Friday, August 31, 2007

ANA IS BACK.


And not a moment too soon. After an overwhelming 10 straight days on set, and all the "normal" eating I had to do, with no opportunity to hit the gym, I have ballooned up to an enormous 140 lb. cow. I cannot explain how much I loathe myself. My fat, hideous, enormous self. It's intense.

Without telling my agent, I'm leaving town on a much-needed vacation. I need to get away so that I can regroup and get my wits together. I tried to eat healthy whenever possible, but my poor metabolism is so shot to hell that any calories at all went straight to my hips and butt and stayed there.

Yesterday I began restricting again. Hard. The hunger is FIERCE. I can't believe I ate for ten straight days. I hate wearing my clothes, they feel all tight and I can't stand my fat self.

This morning I'm going to hit the gym for some intense cardio, then come home, pack and close up shop. I'm not telling anyone where I'm running away to, but rest assured there'll be tons of opportunities for huge calorie-burning activities, and lots and lots of yummy air and water. No craft services tables, no interns bringing snacks and drinks every fucking time we take 5. Ugh.

I don't know how anyone can call this career path "glamorous." It's fucking TORTURE. Every single fucking day the public pressures you to be thinner, and the production assistants try to serve you with food. WTF? Acting is not THAT fucking exhausting that I need a coke or food every time I step off set!

And bless the craft services lady's heart. Her whole world revolves around which items you choose to eat or not. She's like a grandma, watching your choices like a hawk. She's crushed if you don't help yourself to seconds of her homemade vanilla granola cookies like the grips do. She can't understand why you only ate half the fish at lunch. She pouts because she thinks you didn't like the way she prepared it. Ugh. Now THAT'S exhausting.

But then you're back in front of the camera, and when you see the playback you notice the jiggle under your arms or the extra crease when you pull your chin back too far. :::SCREAM!!!!::: And you wish to God you hadn't had that extra cracker with cheese which is now forever stuck on film, and which will soon be blown up on a forty foot tall screen where the whole world will be able to see your arm jiggle in excruciatingly gruesome High Definition.

Ana... come back to me. Forgive me Ana, for I have eaten. As I repent of my wicked ways, please take me back into your clutches and give me strength to starve back into a withered waif. Lead me not into temptation (the kitchen), but deliver me to the gym, and make me want to stay there until it's all gone. Thank you Ana, for you have not left my mind. Now seize my fat and make it go away until I shrivel back into nothingness. For it is only the skinny girls who get the jobs, even if it is the jobs that make us not skinny.

Friday, August 24, 2007

I am not what I ought to be.
I am not what I want to be.
I am not what I hope to be.
But still,
    I am not what I used to be.
And by the grace of God,
    I am what I am.
--John Newton

Monday, August 20, 2007

"Think animalistically. If you want to be long and lean like a gazelle, you've got to work and eat like a gazelle: graze vegetarian all day and keep constantly moving, with an occasional sprint for fun. If you want to be thick and tough like a bear, then eat and work like a bear: gorge on meat and feast on sweets for a season, then sleep all winter."

BALANCE


Well the fasting worked for a bit. About a month. I lost 20 pounds.

But a month after that, I'm still stuck at the same damn weight, and each time I fast, it seems I only get down to the same weight, having spent the entire fast working off the last "reward binge."

And I'm having a harder and harder time sticking to a planned fast every time. This is due in part to waning willpower, but also not helping is the fact that I'm working so much. Now, I can't complain; work is $$. Work is neccessary. But in order to NOT get caught at my eating disorder, work requires me to at least appear to eat "normally" more and more often.

And the marathon cardio workouts were fun (especially when the scale reflected my hard work the next day) but they've gotten boring, and tough to match daily with my heavy work schedule.

I have also theorized that I may be stuck at this plateaued weight because I haven't weighed this little in almost ten years. Therefore, the 20 lbs I've just lost was not as concretely cemented to my hips as the next 20 is going to be. And let's not forget that that's a total of FORTY pounds from my highest weight ever. Not too shabby.

So for the next 20 lbs to go (and the ultimate 7 more after that), I've decided that a little more BALANCE is going to be required in my life. If I'm going to have to eat, I want to at least do it healthy and not look like I'm crazy (which is indeed driving me crazy).

This doesn't mean I can't fast for one or two days once in a while if I feel like I need it, or if I need to make up for overeating one day. But the extreme yo-yo'ing has to stop; it's not doing me any good. And I know it's OBLITERATING my metabolism.

And I've got to make time to concentrate on more serious weight training/core training during my gym runs. Muscle might weigh more, but it eats up more calories than pounds of fat, so in order to expose my ladder, I'm going to have to expose a six-pack too. And the added muscle will help me from gaining weight back too quick when I have to go back out on another ship.

Lately my workouts have been more fun, better to look forward to. I get the hard stuff out of the way first, I run for about a half-hour. Then (every other day) I head upstairs to do circuit training (arms/legs/abs) for about 40 minutes. I do whatever it takes to get in three sets. Then I head back to cardio for a 45-minute ride on the elliptical, followed up by a 15-minute cooldown walk on "hills" for an added butt-blast.

This seems more like the kind of workout I could commit to doing seven days a week, instead of doing a four-hour cardio marathon one day (with zero calorie intake) and then being so beat the next day that I can hardly move.

I'm no longer counting "calories burned" at the gym. I think those machine's estimates are WAY over anyway. It's time consuming and usually doesn't equate exactly to what shows up on the scale next day, which frustrates the HELL out of me. (Kind of a math nut.)

But I am still counting distance, as I think the machines are a little more accurate at this, and that keeps me focused on a long-term goal. My little goal is to go more than I did last year, 500 miles, which requires me to go 16 miles per week. My big goal is go double that, which is 33 miles per week, to get to 1000 miles for the year.

As for intake... I'm going to try to keep it varied. "Variety is the spice of life." Varied in number of calories, and varied in the ways I take them in. If I work too hard to deny myself the things my body craves, I only end up bingeing, and that's regrettable. God made our bodies to be able to tell us when we're lacking something we need nutritionally. Not many things should be off limits. Although there are now a few things I am quite adverse to (powdered donuts, pretzels, Quiznos, Pizza Hut) having over-binged on them and feeling the extreme pain they've caused to my body while never really achieving the satisfaction I was aiming for.

The new concentration is going to be focusing on foods of which I can eat a LOT (to feel like I'm indulging) that don't cost me a lot in calories. Things like:

  • a whole bag of salad with 5 tbsp of organic raspberry vinaigrette (80 calories)
  • Soup-at-Hand single servings of Italian Style Wedding, Chicken and Stars, Vegetable Beef (90, 70, and 60 calories)
  • my favorite oatmeal and cinnamon with fat-free milk (200 calories, 6g fiber)
  • 1 cup of Kashi Vive cereal (170 calories, 12g fiber)
  • 12 oz V8 Fusion Light juices (my new addiction) (80 calories, a full serving of fruits/veggies!)
  • 2 at a time sugar-free popsicles (30 calories)
  • single cups of frozen fruit, such a great treat (sub-100 calories)
  • and of course.... my Venti Starbucks (160 calories)


If I were to have one of EVERYTHING I just listed, I still wouldn't go over 1000 calories a day. "Restricting" consistently (combined with consistent exercise) regulates your metabolism more efficiently than fasting/bingeing. This - I think - is the key to achieving BALANCE.

If I can try to schedule enough of this in a breakfast/lunch/dinner pattern, I will feel a little more BALANCED and in control. And when you think of it, I went ana to get "in control" of my weight anyway. I know the weight loss will be slower from now on, but hopefully it will at least be steady. I feel like I NEED to be down to 110 by Christmas. If I can achieve that, and hold it over the holidays, then I can continue losing the last 17 at the start of the new year or as soon as I get off my next ship, whichever comes first.
There's a kind of a sort of... cost
There's a couple of things get... lost
There are bridges you crossed
You didn't know you'd crossed until you'd crossed...
--Wicked, the musical

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Down three pounds today. Two days left to go on this 4-day liquid fast.

I've become such a coffee snob; it's great. I like the fake-a-ccinos at one convenience store, but not the other, despite their having the same price (and considerably lower than Starbucks). I like to fill a 24 oz. cup with half-cappuccino, 1/4 hazelnut steamer, and 1/4 vanilla latte. mmmmmmmmmmm. Somehow, this also tends to lend a little more caffeine kick (or it could be that, as the fast goes on, there's less and less inside carbs to soak it up).

I'm also enjoying the effects of the tanning I've signed up for. I go for the minimum time, but I love that little extra "glow" it gives me. For health reasons, I'm not really supposed to lie in a tanning bed, but I don't really see the difference between this and lying out in the Caribbean sun. My whole family has died from cancer, and here I am trying to kill myself with an eating disorder. So what's the difference?

And I've got a new outlook at the gym. I can tell that I'm losing muscle mass from the on-and-off fasting and bingeing, so I'm trying to mix a considerable amount of weightlifting in with the cardio. I'm hoping to build back some calorie-burning-muscle, and also hope that the mix of cardio/w'lifting/cardio will cause an "intervals" effect of keeping my metabolism running for longer. And while I'm still tabulating cardio distance (my goal is to run/walk/ellipse 1000 miles in 2007), I've quit keeping up with calories-burned. Now it's more about paying attention to my body -- for what good is it to "press on and keep going" today if it's going to cause me to want to pig out when I get home because I'm so miserably depleted of calories?

The pounds are going to come off slower this time, I'm sure of it. Of course the fifteen pounds I put on on the ship would have come off easiest. But now I'm working on weight that I've been carrying for ten years. It's going to be considerably more difficult. So I'm attempting the "slow and steady" course.

:::sigh:::


P.S. Sometime last weekend, this blog surpassed 1000 views. Not bad for a blog that only has less than 100 entries. ;)

Friday, August 17, 2007

DAMNIT! Only three days of "eating normal" on set, and I put on 10 fucking pounds!!! I hate this!!!!

Every time the director called "take five" there was an assistant on hand asking if I needed anything, something to drink or eat usually. In an attempt to appear normal, I tried to order when the other actors ordered or munched, etc, and of course I had to eat the catered lunches. I also had to eat at night when a few of us went out for "drinks" but technically it's "schmoozing." Ugh... I love the WORK in this business, but I hate all the behind-the-scenes BULLSHIT we have to go through...

Anyway, I didn't have the opportunity to tally calories (only guess), I didn't have any place to workout or go to a gym, and I definitely couldn't fast or even restrict. :( Being on set there's not much to do other than sit around and wait for your shot to be ready, and if you move around too much people get nervous. So you sit and behave and drink too much coffee and the only fun people are the tech guys who are ALWAYS swarming around the crafts table, munching away. Ugh.

Today I had my last meal when I had a final "lunch out" with one of the girls. There was this adorable little creperie that she insisted I must try. But I'm sorry... I've been to France, and I know crepes are only supposed to be about as long as your hand, maybe the girth of a paper-towel-tube. The "fresh fruit ice cream" crepe she ordered was bigger than most burritos you'd get at a mexican restaurant!!! And it was STUFFED with whip cream, ice cream, and the oh-so-occasional slice of a strawberry. Jesus God... what a way to go.

Paying the bill at that place was like dumping a weighted backpack off. It was me finally signing off of this project - completed and done - and getting back to ana. Praying to God that it's not too late.

When I got home, I immediately shucked off all my clothes and jumped on the scale. 138!!! Oh my GOD!!!! That's only EIGHT POUNDS shy of what I weighed when I left the ship! How the hell could I let this happen! Ok, clearly my metabolism is 100% fucked up, because I don't know any normal human being who can put on 13 pounds of weight in a mere 3 and a half days!!!! It's not HUMAN!

So I'm hoping that when I wake up in the morning after a good night's sleep and a morning pee I won't be any more than 135. But jeez!!! Then I have to spend all weekend trying to shed this 10 pounds I've put on. I will be on pure liquids for the next four days at least, I promise you that.

Granted, I have a minor audition tomorrow, but that will be easy enough to push through. I'll have church Sunday morning, but a little coffee and some friendly distraction should get me through that. (Please God, don't let the girls in my carpool invite me to lunch. If they do, I'll have to fake a stomachache.)

Other than that, I have from now until next Tuesday to do a liquid fast and try to get back down to my 125 level. I'm looking forward to a lot of water, a little juice, enough coffee, and GETTING BACK TO THE GYM!!! Ugh.

Tuesday I have another shoot (one day only, thank God), and Wed/Thur I have another major audition (probably going to need at least breakfast each day). ~~~Lord, help me to be strong, grant me your Grace to shed these 10 pretty fast, and maybe even to shed even at least one more before I have to go back to work on Tuesday.~~~

I feel like such a lardo right now. My pants actually fit around the hips, and my thighs have expanded back out - gross!! My arms still look ok, and I can still see the shadow of my ladder when I reach back. But my stomach is THE WORST. I have a little buddha-belly sticking out, and the rolls of fat are grossing me out.

Oh Lord! I cannot get back on a treadmill fast enough!!!

I have to go sign up for tanning sessions and try to get in at least a few hours at the gym tomorrow morning. Then I'm gonna come back here and scrub the shower while I'm in it, hopefully will burn a few extra calories (and get the horrific smell of cats, sweat and PISS out of that place - I swear, my roommates are worse than GUYS).

Monday, August 13, 2007

It's 1:30 am. My alarm is set for 5:45 am.

I had two fruit smoothies, and two venti Starbucks today. This has been my FOURTH day with no food.

I am afraid I may not sleep AT ALL tonight.

I know I absolutely SHOULD sleep. I walked about eight miles just shopping today. It was a HUGE mall (so big that it had TWO Starbucks - yay!). And I'm only getting up at 5:45 so I can pack, get ready and get to my audition on time. I need to be alert and in good shape for my audition.

But my poor little brain is still racing, and I'm still packing. I can't even hold still long enough to concentrate on one task for very long. Before I can finish the task, my mind starts remembering something else that needs to be done before I can go to bed, and I get distracted...

I just glanced over at the bed, which is piled up with stuff in various stages of packing. I need to quit blogging and get over there...

Ok... just so you know, I'm going to be on location for the next few days, and if I get a half-second to get on the internet at all, it will be on the company's network, and that means NO visiting the ana facebook or this ana blog, or anything to do with ana. It could get me fired.

So don't fret if you don't hear from me for a little while. The shoot is only supposed to be through Wednesday, but there's a lot of scenes, and this director is good, but sometimes time slips away, so it has the possibility of extending into Thursday.

But please keep praying that I can keep up my energy. I really wanted to continue this all-liquid fast for as long as possible, and if I pull close to an all-nighter, tomorrow I'm going to DEPEND on vast amounts of coffee with no food, at least until the audition is over. My friend and I are scheduled to have a sushi lunch or dinner sometime after that (so my protruding belly won't show in my beautiful audition dress), and I'm going to take a few sub-100 snacks with me in my bag in case I get restless or tempted.

But if I can stick to liquids only for the next two or three days, in the face of having to work, I'm going to definitely come out of this THINNER, LIGHTER and so friggin' ecstatic that I'll be bouncing off the walls from more than just caffeine. ;)

Sunday, August 12, 2007

125!!! I can hardly believe it! Praise the Lord!! (Although He's probably REALLY pissed at me right now for abandoning my walk with Him again to go with ana...)

125! I'm back down to the weight I was going into my LAST big audition, just in time for my next big audition tomorrow. And I still have all day today to continue the liquid fast!

This is DEFINITELY the kind of fast I could get used to. What a shame!! I have to work for the next few days and will have to eat at least a little. But perhaps if I keep over-caffeinating, I will be less tempted to binge and more tempted to restrict. I know I'm going to get a LOT of walking in today, plus shopping is supposed to raise your heartrate too...

Well, one thing's for sure... it's not hard to over-caffeinate in Manhattan! There are over 170 Starbucks locations on this little island! There's TWO locations on some corners!!! (Unfortunately, there are nearly as many Dunkin' Donuts...)

HOORAY FOR CAFFEINE!!! HOORAY FOR STARBUCKS!!! Please, Ana, please... could I finally break this 125 barrier?!? Can I finally bust through the plateau and at least be 124 by tomorrow when I have to start eating again???

Saturday, August 11, 2007

vvvvvvvvvvv*** CAFFEINATED RAMBLING THOUGHTS ***vvvvvvvvvvv


Day 3 of the liquid fast went very well. Could not WAIT to try those V8 Fusion fruit/veg juices this morning and they were a GREAT breakfast! Kept me from having the 1 cup of grapes I was considering last night - yay! (Note to self: must go back to the store and stock up on these little delights while they're on sale...)

I can tell my body has gotten rid of all the nutrients and carbs and stuff from food, because suddenly just a little bit of coffee goes a long way. I am super-buzzed right now! I can't even keep my thoughts straight!

It feels great though... I can't believe I've only had ONE banana (as far as solid food) in the last three days. I'm not at all hungry or sluggish, but I know I'm starving, which makes me feel BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Well... maybe it's also that I haven't had just a "LITTLE BIT" of coffee... :) Today I've had a 24 oz cappuccino, a 12 oz coke zero, and a Venti Starbucks, all within about seven hours. Wooot!

All liquid, but still almost 700 calories! Ack! How much of that goes straight through, and how much sticks to your hips and needs to be burned?? We'll see how it stacks up on the scale tomorrow.

Down another pound this morning - hooray! Still not back to 125, but getting close. Tomorrow is the last day of the official "Liquid Fast."

After that, my schedule is cram-packed for the next five days, so I'm going to have to eat. I'll just have to be careful not to overload or binge, and undo all the hard work of the last four days. "Frugality and Restriction" will be my saving graces.

Tomorrow, a loooooooonnng day of shopping to keep me moving and distracted. I love the cool look of walking around a mega-mall with a Venti Starbucks cup in hand, so who knows how many of those I'll have tomorrow! I know there are at least 2 Starbucks kiosks inside the mall I'm going to. And I've pretty much decided to get another one of those yummy 24 oz cappuccino's on the ride out there. (Note to self: MUST remember to take at least 2 liters of water with me to temper all the caffeine!)

As it is already 10:30 at night and I need to go to bed before 1 am, I'm going to watch another movie and take a melatonin to try to dry up the caffeine so I can sleep properly tonight.

Lord knows, I am NOT taking care of my body this way! Living moment to moment, living on liquids only, carelessly ingesting as much caffeine as I want, not getting proper sleep or proper nutrition in any way... it's that "suicide-rush" that I've been trying to achieve with my donut-binges lately, only in a lower-calorie manner. I love it!!!!!!!

I only wish I didn't have to work for the next week or so... I still can't believe this is DAY THREE with NO FOOD and I don't even feel a little bit hungry! It makes me VERY curious to see how long I could go like this. Right now I feel like I could go for a full week, maybe even longer.

Imagine! One whole week with absolutely NO solid food!!! I've never accomplished that... boy, would I love to give it a try...
Day 2 of the liquid fast. Another good day.

Though I did give in to a banana for breakfast (still stuck on the whole "jump start your metabolism" thing), I only had one 24 oz. coffee after that, as far as calorie-intake for the day. Other than that, I had 1 liter of flavored water and two 20-oz. coke zeros.

I'm feeling good. I'm finally recalling that empty, hungry feeling, and how good it feels. I was down 3 lbs this morning... let's see if I'll have lost any more tomorrow.

I did have to fight off some longings for sugary donuts this morning, especially when I passed that $2.50 bag of crullers (2640 calories that I once finished in under 10 minutes) on my way to get the coffee. But the hungrier I got, the more determined I felt, and I found ways to distract myself.

I watched a movie, and a re-run of last night's BB8. The show had thinspirational Daniele, and the movie had thinsiprational Cate Blanchett.

The mail came and I needed to make a run to the bank. So I planned to stop by and exchange my movie at the same time. While I was there, I stopped in to the nearby 99-cent store to seek out and research cheap binges for my next crash. I can do mac-n-cheese with chicken for $1.60. Or a bag of Oreos for $2.00. Luckily, I had next to NO money in my wallet, and that kept me from purchasing anything.

Then I headed over to the other food cheap store, just to have some walking around to do. While there, I found 2/$1.00 V8 Fusion juice bottles at 80-cals apiece. I figured they'll be great tomorrow for a little variety on the juice fast.

Wanted to check out the trade paper, so I headed over to Borders where I can secretly read and copy without having to buy. Ended up spending the rest of the night there. Got totally absorbed in a book called "Finding God in Harry Potter" which details loads of Christian symbolism found in the popular series.

Now I'm home, it's midnight, and I'm overloaded on caffeine and feeling jittery. That's ok, I still have a ton of busy-work to attend to before I finally hit the hay tonight. Hope all the fidgeting is making up for a lack of enthusiasm for a gym-visit. We'll see what the scale says tomorrow and how it affects my gym-desire. And tomorrow night is church, probably with communion (since we missed it last week due to a guest speaker).

I am considering having a cup of grapes as my "jump start" breakfast tomorrow, but again... we'll see what the scale says and how it affects my will.
..............................................................


The book I was reading tonight had a very interesting description of the symbolism of a centaur, which reminded me very much of my own dual-natured struggle between being a Christian and doing the right, healthy thing, or being ana.

The centaur is first and foremost a symbol of man. It has the head and chest of a man and the body of a horse. The head and chest of a man are man's will, thought, and spirit; the horsey bottom is his desires or passions. The centaur is a comic picture of a man's dual nature as angel and beast. When man is right side up, his angelic part tells the horse's desires what to do, as a rider directs a horse; when the beast is in control, however, the belly of the horse drags the chest and head where it wants like a runaway pony.

I can honestly say that in the last two days, (with my apologies to my Christian heart being left behind) my ana horse is back up to a stealthy canter.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Today has been a good day.

Last night there was a party for a friend who is back in town to visit, and I saw a lot of my old good friends, and that made me very happy. I ate. I realized that my life is pretty good right now. I don't hate myself, I'm not depressed. And that's largely to blame for why I cannot bring myself to suppress my own appetite. It's a whole lot easier to not want to eat when I'm depressed and hate myself.

Well, I don't know how to make myself depressed, nor do I really want to. I like my life the way it is (except for my fat weight). My career's going well, I like my social life the way it is, I'm happy with where I am. All except for this damn weight which must decrease.

Today I decided to start fasting anew. Despite eating LOADS of munchies last night, I was quite the social butterfly. I haven't had time to go to the gym in about a week, but that also means I've been quite busy. Anyway, for whatever reason, I'm 131 lbs this morning. I'm not thrilled... it's been lower lately. But thank God, it's still the lowest weight I got to last year when I was "sick", and it's still 15 lbs less than when I left the ship.

So for that, today's been pretty easy to stick to liquids only. I'm not limiting the amount of coffee or juice I can have, and I'm not counting calories. But looking back at my food journal, it's been FAR TOO LONG since I had a single day with NO SOLID FOOD. (I foolishly believed that whole "never skip breakfast" myth. Total bullshit.) This has to be remedied.

So I'm going to have nothing but liquids for the next four days. As long as I'm not working, I'm not eating. And I don't have another audition or shoot scheduled until next Monday.

Also, I MUST get back to the gym. This will be a little easier now that my schedule is slowing down a bit.

Another thing that made me happy today was that I finally was OFFICIALLY inducted as a member of my home church. This has me OVER THE MOON!!! It's been a very long time since I put roots down ANYWHERE, so this is a HUGE step for me in my life. To actually DESIRE to be committed somewhere is.... a really big deal, to say the least.

And when I came home, my roommate -- God help me, but I just found out SHE'S PREGNANT -- had cooked up a huge pot of pasta. White, unrefined, simple carbs. The smell is INTENSE in this house! Suddenly my mind was racing with ways to justify eating just a little bowl of oatmeal, since I do have a small gig later tonight. Thankfully, I got on the facebook first, and seeing someone's suggestion of COFFEE there inpsired me to drown my food craving in a 20 oz cappuccino. Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!

So far today, I've had 3 cups of apple juice, and 2 cups of coffee, plus a liter of water. That's it. I feel pretty good about that. I'll probably have another liter of water during my gig tonight, and that will be the end of a good day one.

Once I head back to the gym, I imagine fasting will be a little bit tougher. But from where I was a few days ago -- wavering on whether to be ana again or not -- I feel a lot stronger. I feel committed to this fasting, or at least to this particular 4-day fast. After this, we'll see where my weight is compared to where my head is.

For today... I'm back. Full on, stronger than ever. And I have tied my bracelet back on to stay.

Monday, August 6, 2007

This is SO FUCKING HARD!!!

I feel like there are two different personas inside my brain who can never be at peace with one another. One says, "You can never be thin enough! You cannot be optimally successful in this career unless you lose some more weight! There is no other way to get thin but to starve and live Ana!" The other one says, "God loves you and is going to take care of your life no matter what. All you have to do is keep His temple, your body, in good condition. Weight is only a number. Health is what matters."


:::sigh:::


My biggest audition of the year was on Saturday. It's the same company I've been trying to get hired with for over five years now. And I have a funny feeling that this is my very last chance. If they don't hire me from this audition, I may lose all hope and never go back.

In the week or so leading up to the audition, I was convicted by God to quit facebooking, quit blogging, and to focus myself fully on serving Him and preparing for this audition. I experimented with restricting but not counting calories. I gave myself one eating day four days before the audition, and then cut back to less than 500-calories per day with NO sodium whatsoever until the day of the audition.

And after the audition, I made plans for a fucking FEAST.

The day of the audition, Saturday, I woke up weighing 125. I felt so proud of myself, feeling like God was smiling on me for having being obedient to Him and for attempting to do it healthfully instead of using Ana. The audition went well, as well as every other audition I've ever done for them. But whereas before I always walked out of those auditions feeling like I was on cloud nine and I was sure they would call to hire me tomorrow... this time I felt like, "Well, that's it. And now it's over."

It wasn't that I'd done poorly... on the contrary! I had been as completely and utterly prepared as I could be, and I'd done fairly well with the curveballs and twists with which they had tried to challenge me.

But now I have that completely helpless feeling: it is out of my hands.

The Christian side of my brain is saying, "It was always out of your hands -- it is all in God's hands! It always has been, and will continue to be!" Which is true... there were a few moments throughout the audition when I would start to panic, but then I would remember to call on the Holy Spirit, and He came and helped me succeed in those moments.

But the Ana side of my brain is saying, "Fine. Now that that's over, time to get back to business. And this time let's be SERIOUS about getting to that ultimate double-digit goal!!! Are you gonna sit here and be satisfied by being 125? No more excuses, fatty!!!"

Within the 24-hours following the audition, my celebratory feast included an entire medium pizza with 10 tbsp of fat-free ranch dressing, 3 coke zeros, a pound of candy-coated pretzels, 4 ounces of cinnamon honey almonds, 4 apple fritters, 4 glazed donuts, 2 Venti Starbucks, and only 1 liter of water. I cannot bring myself to even ATTEMPT to calculate the total calories.

* * * *I was 125 lbs on the morning of my audition. Forty-eight hours later, I am 134 lbs.* * * *

How is that even physically possible???


And now I am sitting here, trying to decide where to go from here.

I know for sure that 134 is not acceptable. Even 130 should be unacceptable. 125 should be at the very least MAINTAINED, so that further weight losses will be attainable.

I know that I love to restrict. And occasional fasting has provided me with a lot of mental clarity, but it's also very very hard to stick to, especially now that my weight is a little lower than when I started and had plenty to burn.

I know that God loves me, and that this past week I've been growing closer and closer to Him, like He wants. Without Ana to distract me. THIS is the real mission, the real reason why God sent me back to my old stomping grounds. He longs for a more intimate relationship with me, and I with Him.

But Ana leans in and whispers, "But while you're here and no one can see you, while no ones watching you and weighing you, while no one is forcing you to maintain a weight, wouldn't it be great to get scary rail-thin?? Oh, you'd be soooo beautiful! And you'd scare the living daylights out of everyone who hasn't seen you in a while!

[V is coming Wednesday. X is coming a week later. And I still haven't seen M's parents.]

"Because if this audition went well enough that you DO get hired, you'd better believe they are going to weigh you every week, for sure. You'll be trapped at whatever weight they hire you at. Wouldn't you rather be trapped at 110 than at 140?"

And.... God help me... she's right.

So here I am, back on the blog. I have checked my facebook, read notes from other anas, looked at thinspo. I can almost hear Jesus weeping over me, "No, please don't do this."

And the number drums in my head: 134. Unacceptable. 134. SO FAT. 134. Must get rid of it, must be lower. 134. Much too much.

If I try to reason with myself and see it in a positive light, I can argue that 134 is one-quarter of the way between ship-weight and UGW. The celebratory feast is officially over. There is no more going up from here. The damage is done, and now it's time to clean up again. Get back down to a safe 125, where the halfway mark of 122 is in clear sight!

The first 20 pounds came off SO FAST AND EASY. Back to restricting, back to marathon workouts. Seriously fasting. It dropped off like removing a heavy winter's coat.

The next 20 pounds is, unfortunately, going to go MUCH slower, I'm afraid. And the last eight pounds is going to be brutal. But I'll think of that later...

For now, just think of getting back to the safe 125. Get there by restricting, being careful, NOT cheating at ALL, and going back to 2 liters of water a day. Pick up all the little habits first.

Then when you get to 125, then plan how to get SUPER-SERIOUS, and get down to that halfway mark. Be encouraged !!!!

...

It makes me sad to address Jesus as if He is a sidenote. ~~Lord, don't leave me. Please. Forgive me in advance. Help me, Lord. I don't want to die, and I DON'T want to disobey You. I just want to be thinner. Forgive me. Forgive me... forgive me.~~