Friday, June 1, 2007




Maybe it's the new medicine I'm taking today...

Maybe because I took it on an empty stomach...

Maybe because I only have eight days left here, and tonight I kinda got the feeling that no one cares, no one will miss me...

Maybe because I had a whole fucking potato at lunch and I felt like a 2-ton whale and now I'm crashing off the carbs...

...I am so fucking DEPRESSED right now.

I read someone else's blog tonight. Someone in a mood of lamenting this disease, crying because she lost "only" 6 lbs. this week, someone who clearly could walk into recovery tomorrow because she so desperately wants it.... and I did not have the heart to encourage her. That's how depressed I feel.

I know how she feels. I know the torture of knowing I need to eat, need to gain weight, but the voices in my brain screaming at me how food is the enemy, and I am already so fat I don't need food, rather I should be exercising again... but seeing the pained looks on the faces of people around us who love us.... but putting on a show for them, as if everything is alright, as if we really are hungry, and we've been eating well lately, and how everything is fine now!

It's a see-saw, it's a tug-of-war, it's a battle of the minds inside one head...

If I was normal, would I have encouraged her? Ana says no. Ana tells me that I am actually stronger than her, that I have more willpower, and that I should go for a 5-mile run to prove it! But I just don't have the heart.

I don't have the heart to go for a run. I sure as hell don't want to even think about eating something, and am lying here planning how I can avoid eating for the next eight days til I leave. I just wanna lay here and waste away.

Maybe they could even wheel me out of here in a casket. ~ Ha ha! You thought you could control me, but you were wrong - dead wrong! ~

Every time I deny myself food feels like victory and defeat at the same time.

How fucking twisted is that?

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