Monday, August 6, 2007

This is SO FUCKING HARD!!!

I feel like there are two different personas inside my brain who can never be at peace with one another. One says, "You can never be thin enough! You cannot be optimally successful in this career unless you lose some more weight! There is no other way to get thin but to starve and live Ana!" The other one says, "God loves you and is going to take care of your life no matter what. All you have to do is keep His temple, your body, in good condition. Weight is only a number. Health is what matters."


:::sigh:::


My biggest audition of the year was on Saturday. It's the same company I've been trying to get hired with for over five years now. And I have a funny feeling that this is my very last chance. If they don't hire me from this audition, I may lose all hope and never go back.

In the week or so leading up to the audition, I was convicted by God to quit facebooking, quit blogging, and to focus myself fully on serving Him and preparing for this audition. I experimented with restricting but not counting calories. I gave myself one eating day four days before the audition, and then cut back to less than 500-calories per day with NO sodium whatsoever until the day of the audition.

And after the audition, I made plans for a fucking FEAST.

The day of the audition, Saturday, I woke up weighing 125. I felt so proud of myself, feeling like God was smiling on me for having being obedient to Him and for attempting to do it healthfully instead of using Ana. The audition went well, as well as every other audition I've ever done for them. But whereas before I always walked out of those auditions feeling like I was on cloud nine and I was sure they would call to hire me tomorrow... this time I felt like, "Well, that's it. And now it's over."

It wasn't that I'd done poorly... on the contrary! I had been as completely and utterly prepared as I could be, and I'd done fairly well with the curveballs and twists with which they had tried to challenge me.

But now I have that completely helpless feeling: it is out of my hands.

The Christian side of my brain is saying, "It was always out of your hands -- it is all in God's hands! It always has been, and will continue to be!" Which is true... there were a few moments throughout the audition when I would start to panic, but then I would remember to call on the Holy Spirit, and He came and helped me succeed in those moments.

But the Ana side of my brain is saying, "Fine. Now that that's over, time to get back to business. And this time let's be SERIOUS about getting to that ultimate double-digit goal!!! Are you gonna sit here and be satisfied by being 125? No more excuses, fatty!!!"

Within the 24-hours following the audition, my celebratory feast included an entire medium pizza with 10 tbsp of fat-free ranch dressing, 3 coke zeros, a pound of candy-coated pretzels, 4 ounces of cinnamon honey almonds, 4 apple fritters, 4 glazed donuts, 2 Venti Starbucks, and only 1 liter of water. I cannot bring myself to even ATTEMPT to calculate the total calories.

* * * *I was 125 lbs on the morning of my audition. Forty-eight hours later, I am 134 lbs.* * * *

How is that even physically possible???


And now I am sitting here, trying to decide where to go from here.

I know for sure that 134 is not acceptable. Even 130 should be unacceptable. 125 should be at the very least MAINTAINED, so that further weight losses will be attainable.

I know that I love to restrict. And occasional fasting has provided me with a lot of mental clarity, but it's also very very hard to stick to, especially now that my weight is a little lower than when I started and had plenty to burn.

I know that God loves me, and that this past week I've been growing closer and closer to Him, like He wants. Without Ana to distract me. THIS is the real mission, the real reason why God sent me back to my old stomping grounds. He longs for a more intimate relationship with me, and I with Him.

But Ana leans in and whispers, "But while you're here and no one can see you, while no ones watching you and weighing you, while no one is forcing you to maintain a weight, wouldn't it be great to get scary rail-thin?? Oh, you'd be soooo beautiful! And you'd scare the living daylights out of everyone who hasn't seen you in a while!

[V is coming Wednesday. X is coming a week later. And I still haven't seen M's parents.]

"Because if this audition went well enough that you DO get hired, you'd better believe they are going to weigh you every week, for sure. You'll be trapped at whatever weight they hire you at. Wouldn't you rather be trapped at 110 than at 140?"

And.... God help me... she's right.

So here I am, back on the blog. I have checked my facebook, read notes from other anas, looked at thinspo. I can almost hear Jesus weeping over me, "No, please don't do this."

And the number drums in my head: 134. Unacceptable. 134. SO FAT. 134. Must get rid of it, must be lower. 134. Much too much.

If I try to reason with myself and see it in a positive light, I can argue that 134 is one-quarter of the way between ship-weight and UGW. The celebratory feast is officially over. There is no more going up from here. The damage is done, and now it's time to clean up again. Get back down to a safe 125, where the halfway mark of 122 is in clear sight!

The first 20 pounds came off SO FAST AND EASY. Back to restricting, back to marathon workouts. Seriously fasting. It dropped off like removing a heavy winter's coat.

The next 20 pounds is, unfortunately, going to go MUCH slower, I'm afraid. And the last eight pounds is going to be brutal. But I'll think of that later...

For now, just think of getting back to the safe 125. Get there by restricting, being careful, NOT cheating at ALL, and going back to 2 liters of water a day. Pick up all the little habits first.

Then when you get to 125, then plan how to get SUPER-SERIOUS, and get down to that halfway mark. Be encouraged !!!!

...

It makes me sad to address Jesus as if He is a sidenote. ~~Lord, don't leave me. Please. Forgive me in advance. Help me, Lord. I don't want to die, and I DON'T want to disobey You. I just want to be thinner. Forgive me. Forgive me... forgive me.~~

3 comments:

j said...

you dont know how much i understand. I have been struggling with anorexia and my relgious walk with God for about four years now. At my lowest weight i was about 95 lbs and felt so great about myself.
I was so lost......still lost. I get better, i put myself in God, then i gain 2 lbs and feel like a fat lard.
I feel like I'm hurting God so much because He loves me and cares for me and created my body to be a certain shape which im trying to distort.
I feel like he will never forgive me for disobeying him and not treating my body as his temple and feeding it.

Sometimes i feel im too skinny but when i eat i feel fat and an barely look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry, even though in know im skinny.
I feel torn between my own self and my love for God. I feel like im no fufilling my true purpose in life because thi desire to be thin has taken over me

i found you blog and i assume you are also Christian

how do you reconcile the two? This post strikes at my heart. Im not going to say you inspire me because as a Christian i dont want to promote anorexia. Just that i can relate with your struggle.
I pray that God has mercy on both of us and allows us to see ourselves the way he sees Us. Beautiful, not needing to be skinny or fat. Just ourselves, the way he created us to be

Anonymous said...

I agree so so much. I have struggled with both anorexia and bulimia for the past 8 months. I weighed 97 pounds at christmas and was underweight and completely loved it. Since about February I have suffered Bulimia and am now 115 pounds. Ana is returning and I'm actually glad, even though I pray to God every night to make me better.

G said...

I can relate to your thoughts on Jesus. I am a Christian too and it makes me uneasy to wonder what God thinks every time I lie or throw away the food, etc. It's a pretty crappy feeling, but I hope He does understand us and forgive us even though it feels like we're "sinning".

All I can say is that I feel abandoned by my family, stressed out from work and everyday life, and the only way I can get through it is by controlling my daily food intake.

I'm so glad that you began this blog though. It truly inspires me. And although it's not what everyone else thinks is right, it helps... A LOT. So, all I can say is thank you.