Tuesday, July 31, 2007

126.

Strong, but still gone.
Return date anticipated, but as yet unknown.

All my love, XOXO ~~Ana~~

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

To all the 'experts' who say, "Don't skip meals if you wanna lose weight,": FUCK YOU. I've been eating a healthy breakfast every day for a week. I've been watching my calories and keeping portion sizes small for three days.

And all three days, I'm STILL 126 lbs. What the hell??!!?? Fuck this shit. Fuck the experts. Today is a fasting day. Liquid only!

I'm just SO fucking depressed. Now, only 10 days to reach 120 lbs by August 3rd.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Ok, so maybe four days of binging last week got my metabolism revving again. But sadly it has also caused me to be uncontrollable when it comes to eating. :::sigh:::

Yesterday, I took in 1015 calories.
Today, I took in 795 calories.
Following this pattern, tomorrow I will attempt to take in only 605 calories...
...and so forth until I get myself down to 122. Then I can have a ONE-DAY sushi treat, then back to the severe restricting (and even more juice fasting if things get dire) so that I can meet my goal of being 120 lbs by August 3rd.

The one good thing about consuming all these calories is that I'm keeping my metabolism running, and I've been getting some good HARD cardio workouts in at the gym. Tonight I hauled ass for a good 2 1/2 hours, and burned 1385 calories. Hooray! And that's even ON TOP OF the 30-45 minutes I spent cranking out some freeweights work on my arms while watching Babel in the freezing cold basement this morning, and fidgeting all through Wedding Crashers this afternoon.

Maybe HOPEFULLY I can be down to 125 tomorrow. I still think 124 is just too much to hope for at this point. :-/

Tomorrow's 605 calories will be: oatmeal for breakfast (a new Weight Control kind with SEVEN friggin grams of fiber! Geez - if that doesn't make things move...)(160 cals + 40 for the ff milk), a Venti Starbucks (160 cals) following a kick-ass morning workout... And as long as I'm 125 when I wake up and get a killer good workout at the gym, the afternoon will be filled with lots of pre-planned FRUIT: 1 cup of frozen berries (65 cals), 3 small plums (90 cals), and a banana (90 cals).

Hopefully that will be enough to keep me distracted all day. The plan is somewhat formulated around the fact that I've finally given in to "Sa"s pleas for help. She has a shift at (where else?) Starbucks until 4 pm. So I'm going to try DESPERATELY to drag my ass out of bed and into the gym by 10 am (giving myself 3 hours to pump out all the cardio I can), then come home, clean up, and meet her there (and consequently get my Starbucks reward) at the end of her shift. Then I'll follow her out to her house to get crackin' on the packin'.

That means an early bedtime tonight. I felt like I got a lot accomplished today. Let's hope it pays off on the scale in the morning.
DAMN THE DONUTS!!! FUCK ME! DAMN THE FUCKING DONUTS!!!

Yesterday, I messed up AGAIN! Why the fuck am I SO WEAK?????

I was doing great. Had planned to have only oatmeal for breakfast and a banana for lunch. Would have been a sub-500 day. Went out to get my oil changed and do some food shopping. DAMN FOOD SHOPPING!!! Apple fritters were only 45 cents each, and my wallet said yes. My ana said, "You've done well today, and you still have time to go exercise it off. Go for it!"

Well, I don't know what the hell ana was thinking, or what the hell I was thinking. I had TWO apple fritters. I'm changing the old adage: "A moment on the lips... an HOUR AND A HALF ON THE FUCKING TREADMILL!!!"

Well, all-told yesterday I consumed 1015 calories, including breakfast, coffee, and the donuts. So when I got to the gym at 5:30, I knew I could get it all off and then some if I worked really hard at intervals for the next three hours. And I did. By the time I got to 1200 calories, I was satisfied that the donuts were safely "purged", so I finished up with a total of 1245 calories burned, plus 200 crunches.

Even on the drive home, something still didn't feel fair. I'm scared. I think - "For the sins of your weakness today, tomorrow ought to be another strictly ZERO calorie day!!!" But that thought makes me depressed, so then I made a promise to myself:
- If you're 126 in the morning, breakfast of oatmeal only.
- If you're 125 in the morning, breakfast of oatmeal and one fruit for lunch.
- If you're 124 in the morning... we'll think about doing this again.

And this morning, I was actually thinking I might be 124. What the fuck? Am I delusional???? I only BARELY burned off everything I'd eaten all day. What the fuck made me think I was going to lose MORE weight?

...

:::sigh:::

...

This morning, I was upset and a little shocked to be 126 again. Ok, ok.... so yesterday was more like 126.5 and today's a little more like 125.5... but it's still 126!!! Damnit!!!

I think I'm mostly upset by how much that means I have to restrict today. My worst fear is that I'm so mad at myself that I will rebel against the restriction and "try to kill myself" by going on another crazy 12-donut binge... that would really suck. My calorie-counts can NOT afford another crazy donut binge this week. I am COMPLETELY out of control.

So I've just had my oatmeal breakfast, and all my vitamins (now including the cinnamon pills too - hope that works to kill the cinnamon cravings!). I decided to jump start my heart by taking a brisk walk down to the corner store for some fake-a-ccino. I had to do SOMETHING to get the blood pumping, since my first priority this morning is to sit down and watch the two movies I have that are due back to the rental store by tomorrow.

Since the house is empty this morning, I'm going to take my dvd's downstairs to the cold cold basement to watch in just some shorty shorts and a thin tank top, plus my exercise ball and some freeweights. If I can keep moving while I'm watching the movies, and trying to stay warm in the basement, I can burn off this coffee I've just had and keep my metabolism motor running.

Then the plan for the rest of the day is to have LIQUIDS ONLY and to keep them as low-cal as possible. Probably just one fruit juice (140 cals), flavored waters, electrolyte-water, and coke zeros (all 0-cals). That will keep my intake down to 600 cals, and if I can burn another 1200 at the gym tonight, maybe HOPEFULLY I'll be down to 125 by tomorrow.

I feel bad that I've been avoiding my friend "Sa" just when she needs me most. She's leaving town one week from Wednesday, and she feels like I'm the only one who can help her pack. But I know that EVERY time I go out with her I end up eating something. I'm trying desperately to get down to at least 124 before I take her calls and go over to help her. It's such a helpless feeling... choosing between selfish desires and helping friends. This is what being anorexic does to you.

...............................................

P.S. I'm happy to report that of the FIVE vitamins/supplements that I know to be established metabolism helpers, I am taking four on a daily basis! These pills are SOOOO easy to get at any general drugstore, and they're even cheaper at Walmart. Add them to a diet of metab-boosting foods like grapefruit, whole grains, green tea, and protein (Fifteen Foods that Fire Up Your Metabolism) and you've got a real recipe for success! I highly suggest you try adding one or all of these to your daily regimen!

Cayenne Fruit (40,000 STU): nutritionally supports healthy metabolism. You know how they say that chile peppers and hot salsas add "heat" to your metabolism? It's true! Capsaicin, the active ingredient in Cayenne (Greek for "to bite" describing it's sharp, peppery taste), is responsible for cayenne's heat. The Chile Way to Burn Fat and Boost Metabolism

Omega-3 Fish Oil (1,000 mg): naturally contains the omega-3 fatty acids that help maintain heart and vascular health, and may reduce the risk of coronary heart disease by altering levels of a hormone called leptin in your body. Several recent studies suggest that leptin directly influences your metabolism, determining whether you burn calories or store them as fat.

Researchers at the University of Wisconsin found that mice with low leptin levels have faster metabolisms and are able to burn fat more quickly than animals with higher leptin levels. French researchers found that men who replaced 6 grams of fat in their diets with 6 grams of fish oil were able to boost their metabolisms and lose an average of 2 pounds in just 12 weeks.

Cinnamon (500 mg): helps support sugar metabolism! Recently released research from the USDA showed that cinnamon increased sugar metabolism by 20 times!!! (Take THAT you damned donuts!!!) How to Become a Fat-Burning Machine

Ginger Root (550 mg): promotes digestive health. Ginger is a vasodilator, an agent that widens blood vessels, causing heat to rise in the body and speeding metabolism by as much as 20%.

Garlic (the only one I don't yet take): One study in Germany found that volunteers who took garlic powder tablets metabolized fat 35% more effectively than those who took a placebo.

Monday, July 23, 2007

+++12 days left to lose 6 more pounds.+++

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." -- James 4:10

Yesterday I consumed 0 calories!!! That's right! ZERO!!!! I had one flavored water, one liter water with electrolyte-infuser, and 2 cans of coke zero. I did two hours of intervals cardio, and a half-hour of weightlifting, including 200 crunches. Today I am down 3 pounds to 126. God is so good!

Plan for today:
- Run all the errands I missed yesterday.
- Already had my oatmeal breakfast; only a banana in the afternoon left on the menu, plus one Venti Starbucks, one serving of fruit juice, and otherwise, zero calorie drinks. Praise the Lord.
- Another good hard cardio workout tonight!
- Spend some time with the Lord in prayer today. I hope to be 125 by tomorrow morning, and a new low of 124 on Wednesday. If I can be at least by 124 or even 123 by Thursday, I'll maybe take my friend "Sa" out to eat sushi, as she is moving out of town in about a week and she wants my assistance to help her pack.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had a comment on the last post that I would like to address:

- No, being that you're a guy is not "creepy." I think it's unique!! :) God loves all His children equally, and as His daughter, striving to be more like Him every day, so do I. Welcome to the blog, I'm glad you like it, I hope you'll subscribe, and I hope to see your own someday. My own eating disorder depends on the thinspiration of others. ;)

- Yes, I too am sad about the box of Walmart donuts. :*( I was sad about the weight gain, but I was more sad about the utter loss of control. THAT'S DEPRESSING. Yes, praise the Lord that I didn't gain too much weight. And praise Him again that it only took me one day to get it back off and get back on track.

- Yes, I also have "cheat days." I find them absolutely NECESSARY to be able to have something to look forward to so you don't cheat every day. I used to have Monday's as my cheat days, but now I'm in a lifestyle where my schedule is extremely random, so I try to schedule my cheat days on days when I know I'll be able to handle it properly. Obviously (re: the walmart incident) sometimes my cheat days determine themselves.

- Purging: I can't do it. I sometimes wish I could. When I binge, I find myself trying to binge enough that my stomach hurts so bad that my body will reject the massive volume of food and I'll just natually throw it up. But there's just something in me that repulses me; I admire someone like you if you find it "fun." You probably lose a lot more calories that way. I've tried the two-finger gag, but it makes me more depressed than I would be to gain weight. Besides, it comes with too many telltale signs - I'm always deathly afraid of being caught at my eating disorder and being sent for "help."

Personally, after a binge, I tend to do marathon cardio workouts. Guess that makes me an "exercise bulimic." Whereas throwing up makes me feel green in the gills, working out is supposed to be a natural way of processing consumed calories, and a good hard sweat leaves me feeling more flushed out and helps me sleep better at night. Not trying to persuade you to switch necessarily - whatever floats your own boat. Just letting you know my story. ;)

Sunday, July 22, 2007

New thinspiration!!!!! The arrival of X!

I just found out that my very hot friend "X" from the last ship I was on has been cast in a production of West Side Story, and will be touring here in my hometown in August and September!

I am DYING for him to see me and I want him to have a shocked look on his face and say, "DAMN! You have lost some serious weight!!!"

I want to be dramatically thinner by the time he arrives, which is only a week and a half away! It's going to require a lot of hard work...

I've already lost seventeen pounds since he saw me last on the ship. Can I lose five or ten more by the time he gets here???

HOORAY FOR NEW THINSPIRATION!!!!!
My life and my brain are completely out-of-whack. I can't keep my thoughts straight for more than an hour at a time. My mood swings violently every fifteen minutes or so. It's making me crazy.

But there's one thing I can see on the scale every morning: God is still with me. He doesn't want me to be this out-of-control. He is blessing me, encouraging me to come back to the straight and narrow path.

Fasting gave me mental clarity. These past four days, I have mercilessly filled my body with uncountable amounts of pure junk, in fits of sheer recklessness. By letting my impulses to eat get out of control, it's causing my mind and my thoughts to go out of control. It's time to bring it all to a HUGE STOP!!! Time to get back to God, back to fasting, back to clarity, back to reason, back to sensibility... and back down away from the perilous edge of 130.

For all the SHIT I've been putting in my system over the last four days, I truly ought to be 146 pounds again. On Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday, I binged on sushi, cake, a huge diner greasy burger and fries, more cake, ice cream, fruit smoothies, cinnamon almonds, and donuts, donuts, donuts. It seems I could not get enough cinnamon in my life - I crave it, unquenchably.

In four days, I have put well over 10,000 calories in my body. This is 1000 calories per day MORE than an average, NORMAL female of my size and height should do.

So this morning, I expected to wake up and be no less than 130 pounds. Yet miraculously, I am only 129. In four days, I have not even binged myself back into the digits starting with 13-. In four days, I have gained four pounds. GOD IS GOOD.

So the fast I am starting today is for MANY reasons:
-- To thank God for His mercy and blessings. I do not deserve such goodness.
-- To return to a state of mental clarity, where my thoughts are streamlined and flowing.
-- To stay out of that dangerous 130 range.
-- To regain control over my habits and reckless impulses.
-- To stabilize and flush out the toxins in my body.
-- Basically, to get BACK ON TRACK.

I am calling this fast a "return to clarity." I feel that if I can regain control over my mind and my body, and realign myself with God's Will, then I can finally return to consistenly LOSING weight, and bring my temple down to a weight of 110 pounds. After that, I will allow myself to bounce around between 110 and 120 for a little while before moving on to the ultimate goal of 98 pounds.

~~God, please help me to stick to this declaration. Help me dedicate control over my life and my body and my mind to YOU.~~

I will begin this fast with one day (today) of zero calories intake. I will also go to the gym and get a HUGE cardio blast for 1 - because I haven't been to the gym in almost five days, and for 2 - to get back into the swing of it.

For the next 2 to 4 days after, I will take breakfast in the morning of oatmeal with fat-free milk (200 calories), and one piece of fruit in the afternoon (less than 100 calories). Other than that, I will try to stick to only ONE coffee (160 to 275 calories), one fruit juice (110 to 220 calories), and else water, flavored water, tea, or coke zero (all zero calories). This is a total of less than 800 calories per day, only less than 300 in solid food.

I am convinced that the oatmeal for breakfast is one thing that it helping to stabilize my metabolism and my weight, something I had lost control of just before this week began. I was unable to get my heart rate up after having fasted for only a few days, and the weakness was killing me, maybe literally.

I will also continue my morning vitamin regimen. When I was consistently fasting, I had stopped the vitamins because if I take them on an empty stomach, my body almost always rejects them; I throw them up and that's not only wasteful, it feels terrible. But if I take them with my morning oatmeal, things should stay down and soak in.

I am going to buy some cinnamon supplements today when I go food shopping. I hope this will curb those insatiable cravings for not only the cinnamon donuts and cinnamon almonds, but maybe also the cinnamon coffee. I know that cinnamon is supposed to boost metabolism, but in these forms it defeats the purpose!

...............................................................


Plan for today:
- Zero calories
- Get car oil changed
- Food shopping: non-fat yogurt to make fruit smoothies, lots of bottled water, electrolyte-infusers, cinnamon pills.
- At home, run laundry and mix fruit smoothies
- Workout: burn 1500-2000 calories in a HUGE cardio burn, and at least 200 Nautilus crunches

Plan for next week:
- Oatmeal breakfast with vitamins, fruit snack in afternoon
- cardio workouts as often as possible; burn at least 1200 each day
- try to come back down to 125 lbs by Wednesday

If I can achieve 125 by Wednesday, I will have ONE day of SENSIBLE eating (maybe sushi and one little treat, we'll see what my cravings demand), then begin another 3- to 5-day fast to try to get down to 122.

My next MAJOR cheat CANNOT come until 120. I think it's going to be a full pizza with ranch dipping sauce. NOT UNTIL 120. Donuts were supposed to be my reward for 122. That picture has been smashed to bits.

This senseless binging has gone on for too long. Time to RETURN TO CLARITY.

Friday, July 20, 2007

I'm having a really hard time, lately, just getting my thoughts organized.

I feel like every moment is out of order. I can't get my head together. Luckily, I'm not to the point where I'm missing appointments or losing track of time. But somewhere between the binge on Wednesday... was it Wednesday?

What day is today? Friday I think.

I am at a bookstore. Killing time before I am due at my gig tonight in the little joint right next door. I need to go change my clothes at about 6 pm so I can arrive at the gig on time. Of this much I am sure.

I just got a drink at a major chain restaurant and their website does not list the damn nutrition data!!!! Isn't this against the fucking law?!? How do I ALWAYS manage to find these restaurants!?!!!!????

Ok, I'm calming down.

Where was I??

I know I haven't slept well the past few nights. Just too much to do, too much to organize and get in place before I can go to bed before I have to start a new day. Gotta set out what outfits I'm going to wear. Gotta file all my receipts, balance my wallet, tally the day's calories. Did I spell "tally" right? Is it supposed to be with an "-ie" at the end?

I haven't been to workout in over 2 days. And that was just a quickie. Oh damnit. And I forgot to call my best friend on her BIRTHDAY that night. Way to go, dumbass.

I'm sipping an orange mango smoothie. Shouldn't have bought it; I've spent WAY too much money today. I cannot afford this! I hope it doesn't have too many calories. It tastes so damn good... it can't possibly be healthy.

I still haven't eaten my banana today either. It's sitting here beside me in my bag, slowly rotting. I bought it this morning at the gas station when I bought my 24 oz fake-a-ccino coffee. I'm just not hungry. Jesus, why should I be... I've eaten like a pig for the past two straight days.

I'm probably WAY over my 300 calorie limit today. I'm so pissed off because there's no way to know for sure!!! I don't know how many calories were in my morning coffee, or in the other large latte I had three hours ago, and I don't know how many are in this smoothie. DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But do the calories even really matter if it's all liquid? I did have my oatmeal breakfast this morning. And I had a (I KNOW THIS IS GROSS, but it always surprises me)... I had a natural bowel movement about an hour ago. Hell, if that's the oatmeal making things happen, I can be ok with eating oatmeal and a piece of fruit and all else liquids all day for the next WEEK at least!

But will that get me down to 122?

I did something very scary yesterday, and I'm still not sure what to make of it. Well.... let me start at the top of the day.

I knew I would be eating on Thursday, no matter what I weighed when I woke up (127), because I had a big audition that day.

Another random thought: lately I've been taking my vitamins at the top of the day, with breakfast (a weight control multi-vitamin, a calcium supplement, and an omega-3 fish oils supplement), as well as 1 cayenne pill before breakfast and 1 ginger after breakfast, and another before-and-after if I eat something else during the day.


So I woke up and ate my oatmeal. I had a venti Starbucks on the way into the city. I had a sushi lunch with a friend (3 rolls, miso soup, and a ginger salad). Then I went to my audition, feeling full but not necessarily fat.

The audition went well, and I started to head home. There were only four blocks between the studio and the train station. But I knew there were 3 Dunkin' Donuts and smoothie place along that route.

Something in my head wondered if I could get one cheap donut (cheap so I'm not going overboard on spending money I don't have) at each place, fully consuming it on the way so that each time I'd walk in I could look like it was the first place I'd gone to eat all day. So I wouldn't look like a ravenous pig. Which, I really was.

Thing is: I wasn't even hungry! It was just a challenge to myself. Before I got down to the street, I stopped in an empty corner of the stairwell and pulled a $10 bill out of my wallet, then buried the wallet deep in my bag. I would not spend more than this $10 on my binge. This would keep me from spending too much or eating too much.

First I stopped at the smoothie place. I got a 14 oz. papaya smoothie ($2.10) and chugged it crossing the street to the first DD. Tossed the empty cup into the bin on the corner and walked into the store.

They had free samples of the new pizza they offer there. Sausage. I had one. It was good, but not what I had come for. I bought a glazed coffee roll ($1.39... total: $5.49) and took it in a bag to go.

I stopped at the newsstand outside on the corner to get the newspaper I needed ($2.95... total: $6.44) and started tucking into the coffee roll. Two blocks away from the next DD, inside the train station.

Finished the coffee roll and disposed of the bag before crossing the next street. Inside the station, I had about six minutes before my train arrived. The line at DD was four people deep, and nothing inside the display case was really making my mouth water. Nothing with glazed cinnamon! Geez, a damn cinnamon twist would have been great.

But the bakery next door had no line, and probably fresher baked goods. Is it greek? I can't tell. A bun on the bottom shelf looks like maple with nuts. Close enough. How much? $2.65. I'll take one: to go. (Total... $9.09).

As I'm leaving, the ice cream shop has bananas on display and I can't resist. There is nothing but change in my pocket. How much for a banana? 68 cents. I give her 70 cents, take my banana and run to catch my train.

Once I found a two-seater in the corner, I stacked up my bags on the seat next to me and spread out my newspaper so no one would want to sit by me. And before the train even took off... before everyone was even boarded, I started jackhammering the maple-nut roll down my throat. I didn't even taste it. The train finally started to pull out of the station, and I finished the banana in about four bites. I set the peel into the bag, and crumpled them down as far as it would fold into itself.

It sat there on the seat beside me, smelling like the banana peel, for the rest of the ride home.

I had that weird sophisticated feel about me again. Like... I walk around knowing that people have seen me just SCARF down this abhorrently unhealthy meal/snack/whatever the hell you want to call it... and yet, I feel like a trim, fit woman. I don't feel like people who are looking at me know I have an eating disorder, and I've just fed it again. I feel like people are wishing that they had my apparently killer metabolism.

But I know a secret they don't. And that makes my little heart fly!

Driving the rest of the way home, I am scouring the exits for another DD. There's a Starbucks? Will that do? No... I've already had my limit of one Venti for the day, and I don't really want more coffee. I need a Krispy Kreme, or a gas station with cheap donuts...

There is a Walmart. Walmart's have bakeries. I pull over.

Getting closer... it's not a Super-Walmart. Therefore, probably no bakery. It's starting to rain.

-----And this is what scared me the most about the entire day:---
As I reached for my umbrella, I actually heard myself murmur out loud,

"Please, Lord, at least let them have SOMETHING with which I can kill myself.


...

...

...

But neither that, nor the rain, nor the fact that I only had 21 cents left of my self-imposed $10 limit, was enough to stop from going inside.
-----------------------------------------------------------------


Inside there was a Subway, but no bakery. I barely even gave Subway a thought. Not cheap enough, and not enough calories for the satiety. I would get full before I got close enough to a possible heart attack from calorie-overload. I still wanted donuts.

I wonder... if I could have been someone else looking at myself right then, what would I have seen? Surely my eyes must have been maniacal, as I was on a MISSION, and anyone who would have gotten in my path would have been mown down without a further thought.

Yet, I still have that light, sophisticated feel. I know I look beautiful -- I still have all my audition hair and makeup on. It looks out-of-place GORGEOUS anywhere else but the audition (where I just fit in).

The bakery aisle was mecca. Entemann's. Tastycakes. Little Debbies. Hostess.

Saints... all of them.

I did a quick but thorough scan of every item on the aisle, mentally rating each for their price, quantity of calories, density of calories per gram (for satiety), and desire of taste. I finally settled on a box of Tastycakes powdered donut gems ($2.49).

To put up an act of looking like I was shopping for my family's breakfast for tomorrow, I went one more aisle over and picked up a half-gallon of fat-free milk ($1.77). I rang myself through the self-checkout and got in my car. I pulled two napkins from the glove compartment, and placed one on each leg, to avoid falling powder from leaving tell-tale tracks on my black pants. I took a swig straight from the half-gallon, capped it tight, and placed it on the console under my elbow.

I opened the box of donuts like a fucking jewelry box. I think angels sang when I took a look at 1800 calories of death glowing from inside. I turned out the walmart bag and placed the open box beside me over the emergency brake within easy one-handed reach, started the car, and got back on the road.

And the rain began to POUR.

At that moment, without my knowing it, God began to intervene. But I didn't notice. I was too busy popping donuts in my mouth systematically. Bite off the top half, chew enough to avoid it sticking to the sides of your esophogus. Bite off another quarter, chew and swallow, then pop in the last quarter. Chew, swallow, lick your fingers, wipe them on the napkin, and shift gears if necessary. Take a swig from the half-gallon. Repeat.

Entering the tollway. I can leave the buffet exposed, as I only have to take a toll ticket from a machine. No one can see my suicide plot. But there's only 30 miles from here to the man in the toll booth beyond. I must eat faster. I must consume EVERYTHING before I reach the toll booth!!!

About halfway through the box, traffic slowed to a fucking standstill. I'm not even kidding. We literally moved 2 miles in about one hour. I've been through some bad traffic in this area, but NEVER like this. And I can't see what's ahead that's keeping us.

I move the napkins from my lap to cover the conspicuous labels of the donut box and milk jug from the prying eyes of neighboring drivers. If anyone sees my suicide-in-progress, they might try to stop me. I can't let that happen.

But my stomach is beginning to ache unbearably... and I'm only halfway through the death feast! I'm actually thanking God for the relentless traffic. More time to let things settle so I can finish this all before the toll booth. The rain stops, and the clouds begin to dissipate. God is smiling now that I've stopped eating.

But my watch still shows 6:30. ~~Lord, let the traffic linger. I still have an hour and a half to finish.~~

.....

7:55 pm. And yes, I am STILL in traffic.

But because I'm not moving, things are not settling in my stomach. But things are stirring in my mind too. Over the past ninety minutes, I've had a lot of time to think about what's happening right now. There is no way I'm going to be able to finish that box before 8:00. And there is no way I'm going to make it home in time to get to the gym before it closes.

Oh God.... what have I done???


And remember what I said before... when you call on Him, He shows up.

New plots start running through my head:

-- Plot #1: Work on the rest of the feast slowly for the remainder of the night until it's all gone, even if you stay up til midnight doing it. I HATE wasting stuff. I have an extra bag that I can hide it in to get it upstairs if the roommates are home when I get there.

-- Plot #2: There is a homeless man who sits outside the cafe down the street just before I get home. At 8:00, commit to ending this feast. Drive by and give the remaining leftovers to him.

I convince myself that Plot #2 is from God. And traffic finally begins to move at a normal speed... further proof that Plot #2 is the way to go. My new mission begins...


/////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Shit. It's 6 pm. I can't type fast enough...

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

There is GOOD news and there is BAD news:

The good news is: I had a PHENOMENAL amount of energy today at the gym! Not only did I get my heart rate up (at fucking LAST), but I was able to go 10% harder than usual!!

The bad news is: I had no choice but to eat out with my friend today. A burger and fries was what was fueling me at the gym. And because I was out so long, and I have to be home early tonight to prepare for tomorrow's big audition, I only got to spend an hour and a half on cardio and fifteen minutes punching out 200 crunches on the Nautilus and Core weighted machines.

The good news is: I burned 840 calories in nearly 8 miles at the gym. The bad news is: I definitely ate WAY more than that at the diner this afternoon.

The good news is: I now feel quite re-energized and alive for my big audition tomorrow. The bad news is: I also feel like a fat fucking cow, and I'm going to feel even more so when I wake up to being 130 again and I STILL have to eat breakfast and a light lunch before the audition.

The good news is: As soon as I get home tomorrow night, promptly at 8 pm, I will have all the enthusiasm in the world to begin a new marathon fast!!!

I'm thinking about something SJ wrote in her note (Kudos to you, my brave girl!!!!) - maybe if I commit to a small, healthy breakfast every morning (maybe 300 calories or so, like oatmeal and a banana) and THEN my juice and/or coffee (no more than 300 calories) for the remainder of the day, it will be enough to get my metabolism motor started first thing in the morning, curb the evening cravings, and then I can will it to keep my heart rate up throughout my workout until bedtime again.

More good news: another film audition on Friday afternoon and a quick gig Friday evening are going to be great distractions from eating on the first day of my new fast. (I'm going to call it "Restricting to 122." And it's going to last for as long as it takes until I'm down to that weight!) The bad news is: the way the audition and gig are timed will leave no opportunity to go to the gym or even out for a hike that day. :-p

Ecclesiastes 7:14
"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other."

:::sigh:::

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Good news: will have eaten 665 calories by the end of today (315 liquid, 350 food), and went for a leisurely but lovely 4.3 mile hike on a marvelous evening tonight. After my shower, even with wet hair, I'm already down to 126.

Looks like food was what my metabolism was crying for. Just a tiny bit of food to get the home fires burning again. Hopefully I'll be 125 after my hair dries, and maybe (oh, please Lord, PLEASE!!!) 124 or even 123 after an eight-hour sleep and a morning pee??????????? Is it too much to hope for???

The hike was still tough. If the sounds of my innards is any indication, I think most of my energy is being spent on digestion.

Tomorrow I'll have to be careful as well. I'm meeting a friend in the morning at 9 am, and I may be with her through lunchtime. So more than likely, she'll invite me to eat something. We're supposed to be packing her things throughout the morning (she's moving the first week of August) so maybe I can stay pre-occupied with that long enough to (Oops!) miss lunch.

If I have to go to lunch, I MUST remember to keep my portions small and get a helluva workout tomorrow night. I want so DESPERATELY to be 122 by Thursday morning so that I can feel free to eat well for my big audition.

I went through all my clothes tonight looking for that perfect combination for the audition. WOW!!! My standby black dress pants are nearly falling off my hips! This is a good thing, but it's just too bad I can't wear them to the audition because they are really THAT baggy, they look bad (but it feels so GOOD!).

And my ass looks AWESOME in my black dance pants! I think I'm going to wear those with a cream-colored halter which nicely shows off my newly protruding shoulder bones and trim guns, and is loose enough I can give them a flash of my whittled waist if they need it.

For the singing audition, I think I'd like to wear my cream-colored 4-inch heels, just to give me that extra height I need. But I've got a black dress that looks better than my cream dress, so I'm torn. My black heels are desperately old and manky, and don't offer the same lift as my cream heels. :::sigh::: Choices.

Maybe I can convince my friend to go shoe-shopping with me tomorrow instead of out to lunch! I'll just only take enough money to buy shoes, and then I (oops!) won't have enough money to buy lunch! Hooray! (I think I'm so clever...)
Something's wrong. I think after a week and a half of liquid fasting, I think my metabolism has not only slowed down, but it has come to a screeching halt and been thrown into reverse. Today I am UP a pound to 127.

What the hell is going on? I can't get my heart rate up, and I don't have the energy to try anyhow. I'm consuming less than 300 calories per day of pure liquid, mainly juice, and somehow I'm GAINING weight??

This is not permissible. So this morning, I am beginning to eat again. God help me, I don't want to. I put a bowl of oatmeal with fat-free milk (190 calories) in the microwave. Luckily, about half of it spilled out of the bowl during the warming process, so that's half of it I didn't ingest. (I'm still counting it as about 115 calories.)

I feel MUCH re-energized having gotten some fiber in me and some fuel. I'm doing laundry this morning while the machines are available and working up some computer paperwork. I can't go to the gym til the laundry is done because I'm all out of workout clothes. (It's ok, the gym's open til 10 pm.)

I think I'll head across the street and get a cheap coffee this morning. Also have plans to eat one more banana this afternoon, maybe treat myself to a Venti starbucks later if I earn it at the gym.

I've got to do SOMETHING to get my metabolism running again. Gaining weight when I'm eating so little that I can hardly MOVE is ridiculous. It's stupid.

God, I hate this disease.

Monday, July 16, 2007

A glitch: The "fast to reach 122" is no longer open-ended. I have a MAJOR audition on Thursday, for which I'm going to have to eat for some energy. There's no way I can muscle my way thru this audition after five days of 300-liquid-calories fasting.

~~Please PLEASE, Lord, let me have reached 122 by Thursday morning so that I won't feel guilty about eating that day.~~

That's four pounds, 2 days, and 14 hours away.

~~Lord, grant me higher strength and endurance at the gym.~~

Today I muddled through 1009 calories and a little over 10 miles at the gym. But it's starting to feel like I'm cheating, like I can't get my heart rate up to save my life. I'm beginning to wonder how much the machines exaggerate on those calorie-counts??? Does "slow and steady" really win the race?

122 by Thursday morning....
122 by Thursday morning....
122 by Thursday morning....

Six hours left of tonight, and no calories left to consume. What to do? What to do? Roommates are downstairs cooking up something that smells mighty yummy. Was thinking about eating about an hour ago, but I'm pushing through that now.

Stay home, rest up and watch a movie? Probably won't burn ANY more calories. Go out to the bookstore and try to outwit the temptation of coffee? Might burn a few more, but after three days without coffee I don't think I could hold myself back, seriously.

Jeez, I wish the gym wasn't so boring. Maybe that's why I can't get my heart rate up: the thrill is gone. :::sigh:::
This morning: down another pound to 126. Praise the Lord.

I dug into my bible last night and found renewed strength for the remainder of the journey. Together, the Lord and I are going to be strong until I am down to 122, no matter how many days it takes. So this is no longer just a "4-day fast." This is a fast to "call on the strength of the Lord."

Currently at 126, I am four pounds away from my goal. I'm not saying it's impossible to lose four pounds in the next 45 hours, because nothing is impossible through Christ who gives me strength, but when He and I seriously sit down and discuss, it looks highly unlikely that this fast will last any less than 3 more days, at least. And now I'm ok with that.

I am going to take in no more than 300 calories of liquid (and if need be, fruit) each day until I have worked myself down to 122 pounds. After that, I'm going to try to work myself back into eating habits, at least every other day, until I have maintained/hovered around 122-125 for one week before I try another multi-day fast.

For today, I'm feeling much rested and restored. I've started on my morning smoothie, and I'm hoping it will carry me through at least three hours at the gym today, before I come home and have another night of rest and reading.

God is good.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

I think the reason I’ve lasted so long on this crazy “plan” to get down to under 100 pounds is that I’ve kept an eagle-eye on my daily tallies, intakes, outputs, and how it affects my weight, and also how I feel each day. I don’t deny myself what I crave, I just save it for an accomplished goal, a special celebratory occasion. And most importantly, I am CONSTANTLY updating and readjusting the “plan” according to goals I have and haven’t met so far, using factors that have and haven’t worked for me.

It occurred to me today that: Of course the weight loss is getting harder at this point. Today, I weigh lighter than I have in almost a DECADE. The fat I’m trying to burn off now has been there for a VERY long time, and is going to be that much tougher to remove.

Today’s intake: 300 calories (1 ½ cups juice, 1 banana).
***Note: I know I wanted to do liquids only, but I’m proud that this is the same amount of calories, only it’s healthy stuff instead of junk calories.
Plan for tomorrow’s intake: 300 calories (1 berry boost smoothie, and 1 cup fat-free milk).
***Note: Again, attempting to go healthy and quit the damn coffee.
Plan for Tuesday’s intake: 300 calories (1 cup juice, 1 Venti Starbucks).
***Note: Ok, so quitting coffee is going to take some TIME.
Total intake for the 4-day fast: 1514 calories.
Calories burned at the gym in the first 2 days: 3041.

Theoretically, if I can try to burn between 1000-1500 calories at the gym each day for the next 2 days, my goal to be 122 by Wednesday might still be achievable.

~~Please, Lord, let me get to 122 by Wednesday. All this madness is driving me crazy – literally. Just let me get there as soon as possible, and then I’ll stop for a little while, I promise.~~

I am thinking that I need to stop and hold on to a certain weight for a little while. After all, 122 is exactly halfway between my starting weight of 146, and my ultimate goal weight of 98. That’s really something to celebrate. I need to stop and try to eat, at least a little bit, for a few days in a row, and attempt to maintain a steady weight, to give my metabolism a chance to stabilize and catch up before embarking on the harder half of the journey to the goal.

Once I reach 122, I will have my cheat day. Then I’ll have to adjust my eating/working out schedules on a day-by-day basis to attempt to maintain that weight, somewhere between 122 and 125, for about one week. I don’t want to give up liquid fasting completely though. It’s been good for my body and my mind. Maybe I’ll finally try that 5-6-7-8 plan I came up with last week. That allows me to liquid-fast for one day between each eating day. And the eating days will require me to eat all HEALTHY food, no junk calories.

But…. :::sigh::: all in good time. For now, for tonight, I feel a little more restored after having a shower and laying down for a few hours to watch a movie. I was thinking about going out to the bookstore for a late-night coffee, but I'm just feeling too relaxed now to want to go out anywhere.

For the rest of the night I’m just gonna kick my heels up and take it easy. Halfway through the 4-day fast. Through the easy part, the hardest part is yet to come.

I HAVE to be strong. When I think of the possibility of being 123 on Wednesday and prolonging the fast for one more day to reach 122 by Thursday, I want to scream. I love fasting, but it does grow a little weary. I want those damn donuts!! ;)

~~Lord, grant me wisdom to remember to call on Your strength, and not to rely on my own. Grant me patience and perseverance to withstand this test. Grant me courage to praise You at all times, in strong victories and weak moments. Be with me at every second, and please, PLEASE let me be 122 by Wednesday.~~
Further disappointment. I only got about 10 and a 1/2 miles at the gym (and 150 Nautical crunches) before my body gave up on me. I only burned 1119 calories (was aiming for 2000).

Maybe because of this morning's saltwater flush.
Maybe because I only got six hours of sleep, and I'm SO not a morning-workout person.
Maybe because all the calories I put in my body a few days ago were JUNK instead of helpful.

Whatever the case, my body is drained, and I couldn't force myself any further at the gym.

I'm home now. I'm gonna take a shower and not bother with doing hair or makeup. I haven't decided yet whether I deserve my coffee or not. So far, I've taken in 210 calories of nothing but pom/cran juice. The coffee would be another 160. We'll see.

Other things to fill up my evening: watch a movie, do some reading and journaling, do my bible study (and find a name/mantra for this 4-day fast), head out to the coffeeshop/bookstore to get out of the house, do some more laundry.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.
Very disappointed. This morning only back down to 127. :::sigh:::

I knew yesterday's workout, great as it was, would not undo all the damage. I also admit, I foolishly gave in to over 300 calories (albeit liquid) after 9 pm, most of which had no chance to burn off before bedtime. Top that with only six hours of sleep, and I guess I'm LUCKY to have lost a pound at all.

Here's the outlook: I was hoping to be down to 122 by Wednesday. Today is already day 2 of the fast, and so probably my last chance at getting in a good hard workout. Tomorrow I'll most likely be wiped out from the lack of intake calories, and rightly so. I'll be lucky to have the energy to get up and get myself to Starbucks and/or the bookstore. Hopefully possibly I can convince myself to take a stroll around the neighborhood. And day 4, I have pretty much discounted having any energy to leave the house at all.

But who knows? Maybe the Lord will come through and provide me with enough stamina to get to the gym all four days, even if it's just for 1000-calorie burn the last few days. Even STILL, will that be enough to get myself down to 122 pounds by Wednesday???

My good senses tell me: no. So now the question becomes: what do I do on Wednesday if I have NOT reached my goal of 122? Have one day of sensible eating (sushi) followed by another 3- or 4-day fast? Or just stretch this fast for a few more days??

At this point, I'm feeling like I'll be able to stretch my 4-day fast for a few more days with a few changes to the intake plan. I have just come to the end of my first two juice bottles: the Pomegranate/Cranberry and Grapefruit, so it's time to buy more. And now my body is to a point where I can comfortably take in only one serving of juice and one Venti Starbucks on a given liquid-fast day, workout or not, and be able to manage comfortably on those 400 calories.

I have a whole bunch of frozen fruit in the freezer, uneaten from last Friday's planned binge, which needs to be consumed before it goes bad. (I absolutely detest wasting food.) And the Berry Blast smoothie that I've fallen in love with is just a little too expensive to become a daily habit along with my Starbucks habit just yet. ($2.58 smoothie + $4.51 starbucks = $7.09 DAILY habit for just 380 calories? For seven bucks a day, I might as well EAT.)

If I can purchase a $1 can of frozen juice concentrate and a $2 container of non-fat frozen yogurt, I could blend them with the frozen berries and bananas and create my own fresh blended daily smoothie for significantly cheaper, and still keep the calorie-count down.

So this is the plan over the next few days: workout as much as my body deems possible, do some research on juice and yogurt, and experiment with creating my own fruit smoothie.

Still aiming to be 122 by Wednesday. If it doesn't happen, I will reassess and decide what to do on that very morning. Right now it's looking like I'll just attempt to extend the fast by a few days until I DO reach 122. And of course, all of this could easily be completely disrupted by something as simple as that film I'm booked for finally deciding to shoot, or some other unexpected change in my schedule.

127 today. 3 days left to drop 5 pounds. Seems unlikely. Saltwater flush this morning, followed by a long haul at the gym and CAREFULLY restrictive eating for the next three days - even if it means becoming anti-social to avoid temptations like what I went through last night.

Next Sunday would have been day 34 of the "great 34-day fast." I wanted to be 120 by then. It's still only 7 days and 7 pounds away. Think I can still do it???
Once again, I'm home way too late to bother to elaborate much. Here goes:

Great workout day today. Burned 1922 calories at the gym in a 4-hour marathon, plus 100 crunches with 50-lbs resistance on the Nautilus.

Was doing GREAT with intake. Had a grapefruit juice (140 cals) for energy on the way to the gym. Had my Venti Starbucks (160 cals) on the way home as a recovery treat. Even danced around a bit at church, and never stopped shaking my legs and feet during the sermon, hopefully burned a bit more. Was feeling FABULOUS!

But a friend asked me out after church and I obliged. Luckily, we went to a coffeehouse where I was able to have liquids only. Got a non-fat cinnamon steamer (SUPER-YUM! but 170 calories), and later I could not politely turn down a fruit smoothie sent to my table (154 calories).

Total intake for the day: 614.
Total output for the day: 1922+.

Still doesn't kill all the damage I did yesterday, so gonna start out tomorrow morning with a good saltwater flush while doing laundry, and catching up on computer paperwork, followed by a long hard romp at the gym (aiming for 2000 calories... if I could have stayed any longer at the gym today, I would have made it.)

P.S. My friend hadn't seen me in about 8 days, and commented that "You've lost more weight!" which set off some alarm bells. I was able to coerce her that it was just an illusion of the shirt I was wearing, and then I managed to change the subject. But secretly, the compliment felt good. Truth be told, I was 129 last time I saw her, right before the Quiznos/pretzels binge, and 128 today after a 3-lb gain from yesterday's binge. So maybe all that work at the gym today really did manage to undo quite a bit of yesterday's damage.

Only tomorrow morning's scale knows for sure...........

Saturday, July 14, 2007

And the punishment for twelve hours of careless eating is: 3 pounds. This morning I am 128 again. :::sigh:::

Well, I'm not too upset or panicked yet; it could be worse. I did gain 6 pounds on one binge (Quizno's and pretzel sparklers; see the 7/6 blog). And again, since it was one day only, I know it's only temporary weight.

I will do a very long, hard workout today, probably have time to crank out at least 1500 calories, which is half of what I ate yesterday. And tomorrow I'll do a saltwater flush, since once again I haven't had a good shit in about a week. That oughta get rid of at least one more pound. Then the real work can begin.

I still haven't come up with a good mantra/title for this 4-day fast, which sort of bothers me. I'm going to continue reading for a bit for some thinspiration this morning before I head to the gym.

I must be 122 by Wednesday. With the Lord's strength and help, I know I can do it.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Keeping those all-important goals in mind...

I just realized... 122 lbs, my goal for Wednesday, is exactly HALFWAY between the weight I was when I left the ship (146 lbs) and my ultimate goal weight (98 lbs).

I left the ship on June 4th. In just five weeks, I have lost almost HALF of the weight I need to lose. The last half will be harder, and might probably take more than five weeks, but it's NOT out of reach!!!
God, I am really starting to HATE eating days... neccessary evil.

Today, praise the Lord! I woke up and I was 125 blessed pounds! I haven't been this light in over NINE YEARS. Praise the Lord for His strength and mercy and goodness!!!!

As a reward for my good behavior and accomplished short-term goal, from 8 am this morning until 8 pm tonight I allowed myself the privilege of eating just about anything I wanted. I did have a bit of a plan. I knew I'd have to start off slow, as I've been liquid-fasting for nearly a week straight.

So I started off with 2 cayenne pepper pills to get that metabolism kicking. Then I mixed up some instant oatmeal, Apple Crisp flavor, with 1/2 cup of fat-free milk for breakfast (total 190 calories). Haha! My roommates heard me making it in the kitchen!!! I have put off their sideways glances and averted their questions for another week or so...

It was so yum! But the cayenne pills were giving me acid reflux, so I had my ginger pill (to aid digestion) and started nibbling on a box of cinnamon almond toffees (10 cals apiece) to try to abate it a bit. I put a few extra almonds in a ziploc bag, packed my calorie-free flavored water, and set off on a hike to the downtown farmer's market for the fruit I've been craving all week!

(The plan I've been concocting for the last three days was to buy a pint each of strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, and raspberries, (and maybe some bananas), bring them home, freeze them, and then fondue up some almond bark to dip them in. I also wanted to whip up a bunch of oatmeal raisin cookies for my agent - who's been SO good to me since I got back - and maybe taste a few of them along the way, maybe dipping them in the almond bark too. ;)

A little more than a mile and a half to the market, and SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much temptation inside!!! Little pies and cakes and cookies and fresh-baked goodies, and breakfast foods and lunch pies and "healthy" wraps and sub sandwiches and ....oh! my my my!!!

Yes, I forgot to pray, and so I got a little carried away. I bought all my fruit (except I couldn't find any blackberries), but also got a little chicken/cheese wrap and a little oatmeal cookie pie (together, 890 calories) which I ate on the spot.

Halfway through the pie, I was already hating myself again. My stomach was screaming for mercy. I took a few sips off my water and started the long trek home, wondering if I was already done eating for the day --- at NOON -- and not having even touched the fruit or baked a single cookie from the plan.

So on the long walk home, I did a little talking with God. I figured out that there's no point in baking those cookies for my agent just yet, since they would only get stale over the weekend before I go to see her again early next week. And now I'm sort of regretting buying all this fruit, because my poor little stomach which has shrunk SO much (although my BRAIN has yet to figure that out) is telling me it will allow absolutely no more!!

When I got home, I'd walked 3.3 miles. That's a good 476 calories burned. I ate one of the bananas, just because they smelled SO friggin fresh and good! I love bananas, and I think it's a shame they're one of the highest-calorie fruits...

And I set about to washing, cutting up, and freezing my berries. While tooling around the kitchen, I started craving bread. (Nay - my BRAIN was craving bread, my stomach was just furious with me.) I was getting a bit more acid reflux, so I think I was craving the bread to soak it up.

.....NOTE: After doing a little reserach later tonight, I have come to the conclusion that this acid reflux thing is either a negative component of the cayenne pills (I may need to cut back to just one at a time), or the result of stirring up toxins that were in the middle of being cleaned out (that's what yesterday's misery was all about: I was in the midst of a 'cleansing crisis' to use the fasting term). Either way, I have learned for future break-the-fasts that this acid reflux thing is going to happen, and I will have to learn how to fight it without using food. Good lesson learned...........

While rooting around the fridge and freezer, I found a few things to make up a pita pizza (610 cals) with some of my roommates' ingredients that I hope they won't miss. It's a little bit thrilling to be stealing food too. Oh well, if my roommates call me on it, at least they can't say I don't eat. And I can pay them back if they're THAT bitter about it.

It was yummy too, and hit the spot, but left me feeling once again just BLUGGGHHHHHH with a full stomach. I went upstairs to watch a movie and lay it out.

But the pizza left me with half a can of chicken, and I just hate to waste stuff. I found some Easy Mac in the pantry and whipped up a quick bowl and added the chicken (just like a binge I had a few weeks ago, only a much smaller portion). 240 calories.

Ugh..... this is adding up. And every time my stomach finally settles to a point where I can SIT comfortably, I go for more food.

I watched another movie and those cookie ingredients were sitting on the corner of my desk staring at me the whole time! How rude! Well, I decided to whip up a batch of Oatmeal Chocolate Chip anyway, just a double dozen. (The ones for my agent will be Oatmeal Raisin.) And NO almond bark... that would just be TOO sweet. And I've already done plenty to kill my sweet cravings.

After just six cookies, I thought I was going to EXPLODE AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even kidding! I couldn't sit down, and I seriously thought I had just had gastric rupture. I started to get a serious cramp running up through the left side of my collarbone which I can only assume is some blood vessel or something with a clot of FAT in it... anyway, all this pain is my body telling me....

ENOUGH DAMNIT!!!!!


Ok, ok, chill. I get it. It's about 8 pm anyway. And 3000 calories later, I do thoroughly hate myself.

And THIS is how I've started the four-day fast to 122.

I need to find a reason for this fast, other than just a weight-loss goal. The first 3-day was in repentance for an unplanned binge. The second was to Praise God for not making me gain a single ounce on my one eating day, even though I had 2 donuts above and beyond the plan.

In other news, my new book finally came in the mail today: "Fasting Girls - the History of Anorexia Nervosa" by Joan Jacobs Brumberg. I've been waiting for it for a week and a half, so I'm glad to finally have it, especially since I just finished "Stick Figure" yesterday (good book!). It goes through a lot of the historically chronicled 'excuses' for fasting, from vanity to piety to honor. Everyone's always been anorexic "for a better cause" or a "higher calling."

Yeah... that's why I do it too.... :::sarcasm::: I just think red ribbon bracelets are pretty....

So I think for the rest of tonight I'm going to begin this book and use it to look for a good mantra/title for the next 4-day fast. Tomorrow, I'm going to try to drag my butt out of bed early to get to the gym for a good hard first day of the new liquid fast before church tomorrow night. I'm thinking the weekend should be pretty easy (these 3000 calories should last me a good long while!!!) and Sunday morning I might even do a saltwater flush to get out all the excess that exercise doesn't burn or that I've already digested.

Monday and Tuesday are a little too far out to predict, but there's still the fragile possibility of that film shoot happening. No auditions planned yet, but that could change at any second too. If days are empty, I'm going to try my best to get to the gym and not just mull around the house. If they're busy I'll be much happier, as the distractions keep me a) from being bored, b) burn calories, c) distracted from hunger.

The Lord is so good.


Become like the Lamb
By fighting like the Lion.
Nothing else matters.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

I have SO much to do, so much to say. But I am absolutely weak as a kitten right now. I can't believe I'm even sitting here typing.

Tomorrow I will finally break the 2nd consecutive 3-day fast. I know the food in my system is going to give me the energy to write a HUGE blog entry. So please tune in tomorrow for that.

For now, hear this:

Today's calories in: 290
Today's calories out: 510+

Three-day fast calories in: 1100
Three-day fast calories out: 1716 at the gym, + indidentals/metabolism

Pounds lost in the first 2 days: 2 lbs (current weight 126)
Hoping to have lost just ONE MORE POUND when I wake up tomorrow.

Whether or not I have reached 125 tomorrow, I'm planning to have 2 days of reasonable eating, then embarking on a serious 4-day liquid-fast again, to try to attain my first short-term goal of 122 lbs by Wednesday, the 18th. If I can do that, I get my cheat day of donuts, ice cream, and cookie dough. If not.... not.

But for now, I've only barely got the strength to get undressed and shove myself over into that bed. Will set my alarm for 8 AM and then....

~~Lord, Jesus, please PLEASE let me be 125 lbs tomorrow so that I won't feel so guilty about eating for the next two days. Please restore my energy so that I can fully devote myself to the 4-day fast and the goal at it's end. Praise You for all the strength You've graced me with for the past week with these two fasts. Your Name is worthy to be praised!~~

LOVE YA'LL TO THE BONES!!!!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

So MUCH to tell!

What a great day I had yesterday! It was the first day of my new 3-day fast, dedicated to praising and worshiping the Lord for the fact that I didn't gain even one pound on my day of eating!! I knew it was going to be a busy day, but I didn't realize how much I would get accomplished.

Monday's binge must not have been too bad, because I'm already feeling slightly hungry, getting that rumbly feeling every once in a while. It's SOOOOOO much easier to pray over it and make it go away rather than just screaming or punching myself in the stomach. It's far easier to love myself than to hate. ~~Thank you, Jesus, for this revelation.~~ And I'm already starting to "crave" (ie. PLAN) what I'm going to use to break this fast on Friday if I reach my desired goal of 125 pounds.

Today's plan was: 1 bottle of juice (130 cals), 1 Venti starbucks (160 cals), and whatever other juices I could find while out and about. On my way to Starbucks between auditions this afternoon, I passed a Whole Foods. I'm a sucker for this store, so I decided to drop in and see if they had a juice bar. Unfortunately, they didn't, but they did have loads of bottled stuff to choose from.

Well, as always, fruit juices are not only expensive in $$, they're expensive in calories. Still, I felt I had to buy at least SOMETHING before I left the store. I also killed some time by looking through EVERYTHING in the bakery. Wow... the coconut macaroons, the homemade organic raspberry newtons, the CINNAMON BUNS... they were all calling my name. But I prayed it all away! ~~Praise the Lord for the strength He grants me to overcome the temptations!!!~~

After looking through nearly every juice at about 4 kiosks throughout the store, I found only one thing that looked like it would satisfy my fruit craving and still balance out in healthy nutrients and calories. Bolthouse Farms Berry Boost Fruit Smoothie. I can pronounce all the ingredients, there's no added sugar or aspartame or corn syrup or something ending is "-ose", and it's only 220 calories for the entire bottle (which brings my daily tally up to 510).

And OH... MY... GOODNESS!!! It tasted SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD! I cannot even explain to you how much I loved this drink! Maybe because my body has been so desperately craving the fruits in it (strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries); maybe because it has EIGHT grams of fiber (very filling!); maybe because it wasn't sickeningly sweet or disgustingly unsweet, as so many "smoothies" turn out to be. But all of that for just 220 calories! I AM SOLD!!!

I'm so psyched about this stuff, that I'm seriously considering buying it in mass quantities instead of juice from now on. Except that it's a little more expensive... I may have to phase it in until the money starts rolling.

Anyway, so all my calories went in before 1 pm. After that, the day was just long and exhausting -- a lot of sitting, waiting, driving, and a quick little walking around gig at midnight. All told, probably didn't burn a whole heckuva lotta calories. But took in 510, and all early, so I'm feeling pretty good.

Between the second audition and the late-night gig, I started having cravings for what I'm going to break the fast with if I make it to 125 pounds by Friday. (And honestly, probably even if I DON'T quite make it to 125. ;)) I can't get over this desperate craving for fruit, so I'm going to the farmer's market to pick up a pint each of strawberries, blueberries, raspberries and blackberries, and maybe a few bananas. I also want to do something nice for my agent, since work's been so steady ever since I came home. So I'm going to make up a huge lot of oatmeal raisin cookies.

Now, I've learned from past dessert-making experiences that it's quite impossible for me to make that much good food and NOT taste-test too much along the way. So I figure if I plan to make these things on Friday, my eating day, I won't feel too guilty afterwards.

And the best part of the fruit and cookies is the white chocolate fondue dip I'll have simmering on the burner all day. ;)

Of course, all of this will be followed by another 3-day fast. I'm kind of getting used to this procedure, eating just about whatever I want (within reason, ie. somewhat healthy and less than 2000 calories) every fourth day. As long as I keep losing weight on this plan, it's something I could REALLY get used to. And the added benefit is that I use the 3-day stretches to reach for and grow spiritually closer to my Lord. What could be better?

"I must decrease, that He might increase." -- My new mantra!

...............................................................

One final note for this morning. I slept in for as long as I wanted, but my body woke me up early, anxious to jump on the scale, somehow so sure of KNOWING that I'm going to be lighter today. So at 9 am I got up, and sure enough, DOWN ONE POUND!!! Woohoo! PRAISE BE TO GOD!

Today I plan to take in only 380 calories, and to have a really good hard cardio workout at the gym. Then another late-night gig tonight.

Followed by sleeping in again tomorrow morning, and taking the day to do whatever I want. If I feel like I can get to the gym - great. But being the third day of the fast, I'm not going to push myself. Maybe just a little hike through Central Park again. Or just finding a quite place to read and journal.

But for the next 46 hours (until 8 am Friday morning) I'm going to PRAY, PRAY, PRAY to be 125 by then! To do so would mean that my original goal to reach 122 by next Wednesday (7 days from today) is actually a viable possibility!!! Which means I get to have my donuts/cookie dough/icecream cheat day!!! Of course, looking at the time frame, it might mean I'm gearing up for a 5-day liquid fast over the weekend til then, but I'm prepared for that possibility, and actually looking forward to the challenge!!

GOD IS GOOD!!!

Monday, July 9, 2007

Well, the grand scheme for this week has gone right out the window today.

Found out today that not only has my film shoot been postponed "til further notice" (meaning NOT this week), but also going to two film auditions instead of the big theatre audition I thought I'd be going to tomorrow. Gotta go where the money is.

And I ate two donuts today.

Ok, I'm not freaking out. It's ok. Here's how the day played out:

I woke up and broke the fast with a 90-cal soup. Had 2 cayenne pills before and a ginger pill after, but got some acid reflux from something in that combination a few hours later. Bananas were 35 cents at the gas station, and I knew a banana only has 90 calories, so I had just one to kill the reflux. It tasted SOOO good. I can tell my body loves having something HEALTHY and organic in it. So I'm still doing good.

Later this afternoon, had two cayenne pills and my well-deserved, long-awaited dose of sushi. All was going well, until they brought me that pretty little fortune cookie on top of the check. The fortune said, "Always shoot for the sky, because even if you don't hit the target, you'll still land among the stars."

It was right about then that it hit me: must have something sweet. And the fortune cookie only pushed me over the edge. One block away, the bakery beckoned with all its sweet aromas.

Something strange I noticed: maybe because I was still dressed in my business suit from my audition (which by the way, is fitting looser than ever, feels great!!!), but as I walked anywhere, I had a feeling of supreme control, grace, and smooth fluidity all afternoon. It was great. That sort of confidence makes me engage my core, walk taller, and subsequently turn heads. That's the feeling of being 128 lbs!!! Yay - thin feels beautiful!!!

I walked down to the bakery and perused the ENTIRE STORE. I looked at all the labels, at all the options, on every table, every shelf, trying to find exactly what it was I came here for. I decided that I did NOT come here to ruin the day (and the hard work of the fast) with a crazy binge. I just wanted ONE cookie. Granted, it should be a huge, thick, 300-calorie cookie, but only one cookie. My stomach was already beginning to protest being full from the sushi. Too much more would be bad in so many ways.

I found an apple/cinnamon crumb cake that was perfect. It was exactly what I wanted. But when I looked in my wallet, I only had $4 left, and this was $3.89, and I still needed to go to the post office. THANK GOD. As I was walking towards the register, praying that somehow the money would miraculously stretch, I passed the donuts case and the brilliant sign that said, "45 cents each."

DING!!! Like a light bulb over my head came the rationale. The entire crumb cake (yes, I intended to eat the entire thing in one sitting) would have been about 2000 calories. The donuts would be significantly less, plus they'd cost less, but they'd still take care of the craving.

Thank God! I got one glazed croissant, and one apple cruller. (Later I figured out that this cost me a mere 470 calories, a definite better option than the cake.) I ate them in the car on the way to the post office and was able to dispose of the evidence before I got home. Thank God, because my roommate turned out to be there. I'm so glad I didn't get the cake, because I would have been required to take it inside the house and get a fork. And when the cake disappeared all at once, I'd have some explaining to do. ~~Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the restraint to opt for the donuts!!!~~

It was right about then that I decided this week's grand scheme of a 5-6-7-8 week, as I had planned, was about to be postponed to another time. Tonight, I would start my next 3-day liquid fast right away. I went home, changed clothes for the gym, and got there by 5:45, planning to cardio the night away until they kicked me out at 10.

So, having only taken in 1900 calories today, and burning 1600 at the gym, I think I can safely say today comes out even. I'm certainly not holding my breath that the scale will agree tomorrow morning, but I hope that the next 3-day liquid fast will help to negate any gain, plus a little more. I am still desperately seeking to be 122 lbs by July 18th, and I know ~with God's strength~ I can do it!!

So tonight at 8 pm, in the midst of running on the treadmill, I said a little prayer. ~~Lord, here goes my next 3-day liquid fast. May it bring glory and honor to You, and may it make me fall to my lightest weight yet.~~

Unfortunately, Starbucks goes back IN the plan. But I am going to try desperately to limit myself to ONE Venti per day. The JUNK calories are killing me. I should rather have an extra 300 calories of JUICE or anything else other than coffee and milk and syrup, even if it IS sugar-free. Besides, my wallet is aching, and I have to save my kidneys for my mom. And there's so many cool juice combos out there I want to try! (Again, I think this is my body crying out for HEALTHY instead of EMPTY calories.)

Distractions in the next three days should be plentiful. Tomorrow (and this is part of what made it easy to opt for a fast instead of an 800-calorie day) is going to be SO busy that I won't even have time to go to the gym. My plan to eat 800 calories would have been spread over 8 small meals, and I'm simply not going to have the time or space to get all that done, even if I wanted to. A liquid-fast is going to be much easier to handle, especially being day one.

Wednesday is going to be a STELLAR day at the gym, as I will have had Tuesday off, I'll have the morning to sleep in, maybe do a saltwater flush, and I don't have any obligations til late at night. Thursday will be much the same, only without the late-night obligation (a good thing, because the end of the third day will be the hardest).

But most of all, I'm REALLY looking forward to this fast to see how much closer it will bring me to God. I was really very pleased with the clarity and strength I got from the last 3-day liquid fast, and with only one day of "normal" (read: less than 2000 calories) eating between this and the last one, hopefully it will be more of a continuance rather than an all-out new fast.

One more thing to note about today. I'm a huge fan of "Big Brother" on CBS, and the new season just started this weekend. There is one little girl named Daniele there, who appears to be anorexic! She's very very tiny and bony, really frail-looking (and you know the camera ADDS 10 pounds) and when her estranged father saw her for the first time in several years, he made a sad comment about how she looked, "...like you've lost a lot more weight," sort of implying that this is not necessarily a good thing. In the first food competition, her team lost and was assigned to eat "slop" for the week, to which she immediately declared, "I'm not eating that." I couldn't tell by the look on her face, but it seems to me that there's no better excuse for not eating. If she wasn't happy about it, she really didn't make a big fuss. Yay for THINSPIRATION to watch 3 times a week!!!
~~Whatever you will, Lord.~~

This is what I prayed just before I stepped on the scale this morning. I have been on a liquid fast of penitence for the past three and a half days. I have consumed 1385 liquid calories in that time, and burned at least 2500.

"Just as long as you know that the number you're about to see on the scale is NOT an indication of how very much I love you." That's the response I got.

As I stepped on the scale, for the first time in a long time, I did not care what it was about to say; I felt loved.

128.

I am back to the weight at which I started before the binge that led me to the penitent liquid fast. How perfectly appropriate. :)

...

Of course, this looks like it will now be harder to achieve my previously set goal of 122 lbs by July 18th, the next scheduled celebratory "cheat day." That's six pounds in nine days. It's not impossible, but I think it's highly improbable.

I spent a great deal of last night readjusting my diet plan. I have GOT to quit this Starbucks addiction... it's gotten out of hand. It's killing my wallet and putting useless empty JUNK calories in my body. If I'm gonna fill myself with that many calories, they might as well have NUTRIENTS in them.

So this week (after today's soup and sushi to officially break the fast), I'm going to attempt a 5-6-7-8 diet. Every other day, I have scheduled 500, 600, 700, and 800 calories in random order, with a one-day sub-500 liquid fast scheduled between each. On eating days, I will count both food and liquid calories, and I will not be allowed to have ANY coffee. On liquid days, I will be allowed a Grande Starbucks at most - but other than that, only juice, milk, water, tea, and coke zero.

I have also purchased cayenne pepper pills for before-meals, to help kick-start my metabolism, and ginger pills for after-meals, to help aid digestion.

I've got every single meal planned out, including a lot of 100-cal soup, 90-cal mini-rice cakes, some fruits, and a few salads, plus extreme-low-cal treats like sugar-free popsicles and jello snack packs. A little better balance of protein, carbs, fruits and veggies. It's still going to be very hard to stick to the plan, because there are a few days this week in which my business plans are up in the air until last-minute notice.

By this time next week (Monday morning), I hope to be 123 pounds, but I'm not holding my breath. It has also occurred to me to possibly do the 5-6-7-8 in the first four days of the week (since this is when my business days are most likely to occur, and I do not yet have anything on the schedule for the end of the week), and to do another 3-day liquid fast same time next weekend. I still haven't decided completely against that.

I'll make all the appropriate adjustments as soon as my business plans are set in stone. Meantime, I feel like I'm in line with God, and that He is in control of my weight loss (or :::flinch::: gain). "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9.

I spent three days fasting and praying for forgiveness for my gluttony. And I lost every ounce I had gained. "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3. ~~Praise HIM.~~

Sunday, July 8, 2007

God, I feel sick. Too... much... coffee. Who knew there was such a thing?

Thirteen and a half hours until the end of my 3-day liquid fast of penitence. Sort of abused myself this morning.

Didn't sleep well last night, so got a Venti Starbucks on the way to church to stay awake. (Would have done this anyway.) After the service, ordered a cinnamon steamer at the coffee bar at church, but they had no idea how to make one, so what I got was more like warmed-over cinnamon sludge. And probably with whole milk. Ugh... maybe THAT'S what's making me feel queasy now.

To shake that off, I stopped by another Starbucks before making the drive back home from church. Ordered another Venti latte, and also picked up one of those Odwalla Fruit Juices. Drank them both within an hour. Ugh.

That's 500 calories in about four hours. Ugh!!! I do remember a time when I could EAT this much and feel sick. (Come to think of it, a little over a month ago I could eat that many calories in a sitting and NOT be sick.) Maybe with all the weird fasting/bingeing/restricting I've been up to lately I'm starting to develop an allergy to calories. That would be great! Being not able to eat or drink ANYTHING without feeling sick - what a great excuse to stay ana!!!

Or maybe it's just the sour steamer talking over the acids building up in my stomach from having had NO solid food for three days. Yeah... that's more likely.

Great distractions all morning though. Went shopping this afternoon for a business suit for this week's gig. Didn't find a suit, but was pleased to learn I have shrunk out of the sizes I used to pick off the rack. !!!:)!!! And I did pick up a few new pairs of workout pants, size SMALL. Yay!

Shopping always exhausts me anyway, but add that to the no-food factor, not sleeping well, and the crash off of TWO Venti Starbucks... I came home and took a 45-minute nap. I'm feeling a little rejuvenated now, but now I've got the nausea to deal with. I'm REALLY going to regret skipping the gym today, but every bone in my body is fighting it. I'm going to call that "God's prompting to take a day off."

Ana says, "But you've had THREE days off from the gym this week!" But my body says, "I'm sorry, I just can't do it." My brain has flashes of food, especially junk food, which Ana quickly smashes. Still, I can't help wondering (and yes, I'm praying about it) what I will eat tomorrow to break the fast.

I've gone back to a more idealistic approach. All the fasting experts advise you not to pig out on the first day back, or at least to eat only small doses of raw food. Considering I haven't been exactly sacred about the "juices" I've been fasting on (mostly coffee), I don't know how sacred I have to be about jumping back on the solid-food bandwagon.

Still, an apple sounds mighty tasty right now. I'm thinking about sushi too... that's raw, I love it, and it would be filling, plus it would be a nice "reward" for having been faithful to this fast without going overboard on calories.

~~Lord, I have faithfully consumed nothing but liquid for three and a half days, offering my body and my appetite to You, and to the mission of growing closer to You. So can I please have some sushi tomorrow without gaining too much weight??~~

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Hour-long walk around the neighborhood this morning while sipping my coffee breakfast. 275 in, who knows how many out. Did some talking with God along the way.

The gig went so well I was finished within a half-hour and allowed to go home early. Yes!!! Still getting paid for the whole 2-hour shift. Hurrah! ~~Thank you, Lord, for this mercy!!~~

Sped home like a demon knowing this means I might be able to squeeze in an evening workout after all. Made it to the gym by 5:45 (they close at 7 pm).

Spent an hour straight on the treadmill, intending to do speed intervals. But every time I tried to run, God was screaming at me, "But you haven't eaten in two days! Just take it easy! At least you're here!" so I relented to walk briskly the whole time. Went 3 1/4 miles and burned 258 calories anyway. Then headed upstairs and cranked out crunches until they kicked me out.

Naturally, on the way home I didn't feel fully worked out, so I stopped over to Central Park for a hike. Hiked for about an hour until the sunset, didn't have my pedometer with me (poor planning), but it was probably at least 3 miles of heavy hiking. More talking with God along the way, encouragement. :)

So overall, I probably burnt about 1000 cals today. And I had my "recovery" glass of fat-free milk when I came home, before my shower. So 355 cals in, total. Not bad.

But now it's 9:30 and I'm bushed. That's ok. Gotta get up early for church, so it doesn't hurt to go to bed a little early.

Still, I can't believe I've gone 2 whole days barely feeling hungry. ~~Thank You, Jesus!!!~~ Tomorrow's going to be the hardest day yet. Church in the morning (will probably get Starbucks on the way), shopping in the afternoon (need a new business suit for a film shoot next week), then hopefully I won't be so exhausted from the lack of food that I can go to the gym and crank out some cardio until they kick me out at 9pm.

If I make it through the day on just the one coffee, I might treat myself to another at the bookstore later. ;)

GOD IS GOOD.
Down four pounds this morning, but still not back to the weight I was the morning of the binge. Slowly but surely.

Going to the gym this morning was going to be a silly idea. What can you seriously accomplish in an hour and a half? Maybe 500 calories? But just enough muck and sweat that I'd have to rush home and take a chance that the shower would not be available at my beckoned call, risking being late to my gig this afternoon. Nah, not worth it.

I hate working out in the mornings anyway. I'm a creature of the night by nature.

So I got up and sat down to my computer. Rumble - damn stomach. Well, that ain't happening. So I decided to walk over to the local convenience store and get a cheap (but grotesquely large) fake-accino. As long as I'm not counting calories, as long as it's liquid, I'm doing ok.

God that thing tasted horrible. But it was a nice morning for a walk, so I figured I'd pace around the neighborhood while finishing up my morning coffee, ditching the evidence before I get home. Besides, I still need to unload the groceries from the back of my car into the house, and there's a little cousin asleep on the couch that I'd hate to disturb.

Twenty-four ounces and two miles later, I returned home. All this time to think is stirring up my creative juices, so I sort of wrote a story in my head along the way. Something for the family history journal. Anyway.

Just to be on the safe side, I'm counting the coffee as about 275 calories. Jesus, it was sickening sweet. But now I feel uncomfortably full, not at all hungry, fully caffeinated, and I can feel my blood pumping. Still home in time to get a little blogging done (and maybe a little weightlifting?) before I have to start getting prissied up for the gig, no shower necessary.

~~Thank you, Lord, for this inspired morning. Be with me today; be my strength to resist the temptation of solid foods; grant me travelling mercies; grant me charm to accomplish a stellar gig, and enough energy to burn more than I consume today. Praise You for the four pounds disappeared this morning. May it be four more by tomorrow. Forgive me, dear Lord, for my gluttony. This liquid fast I offer as repentance to You. Amen.~~

Friday, July 6, 2007

The first day of penitence is done. And it is good. Praise the Lord.

Today's intake: 530 calories - ALL liquid.
Today's output at the gym: 1523 calories.
Total deficit: -993 calories.

I was going to allow myself a half-and-half bowl of rice krispies with fat-free milk as a recovery treat after the gym. But on the way home from the gym, God spoke up and reminded me that to be TRULY penitent, there can be absolutely NO straying from the terms of the fast. The milk is what the recovery treat is really about. And I can have the milk without the cereal, get the effects of the "recovery" without straying from the "nothing but liquid" terms of the fast. So that's what I did.

In fact, I had nothing but liquids all day. I did question myself a couple of times, when I knew the calorie count kept going up. (Should I have the high-calorie fruit juice or another coke zero? Should I have another cup of Starbucks or just be thirsty? Should I get the tall Starbucks or another Venti?)

In the end, the voices in my head, be they ana or God, told me not to worry about calorie counts, just so long as they are all liquid. So that's what I did.

Am I a little scared by an over-500 count for the day. Sure. But that's overshadowed by how proud I am that I have remained true to the terms of the fast for the first day. It gives me confidence to hold out for the next two days.

My stomach is still aching from yesterday's abomination. In fact, 90 minutes into my workout today, I actually had to stop and take a break because the cramping was so bad. (Don't know if it's last-day-period-cramps or food-still-in-my-stomach-cramps.) I actually stopped the treadmill, packed up my locker, drove to Starbucks to get my first Venti of the day, and spent at least 45-minutes driving around aimlessly before my stomach felt decent enough to drive back to the gym, check back in, and get back on the treadmill. What a WEIRD workout day.

But I did not feel even the SLIGHTEST bit of hunger until about 4 pm today. And even then, it was easy enough to quell with a bit of fruit juice.

Right now, I am 28 hours into the fast, with 56 hours to go. Literally, one-third of the way there. And I don't feel hungry. (Maybe because it's bedtime.)

Tomorrow will be filled with blessed distractions. Sunday morning will be the same, but the afternoon/evening... I'm already steeling myself to prepare for the VAST temptation and hunger I know I'm going to feel once I'm bored and can think of nothing else. The end of the fast will be the very hardest part.

But for now, celebration. I made it through one whole day, free of solid food. I feel that my penitence for yesterday's binge is being accepted, forgiven, and thrown into His sea of forgetfulness.

~~Thank You, Father. Thank You for the strength to get through my workout. Thank You for the willpower to resist solid foods. Thank You for Your love and forgiveness. Please let tomorrow's number on the scale reflect not only the good work I've done today, but also how much work I have left still to do. Amen.~~
There is good news and bad news.

The bad news is, last night I went through the worst binge yet. It was a true binge; not because I was hungry or lazy. I was depressed. And so I ate for the sake of hating myself. And I ate until it hurt. Three times.

Just as I was on my way to the gym, dragging myself the entire way, my friend "Sa" called me up with a notorious "crisis." I'm a sucker for being needed, so I offered to skip the gym for one day. :::sigh::: This was my mistake.

My first impulse was to bring her the remainder of the pretzel sparklers - 2 whole boxes - that have been sitting in my fridge taunting me, reminding me that nobody loved me enough on 4th of July to ask me out to a party. Damn talking desserts. I'd show them who was boss by feeding them to "Sa."

She, of course, asked me out to dinner, and when I got there, I could tell that this whole thing had been a setup. After last seeing her at Cracker Barrel (where I apparently made a small scene out of being a picky eater), she was watching carefully if I would eat today. So I made a huge deal out of ordering the largest, most fattening thing on the menu, and gobbling the whole thing down. It was the chicken carbonara at Quizno's, which I later discovered (to my dismay) does not have nutritional info posted on the website.

IT HURT SO MUCH. My poor little body was completely empty after the saltwater flush, and I really wanted it to stay that way for a little while. But a strange thing happened. I had suddenly overloaded with probably close to 1500 calories and THE PAIN FELT GOOD.

I have not wanted to hurt myself in a long, long time, but this is not a new feeling.

Out came the pretzels. "Sa" did eat her fair share of them, but when she kindly shut the box, I insisted on keeping going. We got in our cars to drive to her house to tackle her crisis, and in the car, I finished that box. When we got to her house, I opened the next box and we sat down to catch up on some tivo'd tv shows. She might have eaten three pretzels more. And I finished the rest of the box.

It hurt so bad, and felt so good.

The pain was a serious bloat from my pelvis to chest. My entire abdomen was sore to the touch - like I'd just done a billion crunches. But the pain felt good.

When I came home after midnight, my scale looked at me from it's corner, weeping. Only then did it hit me... what have I done?

And it reminded me of that last binge, with the mac & cheese, only FOUR fucking days ago! And how God intervened. Well, I have ignored His intervention, and it has to stop. I have to stop thinking that I am in control, because clearly, I'm not. God is in control, He always has been, and He's proven it to me time and time again.

When will I learn?

And I spotted the haiku that I had written the night before. I read it over again and wept. Then I made a switch.

I have to stop hating myself. I have to allow God to be in control. The entire reason I started this entire fasting process was to grow closer to Him. So far, I've only come closer with bingeing. This is a dangerous thing. This is not what God intended.

If you go back and read the haiku post, I've bolded eight verses. Last night, at 2 in the morning, I printed out these eight verses on a beautiful page, like a prayer. I set it in an old silver frame I have, and it looks really beautiful. Here's a picture:
[This image has been removed.]


I ceremoniously put all of my food -- anything solid -- into a pantry box and closed the lid. I set the framed haiku on top of it to stand guard.

This is the good news part. This is my declaration of the beginning of a three-day liquid fast. This is my penitence, my offering to God, for the deadly sin of gluttony I have committed.

I went to bed at 4 am, swearing off all food for the next three days, until Monday morning at 8 am. And this time, it's not about me, it's not about losing weight. It's about sanctifying my body after committing this heinous crime. It's about feeling like I've earned his forgiveness. I mean, I am well aware that forgiveness is given just by asking. I have asked in earnest prayer, and I know if I were to die this second, it is forgiven.

But this is my way of making it stick. This is to help remind me for the next three days that sins are NOT to be purposely committed, taking advantage of the fact that God will forgive us with a single prayer.

I will have to attend church this Sunday morning (instead of Saturday night) because of a work conflict. I'm really kind of looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to sticking to this fast, instead of dreading it. I feel like I've finally begun the track that God sent me here to accomplish, which is to grow closer to Him through fasting and prayer, instead of selfish starving. There is a difference!!!

So I'm starting off simple. All of my weight-loss goals are still in place, and still achievable. I can still feel the pain from last night running through my stomach. I'm sort of hoping that some of that saltwater flush will help it through.

Fourteen hours down, seventy hours to go. Lord, grant me strength to know you more.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Other benefits of a saltwater flush:

- There's no greater feeling in the world than that your insides are EMPTY.
- It's only uncomfortable for a little while, then you feel GREAT.
- You also feel unquenchably thirsty, not even slightly hungry. Today will be a great day to do a liquid fast.
- I actually feel more energetic, not sluggish. This is SO much better than purging!
Damnit. Yesterday was a GOOD day. Or so I thought. But instead of being down a pound today, I'm up one.

Damnit. I hate plateaus.

I know this is only happening because I haven't been lower than this weight for a VERY long time. I've dipped down to 130 a couple of times (at least once a year) in the past four years. But before that, I only got down to 125 for about three weeks during the summer of 1998. That's NINE FUCKING YEARS AGO.

So this plateau calls for some drastic measures. Thank God - empty house this morning. FINALLY. That means I can do my saltwater flush today.

They say this gets easier each time you do it. The hardest part is chugging nearly a LITER of water within a half-hour, especially when you're used to sipping constantly throughout the day and barely eating so that your stomach is shrunk to the size of a pea.

The second hardest part is having that God-awful FULL feeling in your stomach until the intestines start making it move. After being back to ana and restricting for one month now, I'm pretty sure my digestive system has gone on strike again.

Well, not this morning, damn you!!! Maybe it's sheer willpower (whereas the first time I did this I was a little bit nervous and scared). Maybe because I didn't heat the water up quite so hot, so I don't have to wait so long for it to cool down. Last time I got four cups in just barely under the half-hour mark. This time I've got three cups in within the first fifteen minutes.

Chug, chug, chug. Then distraction - yay for blogging. What's going to be evacuated from my overstocked intestines this morning? Everything since the last saltwater flush basically. Including last weekend's dessert/mac&cheese binge. Including gallons of coffee, about 3 cups of rice krispies, 2 popsicles, 36 mini-ricecakes, one soup-at-hand. OH! - Saturday night's Cracker Barrel coercion(so sad). And the whole bag of salad from food shopping the day before that....

Ugh, almost two full weeks of food is stuck in my intestines.

But ah.... 1 full liter of saltwater is down the hatch in 20 minutes. ;) Yeah... that wasn't quite as bad as last time. And this is certainly SOOOOOO much better than any man-made laxatives for my body. No risk of addiction, no stimulant cramping, best of all - no calories. And $-wise, practically FREE.

The half-hour of waiting begins. Half-hour til the onslaught of evacuation. Like a million little calories sitting in my gut seeing the massive tidal wave of saltwater rushing at them like a tsunami, seeking to destroy, annihilate, crush, and flush them away.

No matter how uncomfortable it is, this is MUCH preferable to throwing up.