Tuesday, July 24, 2007

DAMN THE DONUTS!!! FUCK ME! DAMN THE FUCKING DONUTS!!!

Yesterday, I messed up AGAIN! Why the fuck am I SO WEAK?????

I was doing great. Had planned to have only oatmeal for breakfast and a banana for lunch. Would have been a sub-500 day. Went out to get my oil changed and do some food shopping. DAMN FOOD SHOPPING!!! Apple fritters were only 45 cents each, and my wallet said yes. My ana said, "You've done well today, and you still have time to go exercise it off. Go for it!"

Well, I don't know what the hell ana was thinking, or what the hell I was thinking. I had TWO apple fritters. I'm changing the old adage: "A moment on the lips... an HOUR AND A HALF ON THE FUCKING TREADMILL!!!"

Well, all-told yesterday I consumed 1015 calories, including breakfast, coffee, and the donuts. So when I got to the gym at 5:30, I knew I could get it all off and then some if I worked really hard at intervals for the next three hours. And I did. By the time I got to 1200 calories, I was satisfied that the donuts were safely "purged", so I finished up with a total of 1245 calories burned, plus 200 crunches.

Even on the drive home, something still didn't feel fair. I'm scared. I think - "For the sins of your weakness today, tomorrow ought to be another strictly ZERO calorie day!!!" But that thought makes me depressed, so then I made a promise to myself:
- If you're 126 in the morning, breakfast of oatmeal only.
- If you're 125 in the morning, breakfast of oatmeal and one fruit for lunch.
- If you're 124 in the morning... we'll think about doing this again.

And this morning, I was actually thinking I might be 124. What the fuck? Am I delusional???? I only BARELY burned off everything I'd eaten all day. What the fuck made me think I was going to lose MORE weight?

...

:::sigh:::

...

This morning, I was upset and a little shocked to be 126 again. Ok, ok.... so yesterday was more like 126.5 and today's a little more like 125.5... but it's still 126!!! Damnit!!!

I think I'm mostly upset by how much that means I have to restrict today. My worst fear is that I'm so mad at myself that I will rebel against the restriction and "try to kill myself" by going on another crazy 12-donut binge... that would really suck. My calorie-counts can NOT afford another crazy donut binge this week. I am COMPLETELY out of control.

So I've just had my oatmeal breakfast, and all my vitamins (now including the cinnamon pills too - hope that works to kill the cinnamon cravings!). I decided to jump start my heart by taking a brisk walk down to the corner store for some fake-a-ccino. I had to do SOMETHING to get the blood pumping, since my first priority this morning is to sit down and watch the two movies I have that are due back to the rental store by tomorrow.

Since the house is empty this morning, I'm going to take my dvd's downstairs to the cold cold basement to watch in just some shorty shorts and a thin tank top, plus my exercise ball and some freeweights. If I can keep moving while I'm watching the movies, and trying to stay warm in the basement, I can burn off this coffee I've just had and keep my metabolism motor running.

Then the plan for the rest of the day is to have LIQUIDS ONLY and to keep them as low-cal as possible. Probably just one fruit juice (140 cals), flavored waters, electrolyte-water, and coke zeros (all 0-cals). That will keep my intake down to 600 cals, and if I can burn another 1200 at the gym tonight, maybe HOPEFULLY I'll be down to 125 by tomorrow.

I feel bad that I've been avoiding my friend "Sa" just when she needs me most. She's leaving town one week from Wednesday, and she feels like I'm the only one who can help her pack. But I know that EVERY time I go out with her I end up eating something. I'm trying desperately to get down to at least 124 before I take her calls and go over to help her. It's such a helpless feeling... choosing between selfish desires and helping friends. This is what being anorexic does to you.

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P.S. I'm happy to report that of the FIVE vitamins/supplements that I know to be established metabolism helpers, I am taking four on a daily basis! These pills are SOOOO easy to get at any general drugstore, and they're even cheaper at Walmart. Add them to a diet of metab-boosting foods like grapefruit, whole grains, green tea, and protein (Fifteen Foods that Fire Up Your Metabolism) and you've got a real recipe for success! I highly suggest you try adding one or all of these to your daily regimen!

Cayenne Fruit (40,000 STU): nutritionally supports healthy metabolism. You know how they say that chile peppers and hot salsas add "heat" to your metabolism? It's true! Capsaicin, the active ingredient in Cayenne (Greek for "to bite" describing it's sharp, peppery taste), is responsible for cayenne's heat. The Chile Way to Burn Fat and Boost Metabolism

Omega-3 Fish Oil (1,000 mg): naturally contains the omega-3 fatty acids that help maintain heart and vascular health, and may reduce the risk of coronary heart disease by altering levels of a hormone called leptin in your body. Several recent studies suggest that leptin directly influences your metabolism, determining whether you burn calories or store them as fat.

Researchers at the University of Wisconsin found that mice with low leptin levels have faster metabolisms and are able to burn fat more quickly than animals with higher leptin levels. French researchers found that men who replaced 6 grams of fat in their diets with 6 grams of fish oil were able to boost their metabolisms and lose an average of 2 pounds in just 12 weeks.

Cinnamon (500 mg): helps support sugar metabolism! Recently released research from the USDA showed that cinnamon increased sugar metabolism by 20 times!!! (Take THAT you damned donuts!!!) How to Become a Fat-Burning Machine

Ginger Root (550 mg): promotes digestive health. Ginger is a vasodilator, an agent that widens blood vessels, causing heat to rise in the body and speeding metabolism by as much as 20%.

Garlic (the only one I don't yet take): One study in Germany found that volunteers who took garlic powder tablets metabolized fat 35% more effectively than those who took a placebo.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i completely understand what you are going through. i am going trhough the same thing. reading what you write its like you are writing what i think/do.