Saturday, April 21, 2007

Hail Saint Ana Nicole

THIS is what I mean by successful anorexia... getting thinner and thinner, yet staying alive and keeping it hidden from the entire world.

People magazine has done a great job of keeping up with Nicole's latest scheme to hide her disease. Back in November, Nicole looked like this...
...and publicized that she was "seeking treatment" to determine why she "could not gain weight." However, she and her entire team [inluding her DUNDERHEAD father!] have made sure to stress that she "does eat" and that she "is NOT being treated for an eating disorder."

All Hail!!! When you can be in the spotlight every single day, out at all the biggest public arenas, constantly hounded by paparazzi, and yet STILL hide your E.D. from the WWOORRLLDD!!!!

You are the QUEEN of the Anas!!!!

Here's some of the articles People has been publishing:
11/3/06 - Inside Nicole Richie's Weight Crisis

11/30/06 - Nicole Richie's Road to Recovery

3/3/07 - Nicole Richie Treated for Dehydration

3/21/07 - Rep Says Nicole Richie Is Hypoglycemic

Then, just days after "seeking treatment," this picture of her "five pounds heavier" appears: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Nicole, my ana goddess, those five won't be hard to take off... you still look great, and you've managed to get everyone off your back! You are my THINspiration!!!

Friday, April 20, 2007

More saints...

Once photos of Courtney Love in a bikini surfaced, fans, reporters and bloggers alike wondered how she dropped so many pounds so fast. Some speculated Gastric-band surgery (her rep denied it), she says inspiration by “Oprah.”

Or could it be Ana?...

Saint Ana Allegra >>>

In a statement, Donatella Versace and Paul Beck said their daughter Allegra Versace "has been battling anorexia, a very serious disease, for many years."

<<< Saint Ana Chloe

Actress Chloe Lattanzi, daughter of Olivia Newton-John, recently admitted to her struggle with the debilitating eating disorder.

And the Ana queen herself! All Hail!

Despite fainting spells, a super-skinny frame and much speculation, Nicole Richie has repeatedly denied that she suffers from any eating disorder.

Nicole, you are my patron saint! Saint Ana Nicole!!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

What a waste...

This article appeared on last November.

Inside a Model's Deadly Anorexia Battle – Thursday, November 23, 2006

Before her death last week from anorexia, Brazilian model Ana Carolina Reston was robbed of both her beauty and her strength by the disease, friends say.

Earlier this year, when she arrived at the Mexico City airport after a job in Japan, she was too emaciated and weak to carry her luggage, said fellow Brazilian model Aliana Idibar. Once luminous, Reston had become a virtual skeleton. "The skin was gray. The eyes were sad and without light," recalls Estela Saenz, owner of a Mexican modeling agency, who last saw Reston at that time.

The next day she canceled a bridal magazine booking to enter a São Paulo hospital, carrying only 88 lbs. on her 5'7" frame. Friends were grieved, but not entirely surprised, to learn that on Nov. 14 Reston, 21, had died from multiple organ failure caused by anorexia.

Here's MY beef... The whole point of this "disease" is to be a LIVING skeleton! It doesn't do you any good to be thin if you're DEAD. Anyone who dies from this disease was never strong enough to handle it. Look at these beautiful girls who have lived with it for years:

Mischa Barton and Nicole Richie

God bless Nicole Richie!!! Just a few short years ago she was the short, fat Sancho Panza to Paris' noble Don Quixote. Now she is one of the most famous Hollywood skinnies on the scene!

(God bless Mischa too, but she's always been naturally thin, she doesn't have to work for it too hard.)

These, as well as Mary-Kate Olsen, Kate Bosworth, Victoria Beckham... all Ana Royalty! Saints! We should start to rename them... Sister Ana Nicole... Sister Ana Mary-Kate... Sister Ana Posh...

Lord bless them all. They're not just sitting, wasting time while wasting away. They find the strength and determination to starve, exercise, and still look FANTASTIC in the limelight, posing for paparazzi, partying at the hottest nightclubs, and WORKING for a living! The skinnier they are, the more they work.

A special kudos to those girls who have endured "rehab" and come out and immediately shed all the weight they made you put on in that fat-lab. You were able to put a stop to the "rumors" that you were sick, you can now claim to be "recovering" and make everyone shut up while you continue your descent. Bravo!!!

Who would we worship if they were all dead? It's hard to exercise when you're "too emaciated and weak" to walk or carry weighted objects. The BEST ana's are the ones who can LIVE with this disease, always actively edging closer to that razor-thin line of danger.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

It's a start...

Woke up today one pound thinner.

Between that, the warmer weather, and my boring to-do list for the day, it was enough to encourage me to get out for a 4-mile powerwalk this afternoon. Also, noticed that I've eaten no meat today, and my tummy is sort of grumbling about it. Cool.

Well, we'll see in the morning if it's "cool." If the scale comes down again.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

The devil inside begins to whisper...

This morning I downed two whole pieces of coffee cake without blinking. This is, according to the "experts", HEALTHY. No little voices inside your head telling you that nutrition is unneccessary. Instead saying, "You should never skip breakfast!" with that chipper little smile.

But at lunch, she whispered to me again... that sweet, seductive demon who only wants me to look my best.

"Only eat half of that."

She's right. Ana, my love, thank you for staying with me. You know that I can't let you out full-force until we are alone again. But that gives me two weeks to return to you. Make it a gradual move, so that I don't lose courage, so that I can store up a burst of willpower to begin again.

Soon, my darling, we will starve together again.

It's not a "comeback," it's a "return..."

In past years, I had been fortunate enough to get down to 130 lbs, which I called "touching gold." But at a mere 5'4", that's still 20 lbs. overweight.

To attain this golden victory, I had spent five months working out daily, doing hours of cardio every day, sometimes not even taking my allotted one day per week of rest. For months at a time I went vegetarian without even meaning to - I just didn't get any meat in my diet. I absolutely starved myself of calories... on the "best" days I took in less than 500 calories, sometimes as low as 250 calories. I got very good at structuring my eating so that I was "munching" on something all day (such as an apple cut up into 8 pieces, eating one piece every hour) to convince myself I could not possibly be hungry. If I thought I was becoming hungry, I would punch myself in the stomach or force myself to do crunches until the wretched craving for food went away.

I drank 5 liters of water per day (and no other liquids) to try to maintain that "full" feeling, but hating the reflection in the mirror that clearly looked bloated.

I had a steady active job in which I was able to remain active (on my feet, standing and walking) for up to eight hours per day. My co-workers also cared about me so much (it's touching!) that they never bothered to ask about my lack of taking lunch, my mood swings, my silent depression, my refusal to speak for days at a stretch; no one even reported me, nevermind questioned me personally, when I showed up one week with bandages wrapped around my left wrist from a failed attempt at a bloody slice job. Just as long as I stayed productive at work.

When I voluntarily reported my suicidal thoughts to a company in-house therapist, I thought for sure my "cry for help" would at last be heard. But the kindly brainless nurse just advised me to, "think happier thoughts," and let me return to work. I was simultaneously appalled and jubilant.

Once I had reached 130 lbs, I finally started to hear comments from people like, "You look great - are you doing it the right way?" These people were kind to be concerned, but they had no idea how deeply I was into it by this point. Their comments only made me work harder to get thinner. I planned my days before I went to bed. I woke up knowing how little I would eat, but vowing to eat less if I could stand it; and knowing how much I would exercise, and vowing to go further if my body could stand it. Every minute of the day was accounted for by what activity I was doing, and meticulously calculating how many calories those activities burned. That total was then compared to the total number of calories consumed.

I weighed 130 lbs. for about one week. And then I got the call that would turn all that around.

I got a new job, out of state, where my meals were prepared for me, and forcibly fed, and I was constantly in the public eye. Counting calories was impossible. Exercise was limited. And I could only weigh myself once a week, not daily. Within three weeks I ballooned back up to 140 lbs, and with great anxiety, I was able to maintain that weight for six months. I had to take in a standard amount of carbs just to be able to execute my job without getting sick (which would expose me and get me fired). And I began lifting weights because there were time limits on the cardio machines.

When that job was over, and I came back to a home with a daily scale, I was devastated at the number there, although physically I was more muscularly defined than ever. The weight I had lost in fat had been replaced by muscle, but I didn't care. I just knew that I was still 140 lbs, I still didn't have a flat belly, and many many of my co-workers, including those competing for my position, were still much thinner than me. It didn't even matter to me that my talent had just been recognized as one of the best in the WORLD in my line of work.

I went back to a strict eating regimen, as best I could without getting caught by those around me. I quit lifting weights, which were making me "bulky," and started running, something I'd never been able to succeed at before. I forced myself to wake up early so I could get in as many "moving" hours as possible. I kept my residence absolutely spotless, hoping that the efforts of cleaning would contribute to my daily expenditure of calories. All to no avail. I ran nearly 500 miles in 4 months, and remained at my dismal 140 lbs.

At the end of four months, I endured a great personal loss - the death of a dearly loved one - and grieved with a three-day fast. I neither ate, slept, nor removed myself from my bed and my bedroom for a solid 72 hours. At the end of this time, I felt I had been "enlightened," and within one week, I had again moved to another state.

In my new location, I gave up many luxuries to be able to afford to live alone and join a local gym. Smiling on the inside, it was no sacrifice at all to give up the "luxury" of food. In seven weeks, I happily watched the numbers plummet again... 138... 135... 132... and then that elusive golden 130. I was 130 lbs for six blessed days. And then I got another call.

God has been with me through this all. I have prayed and prayed that He would make me stronger to avoid temptations. "Lord, bless this meal to nourish my body so that I maybe thinner tomorrow than I am today." When I gained a pound, I begged for strength. When I lost a pound, I praised Him for His mercy. But try as I might, He has always remained in control of me. Just when I was beginning to feel successful at wasting away again, He intervened. I got another call.

Again, out in a place where the scales are scarce and unreliable, the food is pre-prepared and forced on you, the gym hours are limited, and the public scrutiny is literally 24/7. Nowhere to hide but my lonely room, where I was unable to stay active or stretch out at all. I don't know how I maintained 140 again, but I did, just barely. But not as I had done the year previous. This time, it was all fat, and my muscle tone disappeared.

Now, here again, my job is done, and I have returned to square one. I am 5'4", and a dumpy, squishy 145 pounds. I am disgusted with myself. I am surrounded by a culture that encourages you to "love the way you look" and "enjoy life!" Which means to weigh whatever you want and encourage everyone else that "I'm ok and you're ok." A sedentary lifestyle with three huge meals a day is not only normal, but it is considered "ungraceful" if you indulge in anything less.

For the past four weeks, I have attempted to remain mobile at best, though the running has not been easy to get to. I have had to turn a blind eye and a forced smile to what goes in my mouth, as my choices are limited when everyone else is watching me. I have two weeks left in this abysmal rut, until I can return to my lonely, foodless lifestyle in the next state.

I am scared about the prospect of moving again, not knowing what lies ahead. But at the same time, I am desperate to return to a place where the public does not know me and cannot scrutinize my choices. I long to try a new method of fasting, and I want to dedicate myself to a higher calling to distract me from my own reflection. I hope to one day simply catch myself immersed in my new lifestyle and see a body that has benefited from evil abuse.

I have used internet blogs and pro-ana sites as encouragement all along my journey. But lately I have grown increasingly weary of the losers who far outweigh (no pun intended) the true Anas. The critics who insist "but you're not healthy!" The wannabe tweens whose fasts only last for 2 days before they give in to binging without purging again, lamenting in pathetic prose about the boy who won't notice them. And the web-combers who insist on cleaning up the internet by shutting down the good pro-ana sites.

I thought it only fitting to finally dedicate a blog of my own to the true Anas. We all share the same affliction: ironically, feeling that we are all alone in our quest to become the thinnest we can be.

Ana is a choice, a lifestyle. It's not something you do for a little while and then it's finished. It's a way of being. For LIFE.

I can't tell you what I hope for this blog. To be noticed but to remain hidden and anonymous? To share my journey in the hopes of encouraging another Ana? Or just to reinforce my own goals?

I don't care if you like it or not. If you've read this far, something about me must have intrigued you. All I care is that I become thinner tomorrow than I am today. I'd die to be thin.

I will die to be thin.