Saturday, June 30, 2007

Day 13 of the great 34-day fast. End of day.

Once again, I have failed to stick to the plan!!!! DAMNIT!

Well, the day started off SOOOOO well. I set out to find the sprinkles I desperately need to make my pretzel sparklers for the 4th of July. On the way, my friend "Sa" called and wanted to meet for a chat. I suggested :::hee hee::: Starbucks as a great rendezvous location. We both had a few errands to run first, and agreed on a few hours time later to meet.

Meantime, the first place I stopped in at was a different Starbucks location, to order my 160-cal Venti Starbucks. Ah! Sweet bliss!!!

Did all my shopping, found the sprinkles and a few other neat items, and proceeded to meet "Sa" at the other Starbucks at 2pm. Sitting there.... 2:15... I've been through 3 days worth of the New York Times, waiting kindly to order my own drink until she gets there. 2:45... Luckily, I'd brought my notebook with me, and I decided to write some haiku to pass the time:

by Ana Regzig

Waiting at Starbucks
for my gab-gifted friend and
a Venti latte

Maybe just a tall
One-sixty plus ninety is
my limit today

Nothing but liquid
And yet my tummy feels full
Ah! Sweet deception

But still so fat that
no one seems to worry. No
one quips, "You're so thin!"

Oh, to be double
digits. Perfect. Beautiful.
One pound at a time.

Keep losing weight. Keep
restricting hard. Be strong and
think thin. Pound by pound.

Write haiku to pass
the time. Where the HELL is she?
She calls. "Almost there!"

Well, just get here! You
don't have to call to tell me.
Wasting my minutes.

Finally! Her car
outside the window. She walks
in, says "hi," not "sorry."

And of course at that point, I had to stop writing. She proceeds to tell me (now that it's 3:00), "I'm really actually sort of hungry. Do you want to go to Quizno's instead?"

Lord, I love this girl, but some days, I just want to strangle her!!!!

I insisted on getting coffee. At this point, I had been anticipating my second cup of coffee for an hour. I'd even managed to figure a system to add up to 250 calories so that I don't go over my daily limit! I'm not letting this wretch get in the way of my plan!!!

She stands in line with me oogling the "ostentatiously-priced desserts" while I order my Tall Starbucks. Ah.... sweet caffeine in my body again, before the first one has even worn off. The day's plan is complete. Now I can go WITH you to Quizno's.

We get there and she orders while I find a suitable table. She gets to the table with her tray and asks that grating question I knew was coming. "Why aren't you eating?"

"Well, ya know, I woke up late today and had a HUGE breakfast just a few hours ago. I'm not really that hungry." This is the one time I'm glad she's a dumb blonde. The dodge flew right over her head. She launches full-force into the same circular saga she's been dwelling and agonizing on for the past two weeks.

Thank God to have 32 ounces of Starbucks in me. Her food didn't even smell good compared to how powerful I feel. It's going to be a great day.

The other friends in our church carpool call. Together we decide we'll go tonight to church instead of tomorrow morning. Great! If I'm at church, I can't be tempted to eat, and it'll give me a chance to run around a bit, worshipping and greeting!! I'm going to stay on target today!!! I WILL be xxx pounds by tomorrow!!!

I am the picture of enthusiasm all the way to church! I love the way I can feel my pants are now barely hanging on to the edges of my hips, and I am the life of the conversation all the way there!

Church was great, really uplifting. But afterwards, the four of us run into two other friends, "J & A," who we haven't seen in awhile. After sitting around chatting for about an hour, "J" announces that it's his birthday and he hasn't had any fun yet. Someone suggests going out for ice cream, "... if that's ok with everyone?" I casually attempt to look distracted by another lingering church patron.

Somehow, we ended up at Cracker Barrel instead. SHIT. No getting out of this one, I'm suddenly wishing I'd brought my own car. My mind starts to panic, racing for an excuse out of dinner. No way out. No way out. I can feel myself becoming panicked and reclusive, drawing back from the conversation I was such a lively part of just a moment ago. No way out. No Way Out. NO WAY OUT!!! ANA!!! HELP ME!!!

Drink orders are taken. I order a large ice water with lemon. As soon as it arrives, I drain it fast as possible and order a refill. Thank God, by this point everyone else is so absorbed in conversation and catching up that no one seems to notice my sudden extreme thirst.

Cracker Barrel is one the LAST restaurants on PLANET EARTH to have a complete nutritional menu in existence. Isn't that supposed to be an FDA requirement now??? DAMNIT!!! At least their low-carb menu lists the exact number of carbs in each entree and side. I order the grilled catfish (0 carbs) with green beans (2 carbs - the lowest of four choices), and a tossed salad (0 carbs) with a side of Buttermilk Ranch (2 carbs).

Meanwhile, a plate of biscuits and corn muffins with sides of butter, honey and jam arrives at the table. Now comes the hard part - decision time. I can attempt to eat a normal meal with my friends, and not raise any suspicions, and pay for it tomorrow at the damned GYM. Or, I can be selective and hope that their deep conversation serves as enough distraction. Oh... and here comes my third ice water.

By the time my salad arrives, I am shivering, and a fourth glass of ice water is poured. Thank God I am feeling full from all the water. But "St" notices my hand shaking. "Oh... I must be under the a/c vent! Ha ha!" Damnit... I've been spotted. In picking up the small cup of ranch dressing, I "accidentally" spill it onto the table beside the plate. I eat the iceberg lettuce and the onions, knowing they're calorie-worthless. I spend a great deal of time cutting up the tomato wedges with my knife and fork, then carefully dodge them while taking multiple stabs at the worthless salad.

When the entree arrives, along with my fourth ice water, I have been served a lunch portion. YES!!! About four ounces of catfish, and 3/4 cup of green beans. Thus begins the artful cutting, pushing, sectioning, chewing 20 times on each single green bean. Halfway through the plate, I decide to quit and pick up my napkin from my lap... "Not hungry?" my friend "J" nudges me inquisitively. God I love this girl... she never fails to see right through me. "No, just enjoying the conversation so much I didn't even notice. Heh."

She is watching me, I can tell, through the corners of her eyes. I finish 90% of the plate. DAMNIT, DAMNIT, DAMNIT!!! Ice water #5 is now drained, and I make my excuses to the bathroom.

There in the first stall, my guilt overcomes me. I want SO BADLY to purge every bit of this right now. Yet, to this day, I refuse to stick my fingers in my throat. That's ok, the stress of the entire situation is doing it for me. Cough, sputter. That's right, come on baby. Cough, spit. Here it comes.

And someone else walks in to the bathroom. DAMNIT.

Unable to tell who it is, I am completely paranoid that "J" has seen through my antics and has followed me here. I sit down and have a good long piss, waiting for the bathroom to clear out again. By the time she finally clears out, the urge to heave has abated. FUCK!

When I get back to the table, shaking half with cold and half with unbearable guilt, "J" is still completely absorbed in chatting. I don't think it was her in the bathroom. DAMNIT, FUCK, SHIT, PISS, FUCK, DAMNIT, FUCK!!!!!!! Ice water #6 cannot get here fast enough.

I'm so glad that five other people around me are incessantly babbling. I'm quite adept at looking like the only reason I'm not talking is because I'm so enraptured by the speaker's sermon (if you'll pardon the church-day pun). Shaking my leg and twitching under the table is burning calories but also warming me up. Now that the checks have been distributed, the waitress is M.I.A. An hour later, "J & A's" kids get so fussy that it's finally time to go.

I don't think I said two words the whole ride home. Quite a switch from the ride to get there. I'm not sure if "St" notices or not. If they ask later, I can easily attribute it to tiredness or the honest fact that "Sa" is such a ridiculous chatterbox. I dearly love my friends "St & J," but they know me well enough to know when something's up.... I think.

Well, because "Sa" was there, they didn't call me out on it tonight. And for the next few days it'll be easy enough to dodge their calls. After that, they'll be out of town for about a week or so, including next church-day. So hopefully in two weeks' time, the whole situation will have been forgotten.

As soon as I got home, I raced to my little haven, my corner with my computer, to try to assess the damage. Salad - 17 calories. Green beans - 20. Fish - 270.



Total intake today: 557. If I had done it all in liquid, I wouldn't have felt so bad. But taking in solid food was against the rules of the plan.


The whole silent way home, while oblivious "Sa" babbled, I wondered if this meant I'll have to go to the gym tomorrow. I'm glad I at least made informed choices on what to order, and what portion of that to eat (skipping the tomatoes - good; spilling the dressing - genius; enough cold water to pee icicles - priceless).

Only tomorrow's number will tell me whether I will go back to the gym Sunday or Monday. If the number is on track (how could it be? I still have to lose 1/2 a pound off what I weighed THIS morning...) then I can try to liquify one more day. If not (the more likely option), there will be no coffee, no juice, nothing but WATER all day - it's back to the grinding treadmill for a four-hour session of cardio, and probably missing every possibility of seeing weekend fireworks out at the city park.

Ana... you are cruel, but I deserve my punishment. I am not worthy of your love.


pink said...

yeah I have been to Cracker Barrel and I get so pissed off because they don't list the kcalorie info at all. However, you can find some of the Cracker Barrel kcalorie info on TheDailyPlate, you'll find it on Google. It does help an awful lot. *Hugs*

Ash said...

TheDailyPlate has some kcalorie info for Cracker Barrel. Yeah, I have been there before too. And, my God, it is hard to figure out the kcals, when you don't know exactly how much is it. It's God-awful. Yeah, I know, I have been there. *Hugs*

Anonymous said...

i don't get the point of "liquid foods" you can consume less calories by munching on negative calories snacks all day and still have an intake of less than what you would with all your pointless "juices and drinks"