Tuesday, July 3, 2007

I'm so fucking tired; I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet.

At 10 pm tonight, I weigh 131. That's good for several reasons:
1 - ANYTHING less than this morning's 132 is good.
2 - I always weigh lightest in the morning after a good eight-hours rest and a pee. So I'll most likely be lighter tomorrow.
3 - Tomorrow will be halfway through the "week", so maybe some of the bloat will have abated, making me lighter still.
4 - I am DEFINITELY doing a saltwater flush tomorrow, I don't care how damn bad it hurts. These digits that start with 13- have got to go away forever!!!

Today was so fucking boring. Got up at the butt-crack of dawn to race over to the commercial set. As always with film and television, it's a helluvalotta hurry-up-and-wait. I got there a half-hour before the scheduled call time, was in and out of the makeup chair before they'd even set all the lights and angles. ONE HOUR later, the first shot was ready, and so the hell was I. Did my one happy little line (about 25 different ways)... "Thankyou! You're dismissed from set." Even though they paid me for the full five hours.

Well, shouldn't complain, it's a check in the bank.

Except that my other obligation today was an audition at 4 pm, which was scheduled so late because I was expected to be on-set til 2pm. So when I was dismissed at 10:30 am, I called my agent, who said there was no way to bump it up. And the audition is only 10-minutes driving distance away!! Arrrgh!

So I found a Barnes & Noble on the way and sat my happy butt down for nearly 5 straight hours! Of course, I cannot sit that long, smelling the Starbucks without indulging. After only about an hour, I caved. Unfortunately, the Starbucks' in Barnes & Noble's do NOT carry my favorite flavor (which happens to be the LOWEST-cal thing on the menu)! Damnit! So I had to order something potentially higher in calories, though I don't know because it's not on any of the nutritional menus on their website. (Grrrrrr#^*)*^##^*(()!@())_&!!!!!!!!!)

I ordered a SUGAR-FREE Vanilla Latte, and the regular one is deemed to have 250 calories. So I put that on the excel chart for today's intake, only slightly consoled by the ASSUMPTION that it's actually less.

Meantime, I finally found "The Best Little Girl in the World." It has 25 chapters, and by the time I had to leave I had finished 23 chapters. Damnit! So I had to put it down right as it was getting good. (Hell no! I am not going to buy it when I've only got 20 pages left to read...)

Did the audition and got home. Roommates were here, and since I'd gotten up so early, I'm really not in the mood for the gym. So I heated up my soup-to-go and sped out the door again, not intending to come home til I know they're in bed.

Went straight to my local Barnes & Noble and found the book again. Finished the book and was SO MADLY DISAPPOINTED!!!! What the fuck was that ending about? Within one year she goes from perfectly healthy to nearly dead back to perfectly normal??? HAY-EL NO!!!! (I have a big problem with happy endings to tragic stories, especially when they're touting themselves as being reflections of REAL LIFE.) "Can I join you for some Monopoly?" as she's waiting for her now-magically-restored-and-functional family to come pick her up? HAY-EL NO!!!!

...

...

...I digress.

I walked over to the grocery store and picked up a coke zero. Walked back to the B&N and went straight to the "Addiction & Recovery" section, desperate to find any more books dealing with REAL stories of anorexia. Skimmed a few, absolutely rejected anything that had to do with the medical jargon and psychobabble of "why anorexia." Finally settled on a 'journal written from an 11-year old perspective' called "Stick Figure." Supposedly the writer found her journals from when she'd been through ana at 11. Here she cleans them up a bit and makes them novel-like. We'll see.

I got through about 50 pages, and it was 9 pm. My body is wracked. I've been awake for the perfect 16 hours, so it's time to go home and go to bed. Besides, for the holiday, the gym is going to close early at 2 pm tomorrow, so I have to get there early to get in a good workout. Plus I wanna do the saltwater flush too, which will take a few hours. :::sigh:::

This is all going to be worth it when I'm thin.
..............................................................


Total intake today: something between 300-500 calories.
Total output today: skipped the gym, so whatever my metabolism felt like burning
Total deficit: I sure as hell hope so.

P.S. My one meal of the day, that soup-at-hand, was not bad! Pretty good for only 90 calories: gave me sodium that made me feel full, protein that made me feel satisfied, and at the end, lots of the little pasta things stuck to the bottom and I threw 'em out, so I actually consumed maybe about 80 calories or so. Cool.

Now if I could just quit the damn Starbucks...

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