Sunday, October 28, 2007

The good news is: I had a SUPER-busy week, which kept me hopping enough that I hardly had time to sleep or think, never mind eat. Lots of coffee, water, and coke zeros have kept me going.

The bad news is: I did not have time to go to the gym even ONCE this week, nor was I able to weigh myself until this morning. After five full days of liquid fasting (and yes, I had a 240-calorie sushi roll last night), I am only down THREE POUNDS. This sucks!!

I haven't eaten anything today, and just finished a liter of water. Plus I had my 160-calorie Venti Starbucks this morning. Next week is going to be another crazy one, but not quite as crazy as this one was. I'm scheduled to brunch/lunch with a friend tomorrow, so I'm thinking I'll fast today, eat that tomorrow, then start a new long-term fast on Tuesday.

Ugh. After not being at the gym for well over a week, my body didn't want to cooperate when I finally got back on the elliptical this afternoon. I managed to push myself 5.05 miles. Hopefully last night's sushi hasn't stuck to my ribs already.

I won't be able to go to the gym tomorrow, but hopefully I will both Tuesday and Wednesday, which'll be a good jump start for the new fast. Thursday the week gets all screwy again and I'll probably not be able to blog.

But I want to send a shout-out to all the faithful readers who've messaged me here and on facebook === WHAT UP SKINNY BITCHES!!!! === Ya'll rock my fucking world, especially at the end of a long fast when I feel like, "Just one little bite won't hurt me..." I remember that I'll have to write about it here and it gives me that last little PUSH I need to get through! You guys are the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Secret to Brittny Gastineau's success? Try anorexia

Posted Oct 22nd 2007 4:58PM by Anne Metz on Styledash.com

There's a zen koan that says if you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.

Now I don't know anything about meeting Buddha, but I can say that if you meet a model on the road who says she loves to eat, don't believe her -- especially if she's ex-reality TV-star Brittny Gastineau.

The raven-haired Gastineau recently told Jay Leno's "Ross the Intern" that she stayed thin through anorexia.

Was she kidding? Well, if you trace Gastineau's incredible weight loss over the past year (I don't -- I honestly didn't know who she was until thirty minutes ago), you'd probably conclude that she was speaking the truth. But still, the confession seems awfully weird.

One thing is certain, admitting to an eating disorder is not a good way to jump start a modeling career, which her friends say is the motivation behind her shrinking frame. Even though most agents and designers would be chomping at the bit to get a 5'11 girl who weighs just 105 pounds, I doubt anyone is willing to touch her now that she's publicly admitted she's an anorexic. The fashion industry can't continue to exist as it is without putting forth the illusion that models its healthy and naturally thin. The fact is once a model says she's sick, the gig's up.
.....................................................................

I'm sorry, but this is just stupidity at its best. I'm happy for her, glad that she's lost such huge amounts of weight, that she's had the willpower to stay with it for so long. But why the HELL would you flush it all away by openly admitting on NATIONAL television that you did it with anorexia???

Let this be a lesson, girls. KEEP YOUR ANONYMITY AT ALL COSTS. Keep the secret. That's exactly WHY we have these blogs and facebook profiles and none of us use our real name. It's only truly WORKING if you can still smile and say, "I'm just blessed with a fast metabolism."

Ugh.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

After first day of fasting, down FOUR POUNDS. Good.

Still not quite good enough. Never enough. I need to lose the other five pounds by Saturday morning. If I can do that, I'll have a little 240-calorie sushi dish on Saturday night, then back to fasting to get down another three-to-five.

Thank God for my new part-time gig at Starbucks. They sure do keep you on your toes. And even with all the drinks I had to make and "taste", I know I didn't go over 500 calories today. Yet the pace there keeps you hopping, so I know I burned more than I took in.

And so far I'm doing well balancing both the part-time coffee shop and the film/tv career. Had a fantastic audition for a commercial today, and still made it to my shift on time. On the first break of my shift, landed a voiceover to be canned on Thursday. Hooray!

Tomorrow: day 3 of the five-day fast to lose 9 pounds gained during shooting last week. A little bit of shopping in the morning, a short shift in the afternoon, and the gym for a good hard spin in the evening! Gotta get those last five gone!

Monday, October 22, 2007

I am fat, fat, fat.

I love my work, I love what I do. But I hate that they always FEED ME!!! I mean, how the hell do they expect me to eat and stay this skinny??? They HIRED me because I am this skinny. Then I work for five days, eating every day, which means I'll have to fast for another 2 weeks once the project is over so I can take all that weight back off.

Ugh.

Hi girls and guys. I'm back. AGAIN.

I'm not feeling too proud of myself. The last week has been a blessing and a nightmare all at once. In seven days, I'm several thousand dollars richer, but nine pounds heavier. Damnit.

Monday I started my new part-time job at Starbucks. I didn't eat ALL DAY in preparation for all the tasting they made me do that night. Fifteen minutes before my first shift, I got a call from my agent that booked me solid for the next six days.

Thus, I haven't been able to write to you since then.

Tuesday I had one audition that turned into 3 auditions overnight. It was crazy, but hopefully it will turn into more work. Plus I had a short shift again at Starbucks that night. I was feeling alright though, because moving around to so many different studios kept me moving and busy, and I didn't eat anything at all, all day long. It was great.

But Wednesday through Sunday I had booked a film job, and I was on the set 10 hours every day. For the most part this was good -- I got a coffee in the wee hours of the morning on my way to the set, and I left the set each day at 6 pm, so I was able to go home without dinner.

But they brought me lunch every single day. And since I was with the cast and crew, unable to leave set for lunch, I had to eat it. I also had several cups of coffee on set, so I completely lost track of calories. On a good note, I was almost always on-camera or in the wings with a script in one hand and a bottle of water in the other, and the craft-services table was WAY on the other side of the set. So temptation was out of reach, and I never took even ONE crumb from the craft-services table. Hooray!

I know the previous two weeks of successful fasting had to have put a big brakes on my metabolism, because in just five consecutive days of lunches, I put nine pounds back on! How the hell does that add up???

Well, now that I'm finished with that project, I am DEFINITELY back to fasting. My Starbucks training is now at a point where I can determine what I drink or don't drink or try or don't try. So I can control my calorie intake. I'm hoping these nine pounds will come off as fast as they went on, as soon as I stop putting calories in. Ugh.

I feel like a fucking whale.

I feel like a deadbeat because I haven't been able to check my weight daily for an entire week, I've barely been able to check email, and I've had absolutely NO chance to blog or check in with the facebook fasters. (Although from what I've briefly looked over this morning, they're doing fantastic! Losing HUGE amounts of weight! Go girls!!!)

Well, so far I don't have any work (other than Starbucks) lined up for this week. No one will be force feeding me. So I'm planning to do a five-day fast from now (technically yesterday, Sunday at 8 pm) until next Saturday morning at 8 am. Liquids only. If I can take off the nine pounds and get back to where I was this time last week, I'll be satisfied, reassess, and make new fasting plans from there.

On a viewer note: I want to say a HUGE THANKYOU to all the loyal blogreaders who've continually checked in each day. While I was gone this past week, the counter rolled over 4000!! Woot! That's encouraging to me - and I promise to lose these nine pounds for YOU GUYS!!!!!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Yay! I'm back - and four pounds lighter!!! Oh, how I've missed you guys!!!

This was a crazy weekend, but I got through it, and now I'm on the other side and SOOOOOO looking forward!!! Friday I got a new job (to start Monday) and an offer to move to a new apartment. So within 48 hours my whole life turned about -- that's the way it usually goes for me, so I'm halfway used to it.

Saturday I spent running around town getting things wrapped up, and packed most of my stuff into boxes and bags. And I went to church that night and had a great time thanking God for His infinite Goodness. Sunday morning, as soon as my roommates had left for church I started packing the car and moving across town. Two and a half carloads and only five hours later, I was officially out of one and into another.

Heavy boxes down one flight of stairs, into the car, and up two flights of stairs into the new place -- I worked up quite a sweat! They say that mixing weight-lifting with your cardio is a better workout -- it definitely is! And even though my new roommates made me a "welcome home" meal last night (rice and chicken), I've managed to drop four pounds over the entire weekend. Woot!!

Well, yesterday was supposed to have been day 5 of the first five-day fast. But due to my extreme circumstances, I had to eat. I could definitely feel all the muscles in my legs, arms, and back quivering, especially by the end of the second carload. The stairway leading to my attic room is a narrow winding staircase, so there was no option to set down a heavy box to rest along the way. Just push, push, push!! So a protein follow-up was necessary to keep me from being too sore to move today.

Yet, I must have burned more than I ate, because I'm down! Hooray! I got the whole room settled in an evening, and it feels a LOT more like home than my last place. My new roommates are SOOOOO kind and generous.... let's hope that doesn't extend to too many dinner invitations.

And tonight I start my new job at Starbucks with a LOAD of coffee tasting! Hee hee! I'm trying to limit my drinking calories this morning knowing that tonight is probably going to top me off and maybe even push way above my self-imposed limits. Liquid only is ok for fasting, but too many liquid calories with NO food leads to a lot of simple fat absorption which is harder to burn than ingesting quick-burn carbs or fiber.

So I've decided to fast TODAY as the fifth day of the last five-day fast, followed DIRECTLY by the next five-day fast. I won't eat again until 8 am on Sunday. Essentially this means that last week I had 2 four-day fasts, and this week I'm doing a 6-day fast. Then next week I'll be directly back on track with the rest of the facebook group for a 7-day fast.

I really have no idea how I'm STILL not hungry! The human body is such a strange machine. Maybe mine is just so out-of-whack at this point, never knowing when it's going to get fed or not that I'm just in permanent ketosis. Whatever. As long as those numbers keep going down - life is peachy!!

Friday, October 12, 2007

I apologize for not being around to blog for the last few days. There's been quite a hurricane in my life lately, and everything's changing. At least it keeps me busy, and I have been thinking of everything BUT eating.

Here's the long and short of it: my best friend was onto me right away about not eating. I guess I really do look thinner. And none of my excuses would appease her. We spent all day Wednesday together, but at each other's throats. She refused to eat all day unless I did. It was a challenge I was happy to accept. By the end of the day, I had had one coffee and a small pear, for a total of 350 calories. She, of course, got hungry and ate a granola bar, a bag of almonds, and after ditching me for her family, ate out at an Italian restaurant (can you say pasta and bread by the bucket-load? blech!).

Wednesday night we got in the mother of all fights, and she walked away feeling like a martyr. And though I walked away in tears, inside I knew that the next time she sees me, I'm going to be twenty pounds thinner. And I'll still be smiling victoriously.

So Thursday I got back on the fasting bandwagon with ya'll, but spent the entire day running around catching people up on how my two days had gone, kvetching and sobbing about how badly my friend "needs prayer to see her through this difficult time she is facing." Another friend of mine decided to cheer me up by taking me along to her African dance class and then enjoying a girls-night pajama party at her apartment watching the Office. Totally mellowed me out, and still only consumed 2 liters of water all day.

Then today brought about another flurry of changes. I applied at Starbucks and got hired on the spot before I could even finish filling out the application. I start Monday. And my other friend who works there has a room for rent which is going to be loads more convenient than the apartment in which I'm currently staying. My current roommates are pregnant, and my room is about to become the nursery, so out I go. I'm moving in with my new friend on Sunday.

So this weekend is going to be extremely busy!!! I'm going to see another friend of mine tonight in the closing weekend of his show. Tomorrow I'll spend all day packing, and I'll go out to church tomorrow night. Sunday I'll spend all day packing and moving, and Monday I start work at Starbucks. I'll have to do a lot of coffee tasting, which could potentially add up in calories. But it will be ALL liquid, so it fits perfectly right in with my liquid fast.

There will be so much to do this weekend that there just won't be time to stop and think about eating!! How convenient is that!?

But there also won't be time to blog, I'm afraid. As soon as I get my room setup and my computer hooked up with some internet, I'll get back to the grind here. I'm gonna miss you guys!!!

In the meantime, starve on!!!! You know I won't be eating at all, so I hope it'll encourage you to stick to your fasts as well. I promise I'll try desperately to drop you a line here or there if I get half a second to do so. But if you don't hear from me til mid-next-week, be strong! Think thin! Starve on!!!!!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Day 9 of 34, morning.

Down another pound today! Yay! That's 9 lbs total so far, which is perfectly on track for the fast!

I won't be able to blog tomorrow because my best friend is coming to town. For the same reason, I'm fasting again today instead of tomorrow, and reserving my eating day for tomorrow instead of today. Thursday I'll pick up as if it was day 2 of the 5-day fast, and get right back on track.

This morning I woke up with the first pains of hunger that I haven't had in a long time. It was hard to ignore when I thought, "Just one little 30-cal plum or a small bowl of oatmeal to get you through." Nope. I refuse. I got myself busy doing laundry, cleaning the car, and blogging here. ;)

And since work's been good, so has my energy. I'm feeling upbeat and positive, so keeping moving has been no problem. I haven't been to the gym in a few days, but I did walk about 2 1/2 miles around Manhattan yesterday, according to my pedometer. Every little bit counts.

A very busy day ahead today, and even busier tomorrow. Thursday I'll be back to post how it all went. Til then, stay strong girls! Think thin and never give up!

Monday, October 8, 2007

Day 8 of 34, late evening.

What a crazy day. Day 3 of the 3-day fast, and I can't believe I've hardly even THOUGHT of hunger all day. But it's one of those crazy busy work days, ya know? Well, that's good, it kept me busy. All I had was 1 liter of water, 1 can of coke zero, and 2 coffees. WAY too much caffeine and not enough water, which is why at 10 pm at night, on only five hours of sleep and three days without food I'm still going NINETY MILES AN HOUR.

I also found out today that my best friend is (surprise) coming to town to visit me on Wednesday. So as I HAD been planning to eat tomorrow and fast Wednesday through Sunday, instead I will have to carry on this 3-day fast into a fourth day on Tuesday, so that if she coerces me to eat on Wednesday, at least I can try to keep it under 300 cals and stay on track.

So don't panic if you don't hear from me in the next few days. She's my best friend, she knows (nearly) everything, and she has eyes like a hawk. So I'll be lucky if I can get in here to post. But I promise I'll do my very best. At the least, you can expect to hear from me again for sure on Thursday.

Another frustrating morning - still not lost another pound. Three days I've been at this weight. But with the crazy day I had today, and the 2 similar days I've got coming right up, I'm hoping by the time I get to see a scale again on Thursday I'll have lost BOTH pounds that I need to lose by Sunday to keep me on track.

I'm not sure if the lack of hunger today was from simply being purely busy all day, or if I'm truly falling into ketosis. I suppose the latter is easily plausible. Well, whatever it is, I sure am glad that I don't feel starving pains and that I'm not eating ANYTHING. If I can keep it up, then once I push past this plateau I think the pounds are going to start FALLING off of me.

I did get some really great compliments at my audition today. I looked killer in my yellow dress as usual, and I was playing around with a couple of cute youngins' from out-of-town.

I just love living dangerously. ;)

P.S. The blog hits rolled over 3000 today. Woot!

STARVE ON!!!

Sunday, October 7, 2007

I'm writing this Sunday night for Monday. Unfortunately I can't tell you yet if I'll have lost any weight, but I'm really hoping for at least one pound since I only drank 360 calories today (1 coffee, 2 ciders, 2 liters water), and I ran 7 miles at the gym, did 100 crunches, and put in 3 sets of weightlifting (among a variety of other busy-ness throughout the day).

My lone comment yesterday asked about the taste of a saltwater flush. Well, just like it sounds, yes, it's saltwater. Made withe sea salt. So, yes, it tastes a bit like warm ocean water. And no, it's not exactly tasty. If you haven't eaten in a while (which makes the flush work better) then it's easy to convince yourself that the first cup is chicken broth. After that... yeah, you're just sort of pinching your nose and chugging as fast as you can.

The first time I did it, I really did feel like gagging. Honestly I thought I might throw up naturally. But it was more from the feeling of being so incredibly full all of a sudden after being empty for so long than from the taste of it. The trick is to immediately find a quiet calm place to lie down and massage your belly so that the water starts moving from your stomach through your intestines, where it does it's real work. Once your stomach empties out a bit (usually about 10-15 minutes), the fullness that made you want to gag subsides.

P.S. Sunday was the first day that this blog received 100 hits within 24 hours - yay!!!

Starve on, ladies and gentleman! One more day on this 3-day fast, 300 calories tomorrow, and then a new adventure: the five-day fast!!! Woot!
fun with mag photos...

Day 7 of 34, late morning.

Today is the first day my weight has plateaued. I'm ok with that though. I've lost 7 lbs in the first week, which is huge. I plan to lose a total of at least 16 lbs by the end of the 34-days, so this is a good jump start. To stay on track, I only need to lose 2 more by next Saturday, so I'm not worried... yet.

I know that because my metabolism is slowing down, the energy is waning and the weight loss is going to slow down too. This is something I didn't account for on the last long fast, a lesson hard learned. The disappointment caused me to slip up before the entire fast was done -- a mistake I DO NOT intend to repeat!

I got a weird compliment at the party the other night. Some guy did a double take of me and said, "Wow! You've lost like mega lbs!" and his wife hit him. I don't know if she hit him because he complimented another woman (although we're all friends, it didn't seem like a problem), or because that implies that before I lost the weight I was REALLY fat!

Truth is, I'm not any lighter than the last time he saw me a few months ago... in fact I'm actually slightly HEAVIER now. Go figure...

Today is day 2 of the first 3-day fast. I was really looking forward to this one, and so far it's going REALLY well. I only was tempted by food a few times yesterday, and managed to press through by keeping myself busy with other activities and finally sipping on some coffee. My stomach didn't actually start making noise until late last night, and then I think it was more digesting the pure liquid rather than begging for food. My stomach must have shrunk quite a bit by now, so the hunger is not hitting as hard.

But the next 36 hours are SOOOOO crucial. The first day is always easy for me, especially since this is my third "first day" this week. It's a cinch. But the end of day 2 and all of day 3 are going to be tough, I think. But I'm actually really excited and looking forward to it! I think, "Bring on the challenge!" because I want to prove to everyone, including myself, that I can do it.

And if I can make it three days without eating, then the next time I'll make it five, and then another fiver after that, followed by a seven and a four and that's it to the end of the fast - and my big photo shoot!

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Day 6 of 34, noon.

I'm REALLY looking forward to this three-day fast! After the last 2-day fast, I really felt like if I just pushed through one more day of not eating, I could almost FEEL my body coasting into ketosis. But because I'm trying to be a good example and a good leader, I ate yesterday as is described in the plan.

And I even fudged that up a little. When I woke up yesterday, I tried to have a little 50-calorie yogurt, but after two days with no food, my stomach couldn't handle more than half of it. So I probably ate only about 30 calories.

But later in the day I decided to fix up this South Beach lunch box that I've been hanging on to. It's low-carbs, and high-fiber and protein, so I figured it would be perfect to set me up for the next three-day fast. And boy, did it satisfy! I guess the high-protein was a LOT more satisfying to an empty stomach than it usually is to a normal stomach. Woot!

But that was 240 calories, so my total for the day was 270 calories. I managed to eat (and drink!) absolutely ZERO calories at the party last night - HUGE ACHIEVEMENT!! - and a big group of us even went for about a mile-long walk downtown! Burn, baby, burn!

Yesterday at the gym I could only push myself through 4 miles and 50 crunches. I felt disappointed that it wasn't 10 miles, but I know it's better than not going at all. Right now I feel like I could go to the gym, which would kill some time, or I could stay here and enjoy the beautiful breeze coming in through my window while I crochet all day long and head to church tonight.

I'm curious how long it will be before my stomach starts to growl again. I sOOOOOO don't feel hungry at all right now. Yay! I don't even long for coffee or a drink with calories. I'll try to get through the day on water for as long as possible before heading out for some Starbucks.

Friday, October 5, 2007

I don't know how many of you are the praying kind, but I am. Here's some info I found on the web a few days ago that's helping to keep me thin-spired...

   *   *   *   

John Wesley refused to ordain those who did not fast every Wednedsay and Friday. (Wednesday to commemorate Judas' betrayal, Friday to commemorate the crucifixion.) He felt that anyone who could not rule his own belly could not be expected to rule the church of God.

If you don't fast and pray, your spiritual life is unbalanced. If you are a soldier of the Lord, you can hardly expect to be commended for your conduct if you never check back into headquarters for instructions.

A simple outline:

  • Have a nice, long chat with God first thing in the morning and in the late evening. Take a walk and talk things out with Him.
  • Pray at each meal, and before falling asleep. This leads to praying often, but God still prefers quality to quantity.
  • Fast whenever you need intensive prayer... Your appetite acts as a prayer alarm; instead of eating your usual treat, you pray. That keeps you focused all day long.


God built it into us... use it.
Day 5 of 34. Morning.

Down only 1/2 pound today. Boo. Welll..... at least it's not a gain.

I'm totally loving all the comments and questions you guys are posting. It's awesome having a dialogue with ya'll! I'm going to try to address them all.

First off, I want to post the link to Facebook(link no longer valid), for those of you who might be interested in joining up. I hate to shamelessly plug like that, but I'm getting a lot of parallel questions on the fasting group there and here on the blog. There are 39 members in the current "New 34-day Fast," and they're a fantastic bunch of us guys and girls who are incredibly supportive of each other. It's an easy way to be anonymous and still be pro-ana at its finest!!

J asked if I could post twice a day.
J -- sometimes I do, when the mood strikes and I have time to spare. But I'm also working and trying to keep this hidden the same as all of us are, so I can't promise to post twice EVERY day. But I'll try, from now on, to find some other thinspo or something to add here and there. It might not be me journaling, it might just be a picture or an article, but I hope it helps.

If you have the opportunity to be online that often, I'd encourage you to try the Facebook. It's like the alternative to Myspace (which I don't have), so you get updates every three seconds or so, 'round the clock.

P.S. Congratulations on the incredible success of your own restricting fast! That takes a LOT of willpower!!

Anonymous asked, "What's a saltwater flush?"
A saltwater flush is my preferred alternative to laxatives. In a nutshell, you basically drink a quart of warm saltwater and a few hours later EVERYTHING comes out. It's a great way to rid your body of nasty toxins, and a quick solution for big-number water-weight loss when you need it in a pinch. It's also entirely organic, as opposed to laxatives which are stimulant drugs. If you're interested in trying it, here's the full recipe.

amyyy wrote, "youre a insperation."
What can I say? Thanks, dollface. Just remember I probably couldn't be as strong if I didn't know that I've got you guys here backing me up and keeping me in check. I have honestly come across temptations in my day and thought, "No, because I don't want to have to blog about failing." My readers rock!!!

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Day 4 of 34. Morning.

I have officially dropped one whole BMI point today! Yay!
(One down, 2.2 to go.)

Unfortunately, the roommate is STILL sick and at home from work, so once again I have to put off my saltwater flush. The next first-fasting-day will be Saturday, and they'll both be home, so that's out. :::exasperated sigh::: I guess my next real chance will be Monday, which will be the third day of that fast, and may well at that point be futile. :::another sigh::: Maybe next Wednesday, which will be the following first-fasting-day. :::grumbling::: Damn roommies.

Yay --- went on a long walk this morning and picked up a nice coffee to get me started. Nothing else much doing. If I'm still this hyped-up tonight from the caffeine-on-an-empty-stomach, I might try to get to the gym for at least a little while. I wanna wear my sexy yellow dress to the party tomorrow night, so I wanna look as skinny as possible!

Addressing some comments I've received:

Amyyy from London: welcome to the fast! If you're on facebook.com, msg me by searching "Ana Regzig" and I'll invite ya into the group. It's free to join facebook... or you can just keep up here with the blog. I'll be doing my best to post daily. MWAH!!! Luv ya to the bones! XOXO

JSAID asked about "tips for lightheadedness":

THE OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: I'm not a doctor! This information is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. If you are having feelings of lightheadedness, please consult your family doctor or health professional for a full diagnosis and treatment plan. Blah blah blah...

You asked for tips about lightheadedness. That's perfect timing believe it or not, as I've just now gotten to the point where I'm occasionally losing balance and what not. I haven't had any grey-outs or black-outs yet, but it won't be long now.

Fainting in public is the worst, isn't it? Ugh. Your number one defense is WATER. Your body can survive without food for weeks -- it feeds on stored fat. But without plenty of water, your body will actually begin to shut down and die within 3 days. That's why it doesn't take long for you to feel faint -- your body is trying to preserve you for maximum survival.

Hydration is your #1 weapon against fainting and lightheadedness. As soon as you wake up in the morning, start your day by drinking one full glass of ice cold water. Then make sure to have one full glass every hour on the hour, or else just keep like a liter or a gallon handy and take sips off of it every now and then, and make sure you finish it by day's end. Don't try to chug a whole bunch at once, you'll just feel sick. [In extreme cases, this can even be toxic!] Your body needs constant, steady hydration... best just to sip every few minutes.

Drink at least 2 liters of water every day, especially when you're not eating. And if you can, make sure to restore your electrolytes daily too, especially if you're purging. (Shameless plug: Walmart sells little sports drink mix packets called "Replenish" which infuse your water with a little bit of flavor, plus the necessary electrolytes, and ZERO calories! You can find them with the Koolaid/Gatorade mixes.)

If you are plenty hydrated and still feeling dizzy/lightheaded...
First, immediately SIT DOWN. Even if you just have to squat, lean forward and get your head between your knees. If you're in public, you can pretend you dropped an earring or you're looking for your contact, or tying your shoe. Don't panic, breathe deeply, and relax until the feeling goes away.

If you're standing, DON'T just bend at the waist and DON'T lock your knees! You will be sure to faint. And if you cause a scene, people may try to feed you. You must bend at the knees and do whatever it takes to restore the bloodflow to your brain. Generally this means slowing down and getting low, so that your heart doesn't have to pump so hard.

MIDNIGHT CAFFEINATION
another haiku by Ana Regzig

Forty ounces of
coffee, and only thirty-
four ounces water

And not a single
bite to eat. Wishing I had
burned it off somehow.

This does not balance.
So at midnight, I sit here
INSANELY WIRED.

Write haiku to pass
the time, burn some energy,
try to get sleepy.

If my 'hood wasn't
so sketchy, I'd go for an
awesome moonlit run.

But alas, no. Sigh.
I sit here fidgeting and
fussing to no end.

Waiting for it to
wear off. Praying that I'm still
burning calories.

Is it too early
to weigh myself? Yeah. Better
get eight hours first.

Me and my caffeine
addiction. I have only
my sick self to blame.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Day 3 of 34, early evening.

Blech! Life (aka. my ROOMMATES) got in the way today. I was gonna do a saltwater flush first thing this morning, but each of them decided to skip half a day so I didn't get the house to myself. Boo. Oh well, I'll have to do it tomorrow.
But that does mean I've been flitting in and out of the house myself, so that's keeping me busy and moving. Hooray! I ran 10 1/2 miles last night -- watching "The Biggest Loser" on NBC is incredibly thinspirational!

And so are all of you! My gosh, I just don't even know how to describe the way my little heart goes pitter-patter every time I get an encouraging message from ya'll, or I hear that someone else is fasting with me. It keeps me accountable. It helps me say "no" when food tempts me.

So far today: 1 liter of water, 1 coffee, and one coke zero. Planning on having some great sugar-free apple cider tonight and catching up on some reading and crocheting. I lost the remaining 2 lbs of the "easy first five" this morning, so I feel I've earned a bit of down time. ;)

Aha!!! My stomach just grumbled again for the first time today! HAhahahahahahah!!! That always makes me laugh and celebrate. Stupid stomach - what the hell do you know?! It's already starting to flatten out again, just five pounds down. Imagine how good I'm going to look in another 31 days!!! Wheeeeeeeee!!!!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Day 2 of 34. Afternoon.

Well, the first day, as predicted, was easy. And this morning it paid off - 3 pounds lost. I do expect the first five to come off very easy. After that, it'll go slower.

Today is an eating day, limit 100 calories. I measured out 3/4 cup of high-fiber cereal, which is actually 105 calories, so I put a spoonful back. It's the kind of cereal that has flakes, sticks, and little round white balls that taste like malt. I set it in a small bowl and I've been munching one or two pieces every fifteen minutes or so. High-fiber makes it a slow-burning carb, so hopefully I'm burning it faster than I'm actually eating it, but keeping the metabolism machine turned on. Plus I've had a liter of water and a can of coke zero, and I'll have another liter with electrolytes at the gym.

Tonight I'm planning to go for a ten-mile run. Figured I'd better do it while I have food-fuel in me. Yesterday I did nothing exciting at all, just to see if the metabolism is working again -- it is. I had one liter of water, a 20 oz coffee and a 20 oz cider (yay - holiday treats!). And I lost three pounds.

But the first day is always easy. The first day (again) tomorrow might be a little tougher, and Thursday will for sure be hard. The second day is always hardest for me, and after eating so little today, it will non-technically be day four. So, I'm trying to go ahead and steel myself for that now.

Somedays I feel like such a weakling because I can fast all morning long, no problem at all, but then suddenly five o'clock hits and I'm like - bam! Hungry! And then because I haven't eaten all day it's not like a small sensible meal will do. Oh no, it's like I NEED to stuff myself with an entire box of something. Thank God so many things come in single servings now, I can eat it "all" and stop before it's out of hand.

But I won't have to worry about those days until this fast is over. For the next 34 days, every single thing I eat is already mapped out, and I'm going to stick to it. I still haven't heard about the official date of my big photo shoot, but if I get any say in the matter, I'm going to do it on day 34, when I should be at my thinnest. Yay!

I'm so happy to have SO MANY people who are on my side this time, holding me accountable. I feel like you guys actually outnumber the nay-sayers for once! :-D

It makes me stronger, it makes me want to defy the world. It makes me feel like I'm going to wear my red bracelet no matter what - if Nicole Richie gets away with it, then so will I! If people ask questions, I'll dodge them with clever answers or just not answer them at all. And I'm not going to eat, no matter what -- there are plenty of excuses to not eat, and I'm gonna use them all and then make up some more! People can encourage me all they want, but they'll never be able to PHYSICALLY shove stuff in my mouth. I AM IN CONTROL.

I am going to look DAMN good at the photo shoot. I'm going to shock everyone at home with how thin I've gotten when I go back for the holidays. I'm going to go to all the parties and look drop-dead gorgeous, and seeing my reflection and hearing the compliments will make me not want to eat another thing ever. Damn the pressure. Damn the hunger. Overcoming my weaknesses can only make me stronger.

I am going to make it all the way through this 34 days!

Monday, October 1, 2007

Wow! I'm really sort of overwhelmed at how popular the blog is -- I really had no idea how many people stop by to read it on a daily basis. Thanks for your comments and well wishes - You guys are awesome!

Welcome, to those of you who are joining me on this 34-day fast, facebook or not. I really hope you'll keep posting comments and sending me emails, as this helps to keep ME on track too. Accountability is my #1 defense.

I woke up this morning really excited about having a plan in place again. Flying (eating) by the seat of my pants just wasn't working anymore. I love structure in my life, and control. I have such an inner peace now that there's a long-term plan to look forward to.

At this moment I'm only 17 hours into the fast, and so far it's pretty darn easy, as expected. I've got a little bit of a headache, and my stomach just growled for the first time which made me laugh hysterically. I've had half a liter of water, and the cold weather is tempting me to go get a coffee, but I'm abstaining for now. But I'm expecting the first big temptation to happen tonight, after I haven't eaten for almost 24 hours, so maybe I'll wait to get coffee at the bookstore, where I can be out of temptation's path.

Someone asked me in a previous comment if I drink only water? The answer is unfortunately "no, I'm not that strong." On the facebook fast, everyone has an option if they want to water-fast (strictly water only on fasting days), juice-fast (100% juice, water, and nothing else on fasting days), or liquid-fast (coffee, tea, juice, milk, water, lemonade, soda -- any liquid DRINK, not including smoothies, shakes, or soups).

The last time I did this 34-day fast, I was juice-fasting. It was fun, because it's really hard to find a 100% juice out there that a) tastes good, b) is low enough calories that you can have a decent amount without going over your limit, c) isn't exorbitantly priced. I finally found one this summer that I liked: V8 Fusion's Light blends in the 12 oz bottles. I tried it because I found them cheap at a wholesale market. They tasted surprisingly good, and they had "a full day's serving of fruits and vegetables" at only 80 calories per bottle. So I enjoyed that while it lasted.

This time around I'm doing a liquid-fast. At least to start. (Which is to say: I know myself. I know I'll change my mind and "readjust the plan" sooner than I think.) I find that when I deprive myself too much I tend to give into binges too quickly. So if I feel here like I have loose reins, I'm much more likely to stay on track.

Looking back on my excel charts, I stuck to the last 34-day fast for about two weeks before everyone in the facebook group dropped out and I lost the will to drive. So I'm hoping this time around to go at least double that (4 weeks) and by that point I'll feel like, "If I've gone four weeks, I've only got one week to go!" and I'll finish the full 34-days.

Again.... thanks to all of you faithful readers. I'm really humbled. :)

Sunday, September 30, 2007

The next great 34-day fast begins tonight!!! Stay tuned for the plan in just a few hours...

.................................................

8:00 pm EST - The next great 34-day fast has begun! This very moment marks the start of day ONE of the great fast - day one of a one-day fast, meaning nothing but liquids from 8 pm tonight until 8 am Tuesday morning.

While I'll be administrating the group on facebook (if you're a facebook memeber and would like to join, msg me by searching for "Ana Regzig"), I'll be posting all my personal feelings and griefs and joys and successes and struggles and failures HERE. I tend to be pretty prolific, so I'd rather not clog up the group with anything that's not concise.

Wish me luck!

Monday, September 24, 2007

These tips are reminders as much to myself as to anyone. Gearing up for the next great 34-day fast!

Distraction from hunger/eating:

  • #1 - ALWAYS have a bottle of water, tea, diet coke, SOMETHING to drink in your hand. You'll be amazed how often you take sips off it without even thinking, keeping you full and distracted.
  • Clean something that's filthy, like the toilet or the cat's litter box. Take the garbage out and then scrub the inside of the can before you replace the liner. The smell alone will gross you out so much you'll NEVER want to eat again.
  • Make a rule of keeping the kitchen absolutely SPOTLESS at all times! Absolutely no dirty dishes in the sink or dishwasher, or drying on the side. Keep the towels folded neatly, the spices all lined up and facing label-side out, alphabetize them or put them in height order. Scrub the floor again. If you make a rule of keeping it immaculate at all times, you won't be so tempted to fix something to eat thus creating more mess to clean.
  • Purge your stores. Take at least 10 items from your closet, 2 pairs of shoes, and 5 pieces of jewelry and donate them to a local Goodwill or Salvation Army. Then treat yourself to a new outfit - dress, shoes, jewelry, and a hat, belt, or handbag! You'll feel better for helping a good cause - and burn calories without eating at the same time.
  • Give yourself a manicure. Even if it's only been three days since your last one. If your nails are wet, they can't be digging inside a bag of chips!
  • Brush your teeth - again. You'll be less tempted to get your teeth and mouth dirty again with food.
  • Keep your lipstick touched up 24 hours a day. Moisturizer, liner, color, and gloss. Not only will you be constantly beautiful, but you won't be tempted to mess them up by putting food in your mouth. Sip water with a straw.
  • Purge your kitchen. Start by drinking two full 8-oz glasses of ice cold water, so you'll feel full and cold and won't be tempted to eat. Then get a bag or a box and clean out your cabinets and your fridge of anything that isn't high-fiber, high-protein or low-cal. Donate it to a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. On your way home, drink another liter of cold water and feel great about your good deeds!
  • Do spring cleaning in the fall! Start at the top of each room, clean the dust bunnies out of all the corners, off the ceiling fans, dust the tops of shelves, and work your way down until you're sweeping/mopping/vacuuming the floors. Burn calories, burn! Have a tall glass of ice-cold lemon water every hour as you go, to keep your stomach from growling.
  • DANCE! Why wait to get to the club? Dim the lights, or turn off the bulb-lights and light a slew of candles. Put on a disc of all your favorite dance tunes and pump up the volume! Even better - set up a full-length mirror and work on your dance moves. Which moves could look better if you were just five pounds thinner? Let these images be your own thinspiration.
  • Look at that journal of thinspo again. Then look in the mirror and remember how far you have to go. Skim through magazines or online articles and find at least 10 new pictures to add.
  • Set your alarm to go off every half-hour. Set your shoes by the front door. No matter what you're doing when the alarm goes off, drop it, put on your shoes, and walk around the block as fast as you can. When you get home, have an 8-oz glass of ice water and set the alarm for the next half-hour.
  • Get creative. Do you sew, knit, or crochet? Are you great at pottery or glass etching, origami, painting or sketching? Are you an excellent poetess? Get started NOW on creative, beautiful, and thoughtful gifts for Christmas. And picture how skinny you'll be by the time you give these gifts to your loved ones.
  • Feel like you're about to binge? Before you open the fridge, write a one-page journal entry about why you feel like eating, ask yourself if you're really hungry or just bored. Remind yourself of your goals and question if this binge is going to help you reach those goals. Don't like writing essays? Don't allow yourself to eat UNLESS you write that page!
  • Write out a precise schedule of everything you're going to do tomorrow to stay distracted. (ex: 10 am-walk the dog, 10:30-lift weights, 11-wash dishes by hand, 11:30-shower, Noon-redo hair and makeup, 12:30-manicure, etc...) Don't allow yourself anytime to rest or eat. Only cold water. Then STICK to it!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

It's been a busy couple of days, which is great because it's kept me distracted from hunger and kept me moving (ie. burning calories). I made it another 48 hours on nothing but liquids, but I had to see a friend from out of town tonight, and we went for sushi. I ordered two small rolls, and doggy-bagged half of it for home, then tossed it in a big garbage behind a restaurant before I got here. (Shame to waste, but "better wasted than waisted.")

There's been some interest on the facebook about possibly starting another group fast. This is perfect timing for me, since I just found out I have a major photo shoot in the first week of November. I want to lose as much weight as possible before then. (If you want to join us, log on to facebook.com and search "Ana Regzig", msg me and I'll add you as a friend.)

I also want to address a request I had from J:

Hi friend. I'm glad you like the blog, and I thank you for your loyalty. I certainly never did this to be "famous" or "popular." On the contrary, more often than not I feel like I'd rather disappear into thin air, which is probably what makes me do what I do with fasting and restricting. But blogging gives me a safe place to journal my thoughts and lock them out in cyberspace. Having a seperate private identity gives me freedom to be my true self away from the public persona I wear daily in the real-world. The blog is a permanent reminder of where I've been and what I'm feeling without having an actual physical notebook or files saved on my computer or something that can be found in my possession and get me in trouble.

If you've been reading for sometime, you know already that I'm in sort of a high-profile career, I'm in show business. I'm not uber-famous like Nicole Richie or anything, but it's enough that any blemish on my personal facade could be detrimental to my career. Some of my closest personal real-life friends know that I have struggled with an eating disorder in the past, but right now I am purporting to be "recovered," and every day I strive to appear "normal and healthy" in public knowing full well that I come home and write my REAL story here to you guys.

I did get brave once and put a few personal pictures on my facebook profile. That lasted all of about four days until the paranoia had my head so fucked up that I had to take them down or risk seriously being thrown into an asylum. It was chaos -- if anyone from the real-world ever figured out my secret, or anyone from my ana-world figured out who I really am... oh God, just the thought sets me shaking. I seriously don't think I could handle being "caught." I'd be destroyed.

Thus... I can't put up any personal pics, face or no face. Professionally and personally, it's just not a good idea. I know it seems hypocritical to post someone else's fat picture, but (my justification is) that was done in a moment of extreme anger and grief. If it bugs anyone too much, just tell me and I'll take it down. These posts are not un-edit-able.

Meantime, my third fast of the week begins right now, or rather began tonight at about 7 pm. I haven't been to the gym for two days and I feel like a fucking cow. Can't wait to get in another 10-mile run tomorrow -- this new regimen has got me excited.

As soon as I get an exact date for the big photo shoot, I'll post a countdown ticker. That'll be fun. For now, I know the third fast in one week is going to be the hardest one of all. But it's worth it to be thin again.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Just a quick note before I dash out the door to a busy day... as of today, this blog has been viewed 2000 times. Not bad for only 90 posts!

Friday, September 21, 2007

I'm so disgusted by some of the things I've read on my own blog from the past two months. How the hell could I even THINK of eating???

I've been fasting for two solid days now, going into my third today, and I feel flippin' fantastic! Coffee is great, but it works so much better to hype you up on an empty stomach! And fasting has this great way of clearing my mind, making me feel more alert, more aware of myself. It feels great to be EMPTY.

I am starting to get just a little bit jittery. I've had the fuel of broken friendships to spur me on the past couple of days. But today the anger is beginning to subside, leaving room for hunger. I love feeling empty, but my energy is beginning to wane.

I found these South Beach diet box lunches at the grocery store on sale. Less than 300 calories for some chicken, chips, and a jello dessert cup. If I can't stand it anymore, I might have one. But then that's it... fasting again for at least another 48 hours before I eat again.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Just would like to show the world a picture of the FAT WHORE my ex is now dating.

[This image has been removed.]


Now, I may have let myself go lately, and I consider myself to be overweight, but I can safely say I am nowhere NEAR the size of this whale! She's got a flat face, crispy 80s hair, chipmunk cheeks, and thunderthighs that make that zip-zip sound when she walks. When she sits down wearing hiphuggers, she has to do that awful move (which she tries so desperately to hide) where she has to adjust the waistband of her pants from under her spare tire to over. Ugh!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

What a fucking fool I've been!

I worked. I gained weight. Work stopped coming. My "friends" have all lied to me. One of my own good friends got married and didn't even bother to fucking tell me!!! How the hell does that happen?? My ex is now blasting pictures of him and the fat whore he took up after cheating on me. Well, fuck them all. I'm going to be skinnier and more beautiful than ALL of them. We'll see who gets the last laugh.

August was a tough month for me. I worked non-fucking-stop. Work is great, it means the $$ rolls in. But it also means long days on the set, and acting "normal" around people. Which requires eating, at least to some small degree.

And people are ALWAYS critical. If they don't comment out loud that "You don't eat enough," then they sit back and stare as you stuff your face, and you know they're thinking, "She could stand to lose a few pounds."

Well after a month of that damn roller coaster, someone convinced me that "Being healthy is better than being skinny." And I fucking believed them. For the past three weeks, I've been eating "normally," and have managed not to gain any more weight than I did when I was working.

However, I HATE how much I weigh now!!! Sure, I'm not gaining, and people say I should be "grateful," but I'm not losing either, and I'm not a completely happy person unless that number on the scale goes DOWN every day!!!
-----

I last talked to my friend "N" in May. He's got a new girlfriend, and I think that's awesome. He's crazy about her like I've never seen him go crazy for anyone before, and I really am very happy for him. (No, we never dated, it's just one of those really cool no-frills guy/girl friendships.) So when he stopped hanging out and calling me so much, I was totally ok with giving him some space to get to know his new girl. I thought, "When the time is right, he'll introduce her to his inner circle of friends. I'll wait til then."

That was only 3 months ago.

Then last night I was tooling around facebook and found his "girlfriend's" photo albums. And I thought, "hmmmm.... that's a beautiful white dress, but it looks an awful lot like a wedding gown. I wonder who the guy is?" And as I scanned through the pictures, I found one with a beautifully inscripted date "August 28, 2007" and their first names together with one last name.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?


In a state of complete mental shock, I immediately called up my best friend, "M." The three of us used to be inseperable, so if he hadn't told me, I knew she was going to be shocked as hell. When I asked her, "Guess who got married and didn't tell us?" She says, "Oh, him? Yeah that was three weeks ago, you didn't know?"

What the fuck?!? No, I didn't know! And why the hell didn't YOU tell me when you found out???

No, I didn't yell at her. I'm too much in shock. I just got really silent, and she knew something was up. It's bad enough he didn't tell me, but I can understand. Maybe he got his girlfriend pregnant and they had to get married quick (southerners, ya know?). But to try to stifle the silence on the phone, "M" starts going on about, "Remember how he used to be SOOO in love with me? Can you imagine how mad I am that he didn't tell me?"

Um.... my best friend didn't tell me either, so YEAH, I think I have an idea how YOU might fucking feel. Nice of you to think about how I feel too.

I fucking hung up the phone.

I'm too enraged right now, but in another note later I'll have to tell you all about my ex, the fat whore with whom he cheated on me, and the new "happy couple" pictures they've put up. Ugh. I need to go vomit now.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

15 Foods To Help You Lose
WebMD Feature from "Good Housekeeping" Magazine; By Denise Foley


New research points to more than a dozen foods, from beans to beef, that can help you fight hunger, kick your candy addiction, boost your metabolism-and ultimately shed pounds. And some of these superfoods deliver health bonuses too.

1. Eggs. Skip the bagel this morning. Eggs, which are full of protein, will help you feel fuller longer-a lot longer. A multicenter study of 30 overweight or obese women found that those who ate two scrambled eggs (with two slices of toast and a reduced-calorie fruit spread) consumed less for the next 36 hours than women who had a bagel breakfast of equal calories. Other research has shown that protein may also prevent spikes in blood sugar, which can lead to food cravings.

2. Beans. You've probably never heard of cholecystokinin, but it's one of your best weight-loss pals. This digestive hormone is a natural appetite suppressant. So how do you get more cholecystokinin? One way, report researchers at the University of California at Davis, is by eating beans: A study of eight men found that their levels of the hormone (which may work by keeping food in your stomach longer) were twice as high after a meal containing beans than after a low-fiber meal containing rice and dry milk. There's also some evidence that beans keep blood sugar on an even keel, so you can stave off hunger longer. Heart-health bonus: High-fiber beans can lower your cholesterol.

3. Salad. Do you tend to stuff yourself at meals? Control that calorie intake by starting with a large salad (but hold the creamy dressing). In a study of 42 women at Penn State University, those who ate a big, low-cal salad consumed 12 percent less pasta afterward-even though they were offered as much as they wanted. The secret, say researchers, is the sheer volume of a salad, which makes you feel too full to pig out. Health bonus: A study published in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association found that people who ate one salad a day with dressing had higher levels of vitamins C and E, folic acid, lycopene, and carotenoids-all disease fighters-than those who didn't add salad to their daily menu.

4. Green tea. The slimming ingredient isn't caffeine. Antioxidants called catechins are what help speed metabolism and fat burning. In a recent Japanese study, 35 men who drank a bottle of oolong tea mixed with green tea catechins lost weight, boosted their metabolism, and had a significant drop in their body mass index. Health bonus: The participants also lowered their (bad) LDL cholesterol.

5. Pears. They're now recognized as having more fiber, thanks to a corrected calculation by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. At six grams (formerly four grams) per medium-size pear, they're great at filling you up. Apples come in second, with about three grams per medium-size fruit. Both contain pectin fiber, which decreases blood-sugar levels, helping you avoid between-meal snacking. This may explain why, in a Brazilian study that lasted 12 weeks, overweight women who ate three small pears or apples a day lost more weight than women on the same diet who ate three oat cookies daily instead of the fruit.

6. Soup. A cup of chicken soup is as appetite blunting as a piece of chicken: That was the finding of a Purdue University study with 18 women and 13 men. Why? Researchers speculate that even the simplest soup satisfies hunger because your brain perceives it as filling.

7. Lean beef. It's what's for dinner-or should be, if you're trying to shed pounds. The amino acid leucine, which is abundant in proteins like meat and fish as well as in dairy products, can help you pare down while maintaining calorie-burning muscle. That's what it did for 24 overweight middle-aged women in a study at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Eating anywhere from nine to 10 ounces of beef a day on a roughly 1,700-calorie diet helped the women lose more weight, more fat, and less muscle mass than a control group consuming the same number of calories, but less protein. The beef eaters also had fewer hunger pangs.

8. Olive oil. Fight off middle-age pounds with extra virgin olive oil. A monounsaturated fat, it'll help you burn calories. In an Australian study, 12 postmenopausal women (ages 57 to 73) were given a breakfast cereal dressed either with a mixture of cream and skim milk or half an ounce of olive oil and skim milk. The women who ate the oil-laced muesli boosted their metabolism. Don't want to add olive oil to your oatmeal? That's OK-it works just as well in salad dressings, as a bread dip, or for sautéing.

9. Grapefruit. It's back! A 2006 study of 91 obese people conducted at the Nutrition and Metabolic Research Center at Scripps Clinic found that eating half a grapefruit before each meal or drinking a serving of the juice three times a day helped people drop more than three pounds over 12 weeks. The fruit's phytochemicals reduce insulin levels, a process that may force your body to convert calories into energy rather than flab.

10. Cinnamon. Sprinkle it on microwave oatmeal or whole-grain toast to help cure those mid-afternoon sugar slumps. Research from the U.S.
Department of Agriculture found that a little cinnamon can help control post-meal insulin spikes, which make you feel hungry. Health bonus: One USDA study showed that just a quarter teaspoon of cinnamon a day lowered the blood sugar, cholesterol, and triglyceride levels in people with type 2 diabetes.

11. Vinegar. It's a great filler-upper. In a Swedish study, researchers found that people who ate bread dipped in vinegar felt fuller than those who had their slices plain. The probable reason: Acetic acid in the vinegar may slow the passage of food from the stomach into the small intestine, so your tummy stays full longer. Vinegar can also short-circuit the swift blood-sugar rise that occurs after you eat refined carbs such as white bread, cookies, and crackers.

12. Tofu. It seems too light to be filling, but a study at Louisiana State University showed that tofu does the job. Researchers tested it against chicken as a pre-meal appetizer for 42 overweight women-and the participants who had tofu ate less food during the meal. The secret: Tofu is an appetite-quashing protein.

13. Nuts. Yes, they are fattening: A handful of peanuts is about 165 calories. But research shows that people who snack on nuts tend to be slimmer than those who don't. A study from Purdue University found that when a group of 15 normal-weight people added about 500 calories worth of peanuts to their regular diet, they consumed less at subsequent meals. The participants also revved up their resting metabolism by 11 percent, which means they burned more calories even when relaxing. Health bonus: Walnuts contain omega-3 fatty acids. And researchers at Loma Linda University recently found that eating 10 to 20 whole pecans daily can reduce heart disease risks.

14. High-fiber cereal. Studies show that you can curb your appetite by eating a bowl for breakfast. But how well does it really work? Researchers at the VA Medical Center and the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis tested the theory against the ultimate diet challenge: the buffet table. They gave 14 volunteers one of five cereals before sending them out to the smorgasbord. Those who'd had the highest-fiber cereal ate less than those who didn't have as much fiber in the morning. Try General Mills Fiber One (14 grams per serving) or Kellogg's All Bran With Extra Fiber (13 grams per serving).

15. Hot red pepper. Eating a bowl of spicy chili regularly can help you lose weight. In a Japanese study, 13 women who ate breakfast foods with red pepper (think southwestern omelet) ate less than they normally did at lunch. The magic ingredient may be capsaicin, which helps suppress appetite.

DISCLAIMER: I had to put in a "healthy" article in the hopes that Facebook will not kick me off their system. Grrrr.

Friday, August 31, 2007

ANA IS BACK.


And not a moment too soon. After an overwhelming 10 straight days on set, and all the "normal" eating I had to do, with no opportunity to hit the gym, I have ballooned up to an enormous 140 lb. cow. I cannot explain how much I loathe myself. My fat, hideous, enormous self. It's intense.

Without telling my agent, I'm leaving town on a much-needed vacation. I need to get away so that I can regroup and get my wits together. I tried to eat healthy whenever possible, but my poor metabolism is so shot to hell that any calories at all went straight to my hips and butt and stayed there.

Yesterday I began restricting again. Hard. The hunger is FIERCE. I can't believe I ate for ten straight days. I hate wearing my clothes, they feel all tight and I can't stand my fat self.

This morning I'm going to hit the gym for some intense cardio, then come home, pack and close up shop. I'm not telling anyone where I'm running away to, but rest assured there'll be tons of opportunities for huge calorie-burning activities, and lots and lots of yummy air and water. No craft services tables, no interns bringing snacks and drinks every fucking time we take 5. Ugh.

I don't know how anyone can call this career path "glamorous." It's fucking TORTURE. Every single fucking day the public pressures you to be thinner, and the production assistants try to serve you with food. WTF? Acting is not THAT fucking exhausting that I need a coke or food every time I step off set!

And bless the craft services lady's heart. Her whole world revolves around which items you choose to eat or not. She's like a grandma, watching your choices like a hawk. She's crushed if you don't help yourself to seconds of her homemade vanilla granola cookies like the grips do. She can't understand why you only ate half the fish at lunch. She pouts because she thinks you didn't like the way she prepared it. Ugh. Now THAT'S exhausting.

But then you're back in front of the camera, and when you see the playback you notice the jiggle under your arms or the extra crease when you pull your chin back too far. :::SCREAM!!!!::: And you wish to God you hadn't had that extra cracker with cheese which is now forever stuck on film, and which will soon be blown up on a forty foot tall screen where the whole world will be able to see your arm jiggle in excruciatingly gruesome High Definition.

Ana... come back to me. Forgive me Ana, for I have eaten. As I repent of my wicked ways, please take me back into your clutches and give me strength to starve back into a withered waif. Lead me not into temptation (the kitchen), but deliver me to the gym, and make me want to stay there until it's all gone. Thank you Ana, for you have not left my mind. Now seize my fat and make it go away until I shrivel back into nothingness. For it is only the skinny girls who get the jobs, even if it is the jobs that make us not skinny.

Friday, August 24, 2007

I am not what I ought to be.
I am not what I want to be.
I am not what I hope to be.
But still,
    I am not what I used to be.
And by the grace of God,
    I am what I am.
--John Newton

Monday, August 20, 2007

"Think animalistically. If you want to be long and lean like a gazelle, you've got to work and eat like a gazelle: graze vegetarian all day and keep constantly moving, with an occasional sprint for fun. If you want to be thick and tough like a bear, then eat and work like a bear: gorge on meat and feast on sweets for a season, then sleep all winter."

BALANCE


Well the fasting worked for a bit. About a month. I lost 20 pounds.

But a month after that, I'm still stuck at the same damn weight, and each time I fast, it seems I only get down to the same weight, having spent the entire fast working off the last "reward binge."

And I'm having a harder and harder time sticking to a planned fast every time. This is due in part to waning willpower, but also not helping is the fact that I'm working so much. Now, I can't complain; work is $$. Work is neccessary. But in order to NOT get caught at my eating disorder, work requires me to at least appear to eat "normally" more and more often.

And the marathon cardio workouts were fun (especially when the scale reflected my hard work the next day) but they've gotten boring, and tough to match daily with my heavy work schedule.

I have also theorized that I may be stuck at this plateaued weight because I haven't weighed this little in almost ten years. Therefore, the 20 lbs I've just lost was not as concretely cemented to my hips as the next 20 is going to be. And let's not forget that that's a total of FORTY pounds from my highest weight ever. Not too shabby.

So for the next 20 lbs to go (and the ultimate 7 more after that), I've decided that a little more BALANCE is going to be required in my life. If I'm going to have to eat, I want to at least do it healthy and not look like I'm crazy (which is indeed driving me crazy).

This doesn't mean I can't fast for one or two days once in a while if I feel like I need it, or if I need to make up for overeating one day. But the extreme yo-yo'ing has to stop; it's not doing me any good. And I know it's OBLITERATING my metabolism.

And I've got to make time to concentrate on more serious weight training/core training during my gym runs. Muscle might weigh more, but it eats up more calories than pounds of fat, so in order to expose my ladder, I'm going to have to expose a six-pack too. And the added muscle will help me from gaining weight back too quick when I have to go back out on another ship.

Lately my workouts have been more fun, better to look forward to. I get the hard stuff out of the way first, I run for about a half-hour. Then (every other day) I head upstairs to do circuit training (arms/legs/abs) for about 40 minutes. I do whatever it takes to get in three sets. Then I head back to cardio for a 45-minute ride on the elliptical, followed up by a 15-minute cooldown walk on "hills" for an added butt-blast.

This seems more like the kind of workout I could commit to doing seven days a week, instead of doing a four-hour cardio marathon one day (with zero calorie intake) and then being so beat the next day that I can hardly move.

I'm no longer counting "calories burned" at the gym. I think those machine's estimates are WAY over anyway. It's time consuming and usually doesn't equate exactly to what shows up on the scale next day, which frustrates the HELL out of me. (Kind of a math nut.)

But I am still counting distance, as I think the machines are a little more accurate at this, and that keeps me focused on a long-term goal. My little goal is to go more than I did last year, 500 miles, which requires me to go 16 miles per week. My big goal is go double that, which is 33 miles per week, to get to 1000 miles for the year.

As for intake... I'm going to try to keep it varied. "Variety is the spice of life." Varied in number of calories, and varied in the ways I take them in. If I work too hard to deny myself the things my body craves, I only end up bingeing, and that's regrettable. God made our bodies to be able to tell us when we're lacking something we need nutritionally. Not many things should be off limits. Although there are now a few things I am quite adverse to (powdered donuts, pretzels, Quiznos, Pizza Hut) having over-binged on them and feeling the extreme pain they've caused to my body while never really achieving the satisfaction I was aiming for.

The new concentration is going to be focusing on foods of which I can eat a LOT (to feel like I'm indulging) that don't cost me a lot in calories. Things like:

  • a whole bag of salad with 5 tbsp of organic raspberry vinaigrette (80 calories)
  • Soup-at-Hand single servings of Italian Style Wedding, Chicken and Stars, Vegetable Beef (90, 70, and 60 calories)
  • my favorite oatmeal and cinnamon with fat-free milk (200 calories, 6g fiber)
  • 1 cup of Kashi Vive cereal (170 calories, 12g fiber)
  • 12 oz V8 Fusion Light juices (my new addiction) (80 calories, a full serving of fruits/veggies!)
  • 2 at a time sugar-free popsicles (30 calories)
  • single cups of frozen fruit, such a great treat (sub-100 calories)
  • and of course.... my Venti Starbucks (160 calories)


If I were to have one of EVERYTHING I just listed, I still wouldn't go over 1000 calories a day. "Restricting" consistently (combined with consistent exercise) regulates your metabolism more efficiently than fasting/bingeing. This - I think - is the key to achieving BALANCE.

If I can try to schedule enough of this in a breakfast/lunch/dinner pattern, I will feel a little more BALANCED and in control. And when you think of it, I went ana to get "in control" of my weight anyway. I know the weight loss will be slower from now on, but hopefully it will at least be steady. I feel like I NEED to be down to 110 by Christmas. If I can achieve that, and hold it over the holidays, then I can continue losing the last 17 at the start of the new year or as soon as I get off my next ship, whichever comes first.
There's a kind of a sort of... cost
There's a couple of things get... lost
There are bridges you crossed
You didn't know you'd crossed until you'd crossed...
--Wicked, the musical

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Down three pounds today. Two days left to go on this 4-day liquid fast.

I've become such a coffee snob; it's great. I like the fake-a-ccinos at one convenience store, but not the other, despite their having the same price (and considerably lower than Starbucks). I like to fill a 24 oz. cup with half-cappuccino, 1/4 hazelnut steamer, and 1/4 vanilla latte. mmmmmmmmmmm. Somehow, this also tends to lend a little more caffeine kick (or it could be that, as the fast goes on, there's less and less inside carbs to soak it up).

I'm also enjoying the effects of the tanning I've signed up for. I go for the minimum time, but I love that little extra "glow" it gives me. For health reasons, I'm not really supposed to lie in a tanning bed, but I don't really see the difference between this and lying out in the Caribbean sun. My whole family has died from cancer, and here I am trying to kill myself with an eating disorder. So what's the difference?

And I've got a new outlook at the gym. I can tell that I'm losing muscle mass from the on-and-off fasting and bingeing, so I'm trying to mix a considerable amount of weightlifting in with the cardio. I'm hoping to build back some calorie-burning-muscle, and also hope that the mix of cardio/w'lifting/cardio will cause an "intervals" effect of keeping my metabolism running for longer. And while I'm still tabulating cardio distance (my goal is to run/walk/ellipse 1000 miles in 2007), I've quit keeping up with calories-burned. Now it's more about paying attention to my body -- for what good is it to "press on and keep going" today if it's going to cause me to want to pig out when I get home because I'm so miserably depleted of calories?

The pounds are going to come off slower this time, I'm sure of it. Of course the fifteen pounds I put on on the ship would have come off easiest. But now I'm working on weight that I've been carrying for ten years. It's going to be considerably more difficult. So I'm attempting the "slow and steady" course.

:::sigh:::


P.S. Sometime last weekend, this blog surpassed 1000 views. Not bad for a blog that only has less than 100 entries. ;)

Friday, August 17, 2007

DAMNIT! Only three days of "eating normal" on set, and I put on 10 fucking pounds!!! I hate this!!!!

Every time the director called "take five" there was an assistant on hand asking if I needed anything, something to drink or eat usually. In an attempt to appear normal, I tried to order when the other actors ordered or munched, etc, and of course I had to eat the catered lunches. I also had to eat at night when a few of us went out for "drinks" but technically it's "schmoozing." Ugh... I love the WORK in this business, but I hate all the behind-the-scenes BULLSHIT we have to go through...

Anyway, I didn't have the opportunity to tally calories (only guess), I didn't have any place to workout or go to a gym, and I definitely couldn't fast or even restrict. :( Being on set there's not much to do other than sit around and wait for your shot to be ready, and if you move around too much people get nervous. So you sit and behave and drink too much coffee and the only fun people are the tech guys who are ALWAYS swarming around the crafts table, munching away. Ugh.

Today I had my last meal when I had a final "lunch out" with one of the girls. There was this adorable little creperie that she insisted I must try. But I'm sorry... I've been to France, and I know crepes are only supposed to be about as long as your hand, maybe the girth of a paper-towel-tube. The "fresh fruit ice cream" crepe she ordered was bigger than most burritos you'd get at a mexican restaurant!!! And it was STUFFED with whip cream, ice cream, and the oh-so-occasional slice of a strawberry. Jesus God... what a way to go.

Paying the bill at that place was like dumping a weighted backpack off. It was me finally signing off of this project - completed and done - and getting back to ana. Praying to God that it's not too late.

When I got home, I immediately shucked off all my clothes and jumped on the scale. 138!!! Oh my GOD!!!! That's only EIGHT POUNDS shy of what I weighed when I left the ship! How the hell could I let this happen! Ok, clearly my metabolism is 100% fucked up, because I don't know any normal human being who can put on 13 pounds of weight in a mere 3 and a half days!!!! It's not HUMAN!

So I'm hoping that when I wake up in the morning after a good night's sleep and a morning pee I won't be any more than 135. But jeez!!! Then I have to spend all weekend trying to shed this 10 pounds I've put on. I will be on pure liquids for the next four days at least, I promise you that.

Granted, I have a minor audition tomorrow, but that will be easy enough to push through. I'll have church Sunday morning, but a little coffee and some friendly distraction should get me through that. (Please God, don't let the girls in my carpool invite me to lunch. If they do, I'll have to fake a stomachache.)

Other than that, I have from now until next Tuesday to do a liquid fast and try to get back down to my 125 level. I'm looking forward to a lot of water, a little juice, enough coffee, and GETTING BACK TO THE GYM!!! Ugh.

Tuesday I have another shoot (one day only, thank God), and Wed/Thur I have another major audition (probably going to need at least breakfast each day). ~~~Lord, help me to be strong, grant me your Grace to shed these 10 pretty fast, and maybe even to shed even at least one more before I have to go back to work on Tuesday.~~~

I feel like such a lardo right now. My pants actually fit around the hips, and my thighs have expanded back out - gross!! My arms still look ok, and I can still see the shadow of my ladder when I reach back. But my stomach is THE WORST. I have a little buddha-belly sticking out, and the rolls of fat are grossing me out.

Oh Lord! I cannot get back on a treadmill fast enough!!!

I have to go sign up for tanning sessions and try to get in at least a few hours at the gym tomorrow morning. Then I'm gonna come back here and scrub the shower while I'm in it, hopefully will burn a few extra calories (and get the horrific smell of cats, sweat and PISS out of that place - I swear, my roommates are worse than GUYS).

Monday, August 13, 2007

It's 1:30 am. My alarm is set for 5:45 am.

I had two fruit smoothies, and two venti Starbucks today. This has been my FOURTH day with no food.

I am afraid I may not sleep AT ALL tonight.

I know I absolutely SHOULD sleep. I walked about eight miles just shopping today. It was a HUGE mall (so big that it had TWO Starbucks - yay!). And I'm only getting up at 5:45 so I can pack, get ready and get to my audition on time. I need to be alert and in good shape for my audition.

But my poor little brain is still racing, and I'm still packing. I can't even hold still long enough to concentrate on one task for very long. Before I can finish the task, my mind starts remembering something else that needs to be done before I can go to bed, and I get distracted...

I just glanced over at the bed, which is piled up with stuff in various stages of packing. I need to quit blogging and get over there...

Ok... just so you know, I'm going to be on location for the next few days, and if I get a half-second to get on the internet at all, it will be on the company's network, and that means NO visiting the ana facebook or this ana blog, or anything to do with ana. It could get me fired.

So don't fret if you don't hear from me for a little while. The shoot is only supposed to be through Wednesday, but there's a lot of scenes, and this director is good, but sometimes time slips away, so it has the possibility of extending into Thursday.

But please keep praying that I can keep up my energy. I really wanted to continue this all-liquid fast for as long as possible, and if I pull close to an all-nighter, tomorrow I'm going to DEPEND on vast amounts of coffee with no food, at least until the audition is over. My friend and I are scheduled to have a sushi lunch or dinner sometime after that (so my protruding belly won't show in my beautiful audition dress), and I'm going to take a few sub-100 snacks with me in my bag in case I get restless or tempted.

But if I can stick to liquids only for the next two or three days, in the face of having to work, I'm going to definitely come out of this THINNER, LIGHTER and so friggin' ecstatic that I'll be bouncing off the walls from more than just caffeine. ;)

Sunday, August 12, 2007

125!!! I can hardly believe it! Praise the Lord!! (Although He's probably REALLY pissed at me right now for abandoning my walk with Him again to go with ana...)

125! I'm back down to the weight I was going into my LAST big audition, just in time for my next big audition tomorrow. And I still have all day today to continue the liquid fast!

This is DEFINITELY the kind of fast I could get used to. What a shame!! I have to work for the next few days and will have to eat at least a little. But perhaps if I keep over-caffeinating, I will be less tempted to binge and more tempted to restrict. I know I'm going to get a LOT of walking in today, plus shopping is supposed to raise your heartrate too...

Well, one thing's for sure... it's not hard to over-caffeinate in Manhattan! There are over 170 Starbucks locations on this little island! There's TWO locations on some corners!!! (Unfortunately, there are nearly as many Dunkin' Donuts...)

HOORAY FOR CAFFEINE!!! HOORAY FOR STARBUCKS!!! Please, Ana, please... could I finally break this 125 barrier?!? Can I finally bust through the plateau and at least be 124 by tomorrow when I have to start eating again???

Saturday, August 11, 2007

vvvvvvvvvvv*** CAFFEINATED RAMBLING THOUGHTS ***vvvvvvvvvvv


Day 3 of the liquid fast went very well. Could not WAIT to try those V8 Fusion fruit/veg juices this morning and they were a GREAT breakfast! Kept me from having the 1 cup of grapes I was considering last night - yay! (Note to self: must go back to the store and stock up on these little delights while they're on sale...)

I can tell my body has gotten rid of all the nutrients and carbs and stuff from food, because suddenly just a little bit of coffee goes a long way. I am super-buzzed right now! I can't even keep my thoughts straight!

It feels great though... I can't believe I've only had ONE banana (as far as solid food) in the last three days. I'm not at all hungry or sluggish, but I know I'm starving, which makes me feel BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Well... maybe it's also that I haven't had just a "LITTLE BIT" of coffee... :) Today I've had a 24 oz cappuccino, a 12 oz coke zero, and a Venti Starbucks, all within about seven hours. Wooot!

All liquid, but still almost 700 calories! Ack! How much of that goes straight through, and how much sticks to your hips and needs to be burned?? We'll see how it stacks up on the scale tomorrow.

Down another pound this morning - hooray! Still not back to 125, but getting close. Tomorrow is the last day of the official "Liquid Fast."

After that, my schedule is cram-packed for the next five days, so I'm going to have to eat. I'll just have to be careful not to overload or binge, and undo all the hard work of the last four days. "Frugality and Restriction" will be my saving graces.

Tomorrow, a loooooooonnng day of shopping to keep me moving and distracted. I love the cool look of walking around a mega-mall with a Venti Starbucks cup in hand, so who knows how many of those I'll have tomorrow! I know there are at least 2 Starbucks kiosks inside the mall I'm going to. And I've pretty much decided to get another one of those yummy 24 oz cappuccino's on the ride out there. (Note to self: MUST remember to take at least 2 liters of water with me to temper all the caffeine!)

As it is already 10:30 at night and I need to go to bed before 1 am, I'm going to watch another movie and take a melatonin to try to dry up the caffeine so I can sleep properly tonight.

Lord knows, I am NOT taking care of my body this way! Living moment to moment, living on liquids only, carelessly ingesting as much caffeine as I want, not getting proper sleep or proper nutrition in any way... it's that "suicide-rush" that I've been trying to achieve with my donut-binges lately, only in a lower-calorie manner. I love it!!!!!!!

I only wish I didn't have to work for the next week or so... I still can't believe this is DAY THREE with NO FOOD and I don't even feel a little bit hungry! It makes me VERY curious to see how long I could go like this. Right now I feel like I could go for a full week, maybe even longer.

Imagine! One whole week with absolutely NO solid food!!! I've never accomplished that... boy, would I love to give it a try...
Day 2 of the liquid fast. Another good day.

Though I did give in to a banana for breakfast (still stuck on the whole "jump start your metabolism" thing), I only had one 24 oz. coffee after that, as far as calorie-intake for the day. Other than that, I had 1 liter of flavored water and two 20-oz. coke zeros.

I'm feeling good. I'm finally recalling that empty, hungry feeling, and how good it feels. I was down 3 lbs this morning... let's see if I'll have lost any more tomorrow.

I did have to fight off some longings for sugary donuts this morning, especially when I passed that $2.50 bag of crullers (2640 calories that I once finished in under 10 minutes) on my way to get the coffee. But the hungrier I got, the more determined I felt, and I found ways to distract myself.

I watched a movie, and a re-run of last night's BB8. The show had thinspirational Daniele, and the movie had thinsiprational Cate Blanchett.

The mail came and I needed to make a run to the bank. So I planned to stop by and exchange my movie at the same time. While I was there, I stopped in to the nearby 99-cent store to seek out and research cheap binges for my next crash. I can do mac-n-cheese with chicken for $1.60. Or a bag of Oreos for $2.00. Luckily, I had next to NO money in my wallet, and that kept me from purchasing anything.

Then I headed over to the other food cheap store, just to have some walking around to do. While there, I found 2/$1.00 V8 Fusion juice bottles at 80-cals apiece. I figured they'll be great tomorrow for a little variety on the juice fast.

Wanted to check out the trade paper, so I headed over to Borders where I can secretly read and copy without having to buy. Ended up spending the rest of the night there. Got totally absorbed in a book called "Finding God in Harry Potter" which details loads of Christian symbolism found in the popular series.

Now I'm home, it's midnight, and I'm overloaded on caffeine and feeling jittery. That's ok, I still have a ton of busy-work to attend to before I finally hit the hay tonight. Hope all the fidgeting is making up for a lack of enthusiasm for a gym-visit. We'll see what the scale says tomorrow and how it affects my gym-desire. And tomorrow night is church, probably with communion (since we missed it last week due to a guest speaker).

I am considering having a cup of grapes as my "jump start" breakfast tomorrow, but again... we'll see what the scale says and how it affects my will.
..............................................................


The book I was reading tonight had a very interesting description of the symbolism of a centaur, which reminded me very much of my own dual-natured struggle between being a Christian and doing the right, healthy thing, or being ana.

The centaur is first and foremost a symbol of man. It has the head and chest of a man and the body of a horse. The head and chest of a man are man's will, thought, and spirit; the horsey bottom is his desires or passions. The centaur is a comic picture of a man's dual nature as angel and beast. When man is right side up, his angelic part tells the horse's desires what to do, as a rider directs a horse; when the beast is in control, however, the belly of the horse drags the chest and head where it wants like a runaway pony.

I can honestly say that in the last two days, (with my apologies to my Christian heart being left behind) my ana horse is back up to a stealthy canter.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Today has been a good day.

Last night there was a party for a friend who is back in town to visit, and I saw a lot of my old good friends, and that made me very happy. I ate. I realized that my life is pretty good right now. I don't hate myself, I'm not depressed. And that's largely to blame for why I cannot bring myself to suppress my own appetite. It's a whole lot easier to not want to eat when I'm depressed and hate myself.

Well, I don't know how to make myself depressed, nor do I really want to. I like my life the way it is (except for my fat weight). My career's going well, I like my social life the way it is, I'm happy with where I am. All except for this damn weight which must decrease.

Today I decided to start fasting anew. Despite eating LOADS of munchies last night, I was quite the social butterfly. I haven't had time to go to the gym in about a week, but that also means I've been quite busy. Anyway, for whatever reason, I'm 131 lbs this morning. I'm not thrilled... it's been lower lately. But thank God, it's still the lowest weight I got to last year when I was "sick", and it's still 15 lbs less than when I left the ship.

So for that, today's been pretty easy to stick to liquids only. I'm not limiting the amount of coffee or juice I can have, and I'm not counting calories. But looking back at my food journal, it's been FAR TOO LONG since I had a single day with NO SOLID FOOD. (I foolishly believed that whole "never skip breakfast" myth. Total bullshit.) This has to be remedied.

So I'm going to have nothing but liquids for the next four days. As long as I'm not working, I'm not eating. And I don't have another audition or shoot scheduled until next Monday.

Also, I MUST get back to the gym. This will be a little easier now that my schedule is slowing down a bit.

Another thing that made me happy today was that I finally was OFFICIALLY inducted as a member of my home church. This has me OVER THE MOON!!! It's been a very long time since I put roots down ANYWHERE, so this is a HUGE step for me in my life. To actually DESIRE to be committed somewhere is.... a really big deal, to say the least.

And when I came home, my roommate -- God help me, but I just found out SHE'S PREGNANT -- had cooked up a huge pot of pasta. White, unrefined, simple carbs. The smell is INTENSE in this house! Suddenly my mind was racing with ways to justify eating just a little bowl of oatmeal, since I do have a small gig later tonight. Thankfully, I got on the facebook first, and seeing someone's suggestion of COFFEE there inpsired me to drown my food craving in a 20 oz cappuccino. Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!

So far today, I've had 3 cups of apple juice, and 2 cups of coffee, plus a liter of water. That's it. I feel pretty good about that. I'll probably have another liter of water during my gig tonight, and that will be the end of a good day one.

Once I head back to the gym, I imagine fasting will be a little bit tougher. But from where I was a few days ago -- wavering on whether to be ana again or not -- I feel a lot stronger. I feel committed to this fasting, or at least to this particular 4-day fast. After this, we'll see where my weight is compared to where my head is.

For today... I'm back. Full on, stronger than ever. And I have tied my bracelet back on to stay.

Monday, August 6, 2007

This is SO FUCKING HARD!!!

I feel like there are two different personas inside my brain who can never be at peace with one another. One says, "You can never be thin enough! You cannot be optimally successful in this career unless you lose some more weight! There is no other way to get thin but to starve and live Ana!" The other one says, "God loves you and is going to take care of your life no matter what. All you have to do is keep His temple, your body, in good condition. Weight is only a number. Health is what matters."


:::sigh:::


My biggest audition of the year was on Saturday. It's the same company I've been trying to get hired with for over five years now. And I have a funny feeling that this is my very last chance. If they don't hire me from this audition, I may lose all hope and never go back.

In the week or so leading up to the audition, I was convicted by God to quit facebooking, quit blogging, and to focus myself fully on serving Him and preparing for this audition. I experimented with restricting but not counting calories. I gave myself one eating day four days before the audition, and then cut back to less than 500-calories per day with NO sodium whatsoever until the day of the audition.

And after the audition, I made plans for a fucking FEAST.

The day of the audition, Saturday, I woke up weighing 125. I felt so proud of myself, feeling like God was smiling on me for having being obedient to Him and for attempting to do it healthfully instead of using Ana. The audition went well, as well as every other audition I've ever done for them. But whereas before I always walked out of those auditions feeling like I was on cloud nine and I was sure they would call to hire me tomorrow... this time I felt like, "Well, that's it. And now it's over."

It wasn't that I'd done poorly... on the contrary! I had been as completely and utterly prepared as I could be, and I'd done fairly well with the curveballs and twists with which they had tried to challenge me.

But now I have that completely helpless feeling: it is out of my hands.

The Christian side of my brain is saying, "It was always out of your hands -- it is all in God's hands! It always has been, and will continue to be!" Which is true... there were a few moments throughout the audition when I would start to panic, but then I would remember to call on the Holy Spirit, and He came and helped me succeed in those moments.

But the Ana side of my brain is saying, "Fine. Now that that's over, time to get back to business. And this time let's be SERIOUS about getting to that ultimate double-digit goal!!! Are you gonna sit here and be satisfied by being 125? No more excuses, fatty!!!"

Within the 24-hours following the audition, my celebratory feast included an entire medium pizza with 10 tbsp of fat-free ranch dressing, 3 coke zeros, a pound of candy-coated pretzels, 4 ounces of cinnamon honey almonds, 4 apple fritters, 4 glazed donuts, 2 Venti Starbucks, and only 1 liter of water. I cannot bring myself to even ATTEMPT to calculate the total calories.

* * * *I was 125 lbs on the morning of my audition. Forty-eight hours later, I am 134 lbs.* * * *

How is that even physically possible???


And now I am sitting here, trying to decide where to go from here.

I know for sure that 134 is not acceptable. Even 130 should be unacceptable. 125 should be at the very least MAINTAINED, so that further weight losses will be attainable.

I know that I love to restrict. And occasional fasting has provided me with a lot of mental clarity, but it's also very very hard to stick to, especially now that my weight is a little lower than when I started and had plenty to burn.

I know that God loves me, and that this past week I've been growing closer and closer to Him, like He wants. Without Ana to distract me. THIS is the real mission, the real reason why God sent me back to my old stomping grounds. He longs for a more intimate relationship with me, and I with Him.

But Ana leans in and whispers, "But while you're here and no one can see you, while no ones watching you and weighing you, while no one is forcing you to maintain a weight, wouldn't it be great to get scary rail-thin?? Oh, you'd be soooo beautiful! And you'd scare the living daylights out of everyone who hasn't seen you in a while!

[V is coming Wednesday. X is coming a week later. And I still haven't seen M's parents.]

"Because if this audition went well enough that you DO get hired, you'd better believe they are going to weigh you every week, for sure. You'll be trapped at whatever weight they hire you at. Wouldn't you rather be trapped at 110 than at 140?"

And.... God help me... she's right.

So here I am, back on the blog. I have checked my facebook, read notes from other anas, looked at thinspo. I can almost hear Jesus weeping over me, "No, please don't do this."

And the number drums in my head: 134. Unacceptable. 134. SO FAT. 134. Must get rid of it, must be lower. 134. Much too much.

If I try to reason with myself and see it in a positive light, I can argue that 134 is one-quarter of the way between ship-weight and UGW. The celebratory feast is officially over. There is no more going up from here. The damage is done, and now it's time to clean up again. Get back down to a safe 125, where the halfway mark of 122 is in clear sight!

The first 20 pounds came off SO FAST AND EASY. Back to restricting, back to marathon workouts. Seriously fasting. It dropped off like removing a heavy winter's coat.

The next 20 pounds is, unfortunately, going to go MUCH slower, I'm afraid. And the last eight pounds is going to be brutal. But I'll think of that later...

For now, just think of getting back to the safe 125. Get there by restricting, being careful, NOT cheating at ALL, and going back to 2 liters of water a day. Pick up all the little habits first.

Then when you get to 125, then plan how to get SUPER-SERIOUS, and get down to that halfway mark. Be encouraged !!!!

...

It makes me sad to address Jesus as if He is a sidenote. ~~Lord, don't leave me. Please. Forgive me in advance. Help me, Lord. I don't want to die, and I DON'T want to disobey You. I just want to be thinner. Forgive me. Forgive me... forgive me.~~