last pieriod was and i said probably 3 years ago.. he was the first one i told. then of coarse he had to ask a whole lot of questions, then sent me to get a blood test. Every time i even think about a needle i get light headed! So, as if matters couldn't get worse, the blood test lady asks me when my last period was! after she took my blood i just wanted to die. i ended lying down in a room for almost an hour just crying (i had no idea that much time had gone by). Then of coarse i didn't know where to go, i was supposed to go to work but called in sick. I wanted to just go home and go to bed but the nurse gave me a candy to ease my lightheadedness and just sent me on a binge and here i am binging and purging like a stupid heroin adict trying to ease my pain but i only feel worse!! i was doing so good too! :(