Friday, July 20, 2007

I'm having a really hard time, lately, just getting my thoughts organized.

I feel like every moment is out of order. I can't get my head together. Luckily, I'm not to the point where I'm missing appointments or losing track of time. But somewhere between the binge on Wednesday... was it Wednesday?

What day is today? Friday I think.

I am at a bookstore. Killing time before I am due at my gig tonight in the little joint right next door. I need to go change my clothes at about 6 pm so I can arrive at the gig on time. Of this much I am sure.

I just got a drink at a major chain restaurant and their website does not list the damn nutrition data!!!! Isn't this against the fucking law?!? How do I ALWAYS manage to find these restaurants!?!!!!????

Ok, I'm calming down.

Where was I??

I know I haven't slept well the past few nights. Just too much to do, too much to organize and get in place before I can go to bed before I have to start a new day. Gotta set out what outfits I'm going to wear. Gotta file all my receipts, balance my wallet, tally the day's calories. Did I spell "tally" right? Is it supposed to be with an "-ie" at the end?

I haven't been to workout in over 2 days. And that was just a quickie. Oh damnit. And I forgot to call my best friend on her BIRTHDAY that night. Way to go, dumbass.

I'm sipping an orange mango smoothie. Shouldn't have bought it; I've spent WAY too much money today. I cannot afford this! I hope it doesn't have too many calories. It tastes so damn good... it can't possibly be healthy.

I still haven't eaten my banana today either. It's sitting here beside me in my bag, slowly rotting. I bought it this morning at the gas station when I bought my 24 oz fake-a-ccino coffee. I'm just not hungry. Jesus, why should I be... I've eaten like a pig for the past two straight days.

I'm probably WAY over my 300 calorie limit today. I'm so pissed off because there's no way to know for sure!!! I don't know how many calories were in my morning coffee, or in the other large latte I had three hours ago, and I don't know how many are in this smoothie. DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But do the calories even really matter if it's all liquid? I did have my oatmeal breakfast this morning. And I had a (I KNOW THIS IS GROSS, but it always surprises me)... I had a natural bowel movement about an hour ago. Hell, if that's the oatmeal making things happen, I can be ok with eating oatmeal and a piece of fruit and all else liquids all day for the next WEEK at least!

But will that get me down to 122?

I did something very scary yesterday, and I'm still not sure what to make of it. Well.... let me start at the top of the day.

I knew I would be eating on Thursday, no matter what I weighed when I woke up (127), because I had a big audition that day.

Another random thought: lately I've been taking my vitamins at the top of the day, with breakfast (a weight control multi-vitamin, a calcium supplement, and an omega-3 fish oils supplement), as well as 1 cayenne pill before breakfast and 1 ginger after breakfast, and another before-and-after if I eat something else during the day.

So I woke up and ate my oatmeal. I had a venti Starbucks on the way into the city. I had a sushi lunch with a friend (3 rolls, miso soup, and a ginger salad). Then I went to my audition, feeling full but not necessarily fat.

The audition went well, and I started to head home. There were only four blocks between the studio and the train station. But I knew there were 3 Dunkin' Donuts and smoothie place along that route.

Something in my head wondered if I could get one cheap donut (cheap so I'm not going overboard on spending money I don't have) at each place, fully consuming it on the way so that each time I'd walk in I could look like it was the first place I'd gone to eat all day. So I wouldn't look like a ravenous pig. Which, I really was.

Thing is: I wasn't even hungry! It was just a challenge to myself. Before I got down to the street, I stopped in an empty corner of the stairwell and pulled a $10 bill out of my wallet, then buried the wallet deep in my bag. I would not spend more than this $10 on my binge. This would keep me from spending too much or eating too much.

First I stopped at the smoothie place. I got a 14 oz. papaya smoothie ($2.10) and chugged it crossing the street to the first DD. Tossed the empty cup into the bin on the corner and walked into the store.

They had free samples of the new pizza they offer there. Sausage. I had one. It was good, but not what I had come for. I bought a glazed coffee roll ($1.39... total: $5.49) and took it in a bag to go.

I stopped at the newsstand outside on the corner to get the newspaper I needed ($2.95... total: $6.44) and started tucking into the coffee roll. Two blocks away from the next DD, inside the train station.

Finished the coffee roll and disposed of the bag before crossing the next street. Inside the station, I had about six minutes before my train arrived. The line at DD was four people deep, and nothing inside the display case was really making my mouth water. Nothing with glazed cinnamon! Geez, a damn cinnamon twist would have been great.

But the bakery next door had no line, and probably fresher baked goods. Is it greek? I can't tell. A bun on the bottom shelf looks like maple with nuts. Close enough. How much? $2.65. I'll take one: to go. (Total... $9.09).

As I'm leaving, the ice cream shop has bananas on display and I can't resist. There is nothing but change in my pocket. How much for a banana? 68 cents. I give her 70 cents, take my banana and run to catch my train.

Once I found a two-seater in the corner, I stacked up my bags on the seat next to me and spread out my newspaper so no one would want to sit by me. And before the train even took off... before everyone was even boarded, I started jackhammering the maple-nut roll down my throat. I didn't even taste it. The train finally started to pull out of the station, and I finished the banana in about four bites. I set the peel into the bag, and crumpled them down as far as it would fold into itself.

It sat there on the seat beside me, smelling like the banana peel, for the rest of the ride home.

I had that weird sophisticated feel about me again. Like... I walk around knowing that people have seen me just SCARF down this abhorrently unhealthy meal/snack/whatever the hell you want to call it... and yet, I feel like a trim, fit woman. I don't feel like people who are looking at me know I have an eating disorder, and I've just fed it again. I feel like people are wishing that they had my apparently killer metabolism.

But I know a secret they don't. And that makes my little heart fly!

Driving the rest of the way home, I am scouring the exits for another DD. There's a Starbucks? Will that do? No... I've already had my limit of one Venti for the day, and I don't really want more coffee. I need a Krispy Kreme, or a gas station with cheap donuts...

There is a Walmart. Walmart's have bakeries. I pull over.

Getting closer... it's not a Super-Walmart. Therefore, probably no bakery. It's starting to rain.

-----And this is what scared me the most about the entire day:---
As I reached for my umbrella, I actually heard myself murmur out loud,

"Please, Lord, at least let them have SOMETHING with which I can kill myself.




But neither that, nor the rain, nor the fact that I only had 21 cents left of my self-imposed $10 limit, was enough to stop from going inside.

Inside there was a Subway, but no bakery. I barely even gave Subway a thought. Not cheap enough, and not enough calories for the satiety. I would get full before I got close enough to a possible heart attack from calorie-overload. I still wanted donuts.

I wonder... if I could have been someone else looking at myself right then, what would I have seen? Surely my eyes must have been maniacal, as I was on a MISSION, and anyone who would have gotten in my path would have been mown down without a further thought.

Yet, I still have that light, sophisticated feel. I know I look beautiful -- I still have all my audition hair and makeup on. It looks out-of-place GORGEOUS anywhere else but the audition (where I just fit in).

The bakery aisle was mecca. Entemann's. Tastycakes. Little Debbies. Hostess.

Saints... all of them.

I did a quick but thorough scan of every item on the aisle, mentally rating each for their price, quantity of calories, density of calories per gram (for satiety), and desire of taste. I finally settled on a box of Tastycakes powdered donut gems ($2.49).

To put up an act of looking like I was shopping for my family's breakfast for tomorrow, I went one more aisle over and picked up a half-gallon of fat-free milk ($1.77). I rang myself through the self-checkout and got in my car. I pulled two napkins from the glove compartment, and placed one on each leg, to avoid falling powder from leaving tell-tale tracks on my black pants. I took a swig straight from the half-gallon, capped it tight, and placed it on the console under my elbow.

I opened the box of donuts like a fucking jewelry box. I think angels sang when I took a look at 1800 calories of death glowing from inside. I turned out the walmart bag and placed the open box beside me over the emergency brake within easy one-handed reach, started the car, and got back on the road.

And the rain began to POUR.

At that moment, without my knowing it, God began to intervene. But I didn't notice. I was too busy popping donuts in my mouth systematically. Bite off the top half, chew enough to avoid it sticking to the sides of your esophogus. Bite off another quarter, chew and swallow, then pop in the last quarter. Chew, swallow, lick your fingers, wipe them on the napkin, and shift gears if necessary. Take a swig from the half-gallon. Repeat.

Entering the tollway. I can leave the buffet exposed, as I only have to take a toll ticket from a machine. No one can see my suicide plot. But there's only 30 miles from here to the man in the toll booth beyond. I must eat faster. I must consume EVERYTHING before I reach the toll booth!!!

About halfway through the box, traffic slowed to a fucking standstill. I'm not even kidding. We literally moved 2 miles in about one hour. I've been through some bad traffic in this area, but NEVER like this. And I can't see what's ahead that's keeping us.

I move the napkins from my lap to cover the conspicuous labels of the donut box and milk jug from the prying eyes of neighboring drivers. If anyone sees my suicide-in-progress, they might try to stop me. I can't let that happen.

But my stomach is beginning to ache unbearably... and I'm only halfway through the death feast! I'm actually thanking God for the relentless traffic. More time to let things settle so I can finish this all before the toll booth. The rain stops, and the clouds begin to dissipate. God is smiling now that I've stopped eating.

But my watch still shows 6:30. ~~Lord, let the traffic linger. I still have an hour and a half to finish.~~


7:55 pm. And yes, I am STILL in traffic.

But because I'm not moving, things are not settling in my stomach. But things are stirring in my mind too. Over the past ninety minutes, I've had a lot of time to think about what's happening right now. There is no way I'm going to be able to finish that box before 8:00. And there is no way I'm going to make it home in time to get to the gym before it closes.

Oh God.... what have I done???

And remember what I said before... when you call on Him, He shows up.

New plots start running through my head:

-- Plot #1: Work on the rest of the feast slowly for the remainder of the night until it's all gone, even if you stay up til midnight doing it. I HATE wasting stuff. I have an extra bag that I can hide it in to get it upstairs if the roommates are home when I get there.

-- Plot #2: There is a homeless man who sits outside the cafe down the street just before I get home. At 8:00, commit to ending this feast. Drive by and give the remaining leftovers to him.

I convince myself that Plot #2 is from God. And traffic finally begins to move at a normal speed... further proof that Plot #2 is the way to go. My new mission begins...

Shit. It's 6 pm. I can't type fast enough...


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