Thursday, June 21, 2007

Day 4 of the great 34-day fast.

DAMNIT!!!!!! I hate myself so much right now!

Even my stomach is rebelling. After having not eaten for almost two full days, and only ten hours away from tomorrow's breakfast, I had to go and stick my finger in my mouth! Damnit!!!!!! I'm so mad at myself, it makes me feel like puking. (No, of course I won't do it on purpose, but I'm hoping the stress alone will stir those acids enough to make it come back naturally.)

I have a group of friends that I wanted to thank in a special way. So I made a motherload of Rice Krispies Treats for them (well over 100!). I thought I could divert the temptation with loud music and lots of water, but I slipped and licked my finger just once. Damnit!!!!

So far, all I'd had today was one bottle of diluted cran/rasp juice (130 cals) and a Starbucks latte (160 cals). The Starbucks was lamentable, but turned out to have been necessary for the 2nd audition (which, btw, I NAILED).

So, for the day I was already up to 290 cals... WAY over the juice-fast limit! Damnit!!!!

But then without even thinking, while fixing up these treats, I burned my finger, and my automated response was to stick it in my mouth. Damnit!!! Omigod - I can't believe how much I hate myself for this! Even ONE calorie of food breaks the juice-fast... damnit!!!

Well, if you can't tell, my resolve to be stronger on this fast from now on is HUGE. Nothing compares to hating myself this much. It was NOT worth it for that little taste! Nothing compares to being thin! Nothing compares to knowing you have the willpower to overcome things like hunger and food! Nothing compares to the euphoria of weighing yourself and seeing that number dwindle each day!

Today: 300 calories in. Tomorrow: no work to look forward to, only one small errand to run, so that means a long, hard day at the gym. Too bad I have to sleep on this 300, as the gym's already closed tonight. GRRRRRR! But I will do some weightlifting before bed, that ought to help a little.

It's tough to be a leader on this fast when my own flesh is weak. And I was even down a pound this morning - that, in itself, should have been incentive!

Tomorrow, I will wake up and not be surprised if I'm the same weight, or (God help me!) even more. I think I'll have the veggie burger first, then head out to the gym for the day. I can deliver the treats on the way. Then, just before the gym slays me, I'll trudge back home, take my shower, cut up my apple, and eat one slice at a time each half-hour until 8 pm. After that, a 3-day juice-fast to look forward to!

And this time I WILL ABSOLUTELY STICK TO IT!!!!!

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