Wednesday, June 6, 2007

FREE AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!

Anas - rejoice!!!! I have finally finished up my latest job, and now I'm back out on my own where no one can weigh me and judge me and threaten me with comments about how much or how little I'm eating!!! It is a GOOD THING!!!!

But OMIGOD!!!! They weighed me one last time before I left, and I asked them if I could look. Since I'm leaving, there's not much they can do, so I looked. 146!!! ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FUCKING SIX POUNDS!!! WHAT A FAT-ASS!!!

Well, needless to say, I was mega-depressed about that. Angry and frustrated and hating the world for doing this to me. Hating FOOD. Wishing I'd exercised more. Wishing I'd done more sneaking around. But I had no idea how much I weighed, only that it wasn't little enough to get me fired.

Well, no more! And immediately, I started restricting. I can't WAIT to start fasting again! But my poor body would go into shock if I just up and stopped eating right away. This is so damn frustrating. My brain and my heart and every nerve ending in my body is screaming not to put another single bite in my mouth for as long as I live! But the damn pouch below my lungs and above my intestines grumbles softly until I pummel it into quiet submission...

I am staying with some friends for a few weeks until I can find an apartment of my own again. It's great, because I feel guilty about eating their food in their house, so I just don't eat. And we've gone "out to eat" a few times, on her breaks from work, or out to public functions. And since our time together is so sporadic, it's easy to make up the old excuses: "I just ate", "I'm still full from lunch", "I've got gum in my mouth..."

Omigod! I had forgotten how wonderful it feels to have an empty stomach!!!! I can't remember the last time I could make it cave in. I've been doing a lot of laying down and looking for my ribs...

Unfortunately, wi-fi's not so easy to find, and the only place I've found it (just now) it's at a fucking burger joint! Ugh!!!!! Well, maybe it's a reverse trigger. I get nauseated just watching obese, sweaty porker tourists all around me stuffing their faces like there's no tomorrow... So if the updates are not daily for a little while, forgive me girls. I'm working to get out on my own just AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

This is my third day here, and I think my best friend "M" might be beginning to suspect me. Everytime I "don't eat" when we go out, she laughs about it and tries to jokingly make fun of me for "not eating." But jeez!!! I know I'm a fatty - at 146! AAARRRGH!!! Damn job! It's easy to say, "I eat all the time - just look at me!" And that seems to cover over a few awkward, "Are you eating?" moments.

Tonight there's a party at a friend's house to watch "So You Think You Can Dance?" While she's at work, I think I'm going to go out and buy enough stuff to make a few desserts to take to the party. Then I can play hostess at the party (not to mention mingling with a million friends I haven't seen in forever) and if I circulate enough, no one should notice that I'm not eating.

Yay - restricting!!!! Omigod it feels so good!!!

There's still a little twinge in me everytime I say, "No thanks" or wave something away. Just now when we went out to lunch at a local church gathering, I spent a long time cutting up all the meat into little pieces and then mashing it around with the cole slaw before slathering it with salt and shifting it into little groups on my plate, to make it look like I'd eaten. (I only ate about three green beans.) But luckily the preacher asked us to stand up for a worship song. So I put my napkin over my plate and the girl next to me did the same thing! We laughed about it, but when the song was over and we sat back down, I pushed my plate away and sipped on my cup of water and pretended to be REALLY absorbed into what the preacher was saying.

A couple of my other friends, "A" and "S", asked M about my lack of eating. She laughed about it, teasing me, and it felt SOOOO good to fucking GET AWAY WITH IT!!!! If I'd done that on the job, and got caught, there would have been a meeting with the doctor and the captain, and a lot of lies and excuses.... followed by a very public feast at dinner where EVERYONE would be watching me. AAAAARRRRRGH!

Thank GOD I'm away from all of that!
Thank God that M doesn't have the guts to call me out on my restricting.
Thank God I can restrict and get away with it!!
Please, God, let me find a place of my own soon so I can do a full-out fast for you!!!!


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