Saturday, June 23, 2007

Day 6 of the great 34-day fast.

Today was going along SOOOO well. And then I fucked it all up by going out with a friend to dinner.

I'm a sucker for sushi. I have willpower against all other food except sushi and coffee. Tonight at church I was praising God for how good He has been to me this week, granting me the grace and strength to resist all sorts of temptations. (I even baked another three batches of Rice Krispies Treats tonight, and didn't so much as put one single kernel in my mouth!)

But after church I was wired! Don't know why. I've been going through this roller coaster energy ride. Some moments I feel so dead tired that I think I'm going to pass out. An hour or so later, I'm flying so high I think my feet are literally not touching the ground. It seems to correspond to social situations more than eating situations.

At any rate, my carpool dropped off my friend "A" at his house, and then my other friend "S" mentioned she was a little hungry. "A" told us that our favorite sushi place was just around the corner, and my eyes lit up. I wasn't even hungry!!! But I am powerless to sushi. So "S" and I went to get sushi dinner.

What a pig! I ate a sunomono salad of salmon on a bed of rice noodles with vinegar sauce, a spicy tuna roll, an alaska roll, and a tiger roll. That's like 1000 calories!!!! DAMNIT!!!

Even as I put each piece into my mouth, I was picturing how long I am going to have to spend at the gym tomorrow to burn it all off. It's going to take about four or five hours, at least, to burn off today's calories and tomorrow's juice.

OMIGOD!!! I think I'm going to slit my wrists in the morning when that number on the scale goes UP instead of down!!! Damnit! Omigod! I almost don't want to wake up! I don't want to see it! What the hell have I done???

I'm so scared. Shitless. Ooooh, that reminds me. If I take a load of laxatives now, maybe I can get rid of this sooner than the gym...

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Ok... done. A double dose down the hatch. Jesus, how I wish I could go to the fucking gym right this very second. I've got SOOOOO much energy to burn, just from hating myself. Well, that and the calories now invading every cell of my body. Ugh! I HATE this full feeling!!!!!!

The gym opens at 7 am. That's not for another seven hours! I don't really want to sleep on these calories, but if I don't sleep, I'll be dead on the treadmill tomorrow....

Ugh. God, please let these laxatives kick in soon. I've got to get rid of this, but I REALLY don't want to have to purge...

Ok, I admit it...
I am weak. I am pathetic.
I am a fat slob with no self-control.
Tomorrow I shouldn't even allow myself juice - only water. I just might do that.
I am not worthy to be thinner tomorrow than I am today.
I am sorry, Ana... I let you down. I deserve my punishment.

Oh, God! What if it's more than just one pound?? Jesus God, what if it's two!!! I am such a fat fucking whore! What the hell is wrong with me?!? What the hell was I thinking???

This is exactly what I warned my facebook girls about. "When bad foods tempt you, put it on a 'cheat day' list and walk away!" Damnit! No wonder they don't post, I'm a horrible leader, a terrible example.

Girls... I don't blame you. Not that I ever did. I am a pathetic loser. I wish I had your support to help me against these decisions, but I can understand why you've disappeared. I am not worthy to lead your fast.

Everyone falls off the wagon though, right? Am I the only one? Tomorrow is a brand new day. Tomorrow is a chance to start over, start fresh, start RENEWED. Tomorrow I will stay at the gym and not stop until I have burned over 1000 calories on cardio machines, plus weightlifting. Tomorrow I might weigh MORE than I did today. :::sob:::

But I swear, just for tomorrow, ONLY WATER. Then Monday, only one bottle of juice. No more eating til Tuesday.

Ana, my love. Please... please, forgive me.


Steph said...

Hey, you seem knowledgeable...

I'm having issues with laxatives. Yesterday I ate lunch (dammit), so I took a dose to get rid of it. But nothing ever happened. Then I ate a huge fucking dinner (It was basically a binge), and I took another dose and still nothing happened. those calories are in me now forever. Whate am I doing wrong?

Anonymous said...

the thing is that the laxatives will get rid of the weight of the food and make you feel not as gross, but the food can't pass through your system until after the calories have been absorbed--so taking laxatives after a binge isn't really an alternative to purging. just wanted to save you a little heartache and frustration :-)

Anonymous said...

Sushi is my weakness too. It's sweet torture because my friends always want to have sushi. But I just stick with an avocado roll and a miso soup.