And not a moment too soon. After an overwhelming 10 straight days on set, and all the "normal" eating I had to do, with no opportunity to hit the gym, I have ballooned up to an enormous 140 lb. cow. I cannot explain how much I loathe myself. My fat, hideous, enormous self. It's intense.
Without telling my agent, I'm leaving town on a much-needed vacation. I need to get away so that I can regroup and get my wits together. I tried to eat healthy whenever possible, but my poor metabolism is so shot to hell that any calories at all went straight to my hips and butt and stayed there.
Yesterday I began restricting again. Hard. The hunger is FIERCE. I can't believe I ate for ten straight days. I hate wearing my clothes, they feel all tight and I can't stand my fat self.
This morning I'm going to hit the gym for some intense cardio, then come home, pack and close up shop. I'm not telling anyone where I'm running away to, but rest assured there'll be tons of opportunities for huge calorie-burning activities, and lots and lots of yummy air and water. No craft services tables, no interns bringing snacks and drinks every fucking time we take 5. Ugh.
I don't know how anyone can call this career path "glamorous." It's fucking TORTURE. Every single fucking day the public pressures you to be thinner, and the production assistants try to serve you with food. WTF? Acting is not THAT fucking exhausting that I need a coke or food every time I step off set!
And bless the craft services lady's heart. Her whole world revolves around which items you choose to eat or not. She's like a grandma, watching your choices like a hawk. She's crushed if you don't help yourself to seconds of her homemade vanilla granola cookies like the grips do. She can't understand why you only ate half the fish at lunch. She pouts because she thinks you didn't like the way she prepared it. Ugh. Now THAT'S exhausting.
But then you're back in front of the camera, and when you see the playback you notice the jiggle under your arms or the extra crease when you pull your chin back too far. :::SCREAM!!!!::: And you wish to God you hadn't had that extra cracker with cheese which is now forever stuck on film, and which will soon be blown up on a forty foot tall screen where the whole world will be able to see your arm jiggle in excruciatingly gruesome High Definition.
Ana... come back to me. Forgive me Ana, for I have eaten. As I repent of my wicked ways, please take me back into your clutches and give me strength to starve back into a withered waif. Lead me not into temptation (the kitchen), but deliver me to the gym, and make me want to stay there until it's all gone. Thank you Ana, for you have not left my mind. Now seize my fat and make it go away until I shrivel back into nothingness. For it is only the skinny girls who get the jobs, even if it is the jobs that make us not skinny.