Saturday, June 30, 2007

Day 13 of the great 34-day fast. End of day.

Once again, I have failed to stick to the plan!!!! DAMNIT!

Well, the day started off SOOOOO well. I set out to find the sprinkles I desperately need to make my pretzel sparklers for the 4th of July. On the way, my friend "Sa" called and wanted to meet for a chat. I suggested :::hee hee::: Starbucks as a great rendezvous location. We both had a few errands to run first, and agreed on a few hours time later to meet.

Meantime, the first place I stopped in at was a different Starbucks location, to order my 160-cal Venti Starbucks. Ah! Sweet bliss!!!

Did all my shopping, found the sprinkles and a few other neat items, and proceeded to meet "Sa" at the other Starbucks at 2pm. Sitting there.... 2:15... I've been through 3 days worth of the New York Times, waiting kindly to order my own drink until she gets there. 2:45... Luckily, I'd brought my notebook with me, and I decided to write some haiku to pass the time:


HAIKU @ STARBUCKS
by Ana Regzig

Waiting at Starbucks
for my gab-gifted friend and
a Venti latte

Maybe just a tall
One-sixty plus ninety is
my limit today

Nothing but liquid
And yet my tummy feels full
Ah! Sweet deception

But still so fat that
no one seems to worry. No
one quips, "You're so thin!"

Oh, to be double
digits. Perfect. Beautiful.
One pound at a time.

Keep losing weight. Keep
restricting hard. Be strong and
think thin. Pound by pound.

Write haiku to pass
the time. Where the HELL is she?
She calls. "Almost there!"

Well, just get here! You
don't have to call to tell me.
Wasting my minutes.

Finally! Her car
outside the window. She walks
in, says "hi," not "sorry."


And of course at that point, I had to stop writing. She proceeds to tell me (now that it's 3:00), "I'm really actually sort of hungry. Do you want to go to Quizno's instead?"

Lord, I love this girl, but some days, I just want to strangle her!!!!

I insisted on getting coffee. At this point, I had been anticipating my second cup of coffee for an hour. I'd even managed to figure a system to add up to 250 calories so that I don't go over my daily limit! I'm not letting this wretch get in the way of my plan!!!

She stands in line with me oogling the "ostentatiously-priced desserts" while I order my Tall Starbucks. Ah.... sweet caffeine in my body again, before the first one has even worn off. The day's plan is complete. Now I can go WITH you to Quizno's.

We get there and she orders while I find a suitable table. She gets to the table with her tray and asks that grating question I knew was coming. "Why aren't you eating?"

"Well, ya know, I woke up late today and had a HUGE breakfast just a few hours ago. I'm not really that hungry." This is the one time I'm glad she's a dumb blonde. The dodge flew right over her head. She launches full-force into the same circular saga she's been dwelling and agonizing on for the past two weeks.

Thank God to have 32 ounces of Starbucks in me. Her food didn't even smell good compared to how powerful I feel. It's going to be a great day.

The other friends in our church carpool call. Together we decide we'll go tonight to church instead of tomorrow morning. Great! If I'm at church, I can't be tempted to eat, and it'll give me a chance to run around a bit, worshipping and greeting!! I'm going to stay on target today!!! I WILL be xxx pounds by tomorrow!!!

I am the picture of enthusiasm all the way to church! I love the way I can feel my pants are now barely hanging on to the edges of my hips, and I am the life of the conversation all the way there!

Church was great, really uplifting. But afterwards, the four of us run into two other friends, "J & A," who we haven't seen in awhile. After sitting around chatting for about an hour, "J" announces that it's his birthday and he hasn't had any fun yet. Someone suggests going out for ice cream, "... if that's ok with everyone?" I casually attempt to look distracted by another lingering church patron.

Somehow, we ended up at Cracker Barrel instead. SHIT. No getting out of this one, I'm suddenly wishing I'd brought my own car. My mind starts to panic, racing for an excuse out of dinner. No way out. No way out. I can feel myself becoming panicked and reclusive, drawing back from the conversation I was such a lively part of just a moment ago. No way out. No Way Out. NO WAY OUT!!! ANA!!! HELP ME!!!

Drink orders are taken. I order a large ice water with lemon. As soon as it arrives, I drain it fast as possible and order a refill. Thank God, by this point everyone else is so absorbed in conversation and catching up that no one seems to notice my sudden extreme thirst.

Cracker Barrel is one the LAST restaurants on PLANET EARTH to have a complete nutritional menu in existence. Isn't that supposed to be an FDA requirement now??? DAMNIT!!! At least their low-carb menu lists the exact number of carbs in each entree and side. I order the grilled catfish (0 carbs) with green beans (2 carbs - the lowest of four choices), and a tossed salad (0 carbs) with a side of Buttermilk Ranch (2 carbs).

Meanwhile, a plate of biscuits and corn muffins with sides of butter, honey and jam arrives at the table. Now comes the hard part - decision time. I can attempt to eat a normal meal with my friends, and not raise any suspicions, and pay for it tomorrow at the damned GYM. Or, I can be selective and hope that their deep conversation serves as enough distraction. Oh... and here comes my third ice water.

By the time my salad arrives, I am shivering, and a fourth glass of ice water is poured. Thank God I am feeling full from all the water. But "St" notices my hand shaking. "Oh... I must be under the a/c vent! Ha ha!" Damnit... I've been spotted. In picking up the small cup of ranch dressing, I "accidentally" spill it onto the table beside the plate. I eat the iceberg lettuce and the onions, knowing they're calorie-worthless. I spend a great deal of time cutting up the tomato wedges with my knife and fork, then carefully dodge them while taking multiple stabs at the worthless salad.

When the entree arrives, along with my fourth ice water, I have been served a lunch portion. YES!!! About four ounces of catfish, and 3/4 cup of green beans. Thus begins the artful cutting, pushing, sectioning, chewing 20 times on each single green bean. Halfway through the plate, I decide to quit and pick up my napkin from my lap... "Not hungry?" my friend "J" nudges me inquisitively. God I love this girl... she never fails to see right through me. "No, just enjoying the conversation so much I didn't even notice. Heh."

She is watching me, I can tell, through the corners of her eyes. I finish 90% of the plate. DAMNIT, DAMNIT, DAMNIT!!! Ice water #5 is now drained, and I make my excuses to the bathroom.

There in the first stall, my guilt overcomes me. I want SO BADLY to purge every bit of this right now. Yet, to this day, I refuse to stick my fingers in my throat. That's ok, the stress of the entire situation is doing it for me. Cough, sputter. That's right, come on baby. Cough, spit. Here it comes.

And someone else walks in to the bathroom. DAMNIT.

Unable to tell who it is, I am completely paranoid that "J" has seen through my antics and has followed me here. I sit down and have a good long piss, waiting for the bathroom to clear out again. By the time she finally clears out, the urge to heave has abated. FUCK!

When I get back to the table, shaking half with cold and half with unbearable guilt, "J" is still completely absorbed in chatting. I don't think it was her in the bathroom. DAMNIT, FUCK, SHIT, PISS, FUCK, DAMNIT, FUCK!!!!!!! Ice water #6 cannot get here fast enough.

I'm so glad that five other people around me are incessantly babbling. I'm quite adept at looking like the only reason I'm not talking is because I'm so enraptured by the speaker's sermon (if you'll pardon the church-day pun). Shaking my leg and twitching under the table is burning calories but also warming me up. Now that the checks have been distributed, the waitress is M.I.A. An hour later, "J & A's" kids get so fussy that it's finally time to go.

I don't think I said two words the whole ride home. Quite a switch from the ride to get there. I'm not sure if "St" notices or not. If they ask later, I can easily attribute it to tiredness or the honest fact that "Sa" is such a ridiculous chatterbox. I dearly love my friends "St & J," but they know me well enough to know when something's up.... I think.

Well, because "Sa" was there, they didn't call me out on it tonight. And for the next few days it'll be easy enough to dodge their calls. After that, they'll be out of town for about a week or so, including next church-day. So hopefully in two weeks' time, the whole situation will have been forgotten.

As soon as I got home, I raced to my little haven, my corner with my computer, to try to assess the damage. Salad - 17 calories. Green beans - 20. Fish - 270.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! THAT'S DOUBLE THE DAY'S LIMIT JUST IN THE FISH ALONE!!!

...

Total intake today: 557. If I had done it all in liquid, I wouldn't have felt so bad. But taking in solid food was against the rules of the plan.

...Sigh....

The whole silent way home, while oblivious "Sa" babbled, I wondered if this meant I'll have to go to the gym tomorrow. I'm glad I at least made informed choices on what to order, and what portion of that to eat (skipping the tomatoes - good; spilling the dressing - genius; enough cold water to pee icicles - priceless).

Only tomorrow's number will tell me whether I will go back to the gym Sunday or Monday. If the number is on track (how could it be? I still have to lose 1/2 a pound off what I weighed THIS morning...) then I can try to liquify one more day. If not (the more likely option), there will be no coffee, no juice, nothing but WATER all day - it's back to the grinding treadmill for a four-hour session of cardio, and probably missing every possibility of seeing weekend fireworks out at the city park.

Ana... you are cruel, but I deserve my punishment. I am not worthy of your love.
Day 13 of the great 34-day fast. Noon.

I am not xxx pounds this morning. I am xxx.5 pounds this morning. SHIT. Half of a pound still yet to lose by tomorrow just to stay on track.

The thought of another grueling day going back and forth from treadmill to elliptical, thrashing away until my heart is about to pound out of my chest is in itself nauseating. I have strayed too far from the fast. It's time to get back to basics.

I am allowing my body to take the next 2 days off from the gym IF I can stick to liquids ONLY for the remainder of the weekend. Be it coffee, juice, coke, water, flavored water, tea... doesn't matter. I'll try to stay under 250 calories, but if it's a choice between more liquid calories or food, I'm going with liquid. Liquid, liquid, and more liquid. Only liquid.

I refuse, however, to lay around this house moping about how hungry I am, or how tired, or pathetic I am for not going to the gym for two straight days. Distractions will keep me busy, keep me moving, keep me burning. And there's plenty of business to get out there and attend to.

I've got friends to catch up with. The potential for 4th of July celebrations. Church either tonight or tomorrow morning, depending on the conscensus of the carpool. A friend who "desperately" needs help to make every little decision regarding her upcoming move out-of-state. I still have to find those damned red-white-and-blue sprinkles, and I need to make those desserts.

And everywhere I'll go, there will be coffee. Glorious, sensuous, beautiful coffee. I wonder how many lattes on an empty stomach it takes to raise your heart rate?

I know the overload of caffeine is damaging to my internal organs. Yadda yadda. There was a time when I cared, and carefully kept tabs on how much I had ingested on any given day. That was a time when I was counting milligrams of caffeine; now I am counting grams of fat and carbs, and those always detestable CALORIES.

No more sitting here. Out of this house with my fat-ass!

Friday, June 29, 2007

Day 12 of the great 34-day fast. End of day.

What a crazy day. I haven't yet decided if it was a good day or a bad day. I'll know for sure when I step on the scale in the morning.

Food shopping gives me the shakes, literally. I spent two and a half hours poring over labels and wringing my hands over decisions, and only bought 19 items. This is my twisted way of seeing the world. Now I know I'm back into my eating disorder full swing.

Or am I? I went shopping for the purpose of buying all kinds of ingredients for 4th of July desserts. While I was there, I opted to go ahead and do my market "research" on what I'll be buying in the future, trying to find all the sub-100 calorie items. Too many of them ended up in my fucking shopping trolley!!!

- 24 sugar-free popsicles. Ok, this is supposed to be for the 4th of July parties, I'm not actually counting on eating them before then.
- 2 white cake mixes, 4 sticks of margarine - dessert ingredients
- Quaker Mini Delights, Cinnamon Streusel flavor 90-cal packs. This I bought more for Sheena than for myself. We had JUST been having a discussion about how not to eat the whole bag of rice cakes in one sitting, and I suggested what I used to do: open the bag, take out one serving, and close the bag again before the first one ever goes in your mouth. Well, the company wised up and did it for us! Not only that, but they flavored it with SIN-ammon, one of my weaknesses. Ugh.
- 4 rectangle tupperware dishes and a bag of diced walnuts - dessert ingredients
- Progresso French Onion soup. Honest to God, I was looking for Minestrone! I found so many sites that said it was "100 calories" per serving, but nowhere could I find single serving options. I know myself, and I know damn well, if I open a can of soup, I'm not going to stop with just HALF of it. The ONLY soup I could find in the entire fucking aisle that had no more than 100 calories in the can was this one.
- Campbell's Soup-at-hands: 2 Italian style wedding, and 1 blended vegetable medley. Jesus, just the thought of meat and pasta particles makes me drool. These single serving cups are 100 calories a piece. I am amazed that 10 oz of soup can be lower-cal than 8 oz of fruit juice. What the hell am I doing on this damned juice fast???
- Blueberry and Cherry pie filling - dessert ingredients
- Sweet gherkin pickles. Now, again, I had come to understand that you can go through an entire jar of these CALORIE-FREE if you pick the right ones. Once again I looked at the label of every single jar on the aisle and only ONE satisfied me. I did have some tough criteria though: it had to be 0 calories per serving, not chips, and it had to be sugar-free. I also justify this as a planned binge. I will keep it in my room on a shelf until I plan to binge on it. Then I will have to take the time to put it in the fridge and wait for it to get cold before I dive in. That's just how I eat 'em.
- Kraft Organic Raspberry Vinaigrette. No, balsamic (although much lower in calories) will not do. Again, had to be lowest-cal possible and sugar-free. This one out of all of them fit the bill.
- bag of mini-pretzels: for the dessert

And then, this is when the shaking started to get out of control. I really wanted to find red-white-and-blue sprinkles for my desserts, but there were none - ANYWHERE in the entire store. It's the singlemost patriotic fucking day of the year people! Where the hell are my red-white-and-blue sprinkles!?! How the hell am I supposed to present this dessert at a fucking FOURTH OF JULY PARTY if it's only WHITE???!!!!

I had decided to proceed to the checkout when I passed the jello aisle. I had to stop for "research." I ended up with a 4-pack of sugar-free strawberry-orange cups. Hell, if I eat all four at once, it'll set me back 20 calories. And again, I'll have to think ahead enough to refrigerate them.

I also had to pass through the produce aisle on my way out, and the salad was screaming at me from the shelf, "Come get me! It's a FREE meal!!" There were people around, so I had to fight the urge to scream back at it, "Shut the hell up and leave me alone! I'll be back next week for you!" Nope, I stopped.

Dole's Spring Mix is a beautiful ready-to-eat blend of baby lettuces, greens, endive & radicchio (my favorite). Sooooo negligible in nutritional value that it didn't even have a LABEL. Into the trolley it jumped.

And as I rushed toward the cashier with a new fervor, my heart began to race with the anticipation of reaching home. My new vinaigrette was sneering at me, irresistible. I looked at the label again. On today's menu, I still have yet to have my 160-cal Starbucks latte on the way to the gym. In order to eat 160 calories of this stuff, I'd have to eat (do the math) a half-cup!!!

....thinking...
"You can't let that salad go bad. It only takes a day."
....fighting...
"Today is supposed to be juice only! It's bad enough I'm eating 1/2 cup of cereal after my workout."
....heart pounding with the temptation of FOOD versus coffee...

Done.

I don't really remember checking out, or how much I sped all the way home. Usually I would make several trips to the car to bring all the bags in; more trips = more calories burnt. But this time, I muscled them all in with one trip. I threw the bags down on the front table, took the popsicles to the freezer, the butter to the fridge (the only perishables) poured out a 1/2 cup of vinaigrette into a measuring cup, tore open the bag of salad, grabbed a handfull, dipped it straight into the measuring cup and shoved it into my mouth. It was like eating a fucking hamburger!!!

No fork, no bowl, so primitive. I reached for handful #2... and my roommate walks in the front door. SHIT! "Hey, hon! Didn't expect you home so early!" She's had a long day at work and after half-heartedly acknowledging me, mercifully heads straight for the bathroom. I grabbed the measuring cup and the bag of lettuce, and as many other grocery bags as I could handle and booked it upstairs to my room.

Handful by handful, hunched over the cup and bag like a vulture, I polished off the entire five-ounce bag of greens in a 10-minute sitting. Dipping, shaking off the excess, nearly reaching orgasm from the frantic pace of the unplanned binge and the adrenaline of almost being caught.

Here's the advantage of dipping straight from the measuring cup: when the greens were all gone, there was still 2.5 ounces of dressing left in the cup. 80 calories I mephistophically enjoyed slogging down the drain. This could mean only one thing: coffee is now not ENTIRELY out of the question.

I always get the Venti at Starbucks. If I'm going to spend that much fucking money for a damn cup of coffee, then fill it up! However, I am also well aware that a venti of my favorite drink is 160 calories, a grande is 130 calories, and a tall is 90 calories. While this tall coffee would put me 10 calories over my previously intended limit for the day, it still leaves me under 400.

Done.

Knowing that I am going to need a full 4 hours at the gym (which closes in 5 hours) to burn all this shit off, I waste no time getting dressed, packing my bag, and getting the hell out of the house.

God still has funny ways of looking out for my best interests. If it were up to me at that point, in my crazed state, I would have flown through downtown at twice the speed limit. But as they'll be shooting fireworks tonight, half of downtown's streets are blocked off, and traffic is crawling.

Sigh.

At this point, I am MANIC. I check my watch, I check the radio's clock, I check every clock I pass... as if I can power the time to slow, or the traffic to move by knowing the time. I have brought my book so I can sit and leisurely enjoy the coffee as it enters my bloodstream, but now there is no time. I plan to drive-thru.

I'm always worried that the baristas at Starbucks will recognize me when I order the same drink every single day. I often attempt to go to alternate locations at differing times to avoid this stigma of "she's addicted." (Though, I clearly am.) Luckily, the girl at the drive-thru today is new. Unfortunately, that means she's also slow.

I cut off at least two people as I attempted to slog down the coffee while maniacally driving the short mile-and-a-half to the gym. (Looking back now I realize, never once did I consider the danger to myself or others, or the fact that by now, my nerves don't even really NEED this coffee I fought so hard for.)

I get to the gym at 5:45. I need to workout from 6 pm until 10 pm. There is seven minutes left in the song in my cd player, and the coffee's not quite gone. I park, turn the ignition to shut off the car but leave on the player, pull out my book (ah! a wave of relief as the plan has not been entirely altered!) and read til the song is over and the cup is empty.

By 5:55, I'm on the treadmill.

I am so exuberantly happy that I am laughing out loud at the nonsense on the television. People on adjacent treadmills are staring at me for being so loud. They can hear me through their own headphones. I CARE NOT. I feel like I've just gotten away with murder. I feel clever, powerful, energized, and I don't give a flying fuck what the world thinks of me.

Three hours later, I have reached that 1500 calories-burned threshold, and my poor body knows it. Still, I have a little less than an hour that the gym is open, so I opt to force myself through one more half-hour on the treadmill, albeit at a slightly lesser pace.

In the four hours I've had to crank out 14+ miles and THINK and listen to my body, I realize that I've not had a day where I burned less than 1000 calories at the gym in almost a week. My body NEEDS a break, or it will break.

I have decided that if I can reach Sunday's weight goal by Saturday morning, I will deserve to have Saturday off from the gym. I can find other ways of staying busy, and still burning calories. They just won't be counted calories, like my elliptical tells me. I bump up the speed on my final treadmill trek to make sure I reach that goal.

God, my body hurts. Ana chides, "Well, getting thin is painful! Wanna quit? Fine - stay fat!!!" I don't want to admit it, but my body desperately needs that break. In six consecutive days, I have travelled 64+ belted miles. Please Lord (I begin to pray) let me wake up xxx pounds tomorrow so I can have a day off from the gym. Please Lord, let me wake up xxx pounds tomorrow so I can have a day off from the gym. Please Lord,... I start sing-songing it in my head to the beat of my own feet.

At 9:45, the first set of lights goes off to remind us that it's time to clean up and head home. I'm done anyway. I have burned 1621 calories, and travelled 14.57 miles in less than 4 hours. It doesn't take a mathematician to figure out that I have burned more than 4 TIMES the amount of calories I ingested today.

THAT is the justification for having eaten solid food on a designated "juice-fast" day.

When I step off the treadmill, hand on my still-too-fat belly bulge, I'm not even a little bit hungry. But my heart is about to pound out of my chest, so I take my time getting back to the locker room. Lord help me - if I faint right here, the game will be over too soon.

But halfway through the drive home, it hit me - Rice Krispies! The planned bowl of 1/2 cup of Rice krispies and 1/2 cup of fat-free milk as an 88-calorie recovery treat for my stinging muscle tissue. Still not hungry, but more of a feeling of "I've earned it; I deserve it."

And then another thought. The devil's advocate creeps into my twisted imagination. "You know, you could have a FULL cup of cereal and a FULL cup of milk, and still have achieved a significant defecit of calories for the day." Ana butts in, "Hell no!! You don't NEED it. You're only cheating yourself, and you WON'T reach that early goal."

Thank God my roommates were out when I got home. I only had the half-portion.

Took my shower, rambled upstairs, and sat down to check the facebook. Couldn't wait to tell Sheena about the rice cakes and... oops, one of them wormed it's way out of the box and into my lap and peeled open. Ooh, look! There's even a single chocolate one in here by mistake. Blech - it tastes absolutely chocolate-FREE. But the cinnamon streusel is DIVINE.

DAMNIT. Entered on the excel chart, that brings my total daily intake to 488 calories. Now I have only burned more than THREE TIMES what I consumed. DAMNIT. If I don't meet my early goal tomorrow, I will have only myself to blame as I agonize through another 1000 calories on the treadmill.

Please, Lord. Help me. I'm still fat, I'm not sick. The only fat I can see shrinking is my boobs - why always THERE first??? I want to see my ladder. I want to see my ribcage through my back. I want to see a space between my thighs.

Please, Lord. I hurt so bad... Please Lord, let me wake up xxx pounds tomorrow so I can have a day off from the gym.
Day 12 of the great 34-day fast. Afternoon

One-third of the way through, and I've lost six of the anticipated 16 pounds. Barely ahead of the curve.

I only lost 1.5 pounds this morning, instead of the two I was aiming for, so as much as I wanted a day off from the gym, I think I'm going back for another torturous four-hour session of straight cardio. I'm going to try to burn 1500 calories today.

Yesterday's plan of action filled up my day pretty well, kept me on track with eating. Today my body is still begging for a day off from the gym. I am sorry I cannot oblige. But I can alter the routine a bit to give it a long rest after yesterday.

Today:
- sleep til 10 or 11; if I wake up too early, read in bed until early afternoon
- before the rumbling hunger gets too bad, one bottle of juice - sip it
- finish the post about preparing for 4th of July to the fasting group
- do some research on what desserts I'm going to fry up for my own party next week
- make a shopping list for me, a separate shopping list for desserts
- if hunger returns before I can leave the house, one pickle spear and 1 coke zero
- go food shopping
- bring food items home, pack for the gym
- take book to starbucks and enjoy my daily latte
- kick ass for four hours (or 1500 calories) at the gym (whichever comes first)
- home, recovery reward: 1/2 cup Rice Krispies, 1/2 cup fat-free milk
- shower, get ready for bed
- blog til I get tired, sipping flavored water for the day

So far this afternoon... 140 calories in, 248 left to go. Off to the shopping, Starbucks, and the gym.
Day 11 of the great 34-day fast. One-third of the way there!!!

FINALLY! I behaved for one day. I actually burned 700 extra calories at the gym today; that is, 700 more calories than I consumed all of today.

Ok, so I cheated a bit. I think these super-heavy workouts are the downfall that's leading to these crazy binges. The extreme deficit of calories is no match for my willpower, and when all the carbs are gone yet I still force myself to keep going on the treadmill, my body tries to shut down, all my muscles go weak, and my stomach is relentless. Unfortunately, this has led to some big binges in the past five or six days, nearly 1000 calories some days.

So today I made PLANS to cheat, just a little. Not so much that I can't burn off at least twice that at the gym, but just enough to be able to look forward to, so my body is fooled into thinking I'm not depriving it. I've been doing some research on "snacks under 100 calories" and "the best post-workout snacks." Luckily, something came up in common that's already in my kitchen, no extra spending required.

The plan for the day was this:
- sleep in as long as possible (more hours asleep = less hours to be hungry)
- sip my one bottle of juice for breakfast on the way to the gym (some calories to get the metabolism going)
- Workout at least 1000 calories (since I'm planning to consume nearly 400); drink 1 liter of plain water in the process
- Come home and have 1/2 cup Rice Krispies cereal with 1/2 cup fat-free milk (total: 88 calories) as a recovery treat; apparently the combo of carbs and protein helps muscle recovery and keeps your body out of "Omigod! where did all the carbs go?!?" panic mode.
- take my shower (which always makes me feel a little better)
- do some online research and blogging while enjoying a no-cal Coke Zero
- get primped and ready for work tonight while sipping on a no-cal flavored water; infuse the second half of that bottle with some Metamucil fiber powder for a laxative effect
- Grab Starbucks on the way out to work for a last minute boost
- work it, work it, work it at work! Do not taste-test ANYTHING!!!
- come home and journal my day on this blog

And ladies, I DID IT. Ok, so it's one day, I don't deserve a lifetime achievement award or anything. But it's the first GOOD day I've had in about four days.

Now all that remains to be seen is if, in the morning, I have taken off not only the scheduled one pound I'm supposed to drop by tomorrow, but also the one pound I fucking GAINED after messing up the last few days.

Check back tomorrow morning - I'll leave a quick post to let you know what the scale says.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Day 10 of the great 34-day fast.

Bad day. Can I just say. Bad FUCKING day.

Today was supposed to be day one of the first 5-day juice fast within the grand scheme of the 34-day fast. I don't know, maybe I worked too hard at the gym last night (my ana says: shut the fuck up! is there ever such a thing as working TOO hard???), or maybe the boredom of today's blah weather got to me.

I was doing alright. Didn't wake up til 10:30 this morning - the more hours you spend asleep, the less hours you have to deal with feeling hungry. And thank GOD - I lost that one pound I was aiming for! I'm now down to last year's low weight - hooray!!! Now if I can just lose ten more in the next twenty-four days... that shouldn't be too hard. That's less than half-a-pound per day!

Well, this positive attitude was not running through my veins this afternoon. I was trying to put off the one caloric-intake item I had planned for today (130 calories of grapefruit juice) as long as possible, and maybe think about taking a day off from the gym.

What a stupid idea; I should have known better.

No, instead I was feeling weak and shaky by 4 pm and decided to hit the gym after a quick trip to Starbucks. And on my way out the door, my roommate and her visiting mom walked in and begged me to stay to try her "famous" French Onion Soup. Damnit. They know damn well I've got NO food in the fridge, nothing but flavored water, bottled water, and juice. Maybe it's the paranoia, but I swear they're looking at me with suspicion.

I wasn't sly enough to get out of it. And my weak muscles started SCREAMING at me to just have a bite or two and then make my excuses and get straightaway to the gym, no Starbucks. Ana's voice said, "A few bites won't be too bad, and they'll give you the energy you need to stop feeling weak and actually be of some USE on the treadmill."

As ladies will do, they chatted with me incessantly until, before I knew it I was at the bottom of the bowl. How the hell did that happen!!! Damn, it's going to be a hard time at the gym. But if you have to find a silver lining - I didn't feel weak anymore. Damnit. And now they can't argue that I "never eat."

(See, unfortunately, I'm not the sort of anoretic who craves the hunger pain. Instead I crave the CONTROL. But usually that control doesn't kick in until AFTER the fact, when I'm pushing my heart to its limits at the gym to make up for my caloric mistakes.)

Imagine my shock when I discovered that that tiny bowl of broth-based soup (albeit with croutons and cheese) has 300 fucking calories!!! Damnit!!!!

I was cursing at myself out loud the whole way to the gym. It was ana's voice screaming at me: "You stupid bitch! What the hell were you thinking??? Could you not come up with ONE creative lie to get yourself out of this mess, out of the house??? THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A JUICE FAST DAY!!!!!!"

The feeling of being full made me nauseous. Unfortunately, not quite nauseous enough to naturally purge it. However, after eating two days in a row, I felt another sensation that I hadn't felt in a little over a week - I had to GO.

It wasn't pretty. Guess that saltwater flush is still working. Too bad that's YESTERDAY's already digested mistake.

Feeling a little less full, I got started on the treadmill. Still nauseous, it took a half-hour there and a half-hour on the elliptical before I got up to my normal speed. But after that, I gradually kept stepping it up for the rest of the night (especially when the thinspirational "So You Think You Can Dance?" came on!) until I eventually burned a total of 1170 calories.

Daily total intake: 430.
Daily total output: 1170. Plus I rearranged my bedroom this morning. That counts for a few more.

So hopefully my mistake was only enough to keep me at my current weight. Damn! I was so friggin' happy to have achieved my last-year's-low-weight!!! Shouldn't that have been thinspiration enough???

Ideally, I'll be half-a-pound thinner tomorrow. But the satieted feeling in my stomach says otherwise.

I don't crave the feeling of being hungry. I just crave the feeling of being EMPTY.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Day 9 of the great 34-day fast. End of day.

Well, today being the only eating day this week, my stomach got a little carried away. I wanted something extra on the way to my audition this morning, and debated a long time on whether to get Starbucks or not. In the end I capitulated for the sake of the caffiene, justifying to myself that it would make me perkier for the audition. Tag 160 calories onto the tally.

The audition came and went. Then on the way home, my stomach said, "I cannot wait until 8 pm tonight AFTER the gym for 100 calories of yogurt." My ana argued back, "I don't have the money to stop for food, so shut the hell up!" My stomach rumbled harder. Fine. I got $1 McChicken just to shut it up, knowing that as soon as I got home and looked up the calorie-count online, that I'd be paying for it at the gym.

Yup... kill me, please. That's 360 calories I had NOT planned for. I immediately set my plan for the gym. I must burn at least DOUBLE what I (will have) consumed for the day (after the yogurt, will be a total of 710 calories). NO WIMPING OUT. You've got a fucking burger in you... that should be enough energy to fuel you for hours...

And it did take HOURS. I got to the gym at 3pm, my yummy yogurt beckoning for me in the fridge at home. Four hours later, I had been on the treadmill four half-hours and the elliptical three half-hours, for a grand total of 1451 calories burned. Tired, yes. Able to do more? Probably. But I have to get the yogurt in before 8 pm to stay true to the next fast.

Tomorrow is day one of the first five-day juice fast. I'm going to try SO DAMN HARD to be true to this one the entire time, as the following five-day fast will be snidely interrupted by a commercial shoot, a Fourth of July party, and a friend's family reunion that I haven't quite wiggled out of yet.

I could make a rule-of-thumb out of this "burn twice as much as you consume" philosophy. It would be incentive not to eat, so I don't have to spend quite so long at the gym making up for it. I could burn off one bottle of juice in one half-hour on the elliptical. But more bits of food will give me more energy to do more exercise... it's a tough call.

Well, at any rate, there is now NO food in my house. I finished the last veggie burger this morning, and only bought the one yogurt this afternoon. All I have left in the fridge is pom/cran juice, grapefruit juice, and flavored water. If I want something to eat for the next few days, I'm going to have to want it bad enough to go out of my way to get it. Better to take on a second helping of juice rather than eat anything solid.

Hopefully tonight's yogurt redeposited some of those "good bacteria" that I flushed out with yesterday's saltwater treatment. My weight had not budged this morning - DAMNIT - but by the feeling of emptiness in my waist area now, I'm truly believing that another pound will be gone tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow, nothing to do all day but putz around the house. Might take a 5-mile hike in the park for distraction and exercise. Grapefruit juice for the day - yum! And a metabolism-booster too!

If I've lost that one pound, it'll be a good day. If I haven't... there'll be hell to pay.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Day 8 of the great 34-day fast. Afternoon.

I'm fucking FREEZING. I can't tell anymore if it's the weather (it's 72 degrees outside) or if it's just the lack of food.

Just did my first saltwater flush, and now I'm thirsty and freezing! Drank the quart of water in 4 cups. The first cup was great, might as well have been sipping chicken noodle soup broth. The second cup was ok, but after a week of not eating, the fullness was upsetting. The third cup was starting to make me nauseous, and I forced down the fourth cup just to get it in within the half-hour.

I laid down on my right side for a half-hour, as prescribed, and read a book for distraction. Like clockwork, at 1 hour after the first sip, I noticed a need for the toilet. I sat there for 45-minutes spewing all the waste I have left after a week of fasting. And now I'm so cold!!! Immediately I was thirsty - guess I still had that salty taste in my mouth and I needed desperately to rinse it out. So I've had my juice for the day. Took me less than 10 minutes to slog down 3 cups of diluted pomegranate/cranberry juice.

I would like to go to the gym later today, so I hope the toilet duties will be done here within the next hour or so. My body aches from shivering so hard!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Day 7 of the great 34-day fast. Afternoon.

Just finished up a FABULOUS four-and-a-half-hour cardio blast workout at the gym! Huzzah! Goodbye sushi binge! And all I've had today is water, water, and more water. And it's going to stay that way until at least 8 am tomorrow morning, when I'll only allow myself 1 serving of juice all day.

Maybe it's last night's calories still lingering, but I haven't felt hungry at all today. It could also be from the distraction of working out. I wish I knew more about how ketones work... I woke up and didn't even think about eating. I spent about an hour just moving around my room, getting little stuff taken care of all morning. Then, I got dressed for the gym, went downstairs, brushed my teeth, grabbed my water, and headed out.

I was alternating from the treadmill to the elliptical every half-hour. The first hour I watched the William & Harry interview with Matt Lauer - great distraction, yummy hunks with tragic stories. Then for the next two hours I caught a marathon of Simple Life Goes to Camp - yay, thinspiration! Omigod - I nearly threw up when those obese people came jello-plopping off the bus. :::shiver:::

About ten minutes into my seventh half-hour, one of the gym's trainers hopped up on the treadmill next to me and said, "Wow! You are doing some marathon training, aren't you?" I looked at her like I didn't have a clue what she was talking about... Lord help me if they catch me and kick me out for what I'm doing. I plan to do this a lot. I told her no, I'd only been here for about an hour - thank God I'm an actress. "Oh, well, there must have been someone else dressed just like you..." She looked confused enough to be second-guessing herself and I sighed with relief. Discovery averted.

Another 90-minutes later, I felt completely satisfied that I had burned off more calories today than I had consumed last night. I realize that, because of the time difference, the one does not exactly negate the other. All I want is to be thinner tomorrow than I was yesterday (before the binge). Which is thinspiration enough to keep me on target today.

I find it strange that I'm not even a little bit hungry. I thought if you broke a fast (especially with a binge) that the first day BACK to fasting would be as hard as the first day you started fasting. But that hasn't turned out to be the case. Thank God.

And I'm surprised I'm not more exhausted. I'm thinking I might get cleaned up and head out to the bookstore. I've been wanting to check out "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher and "Best Little Girl..." I've always heard about these books, but I'm always so reluctant to jump on the bandwagon. But now I feel like I have loads of time to spare....

I'll probably also go out and get next week's menu: one 100-cal yogurt and one serving of vegetables (150 cals or less). Being dirt-poor, I'm gonna stick to the two fruit juices I have until I finish them, one serving at a time. Blech. I'm already bored... maybe I'll look for some single serving V8's just for the sake of fucking VARIETY.

Alrighty, off to the bookstore before it closes. Toodaloo!
Day 7 of the great 34-day fast. Morning.

NUMBERS. My whole fucked-up-ED-world revolves around NUMBERS.

Thank God I'm only up half-a-pound today, after last night's abhorrent scene. I never felt the 4 laxatives kick in, so I can still feel the meal sitting at the pit of my bulging stomach. Ugh - nothing feels more beautiful than an empty CONCAVE stomach. I HATE this full feeling.

Last night, I ate more calories in ONE sitting than I had taken in ALL WEEK. WTF???!!! Without that meal, I could have averaged 180 calories per day. Instead, I averaged 400. What the hell was I thinking?

Well, I'm done crying over the spilled milk. This little episode is going to stick to my memory and be my own source of thinspiration every time I am tempted to eat from now on. Not even my dear sushi is worth THIS much worry and grief.

Or the brutal punishment I'm about to put myself through. Today, against my own rules, I'm going to take in only water. Not ONE SINGLE CALORIE is permitted today. And I have 11 hours that the gym will be open (I may have to go twice) in which I must burn off at least 1500 calories. More would be great, but with no calories for energy, it's going to be a slow process.

But I will persevere! It's worth it to get off not only the half-pound I gained today, but another full pound for good measure.

I am now back to the exact weight I was when I got hired for my ship last year. There's no way I'm going to fuck that up before my next ship. The lower I can be at the start of rehearsals (when they start watching me eat), the lower I'll be when they first weigh me in once I'm onboard. And that's all I'll have to maintain.

OFF TO THE GYM WITH MY WRETCHED FAT SELF!!!

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Day 6 of the great 34-day fast.

Today was going along SOOOO well. And then I fucked it all up by going out with a friend to dinner.

I'm a sucker for sushi. I have willpower against all other food except sushi and coffee. Tonight at church I was praising God for how good He has been to me this week, granting me the grace and strength to resist all sorts of temptations. (I even baked another three batches of Rice Krispies Treats tonight, and didn't so much as put one single kernel in my mouth!)

But after church I was wired! Don't know why. I've been going through this roller coaster energy ride. Some moments I feel so dead tired that I think I'm going to pass out. An hour or so later, I'm flying so high I think my feet are literally not touching the ground. It seems to correspond to social situations more than eating situations.

At any rate, my carpool dropped off my friend "A" at his house, and then my other friend "S" mentioned she was a little hungry. "A" told us that our favorite sushi place was just around the corner, and my eyes lit up. I wasn't even hungry!!! But I am powerless to sushi. So "S" and I went to get sushi dinner.

What a pig! I ate a sunomono salad of salmon on a bed of rice noodles with vinegar sauce, a spicy tuna roll, an alaska roll, and a tiger roll. That's like 1000 calories!!!! DAMNIT!!!

Even as I put each piece into my mouth, I was picturing how long I am going to have to spend at the gym tomorrow to burn it all off. It's going to take about four or five hours, at least, to burn off today's calories and tomorrow's juice.

OMIGOD!!! I think I'm going to slit my wrists in the morning when that number on the scale goes UP instead of down!!! Damnit! Omigod! I almost don't want to wake up! I don't want to see it! What the hell have I done???

I'm so scared. Shitless. Ooooh, that reminds me. If I take a load of laxatives now, maybe I can get rid of this sooner than the gym...

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Ok... done. A double dose down the hatch. Jesus, how I wish I could go to the fucking gym right this very second. I've got SOOOOO much energy to burn, just from hating myself. Well, that and the calories now invading every cell of my body. Ugh! I HATE this full feeling!!!!!!

The gym opens at 7 am. That's not for another seven hours! I don't really want to sleep on these calories, but if I don't sleep, I'll be dead on the treadmill tomorrow....

Ugh. God, please let these laxatives kick in soon. I've got to get rid of this, but I REALLY don't want to have to purge...

Ok, I admit it...
I am weak. I am pathetic.
I am a fat slob with no self-control.
Tomorrow I shouldn't even allow myself juice - only water. I just might do that.
I am not worthy to be thinner tomorrow than I am today.
I am sorry, Ana... I let you down. I deserve my punishment.

Oh, God! What if it's more than just one pound?? Jesus God, what if it's two!!! I am such a fat fucking whore! What the hell is wrong with me?!? What the hell was I thinking???

This is exactly what I warned my facebook girls about. "When bad foods tempt you, put it on a 'cheat day' list and walk away!" Damnit! No wonder they don't post, I'm a horrible leader, a terrible example.

Girls... I don't blame you. Not that I ever did. I am a pathetic loser. I wish I had your support to help me against these decisions, but I can understand why you've disappeared. I am not worthy to lead your fast.

Everyone falls off the wagon though, right? Am I the only one? Tomorrow is a brand new day. Tomorrow is a chance to start over, start fresh, start RENEWED. Tomorrow I will stay at the gym and not stop until I have burned over 1000 calories on cardio machines, plus weightlifting. Tomorrow I might weigh MORE than I did today. :::sob:::

But I swear, just for tomorrow, ONLY WATER. Then Monday, only one bottle of juice. No more eating til Tuesday.

Ana, my love. Please... please, forgive me.
Day 6 of the great 34-day fast. Morning.

Down half-a-pound this morning. Yay.

Depressed. No one's posting on the facebook group. Boo.

Think I'll have a coffee today on the way to my audition. Who's watching? Plllb.

Audition this morning and church this evening. Don't think I'll have time to make it to the gym this afternoon. Oh well, maybe some weightlifting at home. Grrrr.

::::sound of a balloon deflating:::: Pssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

Friday, June 22, 2007

Day 5 of the great 34-day fast.

Despite yesterday's great folly with the rice krispie treats, I was down by a half-pound this morning. Thank you, Jesus! Today was a little better. Hardly ANY hunger pains. A little easier to moderate with food, and a little more distraction to keep me busy.

Woke up this morning after only sleeping about five hours. Had my 90-cal veggie burger at about 10:30 am. Delivered my treats to a friend's house already dressed and ready to head to the gym. Was working out by noon.

Worked out for three solid hours - hooray! Two hours of cardio and 1 hour of weightlifting in circuit (half-hour treadmill, half-hour weightlifting, half-hour elliptical, half-hour weightlifting, half-hour elliptical, half-hour weightlifting, half-hour treadmill). It feels so good to be back in a REAL gym doing a FULL workout!!! With no one watching me, no one judging me, no one whispering behind my back, "She's overdoing it again..."

Just me, my bottle of water and the machines. Oh and televisions!!! Ha ha! What a great distraction to the pain of exercising on a nearly empty stomach! Yes, today's workout felt good, and burned a little over 700 calories. Can anyone tell me why an elliptical machine supposedly burns SOOO many more calories per mile than any other machine? Is it because you're moving your arms too?

Came home and made plans to go out with friends tonight as I cut up my apple with ground cinnamon. One friend is moving, so I got to do some heavy lifting and lots of stairs there, worked up a bit of a sweat. And met with another friend at a cafe where I smoothly sipped my cup of ice water while watching her wolf down a salad drenched in Ranch and a breadbowl of potato/sausage soup. Uggggggh. Turns my stomach just thinking about it.

I find it completely AMAZING how, just a few days ago, I thought I'd die from the pain of hunger. But now just thinking about food that I haven't spent a long time planning for, makes me nauseous. I look at a piece of bread and instead of dreamily thinking "mmmm" while my mouth waters, I'm thinking, "refined carbs!!! no!!!!" as I panic and my stomach turns.

I think that's what the "ketones" do in your body. They curb the hungry feeling and naturally suppress your appetite for bad foods. I'm having no problems eating the things I've planned, but that's fruits and vegetables. Lord knows, if I tried eating a ham sandwich right now, with complex carbs in the white bread, sodium-filled lunchmeat, and processed cheese, it probably wouldn't go over too well with my stomach, or else my bowels.

Hooray! No more hunger! Now only blissfully dwindling numbers to look forward to each morning!!!

I'll be real pissed if tomorrow's number isn't at least a half-pound lower than today. I worked damn hard, despite that I willfully put 180 calories in my body. But, it gives me great peace to know that I have three more juice-fast days coming up now, and I'm signed up to be able to go the gym anytime I want for as long as I want - no questions asked. Hurray!!!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Day 4 of the great 34-day fast.

DAMNIT!!!!!! I hate myself so much right now!

Even my stomach is rebelling. After having not eaten for almost two full days, and only ten hours away from tomorrow's breakfast, I had to go and stick my finger in my mouth! Damnit!!!!!! I'm so mad at myself, it makes me feel like puking. (No, of course I won't do it on purpose, but I'm hoping the stress alone will stir those acids enough to make it come back naturally.)

I have a group of friends that I wanted to thank in a special way. So I made a motherload of Rice Krispies Treats for them (well over 100!). I thought I could divert the temptation with loud music and lots of water, but I slipped and licked my finger just once. Damnit!!!!

So far, all I'd had today was one bottle of diluted cran/rasp juice (130 cals) and a Starbucks latte (160 cals). The Starbucks was lamentable, but turned out to have been necessary for the 2nd audition (which, btw, I NAILED).

So, for the day I was already up to 290 cals... WAY over the juice-fast limit! Damnit!!!!

But then without even thinking, while fixing up these treats, I burned my finger, and my automated response was to stick it in my mouth. Damnit!!! Omigod - I can't believe how much I hate myself for this! Even ONE calorie of food breaks the juice-fast... damnit!!!

Well, if you can't tell, my resolve to be stronger on this fast from now on is HUGE. Nothing compares to hating myself this much. It was NOT worth it for that little taste! Nothing compares to being thin! Nothing compares to knowing you have the willpower to overcome things like hunger and food! Nothing compares to the euphoria of weighing yourself and seeing that number dwindle each day!

Today: 300 calories in. Tomorrow: no work to look forward to, only one small errand to run, so that means a long, hard day at the gym. Too bad I have to sleep on this 300, as the gym's already closed tonight. GRRRRRR! But I will do some weightlifting before bed, that ought to help a little.

It's tough to be a leader on this fast when my own flesh is weak. And I was even down a pound this morning - that, in itself, should have been incentive!

Tomorrow, I will wake up and not be surprised if I'm the same weight, or (God help me!) even more. I think I'll have the veggie burger first, then head out to the gym for the day. I can deliver the treats on the way. Then, just before the gym slays me, I'll trudge back home, take my shower, cut up my apple, and eat one slice at a time each half-hour until 8 pm. After that, a 3-day juice-fast to look forward to!

And this time I WILL ABSOLUTELY STICK TO IT!!!!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Day 3 of the great 34-day fast.

I've had a better "first day" than the first-day fast. My stomach only rumbled once before giving in to the notion that I am NOT going to answer it's call. And I never once felt weak until about halfway through this evening's hike. But even that's cleared up now that I've had a good shower...

Unfortunately, when I woke up today I weighed the same as yesterday. Well... maybe half a pound less, it's hard to tell since my scale is a dial and not digital, and five feet away is a long way to focus that early in the morning...

But I decided to start today with some grapefruit juice (130 cals, diluted 1:2) to kick start the metabolism, and it felt great! I didn't start coming off the energy spike until about 5 pm, so just when I thought I was going to have another weak moment, I decided to go for a walk. I put on some shorts and flip-flops, and headed out the door with no real aim. I had my keys, my cell phone, a bottle of water, and my pedometer.

An hour later I was on a hiking trail in the city park! I didn't know it was so close by to where I live. And the trails were so beautiful! All the sounds of the city are somehow blotted out by just a few feet of trees. All you can hear are birds and trickling water, and the sounds of the twigs crunching under your feet.

Well, before I knew it, I'd gone 3 miles. I wasn't really sure where I was headed, but I knew I was headed away from the house. No matter... I figured the trail would eventually turn, but if it didn't, I'd turn back at 7 pm, to try to get home by dark.

Luckily, the trail came out on a road right at about 7 pm, and I headed back in the direction of home. (Next time, I will opt for tennis shoes instead of these damn flip-flops - my right heel is killing me!) I guess the road was a more direct path, because it only took me 45 minutes to get home. I'd gone 5 1/4 miles in a little over two hours. Not bad for an empty stomach!

I am trying desperately not to reach for the second bottle of juice standing by in the fridge. I have GOT to get some lower-cal vegetable options! I would like to save the fruit juices for the mornings, as the higher sugar seems to give my energy a little kick. I think the vegetable juices would give me the substance I need to settle down for the night.

Tomorrow starts out early... another two auditions. Hope to have some cranberry/apple on the way out there, but if I still feel wrecked before the second audition (higher paying = more important!) I may have to break down and do the Starbucks thing again. After which, I will have to kick my ass working out tomorrow night.

My ladies in the facebook fast group have been SOOOOO tremendously helpful to me! Willpower is the foundation of discipline, but the task is made easier by knowing you've got 20 people counting on your leadership!

We're halfway through the 2-day fast! Hurray!

............................................................................

P.S. As I got out of the shower just now, soaking wet with a towel still wrapped around my head, I got curious and stepped on the scale. Same weight as this morning - only while soaking wet! So hopefully I WILL be thinner tomorrow than I am today. ;)

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Day TWO of the great 34-day fast.

Now that the worst is over, the hunger pains have subsided! Or maybe it's the fact that I got in a GREAT workout tonight. I wasn't thinking about food, I was concentrating on just keeping going - my job depends on it. Either way, right now my hormones or something has got me flying!!!

I got my veggie burger (90 cals) right at noon, which was perfect. I went to my audition this afternoon and it was real easy. It felt great having a practically empty stomach... it made my outfit feel like it fit really well. Oh - an empty stomach feels soooooooo good!!!!

And by the way... the veggie burger tasted ok, but afterwards I had the taste lingering in my mouth. So I used some of my Crest mouthwash to rinse it out, and the aftertaste that stuff left was WRETCHED! It was like soap or chemicals - blech! So I drank like a liter of water within the next hour just trying to get rid of that aftertaste. Ugh... makes me NOT want to eat again anytime soon...

After the audition, I had about an hour before I was due to show up at my workout gig tonight, so I stopped over at Starbucks. I was feeling a little run down, but luckily a Venti Sugar-free Cinnamon Dolce Latte is only 160 cals (with non-fat milk and no whip cream), plus it's all liquid, and coffee is a laxative, so I decided to take that on for this gig.

Altogether, that still keeps my daily calorie count at 250. ;)

Then I went and worked out for two solid hours. They made us go at a leisurely pace. We're models afterall, so they didn't want us getting "too sweaty or out of breath." Still, I managed a half-hour on the treadmill, a half-hour on the elliptical, a half-hour on the stationery bike, and a half-hour of weightlifting. Most of the machines calculate how many calories you're burning, and I got all 250 cals out on the treadmill and elliptical alone!

And I got good news! The other guy who was there to workout with me is a personal trainer. He says it's actually BETTER (for weight loss results) to do your cardio workout at a lower pace for a longer time.

A quick, fast-paced cardio workout will make your heart stronger, but takes a lot of energy, and people who workout like this usually require a lot of carbs. People who do slow, extended workouts tend to require less energy, and can deal with less food.

What a revelation! Ok, so I've been so crazy busy every day since I moved here that I haven't yet joined the gym. But starting tomorrow, guess where I'll be!? Ha ha!

Don't know why I feel so great right now. It's gotta be the caffeine that still hasn't worn off. I feel like I could go another 2 miles for the next hour. Burn off even more.

But tonight at 8 pm, the first day of the next 2-day juice fast begins. No more eating or drinking (except water) until 8 am tomorrow. Then, only juice for the next 2 days.

This time, I'm actually looking forward to it! I think I'll have one bottle of juice in the morning, a long, leisurely workout all day, and then the other bottle of juice when I get home, followed by a nice cold shower and a good night's rest.

Thank God the worst pain is over and now I can ENJOY this fast and all it's benefits!!!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Day ONE of the great 34-day fast.

I'm starting to feel hungry, and a little tired. I have tons of little things to do today before the day is over (preparing for a couple of big auditions tomorrow), but I find my mind wandering - I am not able to concentrate for very long on a particular task.

I've wandered around the house, did the dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, fed the cats and emptied their litter box. I balanced my budget, answered a few emails, and I am incessantly checking the facebook page for updates.

It doesn't help that my poor little mind is still processing a HUGE weekend I just had. I met up with an ex-boyfriend and we had a stellar three-day rendezvous, no sex necessary. My mind is reeling from how much he has changed in 14 months, how he has matured and become an almost unrecognizable gentleman. I feel sort of guilty for having received him as I would have when we were dating, not knowing how time had changed him. He now has the uncanny ability to make me crazy by not letting on how I have impressed him or not. It's blowing my mind.

But I digress... I was very good last week (even with company being in town) about keeping my restrictions. I didn't stay sub-100 every single day, but on the final day before the fast (yesterday, Sunday) I only ate raw foods: 1 salad with loads of vegetables, and 1 apple with ground cinnamon. Only 1 cup of tea and about a half-liter of water with lemon to drink.

And now it's about 5 o'clock in the evening here, it's been 21 hours since I had any solid food, and I've only had about 70 calories of Cranberry/Pomegranate juice, plus a liter of water today. And I'm about to have a weak moment. I started writing this blog journal JUST to get my mind off the hunger.

Tomorrow I have two big auditions, and I can only have one veggie burger sometime between 8 am and 8 pm before the next 2-day juice fast begins. Ideally, I hope I'll be able to come home and eat it between the two auditions, but we'll see.

And even though I'm already stocked for the week, I'm thinking I may need to go to the store and get some vegetable juice for the 2-day. I need a little more substance for the calorie content than this fruit mixture is giving me, although it tastes really nice.

...


...


...

See what I mean? Unable to concentrate. Sorry I wandered for a moment there. I'm back now.

The hunger is affecting my brain now. But I have to remember and continually remind myself. Right now, the carbohydrates in my body have been depleted, and the liver glycogen is what's fueling me. Very soon now, that will be depleted as well, and the hunger will start to draw off the glycogen reserves in my muscles. This a good thing!!! All the toxins are going to be expelled from my tissues and organs. It's going to be uncomfortable, but in the long run, I will be thankful.

I must find other things on which to concentrate. I've got the fifth Harry Potter book, which I intend to re-read just before the movie comes out. Maybe now's a good time to do that. Also need to pick out some songs and memorize a monologue for tomorrow's first audition. Really OUGHT to do that, since it's the possibility of work. But I've always been a terrible procrastinator, and I probably won't change that today.

My cranberry/pomegranate juice, in it's clear bottle beside my computer, is swirling around as I'm typing. It's really pretty and tantalizing, as it's a bright clear red... the color of anorexia. ;)

I love ana. Tomorrow's number on the scale is going to be worth this torture!!!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Well, day 2 of my sub-100 week sucked at first, but got better gradually.

I only ate 90 calories yesterday, and I fell asleep early. Still catching up from the long week on the road and the travelling, I guess. I woke up nine hours later feeling (what else?) hungry.

So I made myself a cup of green tea, and proceeded to take my vitamins with it. This was probably my biggest mistake. The tea alone would have probably been fine, and would have taken the edge off the hunger and got my day started. But taking the vitamins on an empty stomach was stupid.

Within thirty minutes, I was back in bed with the shivers. After about 10 minutes of laying there in agony, I decided to go ahead and go downstairs to cut up my apple for the day. I was so weak in the knees, that going downstairs was tough.

I came back to my room and nibbled the first slice. Well, that made things WORSE instead of better. I laid down again, but ten minutes later... oops, it was in the trash can. THEN I felt better.

I slept for a good forty minutes before I woke up feeling calm enough to nibble a second piece. It took me a good thirty minutes to nibble all the way through and get the shakes out of my legs.

I went out to lunch with a friend, where I managed to do most of the talking, cutting the food up and pushing it around my plate. Still, I had to have a few bites. I don't think I could have eaten more than about 200 calories.

Then I went out to the storage place to finally pick up my stuff. Lord, I had forgotten how heavy those boxes are! I lugged them all into my car, one or two at a time, so I had to make more trips. Then I lugged them all into the house, same story. Then I trudged them all one at a time upstairs to my room, and unpacked a bit and settled it around the room. It was a good distraction from the remaining six pieces of apple sitting on a plate on my desk, now shriveled from the afternoon heat.

I pulled out my scale and set it down... ah! the moment had arrived! I balanced it out and remembered to myself that I had just eaten a quarter of an apple and a few bites of my sandwich today. Plus it's already late afternoon. (You should always weigh yourself first thing in the morning after you wake up and pee. That's when you're the lightest.)

139 pounds!!! Hallelujah! I dropped seven pounds in the past eight days, just by restricting!!! And remember... that's still not a morning weight!

I finished up the apple slices one at a time each half-hour til the end of the night. After weighing myself and moving around so much, I didn't even really feel hungry, but I want the cinnamon to boost my metabolism. Plus, I don't want to get ahead of myself for next week's big fast!

Seven pounds lighter in one week! Huzzah! Now that's good thinspiration!

Monday, June 11, 2007

I'M HERE!!!!!


I arrived last night, having only had one cup of Starbucks (160 cals) and a chicken wrap (277 cals - boo!). Meantime, I tried to tap my toes and move my arms around as much as possible while I was driving, I took a short 2-hour hike on a mountainside for lunch, and then I moved all the stuff in from my car to the house I'm staying in late last night. Less than 500 cals in... I hope all that burned it off.

This morning is day one of preparing for the great 34-day "Fresh Start" fast! (Thanks to Julia for the inspirational name!) After spending the past week thinning out with restricting (didn't count exactly, but no day over 1000 cals!), I can't WAIT to get my scale out of storage and see where I stand. My pants are sliding down my hips, which is a good sign. My arms feel thinner, I can feel the definition in my quad muscles, I'm cold and shivering a little, and I've been getting dizzy when I stand up too fast. I feel like I could be down about six pounds... more would be nice, but I won't get too hopeful and then be frustrated about failing.

This morning (already 12:30 in the afternoon) I've just made myself a cup of green tea, no sweetener (0 cals). I have to go to the shopping center to buy a few things for the new digs, and only just enough food to not kill myself or give up too soon this week. I am so close to being broke... that's going to be my #1 motivation for not eating. Can't buy food if you don't have $$$!

I need to buy a full-length mirror, 7 liters of water, 1 box (4 patties) of veggie burgers, and 3 apples. That should be enough food to last me all week. The burgers are 90 cals each, so that can be one-meal per day if I just can't bring myself to fast the full day. And I'll pre-cut the apples into eighths (74 cals) and sprinkle them with 1 tbsp cinnamon (18 cals) for an all-day muncher if I have to (total = 92 cals).

I only have one meeting in Manhattan on Wednesday during which I might not be able to excuse myself out of eating. Other than that, if I can have sub-100 calorie days for the next seven days, the great 34-day fast begins after that!! Wish me luck!

Also today, I'm driving out to the storage place to pick up the rest of my stuff, which I'll have to pack into the car, drive into town, then unpack into the house and settle around the room. Don't know exactly how many calories that will burn, but it can't be less than 100. As long as I can eat only one thing today, either a veggieburger or an apple with cinnamon, I'll be losing good. After that, I'll alternate fruit and veggie days. If time allows today, I'm going to go sign up at my gym, and maybe get a little day 1 "fresh start" workout too!

Off to get my scale now! Yippee!!!!

Saturday, June 9, 2007




Tomorrow I'll be home again!

List of things to do:
  • Sign up at my gym and start planning marathon workouts.

  • Find my OWN apartment and unplug the refrigerator so I can never keep food in the house.

  • Order some Colon-Cleanse to clean all this shit out of my system.


I've been restricting again for almost a week now, and the feeling is fucking euphoric!!! It's so wonderful to be back in control of my own life, with no one to criticize how little I'm eating. I didn't notice how six extra pounds had made my jeans so much tighter until now, now that it's coming off again.

I can't WAIT to get on a scale again! I hope I've lost at least the top six, that's what it feels like. When I begin REALLY fasting, the rest should start to come off...

Ana luv to everyone!

Wednesday, June 6, 2007




FREE AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!


Anas - rejoice!!!! I have finally finished up my latest job, and now I'm back out on my own where no one can weigh me and judge me and threaten me with comments about how much or how little I'm eating!!! It is a GOOD THING!!!!

But OMIGOD!!!! They weighed me one last time before I left, and I asked them if I could look. Since I'm leaving, there's not much they can do, so I looked. 146!!! ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FUCKING SIX POUNDS!!! WHAT A FAT-ASS!!!

Well, needless to say, I was mega-depressed about that. Angry and frustrated and hating the world for doing this to me. Hating FOOD. Wishing I'd exercised more. Wishing I'd done more sneaking around. But I had no idea how much I weighed, only that it wasn't little enough to get me fired.

Well, no more! And immediately, I started restricting. I can't WAIT to start fasting again! But my poor body would go into shock if I just up and stopped eating right away. This is so damn frustrating. My brain and my heart and every nerve ending in my body is screaming not to put another single bite in my mouth for as long as I live! But the damn pouch below my lungs and above my intestines grumbles softly until I pummel it into quiet submission...

I am staying with some friends for a few weeks until I can find an apartment of my own again. It's great, because I feel guilty about eating their food in their house, so I just don't eat. And we've gone "out to eat" a few times, on her breaks from work, or out to public functions. And since our time together is so sporadic, it's easy to make up the old excuses: "I just ate", "I'm still full from lunch", "I've got gum in my mouth..."

Omigod! I had forgotten how wonderful it feels to have an empty stomach!!!! I can't remember the last time I could make it cave in. I've been doing a lot of laying down and looking for my ribs...

Unfortunately, wi-fi's not so easy to find, and the only place I've found it (just now) it's at a fucking burger joint! Ugh!!!!! Well, maybe it's a reverse trigger. I get nauseated just watching obese, sweaty porker tourists all around me stuffing their faces like there's no tomorrow... So if the updates are not daily for a little while, forgive me girls. I'm working to get out on my own just AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

This is my third day here, and I think my best friend "M" might be beginning to suspect me. Everytime I "don't eat" when we go out, she laughs about it and tries to jokingly make fun of me for "not eating." But jeez!!! I know I'm a fatty - at 146! AAARRRGH!!! Damn job! It's easy to say, "I eat all the time - just look at me!" And that seems to cover over a few awkward, "Are you eating?" moments.

Tonight there's a party at a friend's house to watch "So You Think You Can Dance?" While she's at work, I think I'm going to go out and buy enough stuff to make a few desserts to take to the party. Then I can play hostess at the party (not to mention mingling with a million friends I haven't seen in forever) and if I circulate enough, no one should notice that I'm not eating.

Yay - restricting!!!! Omigod it feels so good!!!

There's still a little twinge in me everytime I say, "No thanks" or wave something away. Just now when we went out to lunch at a local church gathering, I spent a long time cutting up all the meat into little pieces and then mashing it around with the cole slaw before slathering it with salt and shifting it into little groups on my plate, to make it look like I'd eaten. (I only ate about three green beans.) But luckily the preacher asked us to stand up for a worship song. So I put my napkin over my plate and the girl next to me did the same thing! We laughed about it, but when the song was over and we sat back down, I pushed my plate away and sipped on my cup of water and pretended to be REALLY absorbed into what the preacher was saying.

A couple of my other friends, "A" and "S", asked M about my lack of eating. She laughed about it, teasing me, and it felt SOOOO good to fucking GET AWAY WITH IT!!!! If I'd done that on the job, and got caught, there would have been a meeting with the doctor and the captain, and a lot of lies and excuses.... followed by a very public feast at dinner where EVERYONE would be watching me. AAAAARRRRRGH!

Thank GOD I'm away from all of that!
Thank God that M doesn't have the guts to call me out on my restricting.
Thank God I can restrict and get away with it!!
Please, God, let me find a place of my own soon so I can do a full-out fast for you!!!!

ANA LUV TO EVERYONE!!!!

Friday, June 1, 2007




Maybe it's the new medicine I'm taking today...

Maybe because I took it on an empty stomach...

Maybe because I only have eight days left here, and tonight I kinda got the feeling that no one cares, no one will miss me...

Maybe because I had a whole fucking potato at lunch and I felt like a 2-ton whale and now I'm crashing off the carbs...

...I am so fucking DEPRESSED right now.

I read someone else's blog tonight. Someone in a mood of lamenting this disease, crying because she lost "only" 6 lbs. this week, someone who clearly could walk into recovery tomorrow because she so desperately wants it.... and I did not have the heart to encourage her. That's how depressed I feel.

I know how she feels. I know the torture of knowing I need to eat, need to gain weight, but the voices in my brain screaming at me how food is the enemy, and I am already so fat I don't need food, rather I should be exercising again... but seeing the pained looks on the faces of people around us who love us.... but putting on a show for them, as if everything is alright, as if we really are hungry, and we've been eating well lately, and how everything is fine now!

It's a see-saw, it's a tug-of-war, it's a battle of the minds inside one head...

If I was normal, would I have encouraged her? Ana says no. Ana tells me that I am actually stronger than her, that I have more willpower, and that I should go for a 5-mile run to prove it! But I just don't have the heart.

I don't have the heart to go for a run. I sure as hell don't want to even think about eating something, and am lying here planning how I can avoid eating for the next eight days til I leave. I just wanna lay here and waste away.

Maybe they could even wheel me out of here in a casket. ~ Ha ha! You thought you could control me, but you were wrong - dead wrong! ~

Every time I deny myself food feels like victory and defeat at the same time.

How fucking twisted is that?