Well, the grand scheme for this week has gone right out the window today.
Found out today that not only has my film shoot been postponed "til further notice" (meaning NOT this week), but also going to two film auditions instead of the big theatre audition I thought I'd be going to tomorrow. Gotta go where the money is.
And I ate two donuts today.
Ok, I'm not freaking out. It's ok. Here's how the day played out:
I woke up and broke the fast with a 90-cal soup. Had 2 cayenne pills before and a ginger pill after, but got some acid reflux from something in that combination a few hours later. Bananas were 35 cents at the gas station, and I knew a banana only has 90 calories, so I had just one to kill the reflux. It tasted SOOO good. I can tell my body loves having something HEALTHY and organic in it. So I'm still doing good.
Later this afternoon, had two cayenne pills and my well-deserved, long-awaited dose of sushi. All was going well, until they brought me that pretty little fortune cookie on top of the check. The fortune said, "Always shoot for the sky, because even if you don't hit the target, you'll still land among the stars."
It was right about then that it hit me: must have something sweet. And the fortune cookie only pushed me over the edge. One block away, the bakery beckoned with all its sweet aromas.
Something strange I noticed: maybe because I was still dressed in my business suit from my audition (which by the way, is fitting looser than ever, feels great!!!), but as I walked anywhere, I had a feeling of supreme control, grace, and smooth fluidity all afternoon. It was great. That sort of confidence makes me engage my core, walk taller, and subsequently turn heads. That's the feeling of being 128 lbs!!! Yay - thin feels beautiful!!!
I walked down to the bakery and perused the ENTIRE STORE. I looked at all the labels, at all the options, on every table, every shelf, trying to find exactly what it was I came here for. I decided that I did NOT come here to ruin the day (and the hard work of the fast) with a crazy binge. I just wanted ONE cookie. Granted, it should be a huge, thick, 300-calorie cookie, but only one cookie. My stomach was already beginning to protest being full from the sushi. Too much more would be bad in so many ways.
I found an apple/cinnamon crumb cake that was perfect. It was exactly what I wanted. But when I looked in my wallet, I only had $4 left, and this was $3.89, and I still needed to go to the post office. THANK GOD. As I was walking towards the register, praying that somehow the money would miraculously stretch, I passed the donuts case and the brilliant sign that said, "45 cents each."
DING!!! Like a light bulb over my head came the rationale. The entire crumb cake (yes, I intended to eat the entire thing in one sitting) would have been about 2000 calories. The donuts would be significantly less, plus they'd cost less, but they'd still take care of the craving.
Thank God! I got one glazed croissant, and one apple cruller. (Later I figured out that this cost me a mere 470 calories, a definite better option than the cake.) I ate them in the car on the way to the post office and was able to dispose of the evidence before I got home. Thank God, because my roommate turned out to be there. I'm so glad I didn't get the cake, because I would have been required to take it inside the house and get a fork. And when the cake disappeared all at once, I'd have some explaining to do. ~~Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the restraint to opt for the donuts!!!~~
It was right about then that I decided this week's grand scheme of a 5-6-7-8 week, as I had planned, was about to be postponed to another time. Tonight, I would start my next 3-day liquid fast right away. I went home, changed clothes for the gym, and got there by 5:45, planning to cardio the night away until they kicked me out at 10.
So, having only taken in 1900 calories today, and burning 1600 at the gym, I think I can safely say today comes out even. I'm certainly not holding my breath that the scale will agree tomorrow morning, but I hope that the next 3-day liquid fast will help to negate any gain, plus a little more. I am still desperately seeking to be 122 lbs by July 18th, and I know ~with God's strength~ I can do it!!
So tonight at 8 pm, in the midst of running on the treadmill, I said a little prayer. ~~Lord, here goes my next 3-day liquid fast. May it bring glory and honor to You, and may it make me fall to my lightest weight yet.~~
Unfortunately, Starbucks goes back IN the plan. But I am going to try desperately to limit myself to ONE Venti per day. The JUNK calories are killing me. I should rather have an extra 300 calories of JUICE or anything else other than coffee and milk and syrup, even if it IS sugar-free. Besides, my wallet is aching, and I have to save my kidneys for my mom. And there's so many cool juice combos out there I want to try! (Again, I think this is my body crying out for HEALTHY instead of EMPTY calories.)
Distractions in the next three days should be plentiful. Tomorrow (and this is part of what made it easy to opt for a fast instead of an 800-calorie day) is going to be SO busy that I won't even have time to go to the gym. My plan to eat 800 calories would have been spread over 8 small meals, and I'm simply not going to have the time or space to get all that done, even if I wanted to. A liquid-fast is going to be much easier to handle, especially being day one.
Wednesday is going to be a STELLAR day at the gym, as I will have had Tuesday off, I'll have the morning to sleep in, maybe do a saltwater flush, and I don't have any obligations til late at night. Thursday will be much the same, only without the late-night obligation (a good thing, because the end of the third day will be the hardest).
But most of all, I'm REALLY looking forward to this fast to see how much closer it will bring me to God. I was really very pleased with the clarity and strength I got from the last 3-day liquid fast, and with only one day of "normal" (read: less than 2000 calories) eating between this and the last one, hopefully it will be more of a continuance rather than an all-out new fast.
One more thing to note about today. I'm a huge fan of "Big Brother" on CBS, and the new season just started this weekend. There is one little girl named Daniele there, who appears to be anorexic! She's very very tiny and bony, really frail-looking (and you know the camera ADDS 10 pounds) and when her estranged father saw her for the first time in several years, he made a sad comment about how she looked, "...like you've lost a lot more weight," sort of implying that this is not necessarily a good thing. In the first food competition, her team lost and was assigned to eat "slop" for the week, to which she immediately declared, "I'm not eating that." I couldn't tell by the look on her face, but it seems to me that there's no better excuse for not eating. If she wasn't happy about it, she really didn't make a big fuss. Yay for THINSPIRATION to watch 3 times a week!!!