Sunday, July 22, 2007

My life and my brain are completely out-of-whack. I can't keep my thoughts straight for more than an hour at a time. My mood swings violently every fifteen minutes or so. It's making me crazy.

But there's one thing I can see on the scale every morning: God is still with me. He doesn't want me to be this out-of-control. He is blessing me, encouraging me to come back to the straight and narrow path.

Fasting gave me mental clarity. These past four days, I have mercilessly filled my body with uncountable amounts of pure junk, in fits of sheer recklessness. By letting my impulses to eat get out of control, it's causing my mind and my thoughts to go out of control. It's time to bring it all to a HUGE STOP!!! Time to get back to God, back to fasting, back to clarity, back to reason, back to sensibility... and back down away from the perilous edge of 130.

For all the SHIT I've been putting in my system over the last four days, I truly ought to be 146 pounds again. On Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday, I binged on sushi, cake, a huge diner greasy burger and fries, more cake, ice cream, fruit smoothies, cinnamon almonds, and donuts, donuts, donuts. It seems I could not get enough cinnamon in my life - I crave it, unquenchably.

In four days, I have put well over 10,000 calories in my body. This is 1000 calories per day MORE than an average, NORMAL female of my size and height should do.

So this morning, I expected to wake up and be no less than 130 pounds. Yet miraculously, I am only 129. In four days, I have not even binged myself back into the digits starting with 13-. In four days, I have gained four pounds. GOD IS GOOD.

So the fast I am starting today is for MANY reasons:
-- To thank God for His mercy and blessings. I do not deserve such goodness.
-- To return to a state of mental clarity, where my thoughts are streamlined and flowing.
-- To stay out of that dangerous 130 range.
-- To regain control over my habits and reckless impulses.
-- To stabilize and flush out the toxins in my body.
-- Basically, to get BACK ON TRACK.

I am calling this fast a "return to clarity." I feel that if I can regain control over my mind and my body, and realign myself with God's Will, then I can finally return to consistenly LOSING weight, and bring my temple down to a weight of 110 pounds. After that, I will allow myself to bounce around between 110 and 120 for a little while before moving on to the ultimate goal of 98 pounds.

~~God, please help me to stick to this declaration. Help me dedicate control over my life and my body and my mind to YOU.~~

I will begin this fast with one day (today) of zero calories intake. I will also go to the gym and get a HUGE cardio blast for 1 - because I haven't been to the gym in almost five days, and for 2 - to get back into the swing of it.

For the next 2 to 4 days after, I will take breakfast in the morning of oatmeal with fat-free milk (200 calories), and one piece of fruit in the afternoon (less than 100 calories). Other than that, I will try to stick to only ONE coffee (160 to 275 calories), one fruit juice (110 to 220 calories), and else water, flavored water, tea, or coke zero (all zero calories). This is a total of less than 800 calories per day, only less than 300 in solid food.

I am convinced that the oatmeal for breakfast is one thing that it helping to stabilize my metabolism and my weight, something I had lost control of just before this week began. I was unable to get my heart rate up after having fasted for only a few days, and the weakness was killing me, maybe literally.

I will also continue my morning vitamin regimen. When I was consistently fasting, I had stopped the vitamins because if I take them on an empty stomach, my body almost always rejects them; I throw them up and that's not only wasteful, it feels terrible. But if I take them with my morning oatmeal, things should stay down and soak in.

I am going to buy some cinnamon supplements today when I go food shopping. I hope this will curb those insatiable cravings for not only the cinnamon donuts and cinnamon almonds, but maybe also the cinnamon coffee. I know that cinnamon is supposed to boost metabolism, but in these forms it defeats the purpose!


Plan for today:
- Zero calories
- Get car oil changed
- Food shopping: non-fat yogurt to make fruit smoothies, lots of bottled water, electrolyte-infusers, cinnamon pills.
- At home, run laundry and mix fruit smoothies
- Workout: burn 1500-2000 calories in a HUGE cardio burn, and at least 200 Nautilus crunches

Plan for next week:
- Oatmeal breakfast with vitamins, fruit snack in afternoon
- cardio workouts as often as possible; burn at least 1200 each day
- try to come back down to 125 lbs by Wednesday

If I can achieve 125 by Wednesday, I will have ONE day of SENSIBLE eating (maybe sushi and one little treat, we'll see what my cravings demand), then begin another 3- to 5-day fast to try to get down to 122.

My next MAJOR cheat CANNOT come until 120. I think it's going to be a full pizza with ranch dipping sauce. NOT UNTIL 120. Donuts were supposed to be my reward for 122. That picture has been smashed to bits.

This senseless binging has gone on for too long. Time to RETURN TO CLARITY.

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