Thursday, July 5, 2007

Rainy night. Fourth of
July, 2007.
Nothing to do. Bored.

Write haiku to pass
the hours. Anything to keep
me from eating more.

Not even hungry.
Munchies because I'm bored stiff.
Nothing else to do.

Worked out already.
Three hours til they kicked me
out. Never enough.

Came home, got clean. Ate.
Made phone calls. No invitations
to go out tonight.

Entertain myself.
Online connection is weak.
Shouldn't just sit here.

'Pretzel sparklers' I
worked so hard on sit in the
fridge. Cold. Uneaten.

No party to take
them to. No one to impress.
So they just sit there.

Damn shame. Cause they taste
really good. I'm really proud
of myself. Damn shame.

Have ingredients
for two desserts I didn't
even make. Stupid.

What was I thinking?
Does anyone even know I'm here?
Not like they're working.

I hate holidays.
If I'm not working, somehow
I'm always alone.

New Years of '06?
At the gym. Watched fireworks
while on the treadmill.

Haven't been home for
my birthday, or Thanksgiving
or Christmas for years.

Sometimes I love this
rambling, traveling lifestyle.
Sometimes, not so much.

It's just the fucking
4th of July! Why the hell
do I care so much?

On the way home from
Barnes & Noble, stopped to watch
fireworks. Alone.

What a fucking loser.
Nothing else to do but come
home and eat again.

Damnit! Shit! Piss! FUCK!!!
Eating because I'm bored is
NOT acceptable!!!

Three thirty-eight in.
Thirteen thirty-nine out. Ought
to be one pound less.

One twenty-seven.
A new low! That would be nice.
Still so far to go.

One tomorrow. Two
more by Sunday? Then just
3 more til cheat day!

Six pounds til my next
cheat day. Restrict until then.
I have to stay STRONG.

Oh! To be double
digits! I can do it by
October 1st, right?

Only if I'm strong.
Weak girls eat. Fat people eat.
I hate being fat.

Hate feeling hungry.
Wish I craved more God, less food.
What did Jesus say?

"Man does not live by
bread alone." Luke 4:4. Lord,
less of me, more You.

Lord, make my hungry
for nothing but more of You.
Make me thirst for You.

I must become less
so that You will become more.
I need to be less.

Lord, grant me strength to
overcome the temptation
of food sustenance.

Make me need nothing
but You! Fill my soul with your
Everlasting Love.

Help me to be strong.
Help me become less and less.
Help me disappear.

Just ninety-eight pounds.
That's all I need to be. I
won't be dead, just thin.

I don't want to die.
Death would defeat the purpose.
I'm not chasing death.

I want to be THIN.
Just a smidge under "healthy."
Not dead, not bony.

I want to see my
ladder. I want to count my
ribs in the mirror.

I want people to
look twice when they see me, but
not panic, and say,

"Wow! She looks great now!
I mean, she always looked good
but now she's gorgeous!"

Just because I lose
fifty pounds, doesn't make me
less of a person.

It will just mean there's
a testimony where there
used to be fat flesh.

There will be new strength
where weakness and selfish
desires once dwelled.

I will be living
proof that God makes all things new!
Miracles happen!

Just ninety-eight pounds
where a lost soul once was a
hundred sixty-five.

I'm over halfway
there already! Just thirty
ugly pounds to go.

Thirty more pounds to
beautiful. Thirty more pounds
to sweet perfection.

I can do it in
three months, with the Lord's mercy
and strength to guide me.

Not by my own strength
But by relying on Him.
He gives me courage.

He stops my hunger.
I do not need the things of
this world. Only Him.

Keep your eye on the
prize. Give glory to Jesus
and pray for God's grace.

Let the Lord show you
the way, let Him determine
your steps. Listen close.

Heed His warnings, and
obey His precepts. Seek His Will,
and thank Him always.

Become like the Lamb
by fighting like the Lion.
Nothing else matters.

No comments: