Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Day 10 of the great 34-day fast.

Bad day. Can I just say. Bad FUCKING day.

Today was supposed to be day one of the first 5-day juice fast within the grand scheme of the 34-day fast. I don't know, maybe I worked too hard at the gym last night (my ana says: shut the fuck up! is there ever such a thing as working TOO hard???), or maybe the boredom of today's blah weather got to me.

I was doing alright. Didn't wake up til 10:30 this morning - the more hours you spend asleep, the less hours you have to deal with feeling hungry. And thank GOD - I lost that one pound I was aiming for! I'm now down to last year's low weight - hooray!!! Now if I can just lose ten more in the next twenty-four days... that shouldn't be too hard. That's less than half-a-pound per day!

Well, this positive attitude was not running through my veins this afternoon. I was trying to put off the one caloric-intake item I had planned for today (130 calories of grapefruit juice) as long as possible, and maybe think about taking a day off from the gym.

What a stupid idea; I should have known better.

No, instead I was feeling weak and shaky by 4 pm and decided to hit the gym after a quick trip to Starbucks. And on my way out the door, my roommate and her visiting mom walked in and begged me to stay to try her "famous" French Onion Soup. Damnit. They know damn well I've got NO food in the fridge, nothing but flavored water, bottled water, and juice. Maybe it's the paranoia, but I swear they're looking at me with suspicion.

I wasn't sly enough to get out of it. And my weak muscles started SCREAMING at me to just have a bite or two and then make my excuses and get straightaway to the gym, no Starbucks. Ana's voice said, "A few bites won't be too bad, and they'll give you the energy you need to stop feeling weak and actually be of some USE on the treadmill."

As ladies will do, they chatted with me incessantly until, before I knew it I was at the bottom of the bowl. How the hell did that happen!!! Damn, it's going to be a hard time at the gym. But if you have to find a silver lining - I didn't feel weak anymore. Damnit. And now they can't argue that I "never eat."

(See, unfortunately, I'm not the sort of anoretic who craves the hunger pain. Instead I crave the CONTROL. But usually that control doesn't kick in until AFTER the fact, when I'm pushing my heart to its limits at the gym to make up for my caloric mistakes.)

Imagine my shock when I discovered that that tiny bowl of broth-based soup (albeit with croutons and cheese) has 300 fucking calories!!! Damnit!!!!

I was cursing at myself out loud the whole way to the gym. It was ana's voice screaming at me: "You stupid bitch! What the hell were you thinking??? Could you not come up with ONE creative lie to get yourself out of this mess, out of the house??? THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A JUICE FAST DAY!!!!!!"

The feeling of being full made me nauseous. Unfortunately, not quite nauseous enough to naturally purge it. However, after eating two days in a row, I felt another sensation that I hadn't felt in a little over a week - I had to GO.

It wasn't pretty. Guess that saltwater flush is still working. Too bad that's YESTERDAY's already digested mistake.

Feeling a little less full, I got started on the treadmill. Still nauseous, it took a half-hour there and a half-hour on the elliptical before I got up to my normal speed. But after that, I gradually kept stepping it up for the rest of the night (especially when the thinspirational "So You Think You Can Dance?" came on!) until I eventually burned a total of 1170 calories.

Daily total intake: 430.
Daily total output: 1170. Plus I rearranged my bedroom this morning. That counts for a few more.

So hopefully my mistake was only enough to keep me at my current weight. Damn! I was so friggin' happy to have achieved my last-year's-low-weight!!! Shouldn't that have been thinspiration enough???

Ideally, I'll be half-a-pound thinner tomorrow. But the satieted feeling in my stomach says otherwise.

I don't crave the feeling of being hungry. I just crave the feeling of being EMPTY.

1 comment:

Thinspirational Constitution said...

I couldn't agree more with this post. All I want is to be in control which gives me that satisfactory feeling that I'm in charge or Ana either way were workinq towards the same goal. Were partners for life afterall. Readinq this entry as old as it may be inspires me a whole lot. I want to be in control and not my stomach or my body. My mind is in control. All thanks to ana.