Friday, July 13, 2007

God, I am really starting to HATE eating days... neccessary evil.

Today, praise the Lord! I woke up and I was 125 blessed pounds! I haven't been this light in over NINE YEARS. Praise the Lord for His strength and mercy and goodness!!!!

As a reward for my good behavior and accomplished short-term goal, from 8 am this morning until 8 pm tonight I allowed myself the privilege of eating just about anything I wanted. I did have a bit of a plan. I knew I'd have to start off slow, as I've been liquid-fasting for nearly a week straight.

So I started off with 2 cayenne pepper pills to get that metabolism kicking. Then I mixed up some instant oatmeal, Apple Crisp flavor, with 1/2 cup of fat-free milk for breakfast (total 190 calories). Haha! My roommates heard me making it in the kitchen!!! I have put off their sideways glances and averted their questions for another week or so...

It was so yum! But the cayenne pills were giving me acid reflux, so I had my ginger pill (to aid digestion) and started nibbling on a box of cinnamon almond toffees (10 cals apiece) to try to abate it a bit. I put a few extra almonds in a ziploc bag, packed my calorie-free flavored water, and set off on a hike to the downtown farmer's market for the fruit I've been craving all week!

(The plan I've been concocting for the last three days was to buy a pint each of strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, and raspberries, (and maybe some bananas), bring them home, freeze them, and then fondue up some almond bark to dip them in. I also wanted to whip up a bunch of oatmeal raisin cookies for my agent - who's been SO good to me since I got back - and maybe taste a few of them along the way, maybe dipping them in the almond bark too. ;)

A little more than a mile and a half to the market, and SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much temptation inside!!! Little pies and cakes and cookies and fresh-baked goodies, and breakfast foods and lunch pies and "healthy" wraps and sub sandwiches and ....oh! my my my!!!

Yes, I forgot to pray, and so I got a little carried away. I bought all my fruit (except I couldn't find any blackberries), but also got a little chicken/cheese wrap and a little oatmeal cookie pie (together, 890 calories) which I ate on the spot.

Halfway through the pie, I was already hating myself again. My stomach was screaming for mercy. I took a few sips off my water and started the long trek home, wondering if I was already done eating for the day --- at NOON -- and not having even touched the fruit or baked a single cookie from the plan.

So on the long walk home, I did a little talking with God. I figured out that there's no point in baking those cookies for my agent just yet, since they would only get stale over the weekend before I go to see her again early next week. And now I'm sort of regretting buying all this fruit, because my poor little stomach which has shrunk SO much (although my BRAIN has yet to figure that out) is telling me it will allow absolutely no more!!

When I got home, I'd walked 3.3 miles. That's a good 476 calories burned. I ate one of the bananas, just because they smelled SO friggin fresh and good! I love bananas, and I think it's a shame they're one of the highest-calorie fruits...

And I set about to washing, cutting up, and freezing my berries. While tooling around the kitchen, I started craving bread. (Nay - my BRAIN was craving bread, my stomach was just furious with me.) I was getting a bit more acid reflux, so I think I was craving the bread to soak it up.

.....NOTE: After doing a little reserach later tonight, I have come to the conclusion that this acid reflux thing is either a negative component of the cayenne pills (I may need to cut back to just one at a time), or the result of stirring up toxins that were in the middle of being cleaned out (that's what yesterday's misery was all about: I was in the midst of a 'cleansing crisis' to use the fasting term). Either way, I have learned for future break-the-fasts that this acid reflux thing is going to happen, and I will have to learn how to fight it without using food. Good lesson learned...........

While rooting around the fridge and freezer, I found a few things to make up a pita pizza (610 cals) with some of my roommates' ingredients that I hope they won't miss. It's a little bit thrilling to be stealing food too. Oh well, if my roommates call me on it, at least they can't say I don't eat. And I can pay them back if they're THAT bitter about it.

It was yummy too, and hit the spot, but left me feeling once again just BLUGGGHHHHHH with a full stomach. I went upstairs to watch a movie and lay it out.

But the pizza left me with half a can of chicken, and I just hate to waste stuff. I found some Easy Mac in the pantry and whipped up a quick bowl and added the chicken (just like a binge I had a few weeks ago, only a much smaller portion). 240 calories.

Ugh..... this is adding up. And every time my stomach finally settles to a point where I can SIT comfortably, I go for more food.

I watched another movie and those cookie ingredients were sitting on the corner of my desk staring at me the whole time! How rude! Well, I decided to whip up a batch of Oatmeal Chocolate Chip anyway, just a double dozen. (The ones for my agent will be Oatmeal Raisin.) And NO almond bark... that would just be TOO sweet. And I've already done plenty to kill my sweet cravings.

After just six cookies, I thought I was going to EXPLODE AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even kidding! I couldn't sit down, and I seriously thought I had just had gastric rupture. I started to get a serious cramp running up through the left side of my collarbone which I can only assume is some blood vessel or something with a clot of FAT in it... anyway, all this pain is my body telling me....

ENOUGH DAMNIT!!!!!


Ok, ok, chill. I get it. It's about 8 pm anyway. And 3000 calories later, I do thoroughly hate myself.

And THIS is how I've started the four-day fast to 122.

I need to find a reason for this fast, other than just a weight-loss goal. The first 3-day was in repentance for an unplanned binge. The second was to Praise God for not making me gain a single ounce on my one eating day, even though I had 2 donuts above and beyond the plan.

In other news, my new book finally came in the mail today: "Fasting Girls - the History of Anorexia Nervosa" by Joan Jacobs Brumberg. I've been waiting for it for a week and a half, so I'm glad to finally have it, especially since I just finished "Stick Figure" yesterday (good book!). It goes through a lot of the historically chronicled 'excuses' for fasting, from vanity to piety to honor. Everyone's always been anorexic "for a better cause" or a "higher calling."

Yeah... that's why I do it too.... :::sarcasm::: I just think red ribbon bracelets are pretty....

So I think for the rest of tonight I'm going to begin this book and use it to look for a good mantra/title for the next 4-day fast. Tomorrow, I'm going to try to drag my butt out of bed early to get to the gym for a good hard first day of the new liquid fast before church tomorrow night. I'm thinking the weekend should be pretty easy (these 3000 calories should last me a good long while!!!) and Sunday morning I might even do a saltwater flush to get out all the excess that exercise doesn't burn or that I've already digested.

Monday and Tuesday are a little too far out to predict, but there's still the fragile possibility of that film shoot happening. No auditions planned yet, but that could change at any second too. If days are empty, I'm going to try my best to get to the gym and not just mull around the house. If they're busy I'll be much happier, as the distractions keep me a) from being bored, b) burn calories, c) distracted from hunger.

The Lord is so good.


Become like the Lamb
By fighting like the Lion.
Nothing else matters.

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